Incorrect BC Chinese History Quotes @incorrectbcchina - Tumblr Blog

Happy June.

#incorrectbcchina #incorrect qin dynasty #ying zheng #li si

Sima Qian: I keep a protrait of His Majesty in my drawer. Whenever I face difficulties, I take it out and stare at the picture.

Sima Qian: And I tell myself: "If I survived this asshole, then I can survive anything."

#incorrectbcchina #incorrect han dynasty #liu che #Sima qian #I love liu che I swear

Liu Ju: Mother, I've found out that Father's ears tends to flush when he lies!

Wei Zifu: What do you mean?

Liu Ju: Look at this.

Liu Ju: Your Majesty! Do you still love me?

Liu Che, covering his ears: Yes, but of course. What a silly question.

Wei Zifu: ...

#incorrectbcchina #incorrect han dynasty #liu ju #liu che #wei zifu #they're so dysfunctional god help them

Assassin: I'm going to kill you!

Huhai, pulling out a scroll: Wait hold on I have to ask Chancellor Zhao first.

Assassin: ...That's not how this works?

Huhai: He said no. Sorry!

Assassin: What?

#incorrectbcchina #incorrect qin dynasty #ying huhai #zhao gao #don't worry zhao gao won't be saying no soon. give him a couple years #could also replace assassin with the meng siblings really

Pang Juan: He stole from me first!!!!

Su Qin: Mmm.

Pang Juan: Stole my heart and our teacher's love...

Zhang Yi: I'm still pretty sure that's not a valid reason to cut his feet off.

#incorrectbcchina #incorrect warring states #incorrect zhanguo #pang juan #su qin #zhang yi #sun bin #guiguzi 4 disciples (an idol group)#hear me out pang juan really is yandere for sun bin #any normal person would've just killed sun bin instead. easy #but nooo he's like imma keep sun bin alive and feetless #wtf man

Sun Wu: This is bothering me.

Ji Guang: Well, to be fair, Wu Zixu did dig up a corpse. And is brutally whipping it.

Sun Wu: What, no, that's pretty normal actually. I meant, doesn't he get tired? We're at 200 lashes and counting.

Ji Guang: Oh, that. You're right, where does he get that stamina from?

#incorrectbcchina #incorrect chunqiu #wu zixu #ji guang #sun wu #they're all a bunch of dumb simps for each other #supporting your bffs deranged insane coping methods #the world is sleeping on sun tzu rpf #king ping of chu: do i get no respect #incorrect spring and autumn

"What up, I'm Liu Bang, I'm 19, and I never fucking learned how to read." -Liu Bang, probably, sitting somewhere in Pei County

#incorrectbcchina #liu bang #incorrect han dynasty #incorrect chu-han contention #my thoughts after watching King's War 2012 #it's been sitting in my brain for 2 years I'm letting it free

[Mini Rant]

I do absolutely adore Jiang Xiaobai and Guan Zhong. They are, in my opinion, the most deranged of every monarch-chancellor pair, and every story of them is only funnier than the last. Because rather than a monarch and chancellor, it's much more just a very tired middle aged man and his unsocialized self-entitled bitchy cat-child.

*first meeting*

Guan Zhong: So you know I worked for your brother, your rival?

Xiaobai: Yeah

Guan Zhong: And that I shot you, like, yesterday, and only narrowly missed by accident?

Xiaobai: Yeah

Guan Zhong: ...So when do I die?

Xiaobai:

Xiaobai: ...Daddy <3

-----

Guan Zhong: Xiaobai please stop wearing purple you're literally bankrupting the country. Do you know how expensive purple is.

-----

Xiaobai: Daddy why did I go outside and meet a poor man whose sons have no wives :(

Guan Zhong: Because you have too many women in your palace. Please release them.

Also Guan Zhong: *Creates over 700 state run brothels*

----

Guan Zhong, on his deathbed, saying his last words: Xiaobai I literally don't care what the fuck you do but PLEASE stay away from the cannibal. He doesn't love you.

Xiaobai, as the unsocialized self-entitled cunty cat-child he is: Hm. Nah.

#jiang xiaobai #guan zhong #nonquote #incorrectbcchina talks

*If the warring states were personified*

Chu: Ah, Qin, my arch enemy.

Jin: ...I thought I was your arch enemy?

Chu: Things change, Jin. I have a life outside of you.

#incorrectbcchina #incorrectpersonifications #jin #chu #qin #sorry I'm doing this now #I think it's hilarious btw #Jin sir you are dead

Jiang Xiaobai: I’m kind of crushing on someone, but I’m worried about telling you who it is, because you’re not going to like it

Guan Zhong: Just rip the bandage off.

Jiang Xiaobai: It’s Yi Ya.

Guan Zhong: Please put the bandage back on.

#incorrectbcchina #incorrect chunqiu #incorrect spring and autumn #jiang xiaobai #guan zhong #yi ya #not exactly a shipper but I think it's hilarious #xiaobai: so daddy *twirls hair* u know yi ya #guan zhong: THE CANNIBALISM MAN????

Ying Zheng: So are we flirting right now?

Gao Jianli: I AM LITERALLY STABBING YOU.

Ying Zheng: That doesn’t answer my question.

#incorrectbcchina #incorrect qin dynasty #ying zheng #gao jianli #tfw your pretty pet personal music box tries to kill you

Han Xin: I know you feel betrayed-

Zhongli Mei: Yes. Well, that’s one of the unpleasant side effects of betrayal.

#incorrectbcchina #han xin #zhongli mei #really who just walks up and says hi bestie i might need you to die #incorrect han dynasty #incorrect chu-han contention

Li Si: You’re not my friend anymore.

Han Fei: We were friends?

#incorrectbcchina #li si #han fei #incorrect qin dynasty #okay now you may be wondering why it's not the other way #but my idea is that li si is much more obsessed with han fei than the other way around #I think li si is just a bit of a loser like that #and han fei is like oh yeah that guy we were classmates lol I nearly forgot about him

Wang Wan: How many children do you have?

Ying Zheng: Biologically, legally, or emotionally?

#incorrectbcchina #ying zheng #qin shi huang #wang wan #incorrect qin dynasty

Ying Si: I just saw a guy in the library cry for five or so minutes, and then an alarm went off and he just? Stopped crying? And went right back to work?

Ying Quliang: That was Wei Yang.

Wei Yang: It's called time management.

#incorrectbcchina #ying quliang #ying si #wei yang #shang yang #incorrect warring states #the legalist grind doesn't stop #incorrect zhanguo

Wei Qing: Bixia doesn’t look very pleased.

Huo Qubing: That’s his happy face. He’s just a bitch.

#incorrectbcchina #wei qing #huo qubing #liu che #incorrect han dynasty

*after year 636BC*

Zhao Shuai: Junshang—

Ji Chonger, staring into the distance: Jie Zitui used to call me Junshang too…

Zhao Shuai: That’s because it’s your fucking title

#incorrectbcchina #zhao shuai #ji chonger #jie zitui #incorrect chunqiu #incorrect spring and autumn

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