Myths? Yes, but also, No

Previously NicoDiAngelo Suggestion. Now I shamelessly mock the logic of various mythological entites and legends, mostly of Greek and Norse origin. Accuracy not assured. MCGA + PJO content also here. Submissions welcome. 

[what-even-is-thiss]

Since Apollo is the god of medicine my personal headcanon about him is that he knows about bacteria but nobody believes him when he tells them about it and the people in Greek mythology that are supposedly great healers like Chiron and Aesculapius just listened to him and washed their hands.

[what-even-is-thiss]

Chiron: And remember to wash your hands and arms thoroughly as well as the patient's skin before you make the cut.

Achilles: Why though

Chiron: Would you believe me if I told you that there are small beasts all over your skin that are too small to see that will eat you from the inside out if you allow them to get inside of your blood?

Achilles: Probably not.

Chiron: Then do it because I said so.

[what-even-is-thiss]

Patroclus: Why are you putting honey on that guy’s wounds?

Achilles, not remembering that other people haven’t been trained by guys who were raised by Apollo: To stop the small beasts from eating his blood.

Patroclus: What

[what-even-is-thiss]

No he just gets confused with Asclepius sometimes because their staffs look similar.

If anything Hermes probably teases Apollo about his tiny beasts theory and never makes the connection about how his stomach hurts every time he drinks from this one river downstream from a major city while Apollo facepalms in the background

[what-even-is-thiss]

Aphrodite: And you’re saying they reproduce without sex?

Apollo: Yes.

Aphrodite: Well that’s just ridiculous. There’s no way.

Apollo: If I tell you how to get rid of them you’ll probably have acne less often.

Aphrodite: …

Aphrodite: I’m listening…

[what-even-is-thiss]

After every major discovery involving bacteria in the 16th through 20th centuries he went storming through Olympus screaming about how he told you. He told all of you and you didn’t listen while you were all drinking poop water well he was right he was right the whole time you idiots suck on that why don’t you the humans finally figured out antibiotics bitches suck an egg and get salmonella just like you used to you idiots

[what-even-is-thiss]

That’s so funny because he’s also a god of knowledge and prophecy. He’s just so pretty and horny that everyone underestimates him I guess. Dude knows a lot of things and is very good at poetry and medicine.

[ctimemes]

Penelope: I had the weirdest dream last night. An eagle swooped down from the heavens and killed 20 geese.

Odysseus, disguised as a beggar: Well, fair queen, clearly this means that your husband is coming home and will kill your suitors.

Penelope: If only there was a way to tell the eagle to hurry the fuck up.

Odysseus:

Penelope: *dumps a bunch of weapons at Odysseus’s feet*

Penelope: Clumsy me

[quackysprouts]

never forget that odysseus had a daily cry on calypso’s beach for the entire 7 years he was there

[olympest]

Hades: Can’t wait until Persephone is my wife so I can say “I love my wife” and introduce her to people by saying “I’d like you to meet my wife” and get out of boring social events by saying “I have to go home to my wife” and talk about her to anyone who will listen because she’s my wife and I adore her.

[stingrayextraordinaire]

Hades: There is a strict “no pets” rule on Olympus, unfortunately.

Hades: That does not include Zeus’ high horse, which makes regular appearances.

[theodysseyofhomer]

paintings of ulysses and the sirens rated by how securely he is tied to the mast

[theodysseyofhomer]

Ulysses and the Sirens by John William Waterhouse

looks reasonably secure, he’s probably not going anywhere. waterhouse always comes through. 10/10

Ulysses and the Sirens by Herbert James Draper

you’ve allowed too much freedom of movement for his sexy arms!!! he’s aboutta BUST through the ropes and join the choir invisible!!! but i do love the crewmate to the left with the king-wrangling job. i bet that’s eurylochus. 6/10

Odysseus and the Sirens by Alexander Bruckmann

they’re pretending to ask for advice on building wooden horses, and when he jumps overboard to mansplain, that little wristlet is not gonna stop him. 0/10

Ulysses and Sirens by Pablo Picasso

this ulysses is forever trapped in flatland. he will not jump overboard. he knows there is no true escape with the sirens, not really. 7/10

Ulysses and the Sirens by Léon Belly

in 3 minutes this mans is going to be dragging behind the boat like a jet ski. 1/10, there must have been a thought process at least

Odysseus and the sirens (stamnos, British museum)

rope to naked flesh ratio is so funny here but you can’t listen to the forbidden song of the sirens if you ain’t cute <3 9/10

The Sirens and Ulysses by William Etty

i’m sorry, i hate this. what?

fish women want him for his thick ass. only ropes around here are the ones he pulls in the gym. 0/10

Ulysses and the Sirens by Marie-François Firmin-Girard

finally…. a socially distanced ulysses. you did it boys. can’t sink this bad boy. 100/10

[cryptotheism]

Every once in a while a trans friend group will have a token cis straight guy. Those dudes are almost always extremely cool, compassionate people who have something profoundly wrong with them.

[cryptotheism]

Y'all the point of this is that sometimes queer people can hang out with a cool straight cis dude who is weird. He's not some secret gay or crypto-bigot. Sometimes dudes are just funny.

[necromancelena]

autistic transfem arachne with the pronouns it/she because she's an it/she bitsy spider.

[failfemme]

uh oh this pronunciation of polycules is gonna stick in my head for a long while

[mymoodisno-deactivated20220904]

Historians, about the relationship of Achilles and Patroclus: They were just good friends! Good bros! Nothing really gay about it!

Achilles: "My Patroclus"

Achilles: *sleeps with Patroclus*

Achilles: *the person he is closest to is Patroclus*

Achilles when his bedwife gets taken: *merely refuses to fight* Achilles when Patroclus is killed: *goes on a slaughter spree*

Achilles, when he finds out about Patroclus' death: *screams so loud he can be heard from the underworld*

Achilles: *demands his ashes be mingled with Patroclus'*

Achilles: *kills a fucking river/ defeats a river god when said god is trying to stop him from murdering Patroclus' killer*

Achilles: *murders Patroclus' killer knowing full well it will result in his death, although he wanted to live in glory*

Achilles: *drags Patroclus' killer around the city of Troy, in the dirt, three times, dishonouring him although he partly admired Hector before Patroclus' murder*

Achilles: *refuses to have Hector buried/sent for burial*

Achilles: *has to have Priam come to him and beg for his son's body for him to return Hector for burial*

Achilles: *prowls the battlefield, wanting death, so that he can be reunited with Patroclus*

Achilles: *smiles when he dies because he's going to be reunited with Patroclus*

[alibonbonn]

Medic in training with the centaur of disease control 🩹

[alibonbonn]

Do you think Thetis ever come on land to see her boys making sand mermaid?

[alessiajontrunfio]

“A scream comes, tearing its way out. And then another, and another.”

[yumafuki]

“He is half of my soul, as the poets say.”

[dererumvita-art]

A short story about Persephone’s myth that I wrote this summer.

[romans-art]

couldn’t not draw this

[mr-walkingrainbow]

Commen misconcaption. Aphrodite and Ares are not siblings. Did y’all mean Athena? Athena and Ares are not only siblings, but extremely competitive. The trojan war was literally a war between Athena and Ares.

also. Aphrodite and Ares were lovers? Don’t know where this sibling thing came from. Aphrodite is the daughter of Kronos. Arès is son of Zeus.

sorry fir the mini rant

[romans-art]

idk what to tell u. They’re siblings. Xena said so. Sorry that Greek mythology is wrong 😔

[fandomsandfeminism]

It depends on which source you look at. Hesoid names her as the daughter of Uranus, rising from the sea foam. (This is the version most popular with later artists.) Homer, the Homeric Hymns (author unknown), and Euripedes name her as a daughter of Zeus and Dione, however. Including in the Iliad.

🤷‍♀️ That’s kind of the thing with Greek myth- it’s not a cohesive Canon. Different writers at different time periods in different parts of Greece recorded different oral traditions.

And yes, they were also lovers. *gestures to Zues and Hera.*

[clover1982-deactivated20230408]

@dovewithscales

[dovewithscales]

Yep! Today a lot of people balk at how common romantic/sexual relationships are between close relatives among the gods, but it’s a thing. That wasn’t always taboo. Not until people understood incest, and even then, it stayed common in the upper class for a very long time after everybody knew it was a problem. Hence the fact that half the European royalty has hemophilia.

More importantly it’s unavoidable in extremely small populations. When Gaea and Uranos became lovers, there were only like a dozen people, depending on your source, and they were all siblings, children of Kaos. When Kronos and Rhea married, their only options were siblings and cousins. And aunts/uncles and parents.

But also, incest only matters if you have DNA. It’s not a thing for immortals. Which is good cause we’re still all like second and third cousins.

Modern Christian theological discussion and education of laypeople really likes to gloss over the fact that Cain and Abel married their sisters, but that’s also a thing.

[nemfrog]

Arachne’s web. Nature myths and stories for little children. 1895.