“that's fucked up...”

let's be honest—cowchop is a mess. a very, very amusing mess. here's what we believe the crew has said to each other at some point or another. 🐮🔪

[incorrectcowchop]

Aleks: on the phone with James

Aleks: “Hey, could you come pick me up from my rap battle? It’s over.”

Aleks: “No, I lost. He saw you and Brett drop me off and did a pretty devastating rhyme about it.”

[incorrectcowchop]

James: “Look, I’m Aleks! I'd rather be anywhere than here! I'm all about long sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silence! So what's it gonna be: long sullen silence or a mean comment? Go on, take your pick!”

Aleks:

James:

Aleks: “You got me in a box here.”

[incorrectcowchop]

Brett: “Don’t you just love hearing your joints crack and pop right after you wake up?”

Aleks: “No? Why would I- why would I enjoy that? Are you okay?”

Brett: “Physically? Oh, yeah, sure.”

[incorrectcowchop]

James: “Aleks stole my giant dildo! That’s a hate crime!”

Brett: “How is that a hate crime?”

James: “Because I hate him!”

[incorrectcowchop]

James: “Care to explain why there are six golden retriever puppies sitting in our house?”

Aleks: “They retrieve gold, James. I did this for us.”

[incorrectcowchop]

James: “You’re obviously not even listening to me, so I might as well just say whatever I want.”

Aleks: “Yeah, totally.”

James: “I killed Brett today. Everything is mine now. I’m your boss.”

Aleks: “I feel you, man.”

James: “Now that I’ve started, the urge to continue killing is constant. I’m addicted to the taste of blood.”

Aleks: “I know, man, I’ve been there.”

[incorrectcowchop]

James: “Trevor! You're like ten!”

Trevor: “...out of ten.”

Aleks: “Hey! Don't insult my son! He's eleven!”

Trevor:

Trevor: “...out of ten.”

[incorrectcowchop]

Brett, holding up a fancy bottle: “Is this whiskey or perfume?”

Aleks: grabs it and drinks all of it

Aleks: “It's perfume.”

[incorrectcowchop]

Jakob: “Since I joined CowChop, I’ve been kicked in the nuts, stabbed, set on fire, poisoned, kicked in the nuts, partially bitten, kicked in the nuts, and declared legally dead! Twice in the same day!”

Aleks: “You said ‘kicked in the nuts’ three times.”

Jakob: “That’s just by you!”

[incorrectcowchop]

Educated Guest: “You can’t dig through the middle of the earth—your shovel would just melt.”

Trevor: “But what if you put a secondary shovel in the fridge beforehand to make it cold?”

Educated Guest: “Uh, no, I don’t thi-“

James: “Yea, that’ll work.”

Aleks: “Try it.”

[incorrectcowchop]

James: “We have to stay cool. It’s like my mom always used to say: If a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack, there’s always something you can gnaw through.”

Aleks:

Aleks: “Your mom… always… said that?”

[incorrectcowchop]

Trevor: “I’ve only slept nine hours over the past four days, so I’m right on the verge of a nervous breakdown.”

Trevor: tries to take a bite out of his phone, slathered in cream cheese

Trevor: “…hey, this isn’t a bagel.”

[incorrectcowchop]

Aleks: “Hey, remember when you kicked yourself off the chair?”

Trevor: “It was an accident, okay? It never happened again.”

Aleks: “True. But—“

Aleks: turns around

Aleks: “Trevor?”

Trevor: “…down here.”

Aleks: “How the hell..?”

James: laughing in the distance

James: “He fell again!”

[incorrectcowchop]

Aleks: “So I accidentally slept with James last week.”

Asher: “You slept with James—“

Aleks: “Yes.”

Asher: “—accidentally.”

Aleks: “Yes.”

Asher:

Asher: “I don’t understand- did you trip over something?”

Asher: “Did you, like, slip and fall onto his dick and were just, like, ‘“well, while I’m here-‘“

[incorrectcowchop]

Brett: “One bonus of being an adult is grossly misusing modern slang on purpose and watching the others cry inside.”

Brett: “A fine example: the other day I pointed at a passing meteor and, while looking James in the eye, went “‘Man, is that bae or what, huh?’” and the look on his face was something I will treasure for years.”

[incorrectcowchop]

James: "And I’ve made the decision to trust you--"

Aleks: "A horrible decision, really."

[incorrectcowchop]

That’s the secret to my friendship with all of CowChop. They talk a lot. I pretend I’m listening. And then I do what I want.

Brett, probably (via incorrectcowchop)

the longer this stays up, the more true it becomes