โย ashamed ?ย โย ย it is the first thing isa latches on to, even though there are plenty of other hurts. it's the first time she thinks she's ever heard ellie so candid, so blatantย โย her anger gives her some honesty, it seems. she's angry with isa. angry she's been avoiding her. there's guilt, there, coiled hot and curdling in isa's belly with some semblance of discomfort. she's beenย wantingย to talk to ellie. she always wants to talk to ellie. but that thrum of betrayal, that weird feeling ofย i don't know where i belong with herย was enough to make isa shy away from it. knowing all this, hearing ellie's ire, she thinks she would've done it differently if she could go back. but she can't, and neither can ellie.ย ย โย i'm notย โย i'm notย ashamedย of you. ever.ย you're soย โย i think you're so good. andย it has nothing to do with jj, either ! notย really.ย โย ย when ellie puts it like that, throws it in isa's face like she's being unreasonable, it makes frustration bubble in her gut, too.
โย it's not like that. i'm not ashamed of you, i was justย hurt.ย and just like you came back for me, i came here forย you.ย we're bothย โ ย โย ย isa doesn't know. she doesn't know what she's trying to say, for once. her arms fold over her belly, some semblance of a self - soothe.ย ย โย you're making it soundย โย stupid.ย small.ย but it isn't, not toย me,ย it hurt me. finding out you only told meย pieces of things.ย it's not like you avoided everything, i know that, but youย โย it felt like you conveniently left stuffย out. like it was purposeful. and maybe it was and that's fine, butย thatย stings. i would've rather you just told me the truth, that you didn't want to share it. or that it was complicated. orย anything.ย โ
her voice is quiet, much quieter than ellie's. she isn't fighting, sheย isn't,ย isa is just bleeding, instead. she bleeds here, belly up, neck bared for bite if ellie wants to go for the throat. isa doesn't know how to reciprocate. she doesn'tย want toย go for the throat. she wants to touch, to soothe, instead. she'd reach for ellie if she could. she knows she can't. (ย don't fucking touch me!ย )ย ย โย i shouldn't have ignored you.ย โย ย she gives, her lower lip trembling.ย ย โย i shouldn't have, and i'm sorry. i was hurt and being dumb about it. you didn't have to tell me anything. i know that. i justย โย we don't have to talk in circles about it, but i'mย sorry.ย i'm sorry i hurt you.ย โย ย isa mirrors ellie, here, leans against cold railing, her fingers folded, twisted together. the night is chilly. she feels unmoored, a little bit shattered. ellie feels lightyears away.ย ย โย iย doย think about you.ย โย ย quiet and sad.ย ย โย you drop jj off at daycare. you get home from patrols around dinnertime. you hang out with jace. sometimes i see you with dina. wendy checks in on you a lot. if i'm up early enough, sometimes you're out and about through my window. i notice youย allย the time.ย โ