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My ex got married this weekend.

It’s been a long, long time since we’ve broken up and so much time has passed, but there’s something about your ex getting married that makes you a little more introspective. I was looking through snaps and photos of the wedding and my goodness, it was so beautiful. I cried because they are so happy and have found someone that want to share their life with and knowing the both of them, I know they deserve each other and I know that what they have is so, so wonderful and beautiful. I am so happy for them.

I have also been crying a lot more than usual and although part of that is definitely due to being on my period, I think being hurt and seeing so much darkness makes you so much more sensitive when you see the beautiful moments in life because it’s these moments that make the hard times and ugly times so much more worth it.

One of my friends that I met in Thailand is now leaving Thailand after years of pouring out her life there and what a beautiful thing it was to witness all the people she has touched and loved on and brought to Jesus during her journey overseas.

I was laying in bed holding my little hedgehog, Kenny to my nose and face and despite feeling kind of silly, I cried a bit because I thought about how wonderful it is to have a companion to cuddle with or sleep next to. Not that I felt like I was missing anything or anyone or that I desperately felt lonely, but in my contentment, I could see and imagine how lovely it would be to sleep next to love at night. It also reminded me of how much I would love a dog lol.

After the breakup and all the stuff that I’d been going through, I went to SoCal to get away from the City for a few days and to visit two of my best friends. One of them is married and the other is engaged so when spending time with them, it also means spending time with their partner, and I don’t mind this at all. I had a really good time and it was so incredibly comforting to see them, talk to them, and spend time with them. It was a great trip.

When I was spending time with my engaged friend and her fiance they would talk about their future, their daily lives, their retirement, their careers, and things like that. It was interesting and made me wonder if this is what it looks like to be in a relationship or to be married. I know that all marriages and relationships are different but it made me realize how much I do not want to be married right now lol. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to be one day..but just not now. I asked them if they would consider moving out of where they are right now and I guess I meant to ask if they would be willing to move someplace that is significantly further away from them like Northern California or even to another state. They said sure, and proceeded to tell me about some place that was just outside of their current residence. Perhaps I should have clarified, but it made me think of the kind of relationship I would want in the future. I’m not saying this to bad mouth my friends at all, but they really made me think about all these other things and consider more deeply what I’d want.

I hope that when I get into a relationship, it would not just be about us but about making a difference for Jesus and in other peoples’ lives. I hope that it would be about bringing the Kingdom of God down to Earth. It’s great to celebrate each other and to have time to ourselves, but I hope that’s not all that our relationship is based upon. I only say this because in my past experience, it was so easy to get caught up in celebrating “us” and just being together that we would forget about spending time with God, spending time with others, and important Christ-centered things. I want to be crazy for Jesus and I want people to call us radical or even crazy because of how much we love Jesus and how much we trust Him. I hope that being together would only make us a stronger force for God than we would be if we were alone.

I also feel like I have so much to grow in and to work on before I commit myself to someone. So many times in the past, I’ve been in relationships where I felt like my faults have caused the other person to hurt or stumble and as much as that is discouraging to know that I sin, it is so much heavier knowing that you are hurting or bringing down the person that you love. I’ve always had issues with self control, particularly in the physical/sexual and I would think that it’s the man’s job to lead me so I wouldn’t stumble or that I would need to get with someone with more self control in order for me to have a successful relationship because I had very little of it. I’ve come to realize that I should be working on this every single day and that it is my responsibility to foster self control too. It’s not just a responsibility that I can just throw onto my future partner. Of course, I hope that we will uplift and spur each other on but I can’t expect him to complete me in the areas where I lack. I want to be the best I can for whoever it is that I have the honor of loving.

I was telling a friend at church about something pretty serious and I was talking about the things that I don't like about my job...I feel like I scared him away or something cause he didn't say hi to me at all this Sunday O.O

#am I being paranoid?

Lord,

I think it's time that I come face to face with my past. I've always been quite ashamed of my mistakes and maybe a bit afraid of how it would affect how others view me if they knew all these things about me. I know I don't have to go shouting it to the tops of the mountains, but I think it's time to move towards honesty and transparency with these things. I don't want them to hold me back anymore. My past, my mistakes, nor do my struggles define who I am. I don't know what this will look like or what step to take next, but I pray that You will show me. I'm ready to challenge myself and grow. I'm ready to let go of my past and my shame.

#going forward

I'm not being a hater, and I hope I'm not saying this out of bitterness, but it's definitely weird to see your ex do certain things with someone new. It's good to know that people can move on and old things can be made anew once more, but it's still weird for me. I guess it still hasn't fully sunken in quite yet.

It's strange to see your ex wearing the tie that you got together out to a date with his new girl. It's strange to see your ex going on a date that he and you talked about going on in the future together. I guess it just speaks to the idea that we are shaped and molded by all the experiences that we have, good and bad. You carry little piece of everything you've been through, such as relationships, hurts, joys, and everything in between. Even though I would like to suppress everything of my ex, I know that I carry parts of our experience together and it's made me who I am today. Sounds cliche and cheesy, but it's true.

#thoughts of the night

Just You. Only You.

It feels as though I am always in this constant battle of declaring that I am worthy and feeling that I am unworthy. I have noticed this more because of my “crush” at the moment. I tend to think about how great he is. How he has never had a girlfriend, how he has a great job, how he is super into health and fitness, and the list goes on. Then I compare it to me…and I am disappointed because I don’t match up; I have had a number of failed relationships, i don’t have dat fit boday, I don’t have a job, etc. I want to be pursued because as a girl, I feel like I deserve to be, but on the other hand, I wonder who’s going to want to be with me after all of my mistakes and shortcomings. Why would a guy like him want to be with a girl like me? Oh, the battle of confidence and worth vs. doubt and insecurities rages on.

#I am worthy because God has made me so #why is that so hard to accept?#honesty hour

I have been going through so many changes this summer. It's insane. I never expected my summer to be this way, but here I am; in Laos with my family whom I never met until 3 days ago. There's so much to say and so much to process, but let me get this thing off of my chest. I have mentioned millions and gazillions of times of how much I hate crushes, and that hasn't changed. Maybe I just really want to be with someone right now, or maybe it's because I desperately want to move on, but I feel like every crush I have is the death of me. I have been crushing hardcore on this guy, and I hate it!!! OMG whyyy? He's so cute, so fit, so smart, so handsome, so Godly, and....I need to stop. Seriously. I know there's nothing wrong with crushing, but I really want to be focused on God only. I don't want to see anyone else, besides Jesus. I wish he never added me on FB, cause everytime I see his face on my newsfeed, I literally die inside. Jesus take the wheel!

I have been putting off my responsibilities as a team leader for quite sometime now because it seems pretty overwhelming. I just don't feel like being a big girl, putting on a smile and being the example for my team. I feel so tired and so....wreck-less right now. How am I to be the leader in the midst of all of this? I just want to stay in bed for days and sleep.

God, I can't do this without you. I just can't. There's no way. I need You. I may not feel like leading, but you have called me and I will do it. Please be my guide, my strength, my everything.

Me: *getting ready for bed*

Chelle: I think I'm going to watch Abduction of Eden...

Me: OMGGGGG. MICHELLE!!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! I WANT TO WATCH IT TOO BUT I'M SO TIRED!! T.T

Chelle: *hands me a mug with wine in it*

#on contract so i don't wanna post this on my other tumblr #too riskay

oh nooo...

Confessions:

Crushes suck...the life outta you. I hate this feeling. @.@

Tumblr makes me kinda depressed.

I really, really feel loved when people give me their time and it gets tiring being the one to always initiate.

I tend to compare my spiritual walk to others and it makes me feel inadequate.

halp.

what is wrong with me? I can be having such a good day and not think about anything bad, sad, or horrible. But then when the thought of you comes to mind, I automatically get so sad. I don't know how to stop this reaction. How do I change this?

#Lawd #help me

Here's some things I'm learning:

With every high, there's a low, and vice versa, so have hope! Even when there is sorrow, it always ends. Morning always comes and eventually, so does joy, relief, and peace. I'm still learning this and I still get caught up in the sadness too, but we'll get there.

How to be content with everything I have. I don't need more stuff. I don't need things. I don't need attention from anyone.

Investing in relationships and people is so much more worth it than spending money on "things". It is so much more fulfilling.

The possibilities are endless! I can do anything I want (almost)! I have a sense of freedom in graduating and a bit of optimism too! I could go overseas, join the Peace Corp., move to SF, go to school to get my dietitian/nutrition degree or licensing, or whatever the heck I want! It's so great! I just have to decide.....which is the worst for me because I'm so freakin indecisive....aaand that brings me to my next point lol

God's showing me how hard it is to lead! And how much I need to lean on him. I'm so indecisive, but he's putting things in my path to help me practice my decision making. I hate it lol, but here I am. He's also teaching me how to love even when I feel too tired to do so, to let others help me, and to be stop being sorry for every little thing. I enjoy being apart of my team, but there are so many things about leadership that don't come naturally to me, so I have no choice but to ask for grace and humbly lean on God through all of this.

There's no telling how long healing takes, but it's a process.

#reflecting

I needs me a vent sesh, and some sleep. some real food would be nice too. can't wait until friday night when I can finally relax a little bit and sleeeep.

omg. WHAT IS THIS PAIN CALLED PERIOD. IT SHOULD BE CALLED THE SLOW AND EXCRUCIATING DEATH AND STRIPPING OF THE UTERUS LINING. omg I want chocolate. just give me truck loads of chocolate T.T everything makes me want to cryyyy.

I think as I get older, my cramps and pains get worse and worse....why?! Is my body getting angry at me because I'm not poppin out babies?!! OH THE TORTURE!

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