Incandescent Horror

Horror movie reviews done by yours truly. If you have any suggestions, feel free to send an ask or submission.

[incandescenthorror]

The Silence (2019)

2/10

Ok, I know I haven't posted in a very long time, but I had to come out of the shadows to rate this one

Now, maybe it's just because I've read the source material, written by Tim Lebbon, but this movie sucked. The pacing was garbage, leaving me incredibly disappointed. There was no build up, and the obstacles that the characters were put through were horribly rushed.

It was even more disappointing because I loved the book, and this movie didn't even remotely live up to it. I'd appreciate if Netflix would stop releasing such crappy movies.

Tldr; read the damn book by Tim Lebbon and don't watch this one

Ha, look I got so upset by this movie, I forgot to summarize it.

Explorers open up a cave and release tons of carnivorous, evolved bats - they eat everyone, the end.

Well, not really. We follow a family trying to survive, and everything happens really fast and it's just blegh.

Read the damn book.

[incandescenthorror]

Mercy - Netflix Original

Mercy - Where a group of selfish ass men makes a woman suffer for her money. 

There is more to it than that, but that’s the most straight to the point a person can get about the premise of this movie. 

 Overall, I did enjoy the movie. It starts off pretty slow, and I didn’t expect much because of it being a Netflix Original, but it actually turned out good. 

None of the characters were very likable, in that “why are they all such selfish, awful assholes?” kind of way. Despite being protagonists, none of them would necessarily be labeled as the “good guys” or the ones that you would root for surviving, which is good...considering. There are some minor violence and death bits, but it’s not gory at all. 

The characters include a mother, a father, and four men, two of each from different fathers. Dad’s an asshole, his two sons are assholes, the other two don’t seem quite as bad, but they’re still assholes. Mom is critically ill, unable to leave the bad, and suffering from whatever is killing her. All of the men are hoping she’ll die faster because mom is expected to leave behind a hefty sum of cash that all the boys are dreaming of. Hence - they’re all assholes. 

But there is a moral. Don’t make your god damned mom suffer till she dies just so you can nab the inheritance because someone will kill you. And you’ll deserve it. 

5/5

[lunaeregia]

why are horror movies these days so whack and unoriginal

bitch do your job!! scare me!! ugly white people being tormented for 2 hours w/ a blue ig filter and bad lighting is not!!!!! horror!!!

[film-bones]

when its 4:17 AM, you’re still in the basement, and things are about to get interesting:

[incandescenthorror]

The Windmill 2/5

Josh picked this one while going through Netflix. I had said “no that’s probably gonna be awful”, they responded by going back through Netflix a bit and coming right back to this movie. “Fuck it, the bad guy kinda looks like Freddy Kruger,” Josh says.

Ok.

This movie.

Ok, so a windmill in Holland turns out to be the gateway to Hell.

Fine, ok, that’s neat. A group of people on a tour through Holland, visiting all the neat-O windmills finds themselves stuck in the middle of nowhere, the only thing around being an old, decrepit windmill that isn’t labeled on a map. 

The characters are very standard, most of them don’t have any redeemable/remarkable qualities that make you want to hope that they live. The only one that seems to know what’s going on is Takashi, who was a huge “Asian Mysticism” trope. Most of the others are just very lackluster. They each have their own background that led to them being where they ended up, but mostly I cheered for the bad guy to finish them off faster so the movie would end more quickly.

The bad guy, old Miller Hendrick, who is the Gatekeeper of Hell, is pretty standard as far as slasher bad guys go, though the costuming and his mask were pretty neat. 

There’s a good bit of gore, especially the first death, which is incredibly graphic and involves a face being smashed under a boot. Might be fun for some people, though personally, I can live without watching eyeballs pop. This movie definitely suffered from “our team has no idea how much blood is in the human body!”

From Josh “Did you know, 120% of the human body is made of red paint?”

Also near the end, one of the characters picks up this prop, that I assume was supposed to be a femur, but it was obviously rubber and made it hard to take seriously.   

2/5 probably will never rewatch willingly.

[incandescentcataclysm]

Josh and I watched some horror movie last night that kept using “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” as like “swooky suspensful part” music, but they used a cover band that had turned the Johnny Cash song into a heavier rock/metal-ish song, and it was done SO BADLY. They should have just used the Cash version in order to make it have a true effect on the audience. 

[incandescenthorror]

The name of the movie that this is from is Convergence. Which, other than the song issue, was a really good movie. I wasn’t a fan of the very religious tones the movie took, but it ended up working out in a good way. 

[incandescenthorror]

The Rezort - 5/5

So, The Rezort, directed by Steve Barker. After the “zombie apocalypse” a resort is opened up on an island where you can pay an enormous amount of money to kill zombies. It’s used for fun, and for “healing”. Some doctors felt it would help some of the people that were around for the outbreak to go kill some zombies in a controlled environment, though I don’t quite see that logic.

“Every apocalypse deserves an after party!”  

I liked this one a lot. The casting was pretty good and the script wasn’t awful, and the zombies, though very average, were definitely not the worst that I've seen! 

This is literally Jurassic Park, but with Zombies, and it’s a lot worse than what happens in Jurassic Park tbh. 

I’m not sure why 16-year-olds were allowed on the Rezort? But that happened.

The gore isn’t too bad, mostly just blood splatter and the like, though there are some torn up bodies in a few parts. 

The ending, definitely not 100% expected.

5/5

[incandescentcataclysm]

Josh and I watched some horror movie last night that kept using “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” as like “swooky suspensful part” music, but they used a cover band that had turned the Johnny Cash song into a heavier rock/metal-ish song, and it was done SO BADLY. They should have just used the Cash version in order to make it have a true effect on the audience.