Incorrect Kill Count Quotes

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[incorrect-killcount]

Jack: Hey, remember that time you dared me to lick the swing set?

Avery: No, I said "Jack, don't lick the swing set," and you said "Don't tell me what to do, Avery." And then you licked the swing set.

[incorrect-killcount]

PAM: What if instead of "seven minutes in heaven" there was a "seven minutes in hell" and what you do is you put two people in a closet together for seven minutes and they have to beat the absolute shit out of each other

[incorrect-killcount]

AVERY: WHY AREN’T THE DISHES IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER?!

JACK: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

[incorrect-killcount]

JACK: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous; if it bites you and you die, it’s venomous.

XAVIER: What if it bites me and it dies?

AVERY: That means you’re poisonous. Jesus Christ, Xavier, learn to listen.

ELLA: What if it bites itself and I die?

JACK: It’s voodoo.

AVERY: What if it bites me and someone else dies?

JACK: That’s correlation, not causation.

XAVIER: What if we bite each other and neither of us die?

YUNLIAN: That’s kinky.

JACK: Oh my god.

[incorrect-killcount]

JACK: This is probably the second weirdest way I’ve almost died.

AVERY: What was the first?

JACK: It’s very complicated but, long story short, my family is banned from every Olive Garden in the state.

[incorrect-killcount]

DAMIEN: My reasons for doing things: 1. Spite. 2. The Aesthetic. That’s it.

DAMIEN: …

DAMIEN: Okay, I lied. 3. Attention.

[incorrect-killcount]

HARRISON: I’m going to Taco Bell, want anything?

JACK: I want my childhood back.

HARRISON: Yeah I got like, $12.

[incorrect-killcount]

AVERY: Xavier told me that instead of being sad, i should "go get it, girl". so i'm going to go get it, girl.

JACK: get what?

AVERY: unclear. i'll get everything, just to be safe.

[incorrect-killcount]

JACK: i'm a good liar

XAVIER: did someone see-

JACK: yes, it was me, i did it and i'm a horrible person, a monster, for trying to hide it from you

[incorrect-killcount]

XAVIER: I haven’t gotten an F since I failed recess in second grade. “Teachers need a break too, Xavier.”

[incorrect-killcount]

JACK: I have to be responsible for my own happiness? I can’t even be responsible for my own breakfast!

[incorrect-killcount]

PAM: don’t go to the living room

MARISSA: why

PAM: i saw a spider

MARISSA: did you kill it?

PAM: i have two arms and it has eight it’s not fair

[incorrect-killcount]

JACK: Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.

AVERY: Please never become a surgeon…

[incorrect-killcount]

JACK: [hand hanging off the bed]

RANDOM DEMON: [grabs it]

JACK: So what are we…

[incorrect-killcount]

JACK: [having a moment with Xavier] So, just know no matter Wh-

YUNLIAN: [opens a soda]

JACK: What the fuck is that?

YUNLIAN: I’m thirsty…!

JACK: WERE HAVING A MOMENT!

YUNLIAN: I’m having a cola!

[incorrect-killcount]

XAVIER: If I run and leap at Avery, he will most certainly catch me in his arms.

XAVIER: [bolting towards Avery] COMING IN!

AVERY: XAVIER, NO, IM HOLDING COFFEE-

[Xavier leaps and Avery drops the coffee, catching him. And groaning in annoyance.]

[incorrect-killcount]

XAVIER: That’s Jack. He’s always trying to prove that he’s tough.

XAVIER: [watching as Jack pours a few drops of hot sauce on his sandwich] Careful, that stuffs pretty hot.

JACK: Oh, is it? Hmm? [Jack pours the entire bottle onto the sandwich]