lilie

sometimes my notes app sounds like an acoustic guitar im 19 and i still don’t know how to use my words

[malabadspice-deactivated2024032]

Guys, if you don’t have enough money to donate or are unable to use your money internationally (like me), you can simply go to arab.org and click daily for free. Each click will send money (Lebanese Pound 1 per click. This organization is based in Lebanon and works with the UN) through ad revenues to UNRWA in Gaza. Besides Palestine, you can also support other causes in the Arab world for women, children, refugees, the environment, etc. Therefore, make sure to go to this site on each of your devices and click everyday.

(EDIT) You can also use different kinds of browsers on your devices to give more daily clicks. I've tried this with Google Chrome and Microsoft Edge on my PC. Now, I'm downloading Mozilla Firefox to click again.

(EDIT 2) Using the private mode of a browser after you use non-incognito browsing also allows you to click more in repetition. You don’t have to wait for a day to be over to click again.

[incorrigiblemind]

maybe it really is the guy you love at 19

[boycritter]

"i cant do polyamory id be too jealous" a REAL envymaxxer can get just as jealous in purely platonic situations. get on my level.

[incorrigiblemind]

I could pick a fight with a blade of grass if I wanted to.

Get mad at the way it swayed in the wind or tickled my foot. Overreact so badly I’d reach down and rip it and others from the ground.

The lawn would be empty and barren before I’d realise what I’d done.

So afraid of lying belly up and doing nothing, that I’m now the one bearing my teeth and starting. Ripping into my prey until I’m hauled off and it lies limp and sorry.

What’s wrong with me? Why am I so horrible and quick to anger? Why am I so cruel?

I swear I’m not a bad dog. I don’t know why I bite.

I think I’m just scared.

I’m so so scared

[semper-in-flore]

"because i figured you'd love me jo" but she did love him. she loved him like the dragging ink loved paper. she loved him like the rain loved the clouds, like the sparrows loved fall. yet she didn't love him in a way that called for diamonds, for vows and formalities. he yearned for her hand, and she for his support. they loved each other, too much too late too different.

[boycritter]

there's a half-done self portrait on my bedroom floor and when i see it out of the corner of my eye i think to myself he looks so happy and i kick myself because of course he does because his glasses are rose gold and mine are silver and he is rose gold and i am cold to the touch and i am scattering light and i am flinging myself at anything that might stick and he can only get more rose gold from here because i didnt even put blue on my palette in the first place and now my friends are asking how are you doing and now my friends are asking how did you do it and i don't know how to explain myself

[tendermimi]

psychosexualism in tom à la ferme (2013) / michel-marc bouchard ‘tom a la ferme’, sonya vatmosky ‘pseudomonarchia lacrimae’, ocean vuong ‘no one knows the way to heaven’, richard siken ‘little beast’

[horrificgoth]

(crawls on all fours with blood drenched on me) I have to do arts and crafts

[nongunktional]

when i first heard about the male loneliness epidemic i was like oh yeah close camaraderie and bonding between men is often discouraged in favor of competition or, if not discouraged, at least filtered through a lens of individualism that precludes deep connections. and then i learned what people meant by it (men arent getting laid) to which i say skill issue

[inkskinned]

despite pages of poems and the entire book i wrote you - you only ever wrote me two songs. the first has the lyric coming up on 7.13, the date we first started really flirting. it's been three years from then, and my life has been utterly ruined. we haven't spoken in a month. i oscillate between being a wreck and being wildly, manically happy. i go long periods without thinking of you - and then i keep myself up, tortured by memories.

i think it's important to note we had been friends for years first. that i had learned to trust you, to think better of you. that you knew who i was - and you still fucking broke me. you knew all the ways i had worked to be okay with myself. all my independence, my hobbies. you could have left me alone, is the thing. you could have let me just keep fucking living.

i keep writing paragraphs on paragraphs about what you did, what you said - who you were. how it escalated so slowly. how i am still scared to admit the truth of things, fearing your response. you taught me that fear. it's only been a month, but still - already, how strange to think of who i was while i was with you. that was a husk-girl, cowering, servile. i can't believe let you in my fucking house.

three weeks before you discarded me; you took me ring shopping. you would tell me so many times i was the love of your life, someone that you "couldn't live without."

the last thing you sent me was that second song - a new one, finally. it's about how i'll never get what i want. about how miserable the idea of a life with me is.

my mother was furious. i had to call her - i was sobbing on the floor of my bathroom about it. She knows it kills me that i can't have kids, i said, breathless, silver and shaking with anguish, Why would she make a fucking song about how sad that is.

you know her, and you know how gentle and forgiving she is. how rare her anger is. her response was slow, deliberate. sweetheart, she said, she can write any song she wants. i know my girl. you are going to write a book instead.

i hiccupped a laugh, but she was still talking. she dropped her voice low, almost scraping through the phone and onto the floor with me. it was a strange tone, almost like feeling a storm coming when there's nowhere safe to be.

i want you to rip her apart, she said. do you think you can you do that for me?

[incorrigiblemind]

i’m scared that im just not made for love.

forever unable to accept all that others try to give me, yet always wanting more.

i’m the mold that grows on every foundation. making it unhealthy and the people around me sick.

i scrub and scrub and scrub and i sit in the sun to dry. but my eyes are always flowing and my cheeks always damp. it’s impossible to stay clean.

do i just move house again?

i really like the one i’ve been building

why is it never enough

[lena-oleanderson]

also a poem from the new, unreleased collection. very possibly my own all-time favourite.

[incorrigiblemind]

Sometimes my sadness is so all consuming that I forget the things that lie outside of it.

I have people that love me and a lovely red roof over my head.

Flowers on my window sill and clothes that aren't torn.

A job that I enjoy and the freedom to go where I please.

Jewellery, food, a blanket, my own bed.

I'm usually so happy and optimistic about everything, or at least I try my best to be.

But sometimes the ball in my chest is just so heavy I can't help but sink.

Right now it's so heavy I don't want to get up.

I want so desperately to pick up the phone, to tell someone.

My boyfriend, a friend.

My sister who's sleeping right beside me now.

But I've sat alone in this silence so long I don't know how.

I'm so scared to have people see me vulnerable.

I'm so tired of being scared too.

How stupid that being sad can keep me in bed and make my knees weak and my stomach turn. Kill my appetite and just impede my day.

It's so stupid, and yet, saying that does not make it go away.

I'm scared if I pick up the phone to my boyfriend, he won't be there for me the way I need him to. Either he'll be too tired (he's already asleep), or he just won't get it.

I'm scared if I call my friend she'll know I'm weak and she'll now see me as such.

My best friend has her own troubles I don't want to burden her with.

My sister is fast asleep and has a long day ahead of her,.

And all these are really just excuses.

I'm scared for them to see me.

I'm scared.

And I'm sad

And I think I'd rather just sit here in the dark for a while.

Tomorrow the flip will switch back on and all will be well.

But tonight I feel the weight of the world on me

[incorrigiblemind]

I've been thinking about my ex.

About how he's been and how he's doing.

If he's a better person now or if he is just as bad or worse

I've been wondering if thinks the same about me.

We were once really good friends.

He was the first person I ever really opened up to and let in.

Maybe that's why I'm thinking of him now.

I wish we could have one last conversation.

Just me and my old friend.

We could talk about the terrible relationship we both had and about why everything went the way it did.

We could gossip and talk shit and laugh just like we used to.

We could have one last hug and a proper goodbye.

I know the person that I miss doesn't exist anymore.

I know they maybe never did.

But I miss them.

Does the boy I once called my best friend think the worst of me?

I don't know why it bothers me so much after all that's been done and said.

I think I just grieve everything.

I'm sorry for all I did, Ryan.

I forgive you for all you did.

I just wish I could understand why.

Maybe in another life we'll keep it as just friends and we'll be able to share anime again.

Maybe in another life you'll still be the person that finally made me feel a little less of an outcast.

Thank you for the love we shared and the life you exposed me to.

I miss our friendship.

I don't think I want it back in this life, maybe the next.

[incorrigiblemind]

i let things slide and my heart weighs with grief, i address things and confront them and my heart weighs with guilt.

is there a way for me to exist that doesn’t fill me with existential dread?

is there a way for me to be a person without feeling like it’s some kind of affliction?

i feel so heavy.

if i jump in the water will i sink and my problems drown with me?

will my body poison the water as i decompose?

will that finally prove to me that i truly am an awful person?

will that be enough?

[antleredheretic-deactivated2025]

I’m traveling to north Texas with my dad to say goodbye to a dying relative. I’m here to support my dad. I haven’t been able to think about it yet

[incorrigiblemind]

Love spills from your body like rays of light and I’m a child of England, unused to the sun.