Imitation Worlder

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This has been giving me peace lately. 

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Wow, 3 years and this account still exists! It’s probably good I haven’t been writing, as I feel like I’ve been getting marginally dumber by the day.  In any case, I’m writing today because I found out an old flame started writing on tumblr again. I’ve no chance with her, and to be completely honest, I don’t think I can ever be comfortable around her, but she’s still interesting to observe. It’s like a case study in human psychology and how people change over time. She already thinks I’m a creep anyway, so if she ever found out I read it, it would simply reaffirm her already established belief. That’s not entirely true. There might be an ulterior motive, even if I don’t want to admit it. No, it’s not malicious. It’s more of...I’m looking to find some hypocrisy, some fallacy, something that makes the pain of rejection easier to swallow. Or perhaps some sign that I exist in her mind, even a little. To be completely forgotten might be the worst emotional pain; apathy stings more than hatred. I don’t understand it. I felt like I wasn’t even given a chance. She talks so much about communication, yet doesn’t communicate. Have some faith in me. Or in humanity in the broader sense. I completely understand being guarded, secretive, and careful with who you trust, but after a certain point you dig your own grave of loneliness (speaking form experience here...I still struggle).  In any case, sorry to hear you were raped. Please don’t distrust all men. It makes sense to, but please don’t. Just be more careful with who you drink around. I still think about you way more than I should. Even if decades later, I hope I get the chance to talk with you again.

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Wait for it...around 2:30. This was playing while studying and I had to stop.

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I’m watching anime again! It serves the function “light-hearted super-sugary-diabetes-inducing happiness to take my mind off the pain of being a single man in his 30s”. The show is called Servant X Service, and it’s super sweet! I like their take on office romance, and boy does that bring back memories.

Also reading Haruki Murakami, which has given me much to think about. 

Finally, on the J-pop front there are 3 new singles that I pretty much listen to on repeat ad nauseam. Negoto’s is absolute beautiful, Hoshino Gen’s is par for the course for his style (which isn’t a bad thing), and of course I like anything Perfume puts out by default. 

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Helping people feels good. Annoyed at people that talk a lot, but don’t actually do anything. My personality is very result-oriented, so I’m happy I was able to help. Considering volunteering more at NRG this week.

Is there such thing as Buddhism-light? I like the ideals and aesthetic of Buddhism, but not the traditions (except Taiko, of course). That, and I found a girl I *really* like that happens to be Buddhist. She invited me to a temple with her, so we’ll see how that goes. I’ve known her for ages, but never thought I had a chance. 

Starcraft is friggen hard. 

I’m saving up, so the next paycheck I can splurge and be a good materialistic American. I’ve been wanting a nice Shogi board, that and the full organ works sheet music of Louis Vierne (French romanticism is very trippy). Here’s to one more week of TV dinners and PB&J.

Being a long-time North Korea watcher, it’s interesting to see the latest developments. Might ramble on it later; just noting that it’s been on my mind. I’ve been reading a lot of Freekorea.us and 38North.

That’s all I got folks~

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See that? That’s what a week off of school and work looks like! …and $10 billion in economic damage and utter destruction of livelyhoods. But who’s keeping track *shrug*

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Now that all the negativity is dealt with, time to list happy things going on in my life:

1) Organ! - I’m finally tackling one of my favorite pieces of all time, the Gigout Toccata in B-minor. Another month and I should have it in good shape.

2) Video games! - For the first time since I was a child, I legitimately have games I want to play: Puyo Pop Tetris, Starcraft Remastered, Sonic Mania, Tekken 7...just to name a few

3) Shogi! - Definitely my favorite board game.

4) School & Work! - While others complain about those, I legitimately enjoy them.

5) Dating! - I’m free as a bird and finally got the hang of tinder & cmb. Going on a few dates here and there really helps relieve stress.

I’m more aware of my flaws, but I see that as opportunity. I feel like I’m maturing and really starting to grasp what I want out of life. Hurray!

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I’m done. For real this time. You’ve tricked me one too many times. You’re the most self-centered, hypocritical, manipulative human I’ve ever met. You lack even the most basic compassion, empathy, and remorse, and it’s only a matter of time until others recognize that. Your distractions and relative popularity on social media matter more to you than the well-being of those around you. I was there for you; you were never there for me. I have my flaws, but now I can conclusively say it’s not me; it’s you. Rest assured next time I see you, I will keep driving. 

Goodbye forever.

[misdreavus]

Perfume no Okite 2016/Atmospheric Entry

[imitationworlder]

On *.CSV

So social media definitely isn’t my thing. Turns out prefer handwriting things in a journal, so this blog isn’t really doing what I intended it to do. But oh well, it’s here if I need it. But I will talk a little bit. I doubt anyone will ever read this, it’s more for therapeutic reasons. But on the off chance someone does, thanks I guess (?) It’s hard to even figure out where to start. Long story short I was in an abusive, one-sided friendship and didn’t realize it until 2 years had gone by. Maybe I was just lonely, but I let myself be completely taken advantage of and was promptly disposed of when I was no longer of use.  Knowing a little about her past, I can understand why Charamy is the way she is. The combination of having (in her eyes) a weak father figure and being treated badly in previous relationships leaves her in a state of always needing control. Also, she’s never had a strong sense of self-worth to begin with, so when she does fall short in a relationship (friendship or otherwise), she has a hard time admitting mistakes and apologizing.  And I understood that going in. It was the extent that I misjudged. Everyone has a limit, and mine was reached. Everything was my fault. Always. Whenever there was tension, it was because I had some sort of disability that needed to be addressed. It was 2 years of me feeling worthless and desperately (hopelessly?) trying to win her favor. The attitude was always that of me having to earn her when I so freely gave myself from day one. I can understand the hesitation in new relationships, but after 2 years of unconditional support....I just hit a goddamn wall. No longer would I put up with “go talk to your therapist”, “you fucked up”, “you’re dysfunctional”. No longer would I let her immaturity constitute shortcomings on my part. I can’t remember details at this point, but when I could no longer put up with the imbalance, when I just needed to talk...she left. For her it was easier to leave than it was to apologize. I don’t think she even saw the need to apologize. Of course, to her it might just all be my issue...because surely she doesn’t cause any drama (pff). It’s an understatement to say I was close to her. Probably closer to her than any girl I’ve known despite never dating her. I would also be lying if I said I didn’t get anything out of it. Of course she left an effect on me. But was it worth what I gave to her? Not at all. There’s probably much more to say. But before I can face her at Taiko, and before I can focus on the things that I enjoy, and before I can continue being myself...I had to get a little bit out. 

[imitationworlder]

Communication is key! Be quick to forgive and quick to apologize. Empathize, because you never know someone’s life.

At least that’s how I view friendship. It’s more than having things in common, it’s an effort. Relationships are hard.

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Go + Milk Tea = My ideal Thursday night <3

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Organ > rush hour traffic

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Interviewing myself! I’m already nervous.

You have a facebook, why tumblr? I need a medium where I can say whatever I want! You’re like...9 years late dude. I’m sorry, chill! But you’re a terrible writer, I can already tell! My therapist tells me writing is helpful or something, but I prefer listening to music or yelling at mirrors. Whatever, new things!

List favorite things! Okay, self-interviewer-sir!

Band - Perfume

Instrument - Pipe Organ

Food - Chips & Queso

Religion - Atheism

Cat tendency - Headbutting, then walking along as if nothing happened

Political alignment - Slightly left of center

Author - Isaac Asimov

TV Show - 30 Rock

Color - A dark teal, or turquoise. 

Drink - Whiskey

So really...WHY are you blogging? Okay fine, you got me. Being completely honest here, I struggle with some pretty ridiculous depression. I have a stable job, a house, hobbies, a career path, stable family, however I’ve never been able to connect with people on a personal level. At the ripe old age of 30, I can count the number of close friends I have on one hand! Originally this didn’t bother me, but recently I’ve lost a close friend and it was a huge blow to my self-esteem. I’m hoping writing will help. Cry me a fucking river, dude! I know, I know...

Anything else? I have 2 cats. I play the Asian board game ‘Go’. I sleep in the fetal position on preferably firm mattresses. I’m an extremely picky eater and eat very slowly.

What about Love? I’ve dated a bit (mostly single, though); I’ve fallen (one-sidedly) for 3 girls in my lifetime. I was a late-bloomer and fell for my first love around the age of 25. Her name was Anh. She had that looseness about her that always made you feel like you had a chance. Turns out, I didn’t! But it was a good learning experienced. She’s fickle and would have left me very quickly anyways. Love #2 was this girl named Becky who had this infectious, playful optimism about her, and we had a lot in common. We were at different life stages, and I had a rough first impression so that plane never took off either. Love #3 is this girl named Charamy, and I’ll write about that in a separate post, because it’s fresh on my mind and I have a billion things to say about it. But yeah, lots of heartbreak. I’ve dated before, but being completely honest, I didn’t really care for them and it was more to gain experience points (I’m awful, sorry). 

You’re weird. You seem like I might be able to connect with you, but I’m going to be super cautious, and talk to you only when you’re useful. I’m very used to this.

Good luck out there. Thanks, myself! 

[imitationworlder]

This lame tumblr’s namesake is brought to you courtesy of my favorite band, Perfume! The song “Imitation World”, although not my favorite, captures what I’d like to be my vibe. I.e. easygoing, not rushed, sincere, fun, with a dash of “he’s in his own little world” (...an Imitation World!!). As a person I’m not there yet, but working on it.

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First tumblr post! 

I’m trying this whole “blog” thing, and as a run-of-the-mill introvert, this is somewhat of a big deal. Wish me luck, folks!