Things Absolutely Said on Syfy's Alice

[incorrectalice]

Ten: I’ve been meaning to ask you something.

March: Go on.

March: Only if I concentrate very hard.

Ten: Can you read my mi-

Ten: What the fuck?

[incorrectalice]

hey are you okay? it's only because i havent seen you in a while

Hey! I’m okay, I’ve just gone back to work and I work, like, 50 hour weeks at the moment, so I haven’t had a lot of time to be around and unfortunately other projects have taken priority over this blog.

[incorrectalice]

Hatter: I have a plan.

Alice: Is it a good plan?

Hatter: ...

Alice: ...

Hatter: I have a plan.

Alice: Yep, we’re dead.

[incorrectalice]

Hatter: Oh God, this is a terrible plan! Why did no one stop me?

Alice: Because you didn’t tell us!

Hatter: Because then you would have stopped me!

[incorrectalice]

Jack: Mother, I know all about your diabolical plan.

Queen: What diabolical plan?

Jack: [holds up a document that says “My Diabolical Plan by Queen Mary”]

[incorrectalice]

Jack: What are you doing?

Duchess: Offering moral support.

Jack: You have morals?

Duchess: No, but I support those who do.

[incorrectalice]

Hatter: How did I break my wrist? wrong answers only.

Duchess: Smacking the juicy metal ass of that statue of Jack in the garden so hard it shattered?

Hatter: I said wrong answers only.

[incorrectalice]

Hatter: Honestly, the concept of doppelgängers is scary, but if I saw myself I probably wouldn't be that terrified. Like, I know he can't run for more than three minutes straight. I know he hasn't slept properly in several months. He's not going to do anything. He doesn't even know what day it is.

[incorrectalice]

Hatter: Okay, lets review the plan. If I'm killed, what do you do?

Alice: Avenge you!

Hatter: Thank you, but no.

[incorrectalice]

Hatter: Bi means two, so whenever you encounter a bisexual, there is a smaller, sneakier bisexual hiding nearby, waiting.

Alice: A nearbi if you will.

Both: [High five]

[incorrectalice]

Hatter: There is nothing to worry about. Look, it says right here, he is doing phenomenal :)

Alice: ...

Alice: Hatter, that says he’s got pneumonia.

[incorrectalice]

Duchess: This is a disaster! The printer messed up the invitation. It’s supposed to say Hatter's Birthday!

Alice: What does it say instead?

Duchess: Hatter's Bi.

Alice: That actually still works.

[incorrectalice]

Hatter: It is the middle of the night. I was asleep. You do not knock before entering a gentleman's room?

Jack: I beg your pardon, you are no gentleman, Hatter. You’re a scoundrel. Everyone knows that. Why would I knock before entering a scoundrel’s room?

Hatter: Because I have a gun and I will use it.

[incorrectalice]

Charlie: Sorry, I lost my cool for a second there.

Hatter: You can’t lose something you never had, Charlie.

[incorrectalice]

Alice: Please, be careful.

Hatter: You know me.

Alice: Yeah, exactly, that’s what I’m worried about.

[incorrectalice]

Owl: I keep getting caught when I pickpocket.

Hatter: Probably because you keep saying ‘yoink!’ whenever you do it.

[incorrectalice]

Alice: What’s this?

Duchess: It's my to-do list.

Alice: Oh? That’s so great, I’m so glad you’re starting to be more organiz-

Alice: This just says “Jack”...