Malvina, it's only been a week, but I think I'm going to need to leave this place?! Your people are crazy, the area around the village is crazy, and the EFFORT I had to make to cure something as SIMPLE as a HANGOVER—Well. I'm getting ahead of myself. I'll try to write it in your fancy template, let me just find one of your older reports.
PATIENT
Ruben Potts, the local carpenter that the constable brought in instead of the others whose ailments he discussed the night before. Going by the manner of speech the constable had and the temperament of Ruben, I'm guessing this man has a very high status in your quaint village.
SYMPTOMS
green complexion; general nausea; sensitive to lights, smells, sounds; the grouchiness of a man who lost a lot of money along with the contents of his stomach
DIAGNOSIS
Malvina, darling, I didn't even need your excessive notes for this one. If nothing else, this vagrant can see that this an has a Hangover. Why the man needed help from a witch and not just dunking his head in the cold river for a couple of minutes is beyond me.
TREATMENT
MORE BEER FOR HIM AND ME Despite the fact that a good, cold soak and some hearty food will do the trick, alas, I am supposed to be upholding your reputation as a reputable witch. I checked in your notes about the various flora and fauna (such scientific sounding words!) and decided to go with grabbing Deep Reeds and Skullcaps in the bogs between Meltwater Loch and Hero's Hollow. It seemed an easy trip and I could grab some extra in case I run into the same issue here soon. Ruben Potts had absolutely no qualms with sleeping in our bed when I got ready to leave, so I cannot imagine how well I'm going to like the rest of your village.
Anyway, I grab your my things and set off in search of these deep reeds in Meltwater Loch. Thankfully, you described them really well as I would not have noticed these from normal reeds otherwise. The problem came after I finished grabbing the reeds. As I pulled the last reed out (and realizing I really needed gloved the next time I was going to do this), a blood-curdling bark echoed across the loch. I had heard that sound before and immediately hoofed it to the massive skull acting as a border between Hero's Hollow and Meltwater Loch.
Malvina, do you all have a CÙ-SÌTH in this area?! Thankfully, I didn't confirm it as I got into the skull and hid before the third bark, but I about decided to leave your village right then and there. Who comes to a WITCH for a HANGOVER CURE when there are fucking CÙ-SÌTH running around?!
AND THIS WASN'T EVEN THE CRAZIEST PART, MALVINA!
Long after the last bark sounded, I finally picked my way out of the skull (do I have to worry about creatures that make that skull, too, Malvina??) and headed to the bog thoroughly within Hero's Hollow territory to get the skullcaps. These mushrooms are fucking hideous, by the way. How did you get these in the past without losing the contents of your own stomach?!
I grabbed the disgusting things with one foot poised to run back to that skull at the slightest hint of noise. It's a bog, so there were some gross noises in general along with the ever-present mist. Honestly, if the other areas you wrote about in your notes are like this, I am surprised you weren't "missing or dead" before this. Anyway, I heard a snapping noise and immediately jumped to run to that skull when I slammed into someone's chest. I am not usually someone that others can sneak up on, especially not when I'm so vigilant either, so I immediately started to fight.
Can you believe it, Malvina, but this bastard actually chuckled at me?! I was obviously a bit annoyed by this sudden laughter, and told them so. To their benefit, they did seem a little apologetic. They then proceeded to invite me to dinner in their throne room, which sounded like a really absurd pick-up line to use in the middle of a bog while I was holding the scariest looking mushrooms I've ever seen in my life. I told them that I don't accept intimate dinner dates form strangers, and they responded by introducing themselves as the "Master of Shadows". Honestly, based on stealth alone, this person was worlds above the previous "Master of Shadows" I met who could only pull a rabbit out of the hat about 50% of the time.
Anyway, I was about to refuse a second time when this person proceeded to OPEN A PORTAL RIGHT THEN AND THERE TO THEIR THRONE ROOM. Is this how you went missing, Malvina? By gorgeous people ripping apart dimensional space to "have a meal" with you?! The place on the other side of the portal looked so incredibly strange that it took me a while to realize that the person was expecting me to walk through. THANKFULLY, I AM REALLY GOOD AT TALKING MY WAY OUT OF THINGS. They were extremely tempting, though. Honestly, the portal made it clear that I should be afraid of this being more than the cù-sìth (STILL ROAMING THE LANDS!), but I couldn't shake the feeling that they were rather sweet. This obviously means they're dangerous, if they can mess with my gut instinct like this.
As I was saying, I somehow managed to persuade this "Master of Shadows" person that I was very clearly on a deadline to help an ailing villager (who honestly could help himself, but that's neither here nor there), and said that they would love to convene at another time and also that they would leave the portal (?!) open for me to join them at any point. As soon as it looked like I could get away without offending this being or getting killed while my back was turned, I high-tailed it back to your my cottage.
Ruben Potts was still happily snoring away in the bed as I got back, which was good as I didn't want him to witness me fumbling around for your books on how to build this stupid potion. You know, Malvina, for all of your massive notes about herbs, locales, etc., you don't actually write a lot on how to make the potions? Sure, you have how to crush/boil/whatever said herb, but do I mix the items together a certain way? Do I always have to put it in water? I have not worked at an apothecary before, Malvina!
Whatever, Ruben is going to wake up soon, so I'm going to fucking wing it.
POTION STEPS
Put Deep Reeds (like, 2 of them) into mortar/pestle.
Crush Deep Reeds for a LONG time (until oily paste made)
Put equal parts Skullcaps into the mortar/pestle.
Crush Skullcaps into the paste (do NOT look during this process)
Take extremely aromatic paste and bundle it into small bags. Makes about 4.
Smelling the bag alone started curing my own nausea straight away, so I figured it was good enough. I tried out the oil from the deep reeds in the fireplace and found it highly flammable. I kicked Ruben awake, who grouched at me until I stuck a bundle under his nose. When he finally shut up and looked surprised at this smell's effectiveness (rude! I am currently pretending to be a competent witch! Shouldn't he feel assured?!), I told him to throw the other bundle in the fire when he gets home if he doesn't feel fully recovered by then. He gave me the measly 20 silver and then left without so much as a "Thank you". I think I will rob him first, Malvina.
Anyway, I noticed you have a garden plot out back like you mentioned in your notes, so I am going to spend the next couple of days planting these deep reeds. I have absolutely no clue how to cultivate mushrooms, and frankly, anything that would keep me from having to encounter the cù-sìth again is a win in my book.
Also, what the fuck is the constable's name?! I keep forgetting to ask.
Your people are a real nosy bunch, huh? Here I was, thinking this nice secluded cottage out of the way of the major roads would be a great place to lie low for the night (or two... or three...), when all of a sudden, your village’s mother-henning, friendly constable shows up?!
Thankfully, you left a lot (and I mean this sincerely, a very suspicious amount) of notes regarding you, your profession, and how to do said profession. I, not wanting to spend my first night indoors in a while behind bars, very calmly and elegantly (if I do say so myself) introduce myself as the new village witch in place of dear, dear old late Malvina. That is a rather witchy name, by the way. Were you born into witchhood?
Anyway, I obviously didn’t let on that you were missing/dead. Sorry, love, I really don’t want to be potentially implicated in that. Just that you had sent me, your witch penpal (is that a thing? The constable definitely thinks so now, anyway), to fill your place while you go on a lovely adventure. The constable seemed to take the nonsense story with no suspicion whatsoever. Does your village see any crime at all?! In any case, I think I’ll be able to at least pretend my way through a few of these diagnoses with your, frankly, EXCESSIVE notes. I am not a witch, nor have I ever shown any capability towards being one, but the current ailments the constable was saying a few of the villagers have seem to be in your notes. I’ll just sneak out once the ailments get more difficult and find my way to the next secluded cottage.
Think of these letters to you as a sort of penance for me taking over your life for a bit. There are a lot of notes here, though, Malvina. Did you intend for someone to show up at your house and take over?! Should I be worried that an actual replacement witch will show up soon? Luckily, I’m really good at talking my way out of things, so we I should be okay if that happens.
Well, I should probably get ready for this sleep I so desperately wanted. I’m sure we’ll speak again soon.
- Juniper
(Obviously not my real name, but I don’t think we’re close enough for that yet, love)
