The Quest For Zen

[imsosickofhatingmyself-blog]

Warren G - Regulate ft. Nate Dogg

Music video by Warren G performing Regulate. (C) 1994 The Island Def Jam Music Group

[imsosickofhatingmyself-blog]

Well That Was Fast

I did it. I made an appointment with a Psychiatrist. Straw that broke the Camels back was having a chat with my Dad and discovering he (for most of his life) is on ADHD Meds! He said it’s very hard for him to work without them!!! The itch at the back of my brain to constantly change my focus and do something else might finally be about to be extinguished, it’s taken me so long to even make this appointment I’m trying not to let all my hopes ride on a single magic bullet - and I doubt that medication is like a magic bullet. But back in the day when I was but a wee lad (lol) medication literally was a magic bullet!! It made me normal and an actual well adjusted human being. It feels good to try this avenue on my terms, my rules. My hopes aren’t super high but i’m allowing them to sit level :) I’m an adult and I’m making changes

[imsosickofhatingmyself-blog]

I Think There May Be Something More Wrong With Me

Is it abnormal to not be able to relax? Like at all? Because that’s what my life is quickly becoming. I have bigloads of ADHD up in my brain which is what I blame for this weird new development.  Everyone always says take a walk and that works - sometimes. But I don’t want to have to walk like 15 times a day, it’s not fun! Maybe I need to quit coffee too

[imsosickofhatingmyself-blog]

Also I’m going to put music here because I like music

[Miami - Jasper Byrne]

[imsosickofhatingmyself-blog]

What's The Point Of A Social Creature That Struggles To Socialize!?

It's an entirely confusing existence. You are literally a walking, talking contradiction!? Human beings are social creatures - sure some can be nomadic but overall we need to socialize to survive. SO WHY IS IT SO HARD. It's also great when you realise you're struggling with something that teenagers struggle with, did i go back in time? Or did I eat something and my brain reverted 10 YEARS

[imsosickofhatingmyself-blog]

Also

I swear to god if someone I know finds this shit you are 100% not allowed to talk with me about it. Well you can but I'll get REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. This is Bridget Jones diary over here, I just want somewhere where who I am is recorded

[imsosickofhatingmyself-blog]

Depressive Tendencies

I really hope no one I know reads this. Maybe I'm at a low point in life? Maybe complaining about things isn't going to help. I don't really care anymore, I've hit the point where I just need to get my thoughts out somewhere and this is that place. A friend said I should keep a diary, I've tried to keep diaries but they never work. I'm too lazy to attempt to write everything down that I get bored. Making a Tumblr is probably a little bit narcissistic, but that's what I tell myself every time I try to take a step to put something down on paper so I'm just going to push past that now and just keep this place for me. If you found this and you're having trouble too I hope maybe this helps you in some way, you can reach out to me as well if you want but I can't help people who won't help themselves (it's gonna seem like im one of those people but really this is an actual attempt to help myself). I have highs and lows. We all have highs and lows right? My highs are super on top of the world everything's great and my lows equate to dreaming of ending my life, I WOULD NEVER ACTUALLY DO IT - but the comfort of dreaming of the act is something that's kinda interesting yknow? Like just giving up and not being able to worry anymore is just such a relaxing idea. Why can't I do that while I'm still here though? I'm not sure, it's very very hard for me to relax. I think the majority of my issues stem from socializing with people. I've DEFINITELY got a level of social anxiety, but at the same time I also have a level of needing to not be alone. The former almost outranks the latter but then when I get into social situations the latter kicks in and I'm just generally fucked! I usually can't relax unless I know I've organised to do something with people, but then when I go to do something a lot of the time I just want to relax!! What a weird quandry - I figure other people have this issue it just strikes me as so stupid. But hopefully it'll fade, either that or I'll explode into a ball of insanity and go out in a blaze of glory, that or join a sports team!