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20141229: Thankful For
Two days before the first day of 2015 and I just thought of making a list of the three things I'm thankful and grateful for each day.
Thankful I was able to sleep well last night.
Thankful for Diel's never-ending support.
Thankful for the food I've received over the weekend at Jay's.
20141101
Love, I've always had problems with commitment. I'm scared of giving myself away. I'm scared of allowing people to see the real me. I'm scared that people and emotions will just bring me down, or will be a barrier to dream higher and reach farther. I've always seen relationships as a distraction and a hindrance to success.
But you changed all that. With you, I start to understand what love really is. What love TRULY is. Yes, it's true that I've been with a lot of guys, had a lot of flings here and there. But that was all in the past, love. I could not see myself walking into the same history lane again.
The way I'm feeling for you - the LOVE I'm feeling for you - I've NEVER felt this before and that's how I know it's you - you're the one for me. Expressing how much I love you makes me cry because it is just... overwhelming. I've never imagined it'd be possible for me to love this much before - when I thought all the love in me was gone.
Love is not just having someone who would stand beside you through whatever. Love isn't about being together physically. Your love is the drive that keeps me going farther despite the physical distance that we have. It moulds me to be in my best self, so we both can enjoy ourselves in the future. Your love is my purpose to live. And I finally have a reason to be alive.
I think about my future and I see you in it. That's a HUGE something, love. I've always seen my future with me with my cash and my bling bling (and a four-legged pet, perhaps hehe). But this time around, since you decided to take a risk and tell me what I mean to you, I begin to realise that hey, life is meant to be shared. I see myself now, with you, having kids and raising a family together (with cash and bling bling, of course). That picture is really wonderful in my head. The future is not that scary after all. Loving and being loved in return is such an awesome feeling. And I have been truly happier since that day - September 14. And it was all because of you.
People make mistakes and I know my sorrys will never be enough. I made mistakes in the past and I have no idea how to make it up to you. It was a temporary high and I was not myself. I wish I didn't make any mistake that'll bother you. There's not a way I can erase those memories in your head though I wish I could. I really wish I could :( but history is written and there's nothing, really, that I can do to change that. Changing the past is impossible. It's beyond my ability. If there's a way to change it, I would have done it a long time ago.
All I can do is focus on the now and our future. I just have to let go of my past and not dwell on it any longer. There's no reason to dwell on it anyway, and there's nothing I can do to change anything. It would just be a waste of time to think and rethink about it when there's a future - our future - that I can work on. And I promise you none of the past will every happen again - ever. And you can trust me on that.
You bring out the best in me. I love you.
20141019
Mama, you remind me of a lot of things. I went to the main station today and walked passed the 7 Eleven we've been to. It reminded me of you. I told my friend Charles about it, too. I thought speaking my thoughts out would help me move on. Remembering you is a nice feeling. I miss you everyday.
20141019
Finding the meaning in love songs is such a good feeling.
Diary Backtrack
20140918
You calm me down, and make me stop thinking too much. You make me chase my dreams, and assure me youâre only one step behind.
20140921
As cheesy as this may sound.. Because of you, I find meaning in love songs all over again.
20140924
Constantly amazed at how what Iâm feeling for you can make me make things work.
Perplexed, but in a good way.
20140924
Iâll just say it, plain and simple.
Iâve never felt this happy in a very long time, love.
Itâs you, all along.
We both know weâve got a long way to go, and itâs scary. But Iâm looking forward to the future with you.
20140925
Why does it feel like youâre not telling me something I need to know?
20140926
Iâve been living each day with a mask on, and tonight it feels like Iâm losing myself.
20141003
I should not trust people easily. Something I should always always remind myself of.
20151003
Itâs all starting to sink in now. I know I have to cry this out, so I can let it go. So I can let you go.
For the longest time I thought I was ready, Mama Judy. Yesterday, it all happened and I really wasnât ready at all. It breaks me so bad deep inside, every time I think of everything. I recall all the things weâve done together. I think of all the times I went with you to your check-ups. The times we got late because of the traffic. The longest MRT ride I did, just to see you. It was all worth it, it was all worth it. I would always remember the times you brought me a lot of groceries. They were heavy! You brought them all the way from Hsinchu to Taipei, for me. I would always remember the times I went over to your place. Not the best memory, but hell, those are parts of the fun memories I have of you. I remember bringing a shitload of hotpot dim sum so we could cook it together.
I remember the time Mom and bro came over to see you. I remember bringing my brother to see you. Taking a bus, figuring out how to go to the hospital. That was fun. It will be one of the things that will always remind me of you. I still remember when I had to say goodbye because I needed to head back to Taipei. Taking the HSR, when I could have taken a bus, which would be cheaper. But we took the HSR anyway because I was already so tired I wanted to sleep. I remember the last time I hugged you. I wouldnât want to let go. I wasnât sure when I was going to see you again. I went back to Manila and there you were. We even celebrated your birthday together. The night I left, I called you up to tell you Iâm leaving.. again. With a hope to see you again when I get back.
I could have done a lot better than that. I could have spent more time with you. I could have been more focused on you than anyone else. After all, youâre the reason why I wanted to be here.Â
I know I have to let these emotions go, Mama Judy. I need to let you go. Youâre in a far better place now. Pain-free. Happy. At peace. This is all for the better. You were in pain, everything was in chaos. You know how happy I am for you now. But I just have to let this all out. I have to write everything down so it wouldnât be that painful anymore. I feel broken, but I know I shouldnât. I know you would;t want me to feel like this. Life always goes on. The sooner I let these feelings go, the earlier I could start patching things up and focus on my priorities in life. My new priorities in life.
Thank you for everything, Mama Judy. For always reminding me to stay alert. For telling me to take care of myself. And for assuring Mom that I can take care of myself here. Thank you for feeding me really good food. Thank you for giving me cash, because like you said, you wouldnât need it anymore. Being away from the family is hard. And youâve been away from the family for a very long time. I can never imagine how hard it was for you. I love you, Mama Judy. Iâll love you always.
Every hello has to end in a goodbye. And goodbyes are the most painful thing. Help me accept this goodbye easier.
20141012
I donât want to lose you. Iâm scared to lose you.
Please donât let go.
20141015
YOU HAVE TO AT LEAST TRY
ćŻäžćäœ , ææćŻä»„æłćæȘäŸă Only with you, can I imagine a future.
w.y. (via translated-feels)
Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.
Maya Angelou (via quotethat)
Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate, or despise, serves to defeat us in the end.
Henry Miller (via quotethat)
Relationships arenât that hard. Be honest, stay loyal, love fearlessly. And if you canât be that kind of person, donât be in a relationship. Things are only complicated if you choose to complicate them.
(via the-taintedtruth)
ćŻäžćäœ , ææćŻä»„æłćæȘäŸă Only with you, can I imagine a future.
w.y. (via translated-feels)
I sent you a screenshot of this tonight to remind you that it's alright. It's alright that you lost her. Because that's how you found me. It makes me tense to question if you'd ever love me like you loved her. But it's alright.
I have to be alright.
20141016 23:44
My Dearest,Â
Twenty three hours after telling me about the Secret Weapon I realise that hey, might be crazy but let me do that too. So here I am putting up a new blog especially for you - my raw thoughts laid out, the questions I ask myself, and everything else around and in between.
