Self Heal
I believe that most people do not have the awareness of being a child until they are no longer children. The significance of this is that we are largely unaware of the experiences that are shaping us until long after they have happened. When I was six years old, I told my parents that I wanted to be an artist. They looked at me in pity and told me that I couldnʼt draw. Fast forward to twenty-one years later, I cried about that for the first time in my life, today. I have often wondered why there was such a mental block that I had towards my goals, towards achievement, towards everything Iʼve ever really wanted. Whenever I really want something, like want something badly, I shut down. I shut down, I fumble, I become mute and let it pass me by. Today I discovered why. I have been carrying the heart belief that when I want something, I canʼt do it. I canʼt be it. In my existence, there has always been a reason why I canʼt and why the people around me canʼt. My life has been dominated by limitations. So, I did the hard work. In my mind, I went back to my six-year-old self to re-parent her, and to reorient her mind. I imagined the scene one more time. Itʼs so old that I hear it more so than see it. I enacted two scenes; they represent two courses of action I could take for this situation. As an adult, I looked at my six-year-old self and I spoke to her. I asked her, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” She told me: “an artist”. So I said, “thatʼs great! Youʼre going to be an amazing artist. Thereʼs more than one kind of artist, what kind do you want to be?” She looked at me excitedly, “the kind that draws!” I beam at her, “Thatʼs awesome! Letʼs go get you some artist supplies”. *gets art supplies* “I want you to practice every day”, I say to the baby version of myself. “Iʼm going to hold your drawings in a big book so that as you get better you can look back and see your progress! Iʼm so proud of you!! I canʼt wait to see what you create!!” She grins at me while holding the papers and the colors pencils. She grows up to be a talented artist and I still have the scrap book that shows my first few drawing and everything that came afterwards. Thatʼs the first scenario. The second scenario involves me telling my younger parents off. In the second scenario, I am watching as an adult, my parents tell my six-year-old self that I canʼt draw, ergo, you canʼt be an artist. As soon as the words come out of their mouth, I jump in. ”Donʼt tell her that. Youʼre wrong”. I walk up to me at six and I crouch to look at her at eye level. “Lee”, I say. She's looking at me wide-eyed and I can see her heart pounding. “You can do whatever you want to do, you are capable. Anything you donʼt know how to do, you learn it and practice. Donʼt be afraid. Youʼre a strong, smart girl”. Thatʼs when the tears came. Present-day tears. Iʼm crying because for the first time I realize how lost I felt, how defeated I felt. I was crushed and embarrassed. Although I couldnʼt name those emotions at the time, I have lived with the burden they put on me. That moment was frozen in time in my mind for the last
twenty-one years. Iʼve been living in repression from that moment on. Itʼs been hell. Today, July 18, 2019, Iʼm finally free from that baby girl and from that experience. Repression is an ugly social norm. We are not free so we donʼt let those around us be free either. How many of us are experiencing the life we dream of? How many of us are living in color? How many of us are living our lives on anything besides autopilot? Not enough of us. When we were young and impressionable, we had people who suppressed us, then, in turn, we (some of us) started repressing ourselves. The difference is subtle. Many people have experienced and live with both on a daily basis. Today, more so than ever before, I invite you to look at the reason why you are repressing. Is it fear? Was it a parent or a guardian? Is it trauma and other unhealed wounds? Whatever the reason, this is a gentle reminder that none of those things are worth your quality of life. This life and this time are meant to be fully lived and experienced. Face yourself and love you. Love you hard. Do the internal work so that the way you perceive things can change. And then your world can change. You deserve it. Take that step towards freedom today.
- Leah Binns
