Incorrect Laundry Files Quotes

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Angleton: When people get too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them. Mo: That's a genius move. Angleton: Thank you. Mo: You're welcome, Lester.

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Michael Armstrong: [To Bob and Mo You can do this. I have complete faith in you. [They leave]  Micheal Armstrong: There's, like, a 30% chance they'll both die.

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Ah, my ridiculously circuitous plan is one-quarter complete!

James Angleton

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Jonquil Carpenter: You - you stole my face? Yarisol: Yes, and speaking of which, you might want to avoid being seen by American federal investigators. To some, you are now known as Nikita Sponakova, leader of the Russian opium cartel.

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Efficiency! Industry! Never before has this many dead bodies been so manageable!

The Mandate giving a speech

[stainlesssteellocust]

“Look everyone, it’s Jesus’s Death Army!…something about what I just said doesn’t sound right.”

- The Golden Promise Ministry (via stainlesssteellocust)

[stainlesssteellocust]

Alex’s Mum: Alex Alex

Alex: yes mama

Alex’s Mum: getting girls?

Alex: yes mama

Alex’s Mum: telling lies?

Alex: no mama

Alex’s Mum: bring her to the house

Alex: WHOA mama

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Hello, ordinary person. Please maintain a minimum separation of three feet. I'm really trying not to kill anyone today, but it would be tremendously helpful if your major arteries were out of reach.

Mhari Murphy

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I like you. The consequence is that it would annoy me for just about two and a half minutes if I heard that you had died in torments. Well, if you fail me in any way, I shall have that two and a half minutes of discomfort. On your discomfort I will not dwell. Good-day. Mind the step."

The Mandate AKA N’yar Lat-Hotep

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Bob Howard: I have a question. At any given point in history there are doomsday cults. Such as yourselves. For a thousand years your kind has striven for and preached an end of times that will never be. Pastor Schiller: Your question? Bob Howard: My question is: What's it like to be as stupid as you are ugly?

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There is no word in the English language for the feeling someone gets when they suddenly realize they're standing next to an unholy monster impersonating a human. Monstralization, maybe?

Bob Howard, about Angleton

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The situation has a real Lovecraft feel to it. Though, you know, if you come over it'll be more of an Anne Rice situation. If you know what I mean.

Mhari to Bob in The Rhesus Chart

[stainlesssteellocust]

SCORPION STARE was a mistake.

Bob Howard

(via stainlesssteellocust)

[stainlesssteellocust]

I created the video camera/basilisk gaze look-to-kill death network to protect mankind, not destroy it!

Brains probably (via stainlesssteellocust)

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Hippity hoppity you're all my property!

The Mandate (AKA N’yar Lat-Hotep)

[stainlesssteellocust]

I keep wondering if maybe the Mandate is just bullshitting everyone

Like he’s obviously the real deal in power terms, but what if he’s just…fucking about?

All the terrified worship from Mhari and the other government peeps we see in The Labyrinth Index. All the hype about him being seemingly omniscient, all-powerful, how nobody can hide from him or oppose him. Those analogies about how worship is like honey, so he keeps his beehive safe from predators. How humans are a game to him.

But maybe he’s not playing this game to win it, but just to have a laugh. It’s a joke run for him, like making the most fucked-up dynasty possible in Crusader Kings or trying to win pokemon with a lvl 5 Magikarp, and if it fucks up he’ll just skip to another branch of the multiverse and begin anew. Everyone just desperately rationalizes his lunatic behaviour as some sort of 4D chess out of sunk cost fallacy or because they can’t bring themselves to consider the alternative.

And Fabian just sits there conflating religions and bickering about his skull tower, wondering how far he can push before his minions realize his ‘ineffable schemes’ are just the cosmic equivalent of trapping Sims in a swimming pool.

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Hi. Can I...eat your soul? Yay or nay? Seeing some yay faces over here.

Bob Howard