I woke up in the middle of the night hearing the bungalow neighbor talking on his phone in Mandarin. The consistent sound of the AC weaves in the usual quietness of the nights on this little island. While trying to come back to sleep, I found myself becoming more and more wide awake, noticing the Gekko making his way on the leafy rooftop. I reached for my phone, went through all the notifications, watched a few new posts on Instagram, seen two or three messages in Messenger, skimmed a bunch of photos and stories, then sank into the night.
I then made way back to the blazing hot Summer in Gmünd last June and July. I was there as an exchange student when the countryside city slowly crawled from the snow-rainy days of Winter until Autumn quietly kicked in. I remember having the best part of my college life in the City, living in a dorm, walking to school in between the yellow fields, visiting places with lovely companies, drinking German and Belgium beer dancing on the university’s main hall, swimming under the summer rain in the nearby lake, watching stars lying on the old goal post on the next door football field, barefoot strolling up the hills back to dorm after a beer night downtown, singing my favourite indie songs on the streets, falling in love and falling out of love.
I miss the way the roads would carry me to the field of stars and shining full moon. I miss how I would stare into someone’s eyes and felt so much understanding. I miss the overnight talks with those people I first met and barely knew. I miss the books I read and had someone to share with. I miss the photos I took now being left somewhere in the boxes of memories, that I have decided to keep them stay a silent life away from my current steps. But they keep coming again from the back of my head, appearing so beautiful and touching, asking me to walk those roads again. Just this time in tears.
Those roads we drove together on your blue car, just the two of us through the scenic countryside of Germany, singing our way into the wind outside the rear windows. I remember how much we were into the hits at the time like nobody was watching our child-like souls dancing joyfully in love and happiness. I would then faint away in sleep and you would take picture of me, taking advantage of the situation and tease me afterwards.
These little pretty episodes of our sad story haunt me now and then. Mostly when I find myself watching the new moon raising above the horizon between the ocean and the sky. When I walk the strange roads saying Hi to the animals, living my new life-chapter, reminiscing about noting everything down so I could share with you afterwards. We have always been on the two sides of the globe, so much distance in between, even though we might share the same time zone like we do now. I found out that was the most bitter thing that happened to be real in our time together. That life had planned our story that way and we tried to crawl out of destiny but did not succeed.
Lately I found peace under the starlight sky, when nights do not feel as much silent. My heart embraces its loneliness in every beat of liveliness, seeking for the solitude I have been needing all along. My steps are small and cautious, walking through this lonely time holding tightly on my own heart of scars. Because it still keeps beating. And yearning for love. Some other day. Another beautiful one.
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