you thought you'd had me figured out.
sometimes you stop to think about where you started, and where you are presently. you think about all of the things you've done wrong, things you've said that had been misunderstood, and things you wish you could redo or take back. sometimes when i think about these things, sometimes it helps -- mostĀ of the time, it doesn't.
i'd been told it was alright to take time, to find out where i was. to find out who i was, who i wanted to be, and how i wanted to cope or deal with certain situations. sometimes i don't know what i need, or what i'd want or like. i'm impulsive, an asshole, a naive little fuck who doesn't know any better. i trust too easily, and forgive too much, and in the end i always get burned. i try to make myself believe that i'm bettering myself, that i'm trying. but sometimes i stop and think about everything i've done, or said, and i hate myself more. i turn out to dislike myself so damn much and neglect myself of things as punishment.Ā
i always try to find some good in people, even if i hate them - i try to find something in that person that represents goodness, or at least the thought of it. a lot of the time when i'm doing this, i find a lot more things that i hate within myself. i find a lot of things i can't change, or can't control, even though i wish to fuck i could. i'm not asking for sympathy. i'm not asking for someone to care, i just needed to put everything down, so i could stop picking apart myself for a second.Ā
sometimes trying isn't enough.
sometimes love isn't enough.
sometimes even though you try so fucking hard, it still won't be enough. i wish it was enough. i wish to god that it was enough. if it was good enough for even a second, i'd be happy. i'd be happy for just a second, but a second of happiness is more than what i deserve.Ā
in the past, i'd been a terrible person. after something turned my life for the worst, i stopped caring. i stopped sparing feelings, i stopped being myself. some people saw the best in me, and stayed with me, by my side, while others got out while they could. the people that stayed saw me for who i was, not the person i was trying to be.Ā
i try to act like i'm tough, like i'm an asshole. i try to act like i don't care, and i try to distance myself the fuck away from situations before it turns on me. the truth is that i care too much underneath it all. under it all, i care so much that even if i'm being an asshole, i'm still putting everything first above myself. i can't be selfish. i can't be like that. as much as i wish i could be, i can't.
i don't want to need love. i don't want to need approval. i feel like i'm better off alone. that's how i've always felt - that's how i've always been. just this entire situation happening has just kinda forced me to wake up. i'm not alright. i won't be. i don't think i ever will.Ā
i keep holding on but i don't fucking know why or what for. i keep hanging onto this, fully knowing it's done and that there's nothing else i can do. but i don't want to give up on it. i'm stupid, naive and i put myself through so much shit. sometimes love, sometimes friends and things you need in life won't seem like enough. they won't seem like enough and you'll start to wonder why.
why do you put up with this shit.
i ask myself that every day. i have for possibly the last consecutive five years of my life. i wonder what i'm doing. who i am, who i'll turn out to be. why i'm here, what for. what am i even doing. i don't know the answers to those questions. idk why i even.
then go fucking figure. something else comes along to make my life more confusing and more scary than it was originally. all i want to do is live in my own bubble. i don't need someone to love me, i don't need affection. in fact, i don't want it. it'd be wasted on me. i'm too broken for this shit. this is just all of the shit i'll never be able to say because when i try the words get all fucked up in my head and i can't make sense of them.
i don't need someone to love me. i don't need someone to protect me, or look out for me. i've always looked out for myself - that's how its been. i've protected others, and watched my own ass. i don't think i know how to let someone take care of me. in fact, i'm pretty convinced i don't know how. i'm too independent, and as i was reminded, "too fucking stubborn". i don't know how i get myself into these situations. i don't need anyone. because in the end you only really have yourself, i guess. the things that were said just prove that this person wasn't who i thought they were. and i guess that's what hurts the most.
i'd found the person beneath all of that shit - the real person, and not the artificial bullshit one. that's why this bugs me. that's why i won't let it go. that's why i'll be angry about it for a really, really long time. i was told, i was simply the bitch on the side, or whatever, and they'd asked me if i was sure that i wasn't. i answered yes. because i'm truthful, i'm loyal despite whatever the fuck happens. i'm confident in my choices and in the right and wrong decisions i've made in my life. it may not be going my way now, it may never go my way for a really, really long time. but i'll either get used to it, or let it go.Ā
what makes me so angry about it all was the fact that not only did i believe that there was some good to be found, i hadĀ found it - but it didn't change a single thing. it didn't change anything or make it different. because in the end, i made another ill advised choice, i guess. but i can't help how i feel, i can't help what has happened. it's out of my control and it's been out of my hands the entire time.Ā
i'm angry because i hoped better. i'm angry because i wanted to believe better. but i should've known, everyone is the same. they're all heartless, spineless mother fuckers who become childish when they don't get what they want. and sometimes people will lash out at you.
tell me, when the guilt sets in for me, will you do anything?
will you be there to force me to try and breathe again, or will it just be done? or will i just sink and lose what little fragmented pieces i have left of myself floating in my head? i'm all confused, but somehow i still want to try. despite everything, i wish i could take it back. i wish i could have protected myself more, and not gotten so used to an idea that wasn't sure to happen in the first place. i should've protected myself more, i should've tried to. but unfortunately, i almost let someone in. i almost let them get close to me like that. i hadn't even realized it was happening until everything went wrong.
i answered a question honestly, and apparently i'm melting down? i wouldn't call that a meltdown exactly.Ā
i wish i'd meant a little more after all of this. like. i'm hurt. it hurts because of what happened. i'm too scared to try, i'm too scared to reach out and ask for someone. i can't ask for help because i don't want to put anyone in that situation. i can't ask for someone to pull me out of the water, because i couldn't breathe even if i was above it all. i wanted to believe it was different. i wanted to believe that it wouldn't be like this, but it always is--isn't it?Ā
it's like i never knew you at all. it's like i didn't know the magnitude of the situation at all. i'm so stupid. i'm so fucking naive.Ā
i don't want to see this happen. i don't want to be around for this.
i can't do this to myself. i need to come first for once in my life. i need to be first.
this just feels so wrong. it just feels so moronic, but i can't help how i feel inside. and i can't put them away somewhere. i just can't.Ā
i don't know what i'm doing anymore.Ā
