Bonjour! Je m'appelle Cave Johnson and as you can tell from my cheery introduction, I just got back from the Paris Science Convention and boy are my endangered bald eagle, crime against humanity, gene spliced, human wings tired! Ha! Now that's a small sample of the kind of top-notch, cutting edge research joke that got flung around a lot at the Con and man, those genetic engineers may not be able to find a cure for cancer but they sure can tell 'em. I'm here today to tell you all here at Aperture that we are changing the way we operate based on new techniques adopted by other Big Science facilities around the globe and will be rolling them out over the next few months, so open your hearing holes and listen up!
First to be implemented is an all-seafood cafeteria. Real brain food, the lifeblood of the Scientific palette and it also just so happens we have a huge surplus of seafood down in Aperture Aquatics after the Cephalopod Gigantism Exponentializer kinda sorta exploded all sixteen of its test subjects. Turns out tripling the size of already Giant Squid is a lot harder then just tainting their water with liquidized Scaling Cubes and growing it from inside. Who knew, right? But hey, get your fill of the all-you-can-eat calamari this lunchtime, bust out a few ground breaking theorems that Aperture wholly owns the rights to this afternoon and maybe their giant anguished cries of pain as their ink sacs swelled to breaking point and exploded over the Scientists standing in the Splash Zone won't have been in vein.
In fact, I'm going to play that over the company intercom on a loop after lunch for an hour as motivation for you all. If you listen real close, you can pinpoint the moment it reaches capacity. Urgh, gives me the willies. I'll be in my office listening to whale song, Cave out.