#blogging while black

[samthe-onion-nigga]

Yall..

Moving is exhausting! We gotta get the whole house packed up, break down a buncha furniture, then we gotta deep clean the whole house.. then when we get to the new house, we gotta do it all again in the opposite order..

And in the meantime, we still gotta work and cook and clean and do regular life stuff..

Whilest living in disarray… Sheesh, just wake me up when November ends..

[everyoneelse-istaken]

Demisexuality means sometimes you're attracted to some bum ass dudes

So it only occurred to me, three months into my 29th year on this earth, that I am demisexual*, although I believe I’m more sexual than most of the definitions describe. 

I can definitely look at someone and think about what it would be like to have sex with them, but most of the time my brain thinks things like “I’d love to get to know them, laugh with them, feed them, and then fuck their brains out.” But most instances of instant sexual attraction ended just as quickly. I’ve only ever developed a consistent sexual attraction to guys I’ve know for a while. 

I’ve always struggled understanding how people can jump in and out of relationships and become comfortable enough to have sex within hours of meeting someone but, at the same time, I’ve always wanted to be that kind of person (I’ve never been in a relationship, I don’t get hit on, and most of my experiences has been subpar at best, sooo I have a ton of sexual frustration).

Dating is unknown territory for me. Add in my age and the current mindset toward dating/hookup culture and it feels like I’m walking in a desert. It’s exhausting hearing about other people’s experiences and getting asked why you’re still single.

But I’m rambling right now. The whole purpose of this post is to talk about when I do develop an attraction.

Considering I need an emotional connection before I actually know if I’d be interested in sex, most of the men I’ve been interested in have been completely out of my league; not only am I not confident enough to approach, most of them are celebrities or people with high follower counts. Because we get a glimpse of their personalities through interviews, game playthroughs, vlogs, etc, it because easier to assess attraction without the pressure irl dating brings. 

Which brings me to the purpose of the title of this post. I’ve been watching more gaming videos lately and realized that I’ve found myself attracted to some of the gamers (which sounds kind of pathetic once I type it out), but some of these dudes be looking grimy. They have their reasons of course. Not everyone is in the best mental state.

But for me, dexisexuality relies so heavily of personality and emotion, that someone’s appearance isn’t really a factor for me. But in this time of casual hook ups, dating apps and the like, patience is not something people are willing to have, which makes it pretty impossible for someone like me to develop a relationship and makes me loose faith that I ever will.

I want to apologize for the ramble-ness and lack of direction this post has. This was just something I wanted to jot down quickly before I lose the nerve to post. And it’s my tumblr, so what the fuck ever.

*a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone.

[neshatriumphs]

BLERD MAGIC & MADNESS

Tagging: Blogging While Black, BlerdLife, Thinking Out Loud, NeshaTriumphs

Date:  January 31, 2017

General Notes:   Blogging While Black with Nesha #1 (I have no idea if I will continue with these, but whether or not I do, I got my thoughts out tonight, at least.)  *Contains some adult language*  Photos used are not my property.  I don’t care about the fact that a couple of the characters were white in their original forms.  That doesn’t have anything to do with anything I’m speaking about here.

I personally have been having my black nerd needs met recently with Issa Rae’s glorious release of her wondrous HBO show Insecure, Donald Glover’s excellent FX series Atlanta and every single bit of news that comes through about the epic production that will be Black Panther.  So, I am in blerd euphoria in many ways.  

But, in many other ways, and most commonly, I am in a deficit.  No matter how many black lovers of nerd culture or geek culture that you ask, you will most likely meet a resounding report about the frustrations of little to no representation or undeveloped and/or underappreciated black characters.  Every now and then, we get a gem.  Sometimes, we get multiple nuggets of black excellence.

But, for the most part, we get a perpetual guard dog (Bonnie Bennett,Tara Thornton - They both died and came back for more white girl sidebar fuckery.)  We get a sidekick or support (Falcon, Lucius Fox, Storm - She ain’t get her own damned movie, but Ant Man got a damned movie?  Who asked for Ant Man?  Storm had her story penned by Eric Jerome Dickey and she can’t even get a movie?) or we might get a token.  

Tokens:  Some of them have a few lines.  Some of them have spots in the background. Some of them are featured on an episode or two.  Some of them can even come on for a major story arch… as a prop for the development of their white counterparts.  Then, some just get to be the villain. “What do you mean no POC in geek culture?  What about all of those Orc beasts in LOTR???”

I don't jump into the nerd communities so much, outside of Twitter and Tumblr circles for blerds that I've stepped into.   But, I take that position and make that determination because I can’t get with these fandoms in which Michonne - for all her badassery, Iris West - for all her intelligence, and Martha Jones - for all of her dedication – can’t be treated as human women deserving of their space in front of these audiences.

I don't know about the gamer community, but I hear that's shitty for blerds. So, on one hand, I am glad that I don’t have the hand eye coordination to be a part of that world.  But, guess who does?  My partner’s son.  So, even though we may want to avoid certain spaces because of the racism and anti-blackness or misrepresentation, because of its prevalence in these spaces - we know that someone that we like, care about, love, or even just know, might. And who wants that?

Maybe some of us do.  Because something that many people have noticed about these communities is that oftentimes, the anti-blackness gets so thick and runs so deep that it gets internalized by the black people within those circles.  This is how we get a lot of, “I’m black and I don’t think *insert this, that and the other*”  

Although I celebrated Donald Glover’s accomplishments on the FX series Atlanta, I believe that it is important to mention that while he holds title for probably the most popular blerd dude out there, he has been known to be extremely problematic and yes, sometimes a coon.  Not because he has a white partner or because he speaks articulately and does nerd shit or “acts like an oreo,” but because of some of the stuff he’s said.  (I legit will never get over that “I came when she called me a nigger” business.  Too much for me, Bruh.)  Cheers for the shout out to black people at the awards, though.  Never forget how white people acted when you were considered for Spiderman, Dude.

Remember I mentioned Bonnie Bennett - personal witch do-girl for every white human, vampire, werewolf and hybrid in all of Mystic Falls because of her “friendship” with white girl that everyone loves and wants - The CW’s The Vampire Diaries) and another poor unfortunate soul, Tara Thornton - willing to fight, kill and yes, DIE for the white girl that everyone loves and wants in Bon Temps, LA - HBO’s True Blood?  Remind me that I have unfinished business to tend to in completing a Crossover Fanfiction tale in which they team up and get what the fuck they always deserved.  

If only it could be as great as this wonderful nod by themiserablebeauty.tumblr.com

It is only a few names, out of years of seeing sparingly supplied black women in sci-fi/comic/general fandoms that I still have PERSONALLY had to jump in and defend, when they have their good and their bad, like many of the white women in the shows, or the other characters, period.  They have less development most of the times, and often go through the biggest amount of strife and yet receive the least amount of sympathy.  

Probably every black fangirl has had to wonder, when faced with the outstanding overlooking of value in these characters and/or the disgusting and dehumanizing ways that the fandoms that they reside within, why the hell can’t she be viewed like the rest of the characters?  Why is this one spec of representation that I am allowed in this universe always getting shitted on my the fans or the writers?   And, it doesn’t take very long to come up with the answer.  We have had to BE that black character in every day life multiple times.  

Underappreciated.  Undervalued.  Unsung.  We ain’t just for background feaux diversity and longsuffering sidekicks anymore.  (Big ups to Hidden Figures being a boss ass blerd magic supplement.)  

Yeah,  I personally have been having my black nerd needs met recently.  But representation is still hella limited and appreciation still falls upon us, predominantly in these circles.  Racism is just as ugly with “oppressed” white nerd types that get picked on by more socially accepted people.  And the anti-blackness some of us internalize is daunting.  2017 and beyond...  I’m not having all of that.  You can get these blerd hands.  Me and black fanboy Orlando Jones will let you know about yourselves, with a quickness.

#YallDontGiveHimEnoughCredit #IBelieveInHisBlerdnessToo

[mynxiessocialmess]

Leave Black Women On The Internet Alone, Goddamn

The original headline for this piece was supposed to be “people are so weird about Black women on the internet,” but that didn’t do enough.

[everyoneelse-istaken]

Daily Gratitude #1 | Aug 16, 2019

Three things that went well:

1. My doctor’s appointment. I woke up late but still made it, and got a prescription to help with my anxiety/depression

2. I tried a new cafe today and they have macadamia milk! My iced late was A+

3. Got a little bit of privacy and silence (haven’t really gotten any for the month of August and it probably won’t happen again until September)

Three things I’m grateful for:

1. When the doctor’s office is empty so you’re appointment is fast af

2. School/work health insurance plans

3. Weed is legal in Canada

[indepth-thoughts]

2 years ago...

As you can see, I haven’t used this Tumblr account since 2016. During this time, I was much stronger with my faith and had (well, thought I had) some type of purpose for my life. I was a sophomore/junior in college just trying to get it right and became more confident with myself.

It’s crazy how so much can change in a short amount of time. 

Now, I’m a recent college graduate who is truly confused about what I want to do with my life. This may sound very basic/nonsevere, but this is something that I’ve been battling with for longest, even in undergrad. I feel as if I’m not passionate about ANYTHING. Literally. As a postgraduate plan, I’m currently working in a field that I thought I wanted to go into and aligns with my undergraduate major. Now, I’m unsure if this is what I really want to further my career and education in. I want to be able to wake up and be happy about going into work and my responsibilities, not dread getting out of bed to go to a job I’m not a fan of. 

I also want to be happy and make money. Coming from a low-income family, I want to be able to provide for myself without having to worry about a bill not being paid or not being to enjoy myself as a young adult because I can’t pay for for certain experiences. 

I just don’t know how I can see myself doing something I’m unhappy with and make good money. I also don’t see myself being happy doing something that I love and not make enough money to live the lifestyle I desire to live. 

And yes, money isn’t everything. But when your family net income has only been so much for YEARS, my financial well-being is always at the forefront of my mind. 

Circling back to the point of this post, so much has changed in the past two years. I have “glowed up” and am extremely confident in myself physically. However, my spiritual life is lacking. While I grew up in a Christian household, I have been battling with a few sinful demons, to this day. At this point, I feel as if I can’t come out of it, no matter how hard I try. Wanting to live right in Christ is a desire of mine, and I don’t think I’m trying hard enough. And this is not to put the blame on anyone else, but there have been traumatic events in my life where I somewhat question the reasoning behind them, affecting me spiritually. 

So yes, this is a rant. I should have expressed this to a therapist (which I don’t have), but I didn’t. I try to remember that there is someone else who has much worse problems than me. And while my issues may seem minor, they are a major component of my complex life. 

Until next time 

[efabuloushb]

So perhaps I'm just a guilty pleasure for you. You don't want anyone to know (publicly) that you adore my kind of crazy. That's fair - I'm a strong cup of tea for a lot of mere mortals. Here's the thing, now you can indulge your guilty pleasure and follow my blog in your messenger inbox. It's like me writing in your inbox, but not really (you can pretend) - so you can enjoy my crazy any time you want. Good deal, yes? Good. You can subscribe to my brand of crazy at https://www.revoice.me/b/efabuloushb ... go ahead, you know you wanna. #EfabulousHB #NS

[efabuloushb]

Today I wanted to drop a video on why I joined #HAAB and where I see it going in the future. #FabWorld #HAAB2017 . . . . . #BloggingWhileBlack #Blogging #HoustonBloggers #Houston #BlackAmerican #RelevantStories #BlackGirlMagic #WeBlogYouBlog