#whenworldscollide2

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

(Red Dwarf, pre-accident - Captain Hollister is still getting used to George’s new situation as he tries to encourage the bridge crew to work more efficiently.)

Captain Hollister: 'Kay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry George.

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

Lister: Man, it totally sucks that the portable time drives don’t work anymore.

Rimmer: Yes, it’s a shame that the time trap that supposedly killed the Inquisitor also overloaded our quantum rods, and now we’re forced to build a new time machine just to return to our own time. I just hope it doesn’t malfunction.

Doug Naylor: (offscreen) Right, is everyone getting that? Good.

Lister: Rimmer, do you ever wonder what happened to the Inquisitor? I mean, did he really die in the time trap? What if the time trap didn’t kill him, but sent him hurtling through the time stream instead? As we speak, he could be in the past, actively corrupting the entire space-time continuum!

Rimmer: Normally I’d say that’s too contrived, but with this series, that’s exactly what must’ve happened. … Wait, hold on. If the Inquisitor did survive, then we never technically never took his gauntlet away, right? Which means our future selves would be forced to show up to get us to finish the mission they gave us, right?

(The two look around to make sure their future selves haven’t shown up.)

Rimmer: See? We’re fine. Now help me finish this before they show up.

Lister: Wait a minute. Couldn’t our future selves be waiting for us in our own time?

Rimmer: Good point. The first thing I’ll do when we get back is get Kryten to build an anti-time field so that no time travellers can visit.

Lister: But if you’re going to do that, won’t your future self already know about it and be able to stop you?

Rimmer: But if he did, then I couldn’t do it, and he wouldn’t know…

Lister: Ow. I think my brain is bleeding.

Rimmer: Look, no matter what we do, our future selves will already know what we’re going to do, right?

Lister: Right.

Rimmer: So the way I see it, there’s no point in worrying about what we may or may not make ourselves do, right? Besides, if you ask me, our future selves can take their predestination smeg and shove it up their-

Future Rimmer: This is so much funnier now than it was then.

(Future Lister and Future Rimmer come into view. It’s not clear how long they’ve been there.)

Lister: Oh, smeg. It’s our future selves again!

Rimmer: What do you want now?

Future Rimmer: The Inquisitor didn’t die in the time trap like you were hoping. We’re here to help you stop him.

Rimmer: What? You’re going to help us? Why?!

Future Rimmer: Because we remember us helping you back when we were you.

Future Lister: Duh.

Rimmer: Wait a second. Why are you helping us now instead of last time you showed up?

Future Rimmer: How many times do we have to explain this to you? We can’t do anything our future selves didn’t do when we were you.

Rimmer: So, you’re just doing whatever it was you remember doing before? Don’t you have free will? Are you both just a couple of mindless robots?!

Future Rimmer: Was I really this dumb back then?

Future Lister: Yep.

Rimmer: Look,  maybe we don’t want your help.

Future Rimmer: You don’t really have any choice in the matter.

(Suddenly out of nowhere, Doug Naylor appears.)

Doug Naylor: Wait! Before this gets any more confusing - and it will - I’ve got something to do.

(Doug slaps nametags on their lapels noting where in the timeline they come from.)

Doug Naylor: There. Now we can all tell you guys apart.

(Just then, another Rimmer from the double-double future shows up. Doug looks like he’s about to explode. Lister simply facepalms.)

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

Holly: (trying to console Dave upon his release from stasis and the news that everybody's dead) Well, you know the old formula - comedy equals tragedy plus time - and you have been stasis for a while, so I guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the maths.

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

Rimmer: You... you cut through my trunk! This was a gift from my father!

Lister: I'm sorry, I'm sure he was a great man.

Rimmer: I hated my father!

Lister: Oh, then I'm sure your father was a total prick.

Rimmer: HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT MY FATHER LIKE THAT!

(Rimmer tries to punch Lister; being soft-light; his fist passes straight through)

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

Kochanski: Okay, if I told you that the pipes in my room were actually screaming out, would you think that I was strange?

Rimmer: No, I'd ask you to come round and look after my small children.

Kochanski: Look, if you don't believe me, you can come round tonight and we'll watch the pipes.

Lister: Don't be ridiculous. We'll be staying in watching the thermostat, won't we Arnold?

Rimmer: I don't know, it's an impossible choice. Pipes, thermostats. I'll just have to hope when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me!

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

Rimmer: But you were surprised to see me alive, weren't you? But I'm not alive, Lister. Sure, I can stand here and talk to you. I can breathe and I can move. But I'm not alive.

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

Rimmer:  Now listen to me, Kryten!

Kryten: I hear you.

Rimmer: Good. Now I'm going to ask you once again. Where is Lister?

Kryten: He did not reveal his destination to me.

Rimmer: But you must have some idea.

Kryten: I am a mechanoid. I do not have ideas. I obey instructions.

Rimmer: So you've no idea where he's gone.

Kryten: I do not.

Rimmer: Doesn't the wretched man have a home to go to?

Kryten: (matter-of-factly) Yes.

Rimmer: He has?

Kryten: Yes.

Rimmer: Then why didn't you tell me?

Kryten: You didn't ask.

Rimmer: But... Will you please take us there?

Kryten: Mister Rimmer sir, much of my circuitry feels uneasy about continuing to accept instructions from a dead man.

Rimmer: Well just tell it not to worry. I'm sure your Mister Lister will be very anxious to pay his last respects to me.

Kryten: Instructions accepted.

Rimmer: (to Holly) I do hate machines. They're so literal minded. Aren't they, Holly?

Holly: You what?

[incorrectreddwarfquotes]

(Lister and Nano-Rimmer introducing themselves to some GELFs who have some quantum rods they need for plot reasons)

Lister: Hi.

GELF 1: So, you guys are the humans?

Lister: No.

Rimmer: Don't be rude, Lister.

GELF 2: And you're here for the quantum rods!

Lister: No.

Rimmer: We are. And I AM THE COMMANDER OF ALL HUMANS!

GELF 1: You're a commander?

Lister: No.

Rimmer: ... Smeg off, Lister.

GELF 1: So what do we call you?

Lister: I am Lister, and this is Rimmer. He was a prison-

Nano-Rimmer: SHUT UP LISTER!

Lister:

*camera zooms in on Lister's face; he grins devilishly*

Lister: -bitch.

Nano-Rimmer: Dammit Lister!