Enneagram
Little Things the Types Do That May Annoy Others
1- They may unintentionally cause those around them to feel hyper criticized, those close to them may feel that “nothing is ever good enough for them” but for them it’s just under the guise of, “I’m making it better, I’m just helping point out the flaws in this so you can improve it.” While others can see it as, “I’m excessively targeting your weak points and always nagging you on them.”
What people should understand: They’re just as critical of themselves as they are of you. You may feel that you’re always being forced to meet expectations that are way too high. Truth is, you don’t even need to try to meet the expectations, it’s nothing to do with you, they’re not targeting you, it’s just their style- so you can relax, and every time they point something out, you don’t need to rush to meet that expectation, cause chances are, the second you complete it, they’re going to have something else to say, and it’s not that they’re criticizing you, it’s just the way they’re ingrained, strive to be good.
2- They may cause others to feel they’re overbearing, too sensitive, overwhelming, smothering, blatantly needy. It may feel very invasive to others. They’re helpful, but when they feel that people don’t need them, they’ll do the opposite of back off and kind of throw themselves at them, waiting at their beck and call, making themselves feel worse and worse but the worse they feel the more they’ll do, which is very opposite and it may cause confusion from others and annoyance.
What people should understand: It doesn’t take much to satisfy the 2. Although it may seem like it, the two throwing themselves at them to help, lingering around, it seems like they’d want something back, something big, although they may not be able to figure this out because the more they withdraw the more the 2 approaches as if there’s a huge debt lingering for their help. Truly, all you need to do is acknowledge them. A thanks, a smile, a hug, be open to them, don’t be closed off or cold, don’t be curt and dismissive, this causes the opposite. The two wants to connect, so let them. Emotionally engage them, chat for a bit, and the two has their acknowledgement and appreciation for what they’ve done, the throwing themselves at you thing is just, the more you back away the more they’ll approach because you seem distant, and they just want you to acknowledge their help, so they feel appreciated.
3- People close to the 3 may feel that they have an all or nothing attitude. “You’re only worth something if you are something.” They may place a lot of worth on anything, academic achievement, athletic achievement, etc. There’s no place for the regular people here, you’re either a winner, or you’re with the loser. This may put a strain on those close to them, and they may accidentally cause those around them to feel that they are worthless, or that the 3 views them as underachievers when really, they just have no interest in achieving those same things the 3 has.
What people should understand: The 3 has a focused viewpoint, and the 3 should also understand that not everyone is going to share this viewpoint. Their friends or family aren’t “lazy” or “underachievers” because they don’t place the same value and importance on recognition and achievement as the 3. The 3 may feel that they are motivating those close to them, calling them to action! Motivational speeches, get off your bottom and get up and become something! To the 3, it’s motivational. To others, it may have the opposite affect, people may feel that the 3 is saying you’re worthless until you are something, or you’re not trying hard enough, or you want to be just average, you could be great, when someone truly could be trying their hardest, or maybe they don’t just place the same value on achievement as the 3. The 3 feels they’re being motivational, trying to drive those around them to action, but to others, it may not feel that way.
4- Those close to them may feel that they are self absorbed (in a negative light), obsessed with being miserable, “special snowflake syndrome” , loving sadness too much and clinging to it even in the face of possible happiness because of the odd pleasure they draw from their misery. They feel that the 4 blatantly rejects good things, in favor of basking in the melancholy they’ve cultivated.
What people should understand: The 4 often cultivates emotions, as parts of their personality. Hence, the misery example. To them, the unhappiness, is not a state they can change, it is an ingrained part of their personality. They feel that they are lacking an identity, so to make up for this, they have a large range of emotions going on for them, and they pick and choose those emotions that they decide will make them up. The 4 feels inherently misunderstood, the loner, the reject. They tell themselves that no one will possibly understand them, and they take that perspective, “I am unique, I am difficult to understand and it’s great because I’m one of a kind, but I also feel flawed, because I’m not like the others, I don’t fit in as easily.” They have a great emotional depth, but also feel somewhat empty. Cultivating feelings such as melancholy helps feel that they’ve created an identity. They long for something, but they don’t really know what they long for, in basic, they love the longing itself. They’re not really attempting to cling to unhappiness, they feel that it is a built in construct of their personality and to let go- what will happen? They’ll lose their consistency, their stability- and so they hold onto that because it’s what they’ve created for themselves as an identity.
5- There’s one thing in particular that I’m going to acknowledge, having done it myself, but I’ll throw in a few others as well. People may feel that the 5 is insensitive, closed off, inconsiderate, blatantly doesn’t give a fuck, also self absorbed, cares more about what’s in their head than the people close to them. and also, gets carried away with their little analyzing and “experiments”. I’m actually going to talk about this. We’ll call this, “Mad Scientist Syndrome” and I’ll tell you about it right now.
What people should understand: The 5 actually is sensitive, deeeeep deeeep down, and insecure, and because of that, they’ve created a barricading wall of information and mastery of whatever particular interest(s) they have, to compensate for them feeling like the world is too much, and it’s like, “ok when I’m done accumulating all this data on the world I’ll go out in the world and I’ll survive bc I know so much now” except they don’t get to the stage of “I’ll go out into the world” they’re stuck at, “Need more data” cause they’re fooling themselves into believing that they’ll only be able to brave the scary world once they know enough but they haven’t learned that you can’t replace direct experience with a mental construct, but they try to, oh we try to. Anyway, basically, behind this huge wall are their emotions and care for you, they’re don’t not care for you, and on the surface they seem oblivious or indifferent to your existence but deep deep down behind that barrier they <3 you with their secretly sensitive souls. If you ask them though, even if you don’t feel like it, it’s rather simple really, if you feel that they don’t care about you at all, it’s blatantly obvious, if we really didn’t give a fuck about you we wouldn’t hang out with you or speak to you, even if we don’t say we love you, why the hell would I associate with you if I don’t give a fuck about you? Like it’s that simple really. They can also seem snappish and inconsiderate, it’s not intentional, they’re just not aware that people will take their brusque personality personally, because of how ‘absent minded professor” they are.
Now, the “Mad Scientist Syndrome” (Sorry I know 5 is seeming really long compared to the others, wasn’t intentional, just as a 5, I have a lot to add on.) When a 5 gets invested in analyzing someone, they get impersonal. Very impersonal. Leads to them doing asshole-ish things without knowing. Sort of like how mad scientists start running crazy experiments and get all insensitive and evil and lose all morality. Okay, this is that, on a much tinier scale. Sometimes, analyzing someone’s behavior, while it is objective for you, it’s not objective for the person you’re analyzing, and it’s inconsiderate to turn them into a project. I often forget that. Please remember that, 5′s. Just like on Nemo, Fish are friends, not food. People are friends, not projects :) Please keep in mind. Also, for people, this isn’t personal it’s just this compulsive thing and it’s not intentional it’s an asshole thing to do, but I forget it’s an asshole thing to do, and it’s not a personal target either, it just happens and slips out and I’m like oh shit oops, so keep in mind.
6- People close to 6 may feel that they are suspicious, convoluted, distrustful, accusatory, pushing people away, overall complicated. Extremely indecisive, anxious, and explosive. 6′s are the picture of, “feeling an emotion vs. acting on that emotion.” Type 6 really portrays the difference, because there could be a hair trigger, and they act on an emotion, which can be frustrating for others, sometimes acting on it before they even decipher if it’s “normal” (I would’ve said rational for the emotions except emotions aren’t rational at all, but usually an emotion correlates to a situation and some emotions are abnormal to situations, take anger at someone buying you a cake or something like that, although that’s vastly exaggerated.) Basically, before they decipher the emotion they’ll act on it which can cause people to want to bash their skull into a wall.
What people should understand: 6′s have somewhat of an inherent inner turmoil, this broiling anxiety and feeling of instability. They seek outer sources to quell this anxiety and bring stability to balance out the instability they feel inside. They often “test” loyalty, to see if you’re really going to support them and this is very important for them. They may act on an emotion before actually realizing what it is exactly they’re feeling, and it’s not intentional, and they’re not attempting to start an argument, while it may seem that they’re consistently seeking out conflict, they’re actually consistently seeking out your reassurance that you’ll be there for them even in their worst moments, although it’s definitely an odd way of showing it. They know they can be difficult, and they want to trust that you’ll remain in difficult times, and because of that, they often test you, grating on your patience, and when you get fed up of this behavior, they see it as you proving that you really won’t support them. They react, and they don’t want you to react back, they want to trust that you’ll be there, in spite of their reactions.
7- People may feel that 7s never focus or refuse to focus, have a lack of direction, refuse to meet their potential, are too busy chasing fun instead of applying themselves, and disorganized, and running from any obligation or responsibility at all times.
What people should understand: 7′s are versatile. While you may believe your 7 is lacking direction, and should focus, a 7 forced to focus on one thing for a long time wilts. They get bored, and antsy. 7s may seem scattered, but truly, they thrive when they’re allowed to explore, and as they’re moving, they can definitely be successful on the go. Different things at once are exciting for a 7, they’re new, and they’ll keep on pursuing new experiences. A 7 can actually, be responsible, while still being exploratory. They’re quite smart and they’ve got quick minds, which makes them excellent at navigating and jumping from situation to situation with ease. Just because they don’t focus on one thing at once doesn’t make them less successful or intellectual- their minds are very quick, while they wouldn’t prefer to pore over a text book, if they hear a few interesting facts here or there, they’re sure to remember them and spit them out. Although, I feel that 7s may have difficulty in school, and not necessarily school itself, but schoolwork, such as homework, in school it’s a structured environment which gives them no choice but to focus, but on their free time they’re likely to procrastinate away instead of focusing on writing an essay they find boring.
8- People may find 8′s overbearing, insensitive, overtly aggressive, abrasive, confrontational, and controlling and for females they might find them “overly masculine” and I dare you to say that because a female is a type 8, or just in general because she’s tough and stands up for herself, that it’s “off putting” and I’ll fuck u up myself m8. Anyway, they may come off a bit, strong, and intimidate others.
What people should understand: The 8 intimidating others is almost a challenge, and when you stand up for yourself, it’s like an unspoken truce of respect. They’re aggressive so they don’t get taken advantage of first. Offense instead of defense. “I’ll intimidate you first so that you can’t intimidate me cause you;ll be too intimidated.” It’s an unspoken show of power and dominance, I rule, don’t try to take advantage of me. They also don’t want to show any weakness, so the show of dominance and yadayadayada, so that you can’t see their weak spots. Underneath it all, they are very vulnerable, which they’ve covered with a facade, the 5 covers their vulnerability by disconnecting, the 8 covers their vulnerability by creating a facade of toughness over it. They reject others before they reject them, and go about with the tough loner attitude, and in attempting to cover up their vulnerability they become distanced from their emotional connections to others, which can lead to controlling behavior, blatant obliviousness to the emotional states of others, and insensitivity.
9- People may find 9s procrastinating, a bit too relaxed and passive, not speaking up even when something obviously isn’t okay or just letting it slide (An example, a kid does something bad in school, calls home, mom says nothing about it, and just lets it slide, dad comes home, gets angry that mom didn’t react, yadayadayada) Not voicing their opinions until later, holding things in until it explodes in 50 years worth of anger, yeah.
What people should understand: 9 wants to avoid conflicts at all costs. They don’t want to disturb harmony or cause inner turmoil, and they won’t take the slightest risk of disrupting harmony in favor of keeping the peace even in unfavorable situations, causing them to remain very passive and perceived as lackadaisical. They’ll also refuse to make a choice that they feel might disrupt the disorder until they absolutely have to- procrastinating and putting it off until they have to deal with it. With their other problems, they shove them in the corner, because they never really have to deal with them, so they’ll keep procrastinating on them until they’re forced into action. The 9 isn’t lazy, they just don’t want to take even the slightest risk of disrupting the harmony and everyone’s peace of mind, so they’ll avoid it painfully unless they’re forced to acknowledge the elephant in the room.