stuff barbie definitely said

ngl this is mostly glorbie | icon by soyeonzs

[incorrectbarbie]

Barbie: Hello, 911? Yes, hi. I accidentally stepped on my wife’s toes and I need to be arrested.

911 operator: Miss Handler, we’ve talked about this.

[incorrectbarbie]

Sasha: Look, I might not have been a saint, but it’s not like I killed anybody. I wasn’t an arsonist. I never found a wallet outside of Denny’s and thought about returning it, but saw the owner lived out of town, so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.

Barbie: Okay, that’s really specific and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.

[incorrectbarbie]

Barbie: Ugh, the meeting was so boring.

Gloria: How would you know? You were asleep the whole time.

[incorrectbarbie]

Aaron, to Gloria: I just saw Barbie crying for five or six minutes and then her phone alarm went off and she just?? stopped crying?? and went right on back to work???

Barbie, shouting: It’s called time management.

[incorrectbarbie]

Barbie, to the family: The real secret to immortality? Not dying. You want to be immortal? Okay, that’s easy. Just don’t die. That’s it. Refuse to die. There you go.

Sasha: But how-

Barbie, ignoring her: “But how,” you may ask. Well, easy. Just don’t do it. Refuse to. Say “no, thanks.”

[incorrectbarbie]

Gloria: Stop staring at my boobs. I can’t concentrate.

Barbie: Well, how do you think I feel!?

Gloria: Fair enough.

[incorrectbarbie]

Gloria: I have a bad feeling about this…

Barbie: What do you mean?

Gloria: Don't you ever get that little voice in your head that tells you if you're going to get into trouble?

Barbie: No?

Gloria: That actually explains so much.

[incorrectbarbie]

Gloria: Why are you on fire?! 

Barbie: This is just how my day is going.

[incorrectbarbie]

Sasha: How much money do you have?

Barbie: Sixty nine cents.

Sasha, smirking: Oh, you know what that means?

Barbie: That I don't have enough money for chicken nuggets.

[incorrectbarbie]

Sasha: Is Barbie your real name?

Barbie: Is any name real, 'Sasha'?

[incorrectbarbie]

Sasha: I'm not asking this to be rude, but do you have mental illness?

Barbie: When I checked my Spotify stats yesterday, my most listened to track for this year was the Angry Birds theme song. Hope this answers your question.

[incorrectbarbie]

Sasha: I’m volunteering at the animal hospital.

Barbie: Animal hospital?!

Sasha: The animals are the patients.

Barbie, with immeasurable disappointment: That makes sense…

[incorrectbarbie]

[deciding how to take back Barbieland]

Sasha: If this plan goes down the drain, where should we regroup?

Barbie: The afterlife, I guess.

[incorrectbarbie]

Gloria, on the phone with Barbie: Did you preheat the oven like I asked you to?

Barbie: You bet!

Gloria: At what temperature?

Barbie: 535.

Gloria: That's the clock.

Barbie:

Gloria:

Barbie: 536.

[incorrectbarbie]

Sasha, on the phone with emergency services: Hi, I accidentally locked my step-mom in our car and people are judging us. 

Gloria, running towards the car with a trash can: I’M BREAKING THE WINDOW!!!

[incorrectbarbie]

Barbie: Sometimes Gloria will ask me, 'What do you think you're doing?!' but that just means stop. She didn't actually want to know my thought process.

[incorrectbarbie]

Barbie: We're never getting out of here.

Gloria: Barbie, come on. Do you have any idea how many times I've had to get out of handcuffs?

Barbie: Whew! Well, thank God you've been arrested so many times.

Gloria: Arrested?