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So I was listening to the audiobook for harry potter hbp and it was at the beginning where bellatrix and snape were having a go at each other in his house and when bellatrix started talking about lucius malfoy, narcissa interrupted by saying “don’t you dare blame my husband!” but the guy reading the audiobook didn’t change from his ‘snape’ voice when he said that so i was like oH PLOT TWIST ????

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You ever hear a thumping sound in your head that sounds kinda like a heart beating and you try to ignore it at first but it just keeps getting louder and louder and it slowly drives you insane and is a constant reminder of the man you just killed and stuffed inside your floorboards? Yea me neither hahaha.....

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When you go to type thanks but instead “you” type thanos 🍇

@_@@@@

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save the turtles am i right

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My grandmother in the crackerbarrel gift shop:

“I bet those are for Republicans...”

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🎶“So don’t you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine...”🎶

Me: *chucks rock at the sun* frik off, light

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10 yr old me: EWWww did they just kiss?!?! Love is disgusting

13 yr old me: that’s sooo romantic oh my gosh😍

16 yr old me: EWWww did they just kiss?!?! Love is disgusting

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Ok so I sometimes drool in my sleep right and I also love pop rocks. Well apparently I spilled some pop rocks on my bed when I dumped the whole hecking packet in my mouth at once to feel the full force of the explosion. I however did not realize that I had spilled some until about 3am when I “woke up” to pop rocks flinging themselves onto my face and making a humongous fricking pOP sound and scaring the crap out of me. ‘Twas a lovely experience 10/10

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*listening to Jumpsuit in the car*

my mom: “I hope he gets his jumpsuit to cover him, he sounds pretty upset”

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🎶“Cuz’ I like the gap between your teeth, and I like the riddles that you speak...”🎶

Troll under the bridge with huge gap in front teeth: 👹

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So i’ve been trying to kill as many flies as I can in my dear old grandmothers house before I leave. One of the flies I smacked with a towel and it fell to the ground. I didn’t think it was all the way dead but I just kinda left it there to die. Anyways like 30 minutes later i’m sitting on the ground so I can charge my phone and i’m like 5 feet away from the dead fly which I had forgot about and i’m just scrolling through tumblr and all of a sudden I look down and this fricking half dead fly is just slowly crawling straight towards me and it stops like 2 inches away from me and just stares into my soul and i’m not even joking when I say that i’m scared for my life right now

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so uh

is it normal to eat five string cheese sticks a day

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Me: I’m so brave and fearless

Also me: *gets scared when toast pops out of the toaster*

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me to me at home by myself at 2am laughing at my own joke:

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Out of all the different words on this planet that I confuse with each other, I think the worst one is ‘related’ and ‘allergic’. Like I’ll just be talking to someone and want to say “are you related to *random person*?” but what I’ll actually end up saying is “are you allergic to Craig?”

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I wonder what would happen if I watered my plants with carrot juice