Willing and Able
Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader
Masterlist
Brand New Day Spoilers below the cut
Synopsis: After reading Peter’s letter and rejecting him, you invite him inside your apartment to talk
“Sorry about him. He’s just excited that you’re here.” You said once Ned left the apartment to get the food he’d ordered. You and Peter were alone once again, with you on the couch and him sitting on the floor. He was preoccupied by a Lego set Ned had put out, but you were still thinking out the letter you’d found. The letter that informed you that you and Peter were once together, but you had his existence entirely wiped from your memory.
“It’s all good. This is honestly the most fun I’ve had in years.” Peter told you as he fitted another two blocks together.
“Really? You don’t do Lego nights with your new friends?”
“No, no. I didn’t really make any. Not the kinds that like to build Lego’s, anyways. I’m pretty busy with Spiderman stuff.” He answered you. There was no self pity in his voice, but that only made you feel all the more guilty. The more you thought about what his last four years must’ve been like compared to yours, you wanted to break down into tears and hold him tight. You had to look away from him when your eyes began to water.
“That makes me sad.” You admitted as you discreetly dabbed at your eyes.
“What does?” He wondered.
“Thinking of you going through all of this alone. I mean, Ned and I had each other, but we didn’t even know that we had lost something. You really didn’t have anyone?”
“No, but it’s okay.” He assured you. “Don’t feel sad. I made the decision to have the spell cast. I knew what it would do.”
“I don’t know if I could have done something that selfless.” You shook your head and continued to dodge his gaze. Peter watched you and could tell you were emotional and trying to hide it from him, but he knew you too well. The last thing he wanted was for you to feel any kind of remorse for a decision he made.
“Yeah, well, I guess I’m just a better person than you.” He shrugged and watched your reaction carefully. Despite forgetting him, his sense of humor still worked on you. You cracked a smile and looked at him.
“You’re funny.” You told him. “That’s something I’ve learned about you so far. Selfless and funny.”
“And humble.” He added, making you smile again.
“Right, and humble.” You nodded. You watched him build the Lego set some more as the two of you sat in comfortable silence. Peter had a million things he wanted to say to you, but didn’t want to overwhelm you, so he kept quiet.
“Gentle, too.” You said after a beat of silence.
“Gentle?” He tilted his head.
“The way you held me when you swung me home.” You explained. “You kept me secure, but it still felt respectful of my space. And you swung us back so slowly and carefully. Even… even after what I had just said to you.”
Since he still had his mask on, you watched his body language carefully to see how he reacted to being reminded of you telling him you didn’t love him. You wanted to see if it was crushing him as much as it was crushing you, or if he was more understanding. But he was too hard to read.
“You know, you never really liked swinging with me.” Peter laughed softly. “It used to scare you, understandably so. That’s why I went so slow. I didn’t want to freak you out anymore than you probably already are. I know reading that letter must’ve been a lot.”
“I’m right, then.” You smiled coyly. “You are gentle. And considerate. That’s another thing I know about you now.”
“Collecting data on me, are you?” Peter asked, grateful that his mask was concealed the delighted smile he was wearing. After the heavy conversation you’d had after you discovered the letter, he was appreciating each shred of tenderness between the two of you.
“Wouldn’t you? If someone showed up at your door and said “hey, by the way, we were together, but I was wiped from your memory”, wouldn’t you want to learn everything about them to see why you once loved them?”
“Honestly, I don’t even know if I’d believe them.” Peter admitted. “I’m actually kinda surprised that you did. You’re usually pretty skeptical and like to see things for yourself. For all you know, I could be making this all up as a really elaborate way to ask you out.”
“I didn’t even think of that.” You realized. “I just automatically believed you when I read the letter.”
“Why do you think that was?” Peter wondered as he looked over at you.
“I don’t really know. I think it just made sense to me. All throughout college, I felt like there was something missing in my life. Nothing ever satisfied me - no job, no guy, no achievement, because I always felt like I was waiting for something more. So when I read your letter, it all made sense. I knew what I’d be waiting for was actually a who. And that’s you.”
Peter could do little to suppress the onset of hope growing within him that maybe you whole heartedly believing him meant a part of you remembered him. He was quiet for a minute and felt himself getting emotional once more. He couldn’t wipe his eyes since he still had his mask on, so he nodded his head and looked down.
Peter could feel your gaze all over him, but his voice was too shaky to speak. After being told by both you and Jean that you had no thoughts of him, it meant everything to him that some part of you had felt his absence.
“Well I very grateful that you believed me.” He said once he finally trusted his voice not to crack. You smiled sadly and then looked down at your lap. Peter watched you, feeling like there was something at the tip of your tongue that you’d been holding back for the entirety of the conversation.
“Hey, Peter?” You asked in a timid voice.
“Yeah?”
“I feel really bad about what I said to you before. About not loving you, I mean.” You admitted, still keeping your eyes down. Peter swallowed and looked away as well as he mentally prepared himself to have this conversation again.
“Oh, that’s…that’s okay.” He said kindly. “I don’t want you to worry about that, okay? Don’t feel bad. It’s….everything is okay.”
“None of this is okay.” You said tearfully. “That must’ve been really awful to hear after you waited so long to talk to me. I can’t stop thinking about your face when I said it. I keep replaying it in my mind.”
Peter didn’t say anything for a long time. Finally, he stood up from his spot on the floor and sat beside you on your couch. You watched him through tear stained eyelashes and moved over a little to be closer to him. Silently, Peter took a box of tissues off the end table and handed them to you.
“I really don’t want this to weigh on you.” He said finally. “What you said, it’s really okay. How could you love me? You don’t know me.”
“I think I just felt really angry in that moment. I remember you coming into the donut shop before I started school. I remember you holding that letter in your hand. You looked like you had something to tell me.” You recalled as you dried your eyes with your tissue.
“I wish I had just told you then.” Peter sighed. “I really do. I’m sorry I took that choice from you.”
You stared at him for a moment and wished you could pull his mask off and look into his eyes. You settled for the glimpse of them that you could get through the white of his mask, and found unexpected comfort in them.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner, Peter?” You whispered. “We could have been rebuilding this whole time. I could’ve been getting to know you this whole time. But now, I feel like you’ve been taken from me twice.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Was all he could say. You could tell he was crying too. You wiped your eyes again and then started to rip up the tissue to give your hands something to do.
“It’s strange. I don’t remember you, but I can still feel what a loss that is.” You said as if you were thinking out loud. As you looked into Peter’s eyes, he had never seen you look so lost. He decided you’d both gone long enough without connection and pulled off his mask.
“What are you doing? Put it back on. Ned could come back any minute.” You warned him as your head whipped to the door to see if Ned had returned.
“I don’t care.” Peter shook his head. “I have to tell you this.”
“Tell me what?” You asked as your eyes desperately searched his face to try and jog your memory.
“I am truly sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner. But you have to understand that it only came from a place of wanting to protect you.”
He paused as though he was carefully considering his next words. His knee was bouncing up and down, seemingly unbeknownst to him, so you put your hand on top of it. It stopped bouncing almost immediately and he instinctively put his hand on top of yours. He rubbed his thumb over your knuckles for just a second before remembering that you didn’t have that kind of relationship anymore. He quickly withdrew his hand and wiped his eyes.
“When I first went to give you the letter all those years ago, I had just come back from my aunts grave. I was carrying the weight of my lifestyle being the cause of her death. Seeing your face that day was the only thing that eased the pain. But then I saw that you still had a bandage on your face from helping me when I was fighting some people. You probably don’t remember that either.”
You reached up and touched the scar above your right eyebrow when you heard this. Something you’d always chalked up to being a birthmark or leftover scrape from childhood had been a connection to Peter this whole time.
“When I looked at you and heard how excited you were to go off to school, you seemed so peaceful.” Peter continued. “I couldn’t bring myself to tell you. I couldn’t complicate your life all over again and risk you getting killed for me.”
You chewed your bottom lip for a moment as you processed what he was saying. You could understand his reasoning to a point, but you still wished he had let you make the decision for yourself.
“Did I know you were Spiderman when we were together?” You asked him.
“Yeah. You figured it out.” He said with a soft laugh when he remembered the night you told him you knew his secret. You didn’t seemed pleased by that answer and frowned at him.
“But doesn’t that mean I already knew the risk? And was with you regardless?”
“You were.” He had to agree. “I guess it didn’t feel like a risk anymore after my aunt passed. It felt inevitable.”
You sighed and put your hand back on Peter’s knee. He looked into your eyes expecting residual anger, but they were only soft now.
“I understand why you did what you did. But I don’t want you to make decisions like that for me ever again, okay?” You said firmly but kindly.
“I won’t.” He nodded. “Never again. I promise.”
“Good. Because if I’m back in your life now, I need to be able to trust you.”
“You can. I’ll make it up to you.” He assured you. The faintest hint of a smile crept onto his face, so he looked down in attempt to hide it.
“What?” You wondered.
“I didn’t realize this meant you were officially back in my life.” He said in a quiet voice. You could hear a difference in his voice as he spoke, sounding much lighter than he had since he first reentered your life.
“Ned and I are, yeah.” You said simply, not understanding how desperately he needed to hear that.
“That’s, uh, that’s really great to hear.” He nodded and kept his head low so you wouldn’t see his misty eyes. He didn’t want you to see that he was all choked up over the mere fact you were someone he could talk to again.
“You could’ve heard it four years ago.” You said out the corner of his mouth. Peter let out a soft chuckle at that, making you smile as well. The atmosphere in the room finally felt a little less intense and you were able to smile at each other.
“Are you gonna remind me of that for the rest of our lives?” Peter asked you, secretly thrilled to have the beginning of some kind of inside joke with you. Inside jokes existed between people who meant something to each other, giving him hope that this would be the first of many between you.
“Almost definitely.” You assured him.
“I deserve that.” He shrugged. To his surprise, your smile fell and a very serious look crossed your face.
“You don’t deserve any of this.” You stated as you stared into his eyes. Peter blinked at the sudden candor from you and nodded his head to show you he heard you.
“I appreciate you saying that.” He said, voice quiet once again.
“I mean it, Peter.” You insisted. “No one should have ever had to go through what you’ve gone through. But you don’t have to go through it alone anymore. I’m here for you now. As long as you’re honest with me.”
“Since I’m being honest, there’s actually something else I have to tell you.”
“Oh God.” You sighed. “There’s more? What else could you possibly have to tell me?”
“You know how I came into your room the other day and told you someone bad was after you? And then we found out later that it was Jean?”
“Yeah. What about it?”
“After I got you out of your apartment, we landed on a rooftop. I thought I had gotten us far enough away from Jean where she couldn’t get us, but I didn’t. She took you over at some point without me realizing. And she, uh, she kissed me.” Peter admitted. He’d been carrying the shame from the moment he’d realized it was Jean, and not you, who kissed him. In the spirit of rebuilding your relationship, he knew he had to be honest with you.
“Oh. I didn’t know that happened. Everything just sort of switched off after we left my apartment.” You frowned and tried to recall the moments between Peter rushing into your open window and you waking up in his arms on the sidewalk after Jean threw you off the rooftop.
“I assumed you didn’t know. But I wanted you to know that I kissed you back. Or, her back, I guess. But only because I thought it was you. I really thought we were safe from her up there. If I had known it wasn’t really you, I never would’ve kissed her back. Or, you back. I don’t know exactly. I just want you to know that I’m really sorry.”
“I appreciate you telling me that.” You smiled sadly at him. “And your apology. I’m pretty disgusted that she used my body like that, but I don’t blame you for it. I know you wouldn’t have kissed me if you knew the truth.”
“I wouldn’t. Ever. But I’m still sorry.”
“I forgive you, since you didn’t know. Plus, I’m sure we’ve kissed before, right?”
“Yeah.” Peter blushed. “We have.”
“I figured. That explains why I don’t remember my first kiss.” You said with a sad laugh. Peter could tell that bothered you but stayed silent to let you process it.
“Or my first time.” You realized. “Was that you, too?”
“Yeah, yeah that was me.” Peter said weakly. He was bright red now, but luckily, you weren’t looking at him.
“Damn. And here I thought I was a virgin.”
“Definitely not.” Peter mumbled.
“Definitely not?” You repeated through a laugh. “Damn, Spiderman. What were we getting up to?”
Before he could answer, he watched your face slowly drop into a frown. You slumped back on the couch and stared off into the distance but not at anything in particular.
“That’s actually hitting me pretty hard.” You confessed. “Those were two pivotal moments in my life and I have no memory of them. Or of being in love. Or, I’m sorry. Were we in love? How serious was our relationship? Your letter just said we were together.”
“Very serious and very much in love. We were that annoying couple that sat on the same side of the booth at restaurants.” He informed you. You smiled a little at that, but he could tell you were still grieving the loss of memories for those foundational moments in your life.
“Oh God. Really?” You asked in total disbelief, feeling unable to imagine yourself as one half of a couple that did that.
“Oh yes. And always holding hands. Even under the desk in class. People would make fun of us sometimes. But even when they did, you never let go of my hand.”
“I mean, that’s pretty sweet.” You admitted. “As long as we weren’t the kind of high school couple that would like bark at each other or make out to say goodbye if we had different classes.”
“No, no barking.” He chuckled. “Just holding hands. And you’d wear my debate club hoodie. You always said it was because it smelled like me, but I really think you just didn’t want to buy your own.”
“That sounds like me. I actually still have that. I thought it was mine.”
“It’s mine. My initials are on the tag.”
“Really?” Your eyes widened. “How did I not notice that? I did notice it smelled like cologne, though. But I thought that was because Ned had borrowed it or something.”
“Nope. All me.” Peter said proudly.
“What else?” You asked as you leaned your chin on your hands to look at him. You resembled a kid eagerly waiting to hear the next part of a storybook, and that made Peter eager to tell you.
“You’d come over every Friday and my aunt would make us some bizarre recipe she saw online. It was never good, and rarely edible, but you’d always pretend to like it. And then we’d sneak out and get McDonald’s.”
“May.” You recalled. “I could never remember how I knew her. Or why I spent so much time at a 50 year old woman’s home in my teens.”
“Yeah, May.” He smiled sadly. “We’d watch movies in your room a lot. You let me show you all my favorites. If you complimented something random about the movie after we watched it, I knew that meant you didn’t like it. Like, “the score was really powerful” or “the costumes were so detailed”. That’s when I’d think yep, she hated it.”
“Is that why I’ve seen all the Star Wars movies? That’s your doing?”
“Oh, yes.” He nodded. “That’s all me.”
“Keep going.” You said, thought it sounded more like a plead.
“You always had my back. Always. You don’t remember this, but before the spell, my identity got revealed to the world. You went down swinging for me anytime someone said something to me. Even though it was making things harder for you.”
“Harder how?”
“You got fired from your job. So did Ned. And neither of you got into MIT because you were linked to the “controversy” about me.” He explained.
“I can’t believe that happened. I don’t remember any of that.”
“It did. That’s part of the reason I didn’t tell you sooner.”
“Which you’re sorry about.” You reminded him.
“Right, which I’m sorry about.” He nodded in agreement and cracked a smile at you keeping him in line. You frowned again and touched a gentle hand to Peter’s cheek, to which he instantly melted into.
“You gave up so much for Ned and I to have normal lives. And we had no idea for all this time.” You said in a voice barely above a whisper.
“Of course. I would do anything to protect you guys. Anything.”
“I can’t tell you how much I wish I had our memories.” You stayed in a hushed tone as you stroked his freckles with your thumb.
“I really wish you did too.” He said, voice beginning to waver as well. You gave him a teary smile and then wiped your eyes with the back of your hand.
“Listen, um, I know that I said before that I’m grateful for what you sacrificed for me, but that I don’t know you.”
“I remember.” Peter said quietly.
“But I’d like to.” You continued. Peter stared into your eyes for what felt like a really long time, unwilling to blindly trust that this was really you talking and not another trick.
“If that’s okay?” You added when he didn’t respond.
“Can I have four years to think about it?” He said finally, making you laugh through your tears and pull him into a hug. He hugged you back as tightly as he could and let himself trust that this was real. He buried your face in his shoulder, letting himself grow familiar with the new perfume you wore. You held him just as tightly, feeling your muscle memory kick it as you gripped the curls on the top of his head.
“No, you may not.” You said into his shoulder. “I think we’ve lost enough time.”
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