When I said that you were my heart, I meant the poetry wouldn’t write the same if you weren’t around. If my words ever loved me back, it will have been when you came into my life. If my poetry ever gave a solid fuck about my feelings, it will have been the day you started to call me your little brother. If I ever flatline and you still called me yours, I would like you to know, this journey has been worth every night when we couldn’t sleep. If I ever grew roses from my skull, I would like you to have them. If my voice doesn’t sound the same and you can no longer recognize it, I would ask the same questions and you’d recognize me right away. If I ever let you fall too far, don’t worry, darling, I’d become the haystack and you’ll be the needle. I’ll find you, don’t worry. And it’s been a trip, and it’s been a book, but you’ve never looked twice when it came to me. The many nights when you chose to talk to me among others and the many nights when the sky shared shades of red instead of pitch black will always be a reminder that even the sky bleeds at night. Even if we chose to break today, the words we have shared will live on forever and if I ever got another chance at fucking up everything in my life just to find you… You better believe it when I say that I’ll make every mistake just to find the one thing that I’ll never regret. I’ll fall down each time just to return to how it is now and I know it’s a long shot, but if it ever happened, I’m glad to have met you in this poetically burned life. When I said that you were my soul, I meant the trees wouldn’t be the same color. The way the leaves shed themselves every fall through winter. The way Halloween makes us mask ourselves because the ugliness we hold within has finally found a place called home. The way December added to our pain. If I ever got away with murder, it will have been because I killed myself once too many in my poems and I finally forgave myself. I meant every word of the undying wish that I’ll always find a way to grow as long as you’re around. I meant every spilled drop when I ripped open my arms and let the veins spell your name. I meant the letters were for you and only you. I know the weather doesn’t always permit, but if it rains and you’re ever sad, I want you to know, that even flowers can live near volcanos. I want you to know that fire can provide water. I want you to know that anger can somehow and someday become refined happiness. I want you to know that your younger brother is slowly growing into his own and maybe I’ve never really needed to grow too much, maybe I just needed to find myself again. I want you to know that besides being a rose, you are the poetry that I couldn’t write, but rather… You are the poetry that I would love to read forever. That’s what I meant when I said that your tore my soul open and restitched it whole. That’s what I meant when I said that you always knew how to make me smile. When I said that I loved you, I meant if everyone decides to leave you. If everyone you have ever loved abandons you. If any stranger that has befriended you betrayed your trust. If anyone who has ever touched your heart and decided that it was too broken. If religion finally realized that you weren’t a complete angel. If the sand near your toes decided to return to the ocean. If your fingers can’t remember when they were last held. If you can’t sleep at night because you miss him, him, her, him, him, him and him. If you ever miss that seed that you never got around to grow because life wasn’t meant for the both of you. If the mistakes finally carved themselves into your wrist. If the memories slowly destroy your very being because you can’t forgive yourself for being a shitty human. If your smile is fading by the hour and the caretaker you once knew, when she was standing way taller than you… but now she won’t be able to even match your laughter. If your inner child finally feels your first cut. If your outer adult finally feels your first tears. If you finally crack and can’t go on. If you finally give up. I meant that I will always love you. Even if you break. Even if you bleed. Even if you’re sick. Even if you’re lonely. Even if you have no one. Even if they all leave. Even if you’re unsure. Even if you’re frustrated. Even if you’re angry. Even if you’re indecisive. Even if you’re insecure. Even if you’re crying. Even if you can’t think. I will always have your back because you’re my best friend and I wouldn’t have it any other way. When I said that I will always love you, I meant the noose will always be ready for my neck. I meant the bullet will always have a name. I meant the blood will always stain. I meant the pain you have gone through isn’t beautiful, it’s simply you. But anything about you, it is laced with beauty. And the sadness we still endure will always have a home, it will always have a home as long as I’m around. And the black magic we write together, it will be used to put out fires, it will be used to calm the ocean, and it will be used to slow self torment. I meant if love ever made its way into my arms, I will most likely find you alone on a bench and I’ll say “it has to.” Because it does and it will and I believe it. When I said that I will always have your back, I meant you won’t ever have to be uncertain. I meant you won’t ever have to think twice. I meant you won’t ever have to be afraid. I meant you can sleep with both eyes closed. I meant you can love and be free. I meant you won’t ever have to doubt. I meant you can be anxious. I meant you can be nervous. I meant you can be you without fear of rejection. I meant you can change and I’d still love you. I meant you won’t ever need to trust again. When I check up on you everyday, I meant hello. I meant hey. I meant I missed you. I miss you. I love you. I’m here. Hi. I meant how are you. I meant how is my sunshine. I meant how is your heart. I meant how is your smile. I meant how is your mother. I meant how is your poetry. I meant how is your trust coming along. I meant do you still trust me. I meant do you still feel hurt. I meant you can trust me with your woes. I meant I won’t pry, but I will low-key try to find out if you’re okay or not. I meant if you don’t talk about it, just know that I’d still love your ways even if it meant you took forever to open back up. I meant if you ever needed to trip, I’ll be the unlaced shoes. If meant if you ever needed to die, I will be your reason not to. When I asked you “does it get better?” I meant how are you real. If you exist, then what am I? If you’re more than a mirage, then am I just another small piece of sand in the desert? If you’re a dream, am I just a nightmare gone wrong? Am I the sweat pouring from your skin or am I the rainfall you’ll feel each year when the earth splits into something that feels like everything and nothing at the same time. I meant does this room have enough space for two poets. I meant does your heart have enough cracks for a garden of roses. I meant does your smile have enough happiness to fill your lungs. I meant when was the last time you woke up with a smile. I meant if you broke today and no one was around, would you tell me? When I said that you were my darling, I meant that it’s almost been a whole year since I’ve first talked to you. I feel more now, I feel the lightness of it all. I feel okay now, I feel my wrongs but I also feel hers. I meant the first time I read your poems, I felt inferior. I meant when I read them now, I feel like family. I meant your bluntness kinda reminded me of my cousin, but now you’re bluntness kinda has its own ring. You have your own number and your own phone company. You have your own sting and your own hive. You are a queen and you are the workers. You are the trees and some days, I’m all of the leaves and it’s spring forever. When I said that your poetry was beautiful I meant I could pick it out among a million other poets. I meant I could spot an imposter an inch away from your greatness. I meant I could smell the bullshit they try to string you up as. I meant the words can never leave our veins and if we happen to trip, and if we happen to bleed for too long. Hang me up in the sky and let the rain drizzle for a little longer, don’t worry each drop is a poem and each thing we grow with this soft memory of us will always be just another reason to believe that you’re everything beautiful and pure. When I said that I can hear your smile, I meant we were children growing up that found out about the crowds. I meant we were teenagers growing up that looked for something more. I meant we lived two different lifestyles, but ended up seeing eye to eye. I meant that a family doesn’t always end up as family sometimes, because the pain isn’t always seen and the fear isn’t always said and that scares me the most, doesn’t it for you? I meant that if I were to simply disappear, I would want you to know; that even if I didn’t see you smile in person, I will have known peace because the ring of it all, the way I can hear the birds flying away when your lips decided that being quiet was enough and this isn’t going anywhere unless you told the truth. I meant that even if I became a liar and I couldn’t see myself for who I really was, I’d always have someone like you around. We’re all just lost souls trying to find a home and darling, I know people make shitty homes, but you’ve always been my favorite and it has been some time and I’ve never thought about relocating to anywhere else but inside of your lungs and you may not be able to breathe… but it must be gorgeous being you. When I said that I will always be here for you, I meant the number is always here and you know where to call. I meant the poetry is always here, you just need to write. I meant my heart is on your sleeve, you just need to feel. I meant the stars are in your eyes, you just need to see. I meant freedom is in your words, you just need to speak. I meant literature runs down your spine, you just need to read. I meant the world may be going to shit, but as long as you’re around, there’s still hope and as long as I’m around, there’s a chance that I’ll always be here for you. When I said that you need not worry, I meant don’t. Don’t worry about me. Don’t be scared. Don’t add to the stress. Don’t add to the red of Fall. Don’t look back. Look forward. I’m not too far. I’m not in the past. I’m now. I’m always. I’m forever. I’m a promise you’ll never have to worry about being broken. I’m a morning with sunlight and clouds fighting to cover your skies. I’m a night with moonshine and stardust waiting to touch your eyes. I’m your favorite song on repeat. I’m the last thing you’ll hear before bed. I’m the person checking your closet and under your bed. If monsters are real and sure enough, they are, I’ll make sure they understand that even people need space. People need room to breathe. And if they want to live, they better get out of the dark and run into the light because it’s such a tragedy if they just stopped being. We live in such colors, we live in such grey. The world is such a dangerous place, but you’ve managed to make it feel safe. The world is so flawed, but you’ve managed to make it feel perfect. I meant everything about you and I hope one day, I’ll understand everything that you’ve been meaning to tell me about myself. So when you said that you loved me too, I finally understood all of the things I’ve always meant to tell you.
I mean it. (via poetryleftbyher)
