Nikki's World of Notes

My little private space where I spill my tea/s.

[indigotulips]

I can't wait for what the future will bring us. Thank you for being the best surprise of my 2021. Love moves definitely in mysterious ways.

[indigotulips]

Dear Tita,

I wish I have known you. I wish I could talk to you my feelings for your son. I adore him. He is lost and I don't know what to do. The pandemic took him away from me. I just miss him so much.

Tita, I hope to meet you. I know that you are a great mother. Thank you for giving Henry. In time, I know I'm going to see you.

Keep shining on him. Keep watching over him. Keep him alive and value his life. Happy mothers day tita.

05.09.2021

Mother's Day

[indigotulips]

Today, my heart is broken again. I've been praying for Henry and I think it's not worth praying for. He cut me off already. Sabi ko pa naman nung December 8, proclaim lang natin. Magiging forever ko siya. Siya na yung last na mamahalin ko. Parang hindi pala.

Sa araw-araw na ginawa ng Diyos, palagi kong nakikita yung pangalan niya. Randomly. Kahit saan. Akala ko sign yun kay God na magtiwala lang at darating din siya.

Tuluyan na siyang nawawala sa akin.

Lord, ipagdadasal ko pa din ba araw-araw na siya pa rin? Parang susuko na yata ako.

April 28, 2021. Heartbreak.

[indigotulips]

Closed Chapter

10.10.2020

Hi.

Im writing this note because I was surprised about you reaching out to me yesterday. And I wasnt prepared on what to say or how to react. One thing that Ive learned from what happened is to select and be careful of the words coming from my mouth, and that was the main reason of what have happened.

I appreciate the gesture of reaching out asking for forgiveness. I accept your apology for your peace of mind and also for mine, but it will never change or revert everything back to normal.

It will never change the fact that I treated you once upon a time as a good friend, and cared for you as a friend. I hope that this experience taught you how to value friendship and be better in your relationship with other people. I also hope that you become mature as an individual, and accept constructive criticisms about yourself in order to become a better person.

I sincerely wish you all the best personally and professionally. Ive had witnessed your personal struggles and I hope you resolve them.

I am closing this chapter and let us all move forward for a better tomorrow.

[indigotulips]

Losing a family member is hard. Today, we lost you Shara. Shara, a dog. You've been with us since 2012. You lost your fight to live. Just the thought of losing you has broken my heart to pieces. I regret not attending to your needs the soonest. Ignorance is a sin. Please rest in peace, my love. Tonight, heaven pours tears. I'm broken.

I'm going to miss seeing you staring at the window, standing with your hind legs because I need to open the door for you.

I'm going to miss seeing you sleeping at the side of my chair while working at home.

I'm going to miss giving you a bath, cleaning your ears and clipping your nails when it's time to get done.

I'm going to miss you wagging your tail at me and barking as if you were crying because you want to get inside our home.

I'm going to miss making 'smiley face' at your brown round hairy spot at your back and creating your villain 'kilay' because they are funny. I'm going to miss caressing your white fur, and the 'wushupeta' you love to do.

I'm going to miss you everyday starting today.

Thank you for wonderful 12 years Shara. I'm sorry and I hope you forgive me.

[indigotulips]

Contemplating — July 1, 2020

A good team player is someone who is dependable, can work with less supervision, can work with good quality and meets deliverables on time. Also, is coachable.

Not to brag about it, but I believe that I am a good team player. I just feel disappointed when my colleagues at work do not possess this key skill.

Absenteeism, poor quality scores, not hitting monthly targets, most of all not coachable—this is the 70% of my team. People who lacks work ethics. I don't know if I just have high expectations or the management is really incompetent in dealing with these individuals.

I can only pray for a miracle.

[indigotulips]

I've been haunted in my dreams about you and maybe it's because I never got a chance to talk to you personally. I hope that writing this down will make my dreams go away for good.

I would never wish to see you or talk to you because I have nothing to say. Maybe I just want you out of my life for good. I have moved on with my life and I would never want you back because for me, you were buried on the ground.

It may sound bitter, but it isn't. Just stay safe I guess and I hope for the best. Let bygones be bygones. Good riddance. I will never see you again.

14 June 2020, Nightmares

[indigotulips]

Love Is

What is love? I have felt this many times and it is a feeling you cannot explain. It is a feeling of happiness, excitement, passion, longing for someone, anxiety, jealousy, extreme sadness, mad all at the same time.

Last November, I met this guy from an app. A dating app. I have sent him a message April 2018 because I reacted on his bio that he is good in conversations, the reason he replied few months after. He is a good looking guy, established, educated, and respectful—the things you look for in a potential partner for life. Aside from these things, we are the extreme opposites. I think this is the reason why we connect.

[indigotulips]

5.12.2020. Meltdown. Im beginning to lose hope in the project I went in.

[indigotulips]

April 16, 2020: Jeanet

Hi Net. I deactivated my fb for some time now but I heard from the people close to me of what you are going through right now. Ive been observing you for quite some time now and I try not to react in a way that you will misunderstood me because I know I almost all the time I upset you.

I cannot walk the path you went through with regards to your relationship but I emphatize what you've been through. Loving so hard is hard, I know how it feels, but you need to love yourself more and you need to create a world outside of that (former) relationship.

I know you are hurting and it will take sometime to heal. I believe there is someone out there who deserves you more. You are beautiful, you have a big heart and I know you are smart and will become better. Give your heart a time to rest and self-care: give love to yourself.

I pray for your healing and I hope we could talk once this is over. Listen to the advices friends give you. Im sure they are here to help you. Let this be an awakening and a lesson to learn. Find peace and again, love yourself more.

Virtual hugs from me. Im here to listen if you feel like you need to vent out. I care for you hindi lang halata. Sorry English haha, but yeah, I was thinking of what to say to you. Im just here Net. Please take care always.

[indigotulips]

April 5, 2020.

Dreamed of this guy named Paulo in real life but his name on my dreams is Arjay. We were buying stuff with my friend Amiel and apparrently this guy was courting me. He is a well off guy: has body guards, driver and a SUV. I want to think that he is a part of a Mafia or Yakuza. He fetched us in Quiapo (but looks like Guadalupe market and Tutuban Center combined) on the first day, dropped us off in bgc.

The next day I went to same place for another set of errands and Amiel and I splitted ways. I walked in a place like Aurora boulevard, I kept calling "Arjay" if he will fetch us. The 2 times I talked to him over the kobile phone I kept saying "Henry" and kept apologizing. The second call he told me he went to Pasig and I hear background sounds of like having drinks with friends. Told him Ill wait for him on Jollibee. Then snapped 8:48AM. I walked and walked inside the dry goods section, then saw Amiel and Ruth. I asked if time is real and they said yes. I was not sure what happened in between the night until morning on how I spent my night, if I got budol budol or what. "Arjay" never came to fetch me. Maybe he got fed up because I kept calling somebody else's name.

My dream.

[indigotulips]

In this modern world, I wish to find my Matteo too!

[indigotulips]

Something's telling me to wait for you because my sign is to see your name in random things I see everyday. I'd still pray and will wait for you.

[indigotulips]

Kathang isip, Ben&Ben

[indigotulips]

Someone

I wish to have a very sweet lover. Someone whom I can tell my stories, crack some jokes. Someone who will listen to my problems and comfort me. Someone who could pamper me but would not spoil me much. I long for someone I could hold his hands, kiss him everywhere without being too PDA. Someone I could hug because I miss him so much and I never would want him to let go. Someone I could play cards with. Someone I could sing a song. Someone I would love to travel, to cuddle and to make love with.

I haven't given up on love. And I still wish he will have a change of heart. I never stopped praying to God for him.

I always wish Henry to be that someone.

[indigotulips]

V-day. I'm still single. It feels like yeah, I'm gonna survive today, but hey, I wanna feel special too. I wanna celebrate it with someone special. Today is a mixed of happy and sad. Can someone see me?

[indigotulips]

Dear God

Tonight, I am upset. I don't know if the answer I wanted to hear was answered properly. I've been praying so hard but I am getting tired. Is he the man I need to request in my prayers?

Nevertheless I am still praying for us, for Henry and I to work out. I pray for his wisdom, his attitude and for everything he needs to pass through. Give him the strength and the positive outlook in life.

God, I pray that you are testing me to pass this trial. Give me strength to pass this. Give me patience to handle his shit and pull himself together. Let me be the beam of light and the catalyst for change.

Amen.