Things im very scared of

This is a page dedicated to incredibly personal issues i have, under the veil of anonymity.

[assdevourer]

ACAB also applies to golfers for some reason it just feels right

[imscareddonthelp]

Once again i am engulfed in fog

I dont know what caused it. I dont know if anything is.

But the Fog has settled over my world once again. Continuously trapped in a haze of pointlessness and confusion. Screams echo throughout the thick, dense carpet that obscures the light.

I feel light. Like im ready to flee. Take off into the horizon. But know i would simply return.

[imscareddonthelp]

“Nostalgic for memories ive never had” - ‘Piedmont’ by Destroy Boys. I havnt had a lot of the classic teenage experiences. Ive never had that “young love” that is so often romanticised and depicted on film. Ive not had a first love, a first kiss, a first bad break up. These things are obviously important to people, since they are such a huge part of so many tv-shows and movies.  These are obviously formative experiences and fond memories, despite how painful they might be. And ill never have them. Im almost 25 years old. A quarter of a century, and ive never been held by another person. Ive never laid in bed with someone holding hands and talking about nothing. 

And at this point, i feel so out of the loop on how to get to any of those things i dont know if i ever will. I feel so alien from everyone else.  Its not that i think being in love or having a partner would fix every problem i have, i know it wouldnt. Im not looking for someone to fix me, i just want someone to give all of this love inside me to. I want someone i want to share things with.  I want those butterflies ive heard spoken of so often. But i dont know how to even remotely get anywhere near it.  At this point i dont think i ever will, and im not sure im OK with that. 

Dating apps dont come naturally to me, i dont know how to ask someone out on there. And outside of that, i dont know anyone. I have no clue how to do anything. Everything just seems to have happened around me and the learning process have happened naturally for my peers. Yet im left behind in a cloud of confusion and isolation. 

This is not an “incel” thing, and im not owed anything or anyone, dont get me wrong. I just feel like i dont even know where to start getting out of this hole ive dug myself.  I just wish i fell for someone. I just want to feel head over heels blown away by another person. 

I am probably throwing up a bunch of red flags here. And i feel like im starting to see why no one has fallen for me either. 

[imscareddonthelp]

So depression’s back on the menu.

According to the psychologist im seeing, im definitely back in depression. I came in because of panic attacks and today i was told that he believed we should focus on your depression before we could deal with the panic attacks. 

Everything just seems to overwhelming. Im not thriving in my current job, but its probably the best job ill be able to get. Not just pay-wise, but in terms of them accommodating the things i struggle with.  I cant go get a different education, because its just unrealistic for me to try and finish one, in any field.  Im draining away and burning out and i cant find a way to refuel. 

The current situation isnt helping either, other than the pandemic, it feels as if the entire world is on fire, even more-so than usual. Im scared for the safety of everyone i know around the world.  My chest feels empty and drained, and suffocating. Im not gonna hurt myself, and this isnt a cry for help. This is an attempt to vent out the fears and frustrations that are bouncing around inside my skull.

I just dont enjoy anything right now I’ve lost the feeling of passion and drive ive ever had for anything. And that is what terrifies me the most. 

[imscareddonthelp]

Id rather my fears were more present and tangible.

Lately ive been feeling a dread inside me, ever-present, and ever-growing. But i cannot describe it. Its just there.

And how intangible and how indescribable it is what makes it the most painful. Its like a fog that fills my apartment and follows me through the day. It makes it hard to breathe, it makes it hard to see. And i hide it. 

[imscareddonthelp]

You ever get sad you have someone you love so deeply?

Im not necessarily talking about romantic love here. Any kind of love counts.

I sometimes think about what id do if my twin brother died. I really dont know. We dont have as tight a relationship as we used to, and he lives far away these days. But i love him so fucking much, and I fear that ill one day be along in this world without him. Same thing with my parents. I cant emotionally afford for them to leave. Or my sister. Or my best friend. These are all probably way in the future but i cant help but feel anxious about it happening. 

I look to the future with fear in my heart, knowing i might have one less person with me. I dont wish to die, but i sincerely hope i go before anyone else does. 

[imscareddonthelp]

What even is sexuality?

Honestly. I dont understand the concept.

In my near 23 years on this earth, i have had one (1) crush on another being. I dont experience “crushes” on people, and i dont have a lot of romantic feelings in general. I dont know what it is about me. I just dont get a lot feelings towards others in that regard. I dont know whats wrong with me. And this sort of leads in to my next issue:

Sure, ive been sexually attracted to people and its not like i dont masturbate, but ive never actually wanted to personally have sex with another living being. I just dont consider myself a “sexual being”, guess. Ive never had a desire to “have” sex myself.

What is sexuality. I dont think im ace, because i definitely feel attraction. I just dont want to experience the sex itself. What is it. I dont understand. How does it work. 

And before people tell me in a “cuckold” or whatever, i dont particularly want to have whomever im in a hypothetical relationship with have sex with others. I dont think id mind it if we had talked about it, and we were both on the same page and shit, but i wouldnt actively say “hey go fuck someone else, that’d be hot”. 

Fuck this world is dumb and difficult. Why is everything so weird and shit. I hate it.

[imscareddonthelp]

Americans make me sad.

So, I have a lot of American friends. I like my friends, and i tend to try to treat people with respect and empathy. 

A lot of my american friends have told me i am very nice and friendly and supportive. I dont see it. I am legitimately just treating them with the sort of support and friendship i want to be treated with, and i dont think im doing anything exceptional. Yet these guys act like im a saint. I dont understand. 

Are a lot of american guys just conditioned to be bad friends, or to not support eachother emotionally? I dont get it. It makes me sad that I, someone who is just treating them as a friend, am viewed as a person of incredible kindness. Im sad that their standards have been set so low. Which is why i must keep upping my game. I must continue showing them the kindness they are deprived of. 

[imscareddonthelp]

A realization ive had:

I think i might have romanticized platonic love a bit too much in my life.

Ive never been in a romantic or sexual relationship. Ive never really had much of a desire to pursue one, but i feel like i might have convinced myself that i wont ever need to be in one, and that ill never desire to be in one. I think i might have tried telling myself that platonic friendships are more important. Dont get me wrong, friends are incredibly important and a vital part of life, and i love my friends an incredible amount. 

But i feel like i might have tried to make myself believe that romantic love is actively inferior to platonic. 

I dont think it is. Love is a very broad range of emotions, and they are all valid and important. Its not something that is vital or needed at all times, but they are all important nonetheless. 

I think i might try to actually begin “looking out” for someone. 

[imscareddonthelp]

I have fears and emotions relating to said fears.

I have a few things that I am afraid of. Its not “spooky” stuff, like ghosts, clowns, or aliens. 

The things i am afraid of are mainly concepts and ideas relating to aging. I fear finding my passion, working hard on something, and finishing my life’s work. Because once ive done that, what is left to do? I dont want to ever be “done” with whatever i enjoy. I fear reaching the summit of whatever interest i have. 

I lie asleep at night, craving achievement and success, but i am kept awake by the dreams that ill one day peak and itll become a downwards spiral once more. 

This is mainly an issue because it keeps me from putting myself “out there” in a lot of ways. I dont want to begin something out of fear of succeeding and then plummeting afterwards.