Grief
I lost my boyfriend in 2019 just shy of 6 months after I lost my mom to cancer and I feel I haven't been able to move forward in life, I'm a shell of the person I used to be. I have moved on physically but mentally I can't get over the loss. I've come to terms with my mother's death, she's no longer in pain or suffering and that's all I could have ever wanted back then. My boyfriend's death is the one I still struggle with the most, it was unexpected, wrong place wrong time situation...he was a victim in a mass shooting. I still struggle daily with the loss of both, I miss my mother more than words can explain and I needed her strength to guide me through the loss of my boyfriend but she was gone and then he was gone & I was alone. There are moments I feel I'm fine and then others when I know I'm not.
My point in writing this post is for help...fast forward its 2024 almost 2025 and I'm in a new relationship and this guy only knows me after all the death i've experienced...way more than just the 2 I mentioned & I miss the hell out of my boyfriend who passed. I was single for a year after he passed, talked to no one..looked at no one. I became friends with this guy and before I knew it we were in a relationship & everything was great in the beginning, I was happy & now I'm not sure. I find myself constantly missing my BF who passed, thinking about him going through old messages and reminiscing on the times we shared and the times we lost out on. I envision our life and what could have been and am constantly upset at the life that was taken away from me. I don't know what to do and i've considered therapy multiple times, I tend to compartmentalize my feelings and try to move past them instead of feel them. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't give myself enough time to grieve or if I'm too in my head wondering about what could've been....Am I wrong for still being in love with my boyfriend who passed, I can't even call him my ex for gods sake. I love my boyfriend I'm with now but sometimes I feel bad that he didn't get to experience the girl I was before I lost all the people close to me & now I wonder if I'm doing more harm than good by staying with him knowing the love between the two may never compare...
I'm not who I used to be that much I know and I liked who I use to be before so much more, how do I fix this??
