Incorrect Red Dwarf Quotes

Things that the boys from the Dwarf have technically never said, but totally would have said. Submissions welcome, but please remember to tell me the source of your quote when you submit (saves me having to Google it). Have fun miladdos! *Rimmer salutes*

[shouldtheydivorce]

Should Dave Lister and Arnold Rimmer divorce?

Yes, absolutely

No, their love is forever

No, they're perfect for each other (derogatory)

They should divorce remarry and divorce again that's how divorced they should be

I don't know these characters but they look cute together

I don't know these characters but they should divorce

I have zero opinion on their relationship status

Voting ended onNov 18, 2024

Reason:

They've been in a beautiful toxic love-hate relationship for over 3 million years. They'd find each other in any and every universe to get divorced.

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

Lister : Rimmer... Rimmer... Rimmer... Rimmer... Rimmer... Rimmer... Rimmer... Rimmer... Rimmer... Rimmer... Rimmer... Rimmer? Rimmer :This better be good. Lister: You know the black bits in bananas, are they tarantulas' eggs? Rimmer: Please don't speak to me ever again in your life.

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

Rimmer: (yelling) YOU SNIVELLING LITTLE COMMIE!! Lister: (also yelling) YOU ELITIST FASCIST PIG!! Kryten: This is good. This is very good. Political discussion, a healthy thing. Lister: (puzzled) This isn't political discussion. We were just shouting at one another. Kryten: Same thing!

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

Lister: I want a son. I must have a son. Kryten, you're a doctor! Kryten: Sorry, it can't be done! Lister: But a man isn't a man unless he exercises his right to fatherhood! Cat: You can exercise it all you like, but you won't find much use for it here!

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

Lister: Man, it totally sucks that the portable time drives don’t work anymore.

Rimmer: Yes, it’s a shame that the time trap that supposedly killed the Inquisitor also overloaded our quantum rods, and now we’re forced to build a new time machine just to return to our own time. I just hope it doesn’t malfunction.

Doug Naylor: (offscreen) Right, is everyone getting that? Good.

Lister: Rimmer, do you ever wonder what happened to the Inquisitor? I mean, did he really die in the time trap? What if the time trap didn’t kill him, but sent him hurtling through the time stream instead? As we speak, he could be in the past, actively corrupting the entire space-time continuum!

Rimmer: Normally I’d say that’s too contrived, but with this series, that’s exactly what must’ve happened. … Wait, hold on. If the Inquisitor did survive, then we never technically never took his gauntlet away, right? Which means our future selves would be forced to show up to get us to finish the mission they gave us, right?

(The two look around to make sure their future selves haven’t shown up.)

Rimmer: See? We’re fine. Now help me finish this before they show up.

Lister: Wait a minute. Couldn’t our future selves be waiting for us in our own time?

Rimmer: Good point. The first thing I’ll do when we get back is get Kryten to build an anti-time field so that no time travellers can visit.

Lister: But if you’re going to do that, won’t your future self already know about it and be able to stop you?

Rimmer: But if he did, then I couldn’t do it, and he wouldn’t know…

Lister: Ow. I think my brain is bleeding.

Rimmer: Look, no matter what we do, our future selves will already know what we’re going to do, right?

Lister: Right.

Rimmer: So the way I see it, there’s no point in worrying about what we may or may not make ourselves do, right? Besides, if you ask me, our future selves can take their predestination smeg and shove it up their-

Future Rimmer: This is so much funnier now than it was then.

(Future Lister and Future Rimmer come into view. It’s not clear how long they’ve been there.)

Lister: Oh, smeg. It’s our future selves again!

Rimmer: What do you want now?

Future Rimmer: The Inquisitor didn’t die in the time trap like you were hoping. We’re here to help you stop him.

Rimmer: What? You’re going to help us? Why?!

Future Rimmer: Because we remember us helping you back when we were you.

Future Lister: Duh.

Rimmer: Wait a second. Why are you helping us now instead of last time you showed up?

Future Rimmer: How many times do we have to explain this to you? We can’t do anything our future selves didn’t do when we were you.

Rimmer: So, you’re just doing whatever it was you remember doing before? Don’t you have free will? Are you both just a couple of mindless robots?!

Future Rimmer: Was I really this dumb back then?

Future Lister: Yep.

Rimmer: Look,  maybe we don’t want your help.

Future Rimmer: You don’t really have any choice in the matter.

(Suddenly out of nowhere, Doug Naylor appears.)

Doug Naylor: Wait! Before this gets any more confusing - and it will - I’ve got something to do.

(Doug slaps nametags on their lapels noting where in the timeline they come from.)

Doug Naylor: There. Now we can all tell you guys apart.

(Just then, another Rimmer from the double-double future shows up. Doug looks like he’s about to explode. Lister simply facepalms.)

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

Oh yeah, I forgot to add the title for that last submission - “Now, from this point on, things get a little bit confusing…” (it’s a quote from the end of Stasis Leak, I figured it fit pretty well)

_________

Would you be able to tell me where the quote comes from?

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

(Red Dwarf, pre-accident - Captain Hollister is still getting used to George’s new situation as he tries to encourage the bridge crew to work more efficiently.)

Captain Hollister: 'Kay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry George.

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

Kryten: Sirs. The door seems to have been locked from the outside.

Rimmer: Oh god, are we trapped in one of those damned “can’t leave until you have sex” rooms?

Lister, unbuckling his belt: Okay, no big deal then. Let’s go.

Cat: Wait, uh, the sign says, Welcome to the “can’t leave until you are emotionally honest with each other” room.

Lister:

Rimmer:

Cat:

Kryten: We’re going to die in here.

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

Lister: You know, it's at times like this when I'm stuck in a GELF airlock with a hologram of a man from Io, about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I listened to what my mum told me when I was young. Rimmer: Why? What did she tell you? Lister: I DON'T KNOW, I DIDN'T LISTEN! Rimmer: Terrific.

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

*At "Rimmer's" funeral" Lister: One of Rimmer's passions was jazz. Rimmer loved jazz. He asked me to play Blue Train by John Coltrane at his funeral. I couldn't really find that but I did find another song about a train. l hope it'll do just as well. *Theme from Thomas The Tank Engine starts playing*

[misheancolchester]

Happy Gazpacho Soup Day!

[aromanticduck]

[Image description: two animated GIFs showing Lister from Red Dwarf reading Rimmer's diary out loud, with text:

'November 25th. Gazpacho Soup Day.'

End description]

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

Rimmer giving a lecture to the crew Rimmer: Sealed in glass though it may be, in its own way the ship can be viewed as a living organism. Cat: Did you hear what Goalpost Head just called the ship? Lister: He said "organism." That's not the same as "orgasm".

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

Lister: We fight so much, even our friends don't want to hang out with us. Kochanski: Kryten's not my friend, I only tolerate Holly, no one likes Rimmer, and Cat's basically a pet! Cat: Aoooow! Rimmer: Are you guys gonna let her say that nobody likes me? Everyone else: (Silence)

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

Rimmer: Here are two pictures. One is your locker. The other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can you tell which is which?

Lister: That one’s the dump.

Rimmer: They are both your locker.

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

I found out where the friend quote was from. I thought it would have been from TBBT but I typed it into Google changing the name to Sheldon and I was wrong, apparently it's from an series 4 episode 6 of The Flash

Thank you! I'll update the tags

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

Lister: Rimmer, are you still awake?

Rimmer: Yes, Lister! I was just talking about Gifs, right?! A second ago?

Lister: Do you think horses get songs stuck in their heads?

Rimmer: Oh, my God! I don't know Lister, go to sleep!

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

Rimmer: We need more help. Maybe I should call my friends.

Holly: ...Your what?

Rimmer: My friends.

Cat: Is he saying “friends”?

Lister: I think he's being sarcastic.

Kryten: No, no, no, this is delirium, he's cracked from being awake all night. Hey, Rimmer! All of your friends are in this room.

Rimmer: I have other friends! You asked me to make new friends, I made new friends! It was a task. I complete tasks.