Courtney: So I call my doctor, and was like “Can I please see you?”
Courtney: and she was like, “Yes! 10am Tomorrow!”
Courtney: So I came in, 10am the next day, and was like, “May I please see my doctor now?”
Courtney: and the receptionist was like, “No! You’re not on the schedule!”
Courtney: So I forced her to argue with me for like 10 minutes, cause I was like, “I called yesterday, we’re family friends, she loves me, my doctor, and she said to come in. Please let me go see her.”
Courtney: and she just kept on saying “No!” and I was like “Ma’am!”
Courtney: “I’m tired! I haven’t slept in 3 days! I’ve been lightheaded for 48 hours and I’m being ghosted by a girl I thought was hot! Please let me see her!!”
Courtney: so she let me see her, and I got to see my doctor! :)
Joven: I was murdered, I was called the fuck out! Plot twist, so apparently, you’re supposed to say- “It was this many months ago, It was this many years ago!”
Joven: And not, “It was three boyfriends ago” which is something I keep doing for some reason, eh!
Monica: *snaps a “Sounds Gay I’m In” fan* Happy pride month children! I said this when I blew up, and I’m gonna say it again! No matter what your sexual orientation, identity or gender is- You are loved and accepted on my account! So go out there, be gay, do crime in the month of June! Whee!!
Shayne: So, everyone knows how to unroll all their windows with a clicker, but another feature in a car- iS A FUCKING GAS PEDAL!!! MOOOOVE!!!!!!
(Source: danielbochkov *mainly for the voice*)
@MattRaub: So, what do we say when life gets hard?
Damien: I guess you gotta chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and move on!
@MattRaub: noooo *facepalm*
Joven: People really be out here, speaking like 3 languages fluently. I was BORN as a native English speaker, and I still can’t speak English. Today, I forgot the word for Tomato. I just looked at it on the counter and said “tHAT THING!”
Lasercorn: aND Now It’s time for Hot Tea🍵, A segment where we tell it like it is! Let’s talk to all the gay-bashing Chads out there. I’m talking to the people who like to troll people’s comments or call anybody “gay” that they feel threatened by.
Lasercorn: Because apparently, the idea of being homosexual is absolutely hilarious to you guys, let’s talk.
Lasercorn: You have absoluely zero room to talk because you’ve been gay for at least a third of your lives! Or have you already forgotten the days of Elementary school? Let me refresh your memory. “Hey son, any girls at school you think are cute?”
Lasercorn *in a higher pitched voice*: “Ew Dad, girls are gross! I just wanna hang with BOIS!”
Lasercorn *back to normal voice*: Now if you ask me, that’s pretty gay bud. Or how about this obsession with drawing dicks on everything, huh? In mind, that some of them are in some pretty vivid detail! How many dicks have you been looking at Chad?! Also, as a strong Ally of the LGBTQ community, I can personally tell you that these people can roast you under a bus in five seconds for, i dunno, your shitty taste in women, or your lack of fashion sense, I’m talking to you, Socks-With-Sandals! But you know what? They won’t! Because they’re not assholes like you. So how about all you Chads do the world a favor and love thy neighbor. Because we’re all stuck here in the same living space. We might as well get used to being in each other’s company. Thanks for coming to my ChadTalk.
Tommy: Y’know, I’ve been thinking. What if my preferred pronouns, instead of he, she, they, it’s just bitch.
Shayne: Hey man, what should I do with my plate?
Damien *in another room*: Just put it in the sink!
Shayne: *throws plate at the sink, shattering it*
Damien *still in another room*: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!!
Tommy: So, I have a million dollar idea! If you are over the age of 50, and comment on the fact that I’m wearing a crop top, or nail polish- Mind your own damn business Cameron! I will fuck your son!
Olivia: I just wanna know where the Country accent came from, because it’s American to my knowledge. And in the beginning of America we were a bunch of ethnicities piled up together tryna talk English. But how the fuck did we get from “Oi bruv!” to “hOWDY PARTNER!”
Ian *In a turtle onesie*: I mean like everyone’s like, “2019! Save the Turtles! Save the Turtles!” But like, all of us?? I dunno, we’re all not great people. My second brother, Robert? Piece of shit. I’d take a goddamn McFlurry straw and just, *pop* right through the nostrils. I don’t give a shit about him.
Ian: And I mean, you think this shit is any fucking better? I mean my straw has literal whiskey dick, like what am I supposed to do with this?? This looks like an alcoholic elephant that just found out his father passed away.
Ian: Oh, just because I’m a turtle, I’m not allowed to get choked? What? I can’t have a little bit of fun? In my own fucking house?! How big of bitches do you think we are? My wife just laid 200 eggs. 200!! You think a little fuckin plastic straw from Wendy’s is gonna take her out?!
Ian: Oh! Fucking trust me, I’ve tried.
Ian: They have these new metal straws? Do you guys not know what the fuck RUST is? Now I gotta get a Tetanus shot! Oh yeah! Cause those guys are fucking permamente in the fucking Pacific?! Do you know how hard it is, for a turtle, to get a Tetanus shot?! Motherfucker, you gotta have insurance, bro! The only insurance I got is this piece of shit shell, that I’ve had for 18o years!
Keith: If a friend sends you this, just follow my lead!
Keith: We’re gonna write out a one, then write out a three!
Keith: Invert an exclaim, then a T at the end, round off with a -CH, and that’s what you mean!
Keith: You’re a bitch! You’re a bitch!
Joven: How woke do you have to be to be sponsored by Water bro…
Sohinki: This video is sponsored by the ocean
Lasercorn: That’s so stupid.
Lasercorn *in a weird voice*: Yo this video is sponsored by Fire.
Lasercorn: You ever, you ever be like cold and shi? Try FIRE!
Flitz: You tryna light your blunt but you left your lighter, in the car??
Lasercorn and Flitz together: tRY FIRE
Sohinki *laughing*: tRy fIrE!!
Wes: Is this when like cavemen are YouTubers. You can only be sponsored by Fire and Water?
Wes: Use Code: OOh for your next 15% off
Mari *after getting injured again*: Can someone please take me to the hospital?? If you need to kow, my blood type is, red. *faints*
(Audio Source: truespiderman)
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