Look what I found in my drafts...
I remember who I was before you. I was young, newly 18, bright eyes and curious. I knew who I was and where I wanted to be. I had sass and confidence and I was about to take on the world (or what counts as the world in this small town).
You were not what I wanted. You were angry, small and had a superiority complex worse than my own. I never quite knew if you were scared of people or thought you were better than them or simply you knew what people could do, how society puts you down so you put yourself above it. Whatever the reason it made you persistent. You had my number by the end of the day.
I was intrigued by you. This angry man who had a soft side away from your friends. Your jokes were so bad I couldn’t help but laugh. I wanted to know more. I wasn’t expecting anything magical. You couldn’t see past the county border. You smoked, drank, you painted me a picture of a bad boy. But you were a nerd. A big one. You loved gaming and making computers, everything I sucked at. Yet I still chose you.
I chose you to let in. To tell secrets and words to I’d never told anyone. I showed you my world. My family. My life. I shared it all because I trusted you.
I remember that girl too. The one who blushed when you spoke to her. Who clung to your words and stories. I was happy with you. I felt safe. And that was important for me.
I don’t know what happened. I don’t know who started the fights. I don’t know why I let you go. I don’t know why I called your mum for you when you were upset. But I know it changed at that moment. I had lost you before you walked out my door.
I struggled with it for weeks. Then the worst week of my life happened and on the last day. On his funeral you showed up. All dressed up. You never spoke to me at the house. On the walk. In the church. But when everyone had finally noticed, you decided you had enough Dutch courage to talk to me.
Boy was I angry. But just like before, we laughed and joked and poked fun at each other. Everything was just as it was and in that moment things felt normal again. I forget about my pain. My losses. Everything was forgotten and all there was was us. As we always were.
‘My mum said she’ll kill me if she sees us together.’ Okay stop. Excuse me ? I asked why and you said the break up. I felt everything inside me boil. I took a breath and looked around at my friends (my little brother also was sitting at the table). You thought it was funny. I demanded to know what you thought happened. You didn’t remember. You decided that half drunk at my best friends funeral was the best time to admit you don’t remember how it ended, or who ended it. And why ?
And that has haunted me for almost nine months. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I don’t sleep, eat or talk unless I have to. I have to drag myself out of bed everyday after I spend half an hour crying.
I don’t know how you could say you loved and cared about me, you proved to everyone you didn’t give a shit when you said those words.
And now I live in fear. Of what ? Your return. We have a pattern, and every year since I met you we’ve somehow always ended up in the same place every time. But I’m tired. I’m weak. I live on coffee and nicotine. I would not be able for your love. Not this time.
ellievsbear
tangentwithtanner
amandla
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