THOUGHTS WITH JP

Making shit happen with what the fuck we got

[immbosmit]

My Ode to You !!!

I love the way I felt when I was with you. The more I was with you it vanished. The despair that you made me feel was like a gateway drug. I know I want to be seperated from you but the moment I realize it is real it is time me to leave I get a knot in my throat and feek so hot that I cant move, I cant talk. In that moment I need you, I want you only to be disappointed and right back where I started. I thought what I was to you was something real but it feels like I was in limbo. Why when we get close to seperation I feel the need to pull you closer and when you are near I want you no where near me. I 'm disgusted by my need to have you in my life based on the way we have treated eachother. But I need you even if its just next door. So really is it an ode to you or an ode to loath you.

[immbosmit]

To My Enemy

Sometimes I wish the worst karma on you and sometimes I hope that it befalls you with a quickness. And on a really bad day hell and back don't sound like a bad place for you to go. But I have given you too much power over my life and let you determine where I will end up. But I as much as I would love nothing more than to be spiteful I want more than anything for you to learn not to abuse the power that is given to you. Most importantly I want your true evil plans brought to light so people can understand how you hurt people without giving a second thought. For now, the enemy tread carefully cause at the end of the day karma comes for everyone and when it comes the universe gives no notice.

[immbosmit]

Life has gotten the best of me I've been turning to people who could care less but pretend they do, maybe to save face or to make them feel better about themselves. Life has been kicking my ass and I have been letting it. Letting people dictate my emotions and how I carry myself. Crying consistently praying for a miracle to happen when I don't see one coming. I lost myself in the hopes that someone would come find me, in the hopes that someone would hear my cries and be the voice that I am so scared to voice. I got caught up in a world where life was going to be easy but life has never been easy for me and to expect that was silly of me. I thought I would just let life go by smoothly when that has never been me or what I have lived. I am ashamed of my actions and how I held myself. I want to blame it on the people causing my pain which is partly their fault but mainly mine I forgot that I fought to get where I am and it never occurred to me that I have to fight to stay where I am at or to move up. A lot of people don't want to see you grow and it is hard to fathom why someone would have time to be in my business when they need to cater to themselves. I keep losing who I am in these hopes, this air of naivety. Nothing is going to change until I change. Nothing matters until I make it matter, I am in control of my life and I have had nothing before I can sure as shit make it with what I have now. I wanted the easy way because I am tired of fighting but it seems that my enemies want more from me, they want to bring me down and see me cry and make a total fool of myself and I will admit that they have a good start because I let them take control of my life out of fear. I am tired of being fearful. I am ready to reclaim my power back. I might have to fake it until I make it but I know myself I will make it. Another thing that is done is me talking to people about my business hoping they have the answer, it is my decision, it is my life. Yet another way I allow people to control me. If this is my karma, I have received your message please go to your next victim. Thank you!

[immbosmit]

I can’t help but be scared that I am not enough to you. I shouldn’t even want you but I do. I hate you and love you at the same time. But I am stuck in a moment where it will shape for the rest of my life. Should I leave and be the one that got away or stay and create this life with you and give you children. Do you even want me? Some days I feel like you don’t and I am just an object on the shelf waiting for you to play with me. It hurts me because I love you but it doesn’t faze me because a piece if me actually hates you. I want the kids with you but I don’t think I can if I feel second best to whatever I am second best to. I want to feel special, I want to be the one you call when something important goes on. I don’t want to sit around and wait on a shelf. I am so conflicted and it isn’t even his fault. I don’t know who I am and it’s reflecting in my life. I want direction but no one can give that to me but me. I think sometimes I let life get to me and bring people down because of it especially him. I just want things to jump ahead where everything  is good. What if nothing ever gets good! I wish confusion didn’t exist sometimes. 

[immbosmit]

I’ve begged and begged and yes I wasn’t the best along the way. But I begged and stayed regardless of my hurt because what I thought I had with you was real. Even when I tell myself I am done or I will distance myself. I still somehow put myself in a position to get in your good graces. I hate myself for that. You think I hate you but I don’t I hate me for allowing the things that i have allowed. It’s like I can’t seem to understand when enough is enough. As you leave and I whither I can’t help but think that someone else has you, has always have you and you are on loan with me. I am stuck mentally which leaves me stuck physically and I can’t help but wonder about the what ifs in my life. I have to learn the difference between love and attachment. I have to learn when to let go. I have to learn when to quit fighting because I know you are not. As I sit here crying I realize the same thing every time you decide to give less or when we are in a disagreement. I have to let you go. It is time to start your new life, I have to realize he will never love me like I want. IT WILL NEVER WORK OUT 

[immbosmit]

With My Eyes Closed!

I closed my eyes. I remember coming home from work and my love was hanging with his friend. I thought we were in a good place. He thinks I am cheating so he puts me in a closet. He locked me in. All I see are our clothes as I scream out “ LET ME OUT OF THE CLOSET”. Tears are streaming, he is laughing at me. He finally opens the door and chokes me, pushing my head back against the wall where I had hung his pants. He then begins choking me with two hands. FUCK! I can barely hear what he is saying. I am just hurt that it was him, the one who is supposed to protect me against people not himself. I opened my eyes again remembering we were pregnant at the time. I always think what the baby would look like. I feel I am stupid to stay with him but I feel lost and confused. When I close my eyes I remember almost everything. The way he left me in the house as he left. I am sitting on the floor crying.  Every time I close my eyes I see myself weakly on the floor crying begging him for attention, begging him to love me. The fucked up part about it is, I close my eyes every night. I drown myself in shows to go to sleep, to drift off. It became my safe space. I can’t seem to let it go. I can’t seem to stop thinking about it. I just want to forget. I know I will never forget, 

[immbosmit]

IS THIS REAL

I think I am in an alternate reality or something because the way life has been working out for me has got to be a joke. Today has been rough but also because I take pride in what I do and I give a lot of care and passion. This women had the audacity to send me a text message so I wanted to clarify with her in person. Mind you we are at work and I go downstairs to check on people I say good morning and what not so she basically called me a lair and said I am making excuses, OK COOL. So I tell her about being one sided and things but she just saw it as a platform to try to get her way. We walked away on good terms but she went and said stuff to people above us both but if you are an adult why on earth didn’t you just say that. I have high expectations on communications apparently but I feel like I have so much going on that I don’t even want tpo associate with anyone anymore. Why is it a big deal to me ? I’ve been at this jobs for months listening to other peoples problems and drama and now I am in it being talked about. You know how people are nice to your face but do all the talking behind your back, it’s about me now. Like I’ve been apart of the drama at my other jobs. I thought things were different, I thought I was steeping out of that era. I genuinely want to be loved and in peace full of laughter but that seems like I am asking for too much.  The thing that irritated me the most that she made me look like an angry black women when I am not now or ever trying to get stigmatize as something when I simply wanted to have a talk about what she texted me. The way that I feel like no one was by my side, made me want to change some more things about myself and how I handle situations with everyone in my life. Not worth letting myself be this people pleader, for people who only want to worry for themselves instead of worrying about the team. 

You know when you think you change into you get put back into a situation that will force you to act how you normally act? Well I failed I should have left it alone and just quit. Rather write my own narrative for people than have people write it for me. Didn’t go too much in detail about the situation but just know it seemed more heated and aggravating at the time. Like life has been throwing these tests at me for a minute. I am ready for the calm. 

[immbosmit]

I wanted a better life, I had a chance to walk away from him, it was open. To be frank he made it easy for me to walk away in that moment. In my head I battled with packing a bag and vanished from his life. He says to me “ you can leave if you want, I don’t care anymore” I mean more words were said but you get the jist of it. I battled with fighting for the relationship or leaving. The small minuscule moment I had asked myself “WHY, why can’t I leave him.” Talk about me letting my standard go so low because I was afraid to leave. I was afraid to be alone again. Out of all of the hurt that he has caused me and I couldn’t leave because of being scared. I am wondering why him and I can’t fix things with him? Why are things so hard between us? I thought it was just an argument and we can work through it, but that is what I am always doing, hoping we can work through it. Which sucks ass because I hear things like “you are selfish” “you don’t really want to be with me” “you can’t wait until I leave, huh?” “get out my face, I don’t want to talk to you” “you always have something negative to say” “you never let me talk” “you think I would really hurt you like that?”. I hear that and more throughout my days every year I spend with him and I still think that things can be worked through. STUPID OF ME!!! I will say I do have my moments throughout the time we’ve been together where I felt completely done but today was the same feeling of being done but more rage, a calm rage. I rage that unsettled me and rocked my soul where I thought I myself will possibly end up in hell if I acted on this rage that left my face calm and relaxed. As my voice felt un-waiverable, like nothing was wrong but on the inside I ached with fury. All I could do was walk away. See moments before I felt that I was telling him how I felt and he showed me I am not important. The difference is I hide my rage because I care about him but his rage is exhibited throughout every interaction that we have. I don’t want that for me, and I don’t want him to have to show that in a relationship. BUT I CAN’T LEAVE, I AM NOT READY TO LEAVE. I keep hurting myself because of fear and abandonment. I HURT. I am the cause of my own hurt because I allow people I love to hurt me. You cannot allow people in your life who are not ready to love you, to be with you. I wish I understood that earlier.  

[immbosmit]

I felt alive today, I thought I wouldn’t feel this ever again but I felt it again. I felt it with A and J and thought I wouldn’t feel it again but I did. I felt important I forgot what that felt like to be the center of someone’s attention that saw me as there whole world even if it was for a couple of hours, it was better to have been promised the world by someone who wanted to marry you and treat you like a peasant. I loved this feeling, I felt alive as I listened to Lana Del Rey “YAYO” as I submersed myself in the last feeling of this good feeling because I made a promise and I don’t intend to break it until I decided to call it quits but I must say again it felt so good to be seen by a man, even if it wasn’t my man because I am not seen as a loved and kept woman. When I sober up I will be alone and with him like it’s always been like I thought I always wanted it to be. It hurts to think that HE is the one that I thought was the one and all of my world. I forgot what I was worth and someone reminded me today and it felt good to feel worthy of someone’s wants. It is time for reality now, this burden life that I begged to have. This hurtful life that I didn’t think would be like this. I think love has scared me to death. I don’t think love is real anymore/ I don’t believe that I don’t and will never have anyone to stand by me. I will forever be alone. I can’t even trust the one I wanted to spend my life with because I am a game to him. I am nothing real but a conquest that can be held over me and I take it because that’s what I think I deserve! I hope nothing turns back on me because I don’t have anyone more fight in me. I don’t want to fight anymore 

Thank you JD for the light you saw in me

[immbosmit]

NAIVE

I had one good weekend with you and I thought that it would change everything. That everything would be good. I was wrong I was so high off dopamine, that I thought that we might actually have a shot at making things work. I am entering a new phase in my life and now I am tired of waiting and wasting my voice, coming to you about change. I need you to be either all in or not at all. I am tired of being disappointed and frankly I am tired of waiting on people that are not going to be able to show up for me. I am 21 years old I have no need to sit and waste my time with you when I can be doing my own thing, instead I am trying to do my thing as an our thing. I can’t wait forever. I am tired of everyone being half ass with me. I am planning big things for my life and I don’t want people who bring me down in my corner anymore. If no one can be there for how I need people to show up, I need to know so I can leave things in a graceful manner. I’ve been waiting for people to be as good as I think people can be but I am wrong not everyone is for you or means good for you. It’s hard to execute than just saying it because fuck attachment issues are real over here. But I can’t keep living life like this I am beginning to hate myself for it because I know I can do better and I know that I deserve better. I personally don’t think that I am asking for much. Yet it seems like it’s so hard for it to get accomplished, like I am begging for them all to make me princess of their life. When in actuality I just want to matter I want it to be shown and I want it to be solidified. I am done talking to them about things they can fix, tonight was my last time. I will now be an observer and watch as they push me away further and further from their life and I will not bat an eye because we all had to have known that this was coming. I am just slow at realizing that I don’t have the patients to teach someone over and over again how to love me, how to be present with me. If its meant to be it will be but crying over it again and again isn’t helping me so it is time to be heartless about things to protect my heart and feelings. 

[immbosmit]

So I asked him a question. I said “ Are you afraid to loose me?” and he replied “no because you’re not going anywhere.” At first I was sad like why couldn’t he say something cute like “I am cause breathing air without you isn’t living” or “Being without you wouldn’t make sense because you are my everything” NO he said cause I’m not going anywhere. Which he wasn’t wrong like I said previously I would go to hell and back for him without hesitation. I just was feeling so low that I thought he would give me a pick me up and make it better. Cause that’s what his love is. It’s a drug. He gives me enough where I’ll continue to come back and be feigning for it but not enough where I’ll overdose off him. The funny thing about him is when I feel as though I’m not enough for him and gain a little worth, he brings me back into the fairytale. I don’t leave though, because I love the constant high he gives me. See when he said that I know he had the best intentions. What I couldn’t understand is at this time when I needed the drug the most he cut me off and left me waiting for him to bring me back to life with everything that is him.

[immbosmit]

Today my perspective will never be the same, I am as a person will never be the same. After I got off the phone with the infamous mystery man I always talk about I felt a shift in everything that was me, everything that made me JP, was gone (simple just like that). See I am not afraid to admit that I am still learning and at moment I can be very naïve but hey comes with still being very young and not really understand how the world works quiet yet. I am constantly met with obstacles with my pervious relationships and now and I always thought it was them ( me not being accountable for my actions) but I get it was me, I believed in idea that wasn’t really what love is. As I sat on the phone with him going back and forth about things that really had no significance importance to our relationship, my point wasn’t getting across and being overly sensitive wasn’t helping the situation. In that moment I felt small and dumb. He was never going to see my side regardless of what I said or regardless of how I felt, not that he will never change no it’s the fact that in that moment everything I said was invalid to him. Yes he understood it but it was always going to be his point that made the most sense. I just felt dumb, like I somehow forgot to argue my point across the right way. So he proceeded to fall asleep on the phone and I continued to stay on the phone with complete silence on both ends and silence in my head to process everything that was said and that would then become my future. In that very moment I became numb, to any feeling but deep down the love for his was still growing, still getting bigger. Yet I still felt numb as I type this I feel numb by the second. So I hang up and I stand up ( I’m outside and its blazing hot ) and I felt different. I felt wiser and I had a better understanding about him. Let me tell you though me being sensitive wasn’t getting me nowhere, but hurting myself more and more; numb and number. He never viewed it as a us problem but as a problem that I then had to handle by myself.  Hurt a bit cause I never seen it like that nor was raised like that but he was. Everything changed for me like my view on love, how and when I let people in; basically who I was in general. Gone! A little less naïve, a little less lost about the world.

[immbosmit]

Small shoutout to everyone that reads my blog and still likes it despite all my little typing errors. I appreciate that!!!!!!!!!!

[immbosmit]

STILL at Rock Bottom

Still here running from what I am most scared of, but if I were anyone else wouldn’t I be sick of this? Wouldn’t I walk away?  I am drowning in every sense. I am drowning myself in work hoping that it will keep me afloat. I am drowning myself in doubt thinking it will be better than trying to fix everything and move on. Nothing seems to work I feel like I’ve been stuck here all my life. Life doesn’t feel worth it anymore. I am smiling all day at work and when I get home I have to suck up and wallow in the pain I feel with him. I keep hoping for brighter days. U so hope that brighter days come and I never want to feel this way again. But what is happiness without some pain. We would never know true happiness if we don’t experience some pain. I feel like everything I encounter is some pain. I want one constant good maybe two constant good. It makes me feel like nothing lasts forever. If that’s so why haven’t I disappeared into thin air yet. I am trying to come to terms with things but I can’t seem to get a handle on things and I guess pretending to be happy at work makes me feel in control. I am not in control at the moment. I am lost as fuck and want nothing more to feel everything other than pain and numbness. I need an anchor to keep me rooted. Maybe I deserve to be sad, what if it is karma. I want to start a new life with a different name, I swear I would be better. I am trying to be better now that has to count for something. I know life is short and it should be lived to it’s fullest but how do people live life feeling like this. Why is this even a feeling? ROCK BOTTOM..... FUCKING ROCK BOTTOM, I want to not feel like this, I so badly want to stop feeling like this but I am stuck and I feel like I need help but I am alone. I’M ALONE sucks when its not said in an empowering type of way. I should write a book about my life one day cause I promise you wouldn’t believe half the shit I go through. My writing even feels like it sucks. I feel so stuck! I know I already said that but damn that’s the worst feeling that I can’t help but repeat myself. I feel like shit cause at the end of the day I can’t stand up for myself. I am the reason my life feels like this I allowed shit to happen and now I can’t seem to leave or do anything about it. ROCK BOTTOM STILL. In a year from now things have better change because STILL BEING AT ROCK BOTTOM is literally, I don’t even have the correct words other than SHITTY!

[immbosmit]

Rock Bottom Pt.I

I guess you will say I am at my lowest moment. The more and more I am alone I realize that all people around me make me feel more alone than I can feel when I am by myself. They all make me feel like I am the only person in the world, utterly alone, deeply sad and a waste of breathe.How is that possible, I thought I was doing good, I thought that I was being nice and making sure people felt appreciated. Hurt people hurt people and you always better remember that misery loves company. Those types of people suck you in so deep until you isolate yourself to become the unanimity of loneliness. I am so hopeless sometimes I get hurt and then get over it and think everything is back to normal like it never happened. Well it happened and it hurt. I am just not going to pretend that it doesn’t hurt anymore. I am stuck in this constant loop of shit days filled with bad decisions. I can’t keep living my life in a loop but I have and then cry about it. The people that hurt you sadly it’s time to move on. But my fucking attachment issues fuck it up.It’s true, time to let them all go. If I want to ever feel some type of peace or happiness I can’t keep getting sucked back into these continued loops not even from HIM. It’s time to let go and choose something better for myself. The god honest truth is I don’t know how or even where to begin but I do know it’s creating life experiences on my own without them. I don’t even know if I should say goodbye or just walk away. Do you have to communicate if your friendship ends? I mean obviously for a relationship but is it like common knowledge to break up with a friend ? I just need something else because this is not it. I can’t hurt anymore, I can’t allow myself to feel numb anymore, I can’t keep these people around me. I wan’t to feel appreciated and loved and I know it’s a damn busy world but if I can make time for you I expect you to make time for me. If clueless was a person I am sure it would be me. I think that today was my last straw. Now I want to be utterly alone to leave room for something new, something more. The life I am living just can’t be this for tge rest of my life I refuse. The change is required and I need to really be committed to changing and stop falling back into old habits because I am at fault for allowing them to continue to hurt me in more ways than one. I can’t even simply be heard but I guess that is what I get for thinking anything more than. OH FUCKING WELL !!!!!

[immbosmit]

I want to be so happy with you but I feel like it’s impossible for you to be happy with me. I know you say you want this but you show me you don’t. What will it take for you to show me, why waste my time? It seems that’s what you are good at cause that’s all you show. I have this amazing wonderful day and then when you come into my vicinity you seem to know I am oozing with happiness and content and you squash it so you can be above me with power like you can only give me happiness. If it’s happiness from somewhere else you make me feel shame and guilt for feeling it. When I am low you love me the most you revel in my sadness cause you want to fix me like I am some project of yours. You snap your fingers and *poof* I am cured by you and only you. The realness of it all is I am empty, my soul slowly gets smaller and smaller. Soon enough my heart will be as small as the Grinch. I had such a great day today but my mistake was showing you that I had a great day. Happiness feels like a chore now when it shouldn’t. I don’t know what you want from me, I don’t think I can be what you want. Damn I want you so bad, I love the way you talk,walk,smile,and laugh. I love the fact that I have you and not her makes me feel good. I guess we both love each other for the wrong reasons. But who is to say what is right and what is wrong. I want to feel happiness for longer than a brief moment. I am losing myself just to have you and I am starting to wake up and realize that I want me more than you. I know I want me more than you but I don’t know how to let you go because apart of me needs you in some twisted way. I learned to like the way that you make me hurt, I love the way that you can make me feel so numb in a millisecond. I like the way it hurts because it makes me feel human, it feels better to be sad by you than to walk around numb. Being numb isn’t bad it’s just sometimes the pain you give feels better. I am sick that it does, I am so use to feeling like this that it became comfort. Instead of crying when you hurt me I sit and smile in the inside. 

[immbosmit]

Maybe I am the villain. I should be after all the hurt I've been through. Honey if you were to ever read this know you hurt me so deeply and I would never be able to see you the same. You brought me down when all I wanted was to be lifted up. I prayed that we would work out and that things would change. But we only seem to hurt each other and I never would have thought that you would do half the shit that you did but I guess you never thought I would fight back. You always say that I did shit first but no it was never the case in my eyes. How I see it I hurt so you hurt and then you made it a game if you hurt more than me you will hurt me until I feel like I'm in the firey pits with the devil himself. I have to say I give you dedication. I love that you think that you are women's karma. It shows me where your head is at, shows me that I am and will forever be the villain to you. I am so sick of apologizing for being me, I am so sick of your family thinking that I am the cause of your pain. I guess you picked me because you thought I would be quiet and let you do whatever. I am not someone to let something go and shame on me for that but I am not. The war between us feels like it will break me down until I don't have one shred of dignity left and I refuse to let you take that from me. You say you love me but when you are angry you don't show any kindness, you say you are here but why do I feel so alone and you could be sitting right next to me, you say I can speak my mind and talk but then you would interrupt me and or say it's not valid for whatever reason. So I decided about 10 minutes ago I am okay with being a villain to you but I don't want to turn myself into an actual villain because I am better than that and I can't wait for you to see that!