As you can see, I haven’t used this Tumblr account since 2016. During this time, I was much stronger with my faith and had (well, thought I had) some type of purpose for my life. I was a sophomore/junior in college just trying to get it right and became more confident with myself.
It’s crazy how so much can change in a short amount of time.
Now, I’m a recent college graduate who is truly confused about what I want to do with my life. This may sound very basic/nonsevere, but this is something that I’ve been battling with for longest, even in undergrad. I feel as if I’m not passionate about ANYTHING. Literally. As a postgraduate plan, I’m currently working in a field that I thought I wanted to go into and aligns with my undergraduate major. Now, I’m unsure if this is what I really want to further my career and education in. I want to be able to wake up and be happy about going into work and my responsibilities, not dread getting out of bed to go to a job I’m not a fan of.
I also want to be happy and make money. Coming from a low-income family, I want to be able to provide for myself without having to worry about a bill not being paid or not being to enjoy myself as a young adult because I can’t pay for for certain experiences.
I just don’t know how I can see myself doing something I’m unhappy with and make good money. I also don’t see myself being happy doing something that I love and not make enough money to live the lifestyle I desire to live.
And yes, money isn’t everything. But when your family net income has only been so much for YEARS, my financial well-being is always at the forefront of my mind.
Circling back to the point of this post, so much has changed in the past two years. I have “glowed up” and am extremely confident in myself physically. However, my spiritual life is lacking. While I grew up in a Christian household, I have been battling with a few sinful demons, to this day. At this point, I feel as if I can’t come out of it, no matter how hard I try. Wanting to live right in Christ is a desire of mine, and I don’t think I’m trying hard enough. And this is not to put the blame on anyone else, but there have been traumatic events in my life where I somewhat question the reasoning behind them, affecting me spiritually.
So yes, this is a rant. I should have expressed this to a therapist (which I don’t have), but I didn’t. I try to remember that there is someone else who has much worse problems than me. And while my issues may seem minor, they are a major component of my complex life.
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