The Imperial Cantina Jam

A Star Wars fan blog with an emphasis on parodies. Please note the General Hux Roleplay for the GingerPilot fandom has been moved to @armitage-hux-dameron. Lots of Hux, Kylo and First Order stuff because I'm First Order trash. Lots of GingerPilot and Reylo, but I post for other ships as well. Ship freely and read the posts under whatever lens you choose. Disclaimer: I don't own any copyrighted material used here. Images for icon and background are from this link for Starkiller Base, this link for the image of the Cantina Band and this link for the Solar Panels All copyrighted material is intended as fair use

[pianopadawan]

I felt the need to make this alignment chart...

Palpatine is just having a good time ruining the galaxy. Look at that smile.

[gingerpilotevents]

GingerPilot Week 2022 - Theme Suggestions

Hello there! Calling all GingerPilot fans for GingerPilot Week 2022! This blog will be hosting the event alongside @gingerpilotbay!

When: Dates will be announced soon. There is currently a poll available for both date and theme suggestions. Alternatively, you can message this tumblr or the event Twitter account (@GP_events).

What: We are planning on having two themes per day for the event including both in-universe and crossover/AU/adjacent themes. We are currently taking suggestions for themes. If there is a theme that you would like to see featured in this year's event or have any other questions please let us know here. Anonymous theme suggestions are allowed too!

Event Guidelines can be found here.

Happy beeps, everyone!

[imperialcantinajam]

[imperialcantinajam]

The Star Wars fandom has the unique ability to turn one random line into an entire collection of memes like a bantha, and honestly, I feel like this power is pretty unmatched.

[imperialcantinajam]

"When I was 35, I had a crush on a pilot in the Resistance, and I didn't know how to deal with it. So, I wrote them a letter that just said 'I am the spy. Get out of my life. Also, somehow Palpatine returned.'"

- Armitage Hux (insp)

[imperialcantinajam]

5 Years after the Battle of Exegol

Finn: [*walks into Poe's room without knocking in the early morning*] Hey, Rey and I wanted to ask your opinion on...

Poe: [*sits up in bed, yawning*]

Hux: [*peeks out from the covers behind him*]

Finn: How the kriff is he here?! I thought he was dead!

Poe: Uh... somehow Hux returned?

Finn: That doesn't explain anything, and you know it.

Poe: Okay, okay. I went back for him, snuck him out, dropped him off on a neutral moon and got back in touch after the war.

Finn: This is... a lot to take in...

Poe: Oh and uh... somehow Hugs and I got married.

Finn: WHAT?!

Hux: [*pulls covers back over his head and goes back to sleep - he's been sleep-deprived for too many years to let something so trivial ruin his Saturday morning*]

[imperialcantinajam]

First Order Evacuation

I feel like at some point before Ep. IX, Allegiant General Pryde attempted a Star Destroyer evacuation drill staging a Resistance attack and it went about as well as the fire drill scene in The Office.

Pryde: Last week I gave an evacuation safety talk, and nobody paid any attention. Experience is the best teacher.

[LATER]

[The alarms go off on the Bridge.]

Hux: The Resistance breached the generator! The collapse of the Star Destroyer has begun!

Pryde: Oh, the Resistance Scum? Oh my goodness. What do we do, people? What's the procedure?

Kylo Ren: Oh my Force! Okay. It's happening! Everybody stay calm!! STAY KRIFFING CALM! HUX GET BEHIND ME!!!

Hux: Should we-

Kylo: [*screaming in his face*] EVERYONE KRIFFING CALM DOWN!!!! [*draws lightsaber and starts destroying the Bridge*]

Hux: [*tries to use exit*] The doors are jammed! We're trapped! Everyone for himself!

[Chaos ensues. Everyone on the Bridge is either crying or pushing people out of their way into the tech pit.]

Pryde: What's the procedure? We don't want to end up like the Death Star victims...

[Stormtroopers and officers are running in circles around the Bridge, tripping over MSE droids and the various bits of rubble in the wake of Kylo's ongoing lightsaber tantrum.]

Pryde: Remember your exit poin- [*gets knocked over by Stormtrooper*]

Mitaka: [*curls up in fetal position in the tech pit, crying*]

Hux: [*grabs Millicent from tech pit*] [*pushes people out of the way to get her to safety*]

Kylo: [*cuts lightsaber hole in the ceiling and climbs up*]

Hux: Ren! Pull me up!

Kylo: You're too heavy!

Hux: I only weigh 82 pounds without my coat and shoulder pads! [*throws Millicent*] SAVE MILLIE!

Kylo: [*falls through the ceiling along with Millicent, who fortunately lands on her feet*]

Hux: [*rushing to Millicent, tripping over Kylo in the process*] Millie, my darling! Are you alright! Move Ren!

Kylo: [*gets up and tries to smash window with Star Destroyer*] [*screams at the void of space*] HELP! HELP!!!

Pryde: [*dusts himself off and stands at the front of the Bridge with his arms crossed, shaking his head*]

[imperialcantinajam]

Maybe by “finishing what Darth Vader started” Kylo Ren meant “destroy elevators” like Anakin did in Ep. III. In that case, I think he succeeded.

[imperialcantinajam]

The whole galaxy could have turned out much better than it did at the end of Episode IX if Kylo and Hux had just done “Get Help” like Thor and Loki in Thor: Ragnarok with Palpatine. They have the elevator set up already.

Imagine, instead of Kylo walking in alone for the first scene.

*Kylo and Hux descend elevator surrounded by Palpatine statues with Hux “unconscious” on Kylo’s shoulder*

Palpatine: Snoke trained you well. I have been every voice you ever heard in your head. Now, join my evil...

Kylo: GET HELP! GET HELP! MY RABID CUR IS DYING!

Palpatine: You’re ruining my evil villain opening monol-

Kylo: HELP HIM!

*Force throws Hux at Palpatine who is killed by Hux’s many hidden knives* *Hux is unscathed because he’s a survivor*

LATER

Allegiant General Pryde: You assassinated the Emperor by throwing what at him?! How are we going to destroy the Resistance now without him resurrecting the Sith Eternal fleet?

Kylo: I have a plan.

AT THE RESISTANCE BASE

Poe: This time, we bring the battle to them! The First Order will never see us com-

Kylo: *bursts into base with Hux who has a fake bullet wound on his leg* GET HELP! GET HELP! HE’S DYING!!!!! HELP HIM!

*Force throws Hux at the Resistance and takes out half the gathering*

Rose: (looking on sadly) This is how democracy dies. With Get Help.

[pianopadawan]

Given the common trope of “people wandering in wilderness get caught up by cult trying to make human sacrifice” is in the horror genre in our galaxy, I am fully convinced that in the GFFA “Ewoks hunting humans who go hiking on Endor” is a common trope in the SW universe’s horror genre.

[imperialcantinajam]

Lor San Tekka: You cannot deny the truth that is your family.

Rey, who has just named herself a Skywalker because being a Palpatine sucks: I’m about to end this man’s whole career.

[imperialcantinajam]

Why Grand Moff Tarkin is So Grouchy

I’m re-watching a New Hope and just realized that Grand Moff Tarkin has the vibes of a guy who really needs a lunch break and is consequently getting increasingly grouchy as the day progresses. I now have a headcanon that he hasn’t had a lunch break since Rogue One.

Every time he tries to order a sandwich from GrubHub, Krennic causes a PR scandal that he has to deal with or calls him over to watch the Death Star blow something up. Finally, when Krennic is dead, Tarkin thinks that he can have his sandwich, but he is then repeatedly interrupted by Vader, Princess Leia escaping and the various events of a New Hope. He dies without ever having a lunch break.

I believe this headcanon adds a new layer to the film and is worthy of a spinoff movie, maybe two.

[imperialcantinajam]

GingerPilot AU where Poe takes Hux back to Ajan Kloss after the whole “I am the spy” “I knew it!” bit, but Pryde tracks them back:

Hux: How did you find me?!

Pryde: Oh, it was easy really. I just listened for the sound of complete and utter betrayal and followed that.

Poe: Oh my stars, he’s a witch with betrayal-sensing powers!

*everyone stares at him*

Pryde: No, Dameron. I just tracked your ship back and also narrowed down the location based on the fact that all of the Resistance’s secret bases are old Rebel bases.

Poe: Oh. I guess that does seem more likely.

In other words, if you didn’t get the reference to this, a GingerPilot Tangled AU would be far superior to what we got in the canon, because Hux would live and Pryde would be a fleshed out villain. Now, I just need a song called “Tyranny’s Best” to the tune of “Mother Knows Best” and I’m all set. (The reprise is “Democracy’s Best”.)

Inspired by my RP via @armitage-hux-dameron with the wonderful @pryde-before-the-fall. I was getting a lot of Mother Gothel vibes and needed to get this out of my system. I might write the song parodies if people express any interest in seeing them. In short, like most of my crossovers, I don’t know what this is.

[imperialcantinajam]

A+ Subtle Foreshadowing in TROS Like...

Hux in the Movie: *camera zooms in on him trying to smile innocently when Kylo mentions the spy* *no one is viable spy material in this scene except for Hux*

Hux in the Novelization: Hux spied a severed head on the table which made him tense the way a spy would, especially when Kylo talked about things related to what the spy had leaked. “Very spylike”, thought Kylo, while Allegiant General Pryde looked at Hux suspiciously the way one would look at a spy. Allegiant General Pryde did not like spies. He also happened to dislike Hux, which meant that if Hux happened to be a spy, shit would inevitably go down, but he couldn’t jump to conclusion like that.

Hux in Both: “Shoot me in the arm. That’ll take care of it. They won’t suspect anything. I’ve been very discreet about being the spy, you see.”

Very very subtle indeed.

[imperialcantinajam]

Poe Dameron blasts “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” at full volume during every battle. The song is playing in the background every time he prank calls Hux, who hates it because 1) he’s a “Wake Me Up When September Ends” sort of guy and 2) he’s tired of a similar thing happening when he tries to contact Ren’s TIE fighter and his hologram is drowned out by “Bring Me To Life (Wake Me Up Inside)” at full blast.

[imperialcantinajam]

Poe: What do you look for in the ideal partner?

Hux: Potential.

Poe: Romantic potential?

Hux: No. Destructive potential.

*later*

Poe: And that was when I knew I was perfect for him and he was perfect for me.

Finn: That still doesn’t explain why you’ve been hiding him in your closet for the past two months since the war ended but okay then.

[imperialcantinajam]

Hux: I'm the spy.

Poe: I knew it!

Finn: How?

Poe: The data pad with the message was covered in ginger cat hair and smelled like Hugs' sadness.

Finn: How do you know what his cat looks like?

Hux: How do you know what my sadness smells like?!