Artblock has been a pain in the ass... But I'm trying to push against it because... Please....
So, after reflecting a little bit, I've come to the conclusion that I can't draw for shit because, surprise surprise, it's my way to connect with my inner world, this thing of an authentic autistic mess that I can't control. Still, my inner world, my safe space since... Forever.
My house is not a safe place tho. People question it, judge it, silence it, demonizes it. It's not a place I feel comfortable sharing my identity with. Not anymore.
I want to reclaim my love for creation. It's gonna be shit, having to fight and strangle myself to get the tiniest drops of creative juices (mmh, Bill), but I want to get there, I want my spark, I want my passion, I want the version of me who loves art back again.
And if I could, oh I would move the fuck outta here.
But let's be realistic, I depend on my parents for basically everything. Transport, education, food, roof... Everything.
I've been forced out of the path to get the life I want to live many times, but it's still worth fighting for a decent life where I can be happy and unapologetically myself.
I won't be studying animation, I was not allowed to do it. Nor graphic design. Nor marketing. Nor psychology... Basically the careers I was interested on. And between accounting and architecture, careers my parents proposed, more likely imposed... I prefer accounting.
I'm also overwhelmed because... What the genuine fuck is the world the last generation is handing to mine? Is shit, rental property prices are over the roof, inflation too, minimum wage in Mexico is pure bullshit, corruption is at its peak and- that's really the world I'm going to get tossed into?
This is not what I was promised. And adults are not doing anything.
But one at my age must focus on one thing at a time, just my education, right? Don't look through the window, the world is not currently burning down because of greedy pigs, don't pay attention to that.
It's... Been quite a few months. I don't know. I'm just so tired lately. It feels surreal. I don't wanna lose hope.