ARSON! ARSON!

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Tina: So what’s the plan?

Alice: I don’t know. You’re smart, Bette is mean, come up with something.

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Alice: Hey, aren’t you Papi?

Papi: You a cop?

Alice: No.

Papi: Then yes, I am.

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Bette: Do you wanna cry in the bathtub with me someday?

Tina: Yeah, sure.

Bette: I can’t promise to make it sexy, though.

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Young Angie, upon learning how Shane did a magic trick: So you’re not magic?

Shane: Well, not really.

Angie: You’re just a liar.

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Carmen: Am I gonna be okay?

Shane: No. You’re in a relationship with me. Nothing will ever be okay.

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Bette: Thanks for not telling your mom what happened.

Angie, dumbfounded: I wouldn’t even know where to begin trying to explain this.

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Lenore: Sometimes I feel like I failed as a mother.

Alice: SOMETIMES?

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Bette: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We’ll hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to fight whoever else is underneath.

Tina: We are not going to do that

Bette: Mistlefoe

Tina: Bette, no

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Mark: I’m making a jello mold of my penis

Jenny: Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?

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Shane: I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.

Carmen: I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!

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Bette: I didn’t want to fight with Jenny, I just wanted to tell her to fuck off

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Shane: I'm like a prophet. It's amazing how many people I can convince to be lesbians.

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Tina: I need a hoe opinion

Shane: go on

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Kit, about Bette: Can I disown her as a sister?

Tina: Unfortunately, no.

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Bette: You know how you worry about me?

Kit: Yes?

Bette: Well, you have reason to.

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Bette: I said I wasn’t gonna cry…

Jenny: But you’re not crying.

Bette: I know. It’s called strength.

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Alice: I just think that, for 5 bucks, they could blend a little bit better so I don’t get strawberry lumps stuck in my straw.

Shane: Hey, that’d be a cool name for a band.

Alice: “Stuck In My Straw”?

Shane: “Strawberry Lumps”.

Alice: Better.