Diary of a Travelling mess

I like to talk about my life, and overuse commas. Join me on my journey while I try not to crash and burn.

[individuel]

Unmotivated.

I've failed. My weight loss journey has once again been hurled all the way back to first base. I haven't weighed myself in a while, but by the way I feel and the way I look I wouldn't be surprised if I have gained back all the weight I lost, if not more. The thing is, it's hard to stay on top of things when my motivation is driven by anger and self-loathe. In the past couple of months I've been feeling...content. I haven't been anxious (until today), haven't had a panic attack, and haven't hurt myself. I've been completely content with my life. And as content filled me, my motivation started to wither away and in its place came laziness. This is also my last year of uni so I've been slacking a bit since I don't really have any more classes. Most of my days are filled with a lot of youtube, Korean dramas, and Charmed. I don't even try to find the time or effort to workout or to eat healthy. Today I decided to go shopping, alone. This may sound therapeutic to most, but it can get rather stressful for me. If Im trying on clothes I'm usually rather unhappy with myself. I'm sure you all can understand why. But if I have my friends around I'm usually too distracted to care about how I feel. That's not the case today. Today I see my body for the first time in a long time (because I've been avoiding mirrors) and today every single one of my insecurities and triggers come back. The urge to hurt myself was immediate and overwhelming. I wanted to cut myself, throw my body against the wall, pull my hair out. But aside from the urge of wanting to hurt myself what scared me the most was the fact that I immediately wished I was dead. I know this may seem like an incredibly trivial thing to have such strong emotions over, but the wave of anxiety and self loathe was so overwhelming that I just wanted to punch the mirror and cut deep into my veins. I then turned around, faced away from the mirrors and gathered my things. I was trying to distract myself with the errands I still needed to run. I don't know how to end this, mainly because these feelings have not yet passed. I'm still trying to keep myself from falling into that deep dark pit that I had worked so hard to get out of. Here's to hoping that things don't turn bad again.

[fyeah-chanyeol]

© 그놈 [x] [x] [x]

[individuel]

I am Suho.

[yunggtyga]

pale // follow @yunggtyga for more // tag your friends

[mworklee]

[individuel]

My friends have better people around them. I’m just a shadow. 

[individuel]

I’ll always think that I’m not good enough. For anyone. 

[individuel]

I’m too weak for my generation. People can tell me whatever to try to convince me otherwise, but I know the truth. I know myself. I can’t handle this anymore. I want to be done. I don’t want to be apart of this anymore. It’s too hard.

[individuel]

I want to rant. I don’t know what it is that I want to rant about but I just do. I’m upset. Why do I have to be like this? I’m sick of the way I act around people. I’m sick of the way people act around me. Why am I the way I am? All this frustration, anger, hate...I’m sick of it. I’m sick of these feelings. I’m sick of emotions and I hate being numb. I hate everything. I want to be done.

[individuel]

Lost.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know who I want to be anymore. I don’t know if the people around me hate me or not. Because I know I hate myself. 

There’s a lot of self hatred in my life these days. I don’t believe that I’ll ever be able to make something out of myself. The constant paranoia of what other people may think of me...I don’t know for how much longer I can handle this.

[individuel]

It was a mistake.

It was a mistake telling anyone I had problems. I was being selfish and ungrateful. One of the things that I'm most scared of when telling any particular individual is that I might trigger something they might have experienced or they may currently be experiencing. I think I did that last night. I don't necessarily know what that individual is going through, but I still shouldn't have said anything. I hate myself for not being strong enough to handle things myself. I hate my mind for over processing every minute detail that occurs in my mind. I have not experienced ANYTHING traumatic, and yet I live life so dimly, scared, and unsatisfied. I'm a failure. I'm a coward. I hate myself.

[you-will-get-throughit]

[individuel]

When you’re internally screaming and all you want to do is hurl your body against a wall to stop whatever feeling is going through your body at the time. 

[individuel]

Celebrities?

Celebrities. A fun topic to talk about with friends, whether they’re singers, actors, or entertainers. But the thing is, every time my friend and I discuss celebrities (not their work, but the celebrities themselves) we seem to always have clashing opinions. She states that because they’re celebrities it’s hard for her to look at them as real people. It’s their job to create “an image” and many a times that “image” may not be true to who they are in real life. Although I agree with her to a certain extent, I still like to think that there’s some truth in their celebrity personas. 

I’m the type of person who likes to imagine what kind of relationship I might have with certain people (not just celebrities). I think it’s human nature to be curious about other people, so even if I don’t necessarily know a person I’d like to imagine how it would be if I were friends/acquainted with them. Would we get along? Would we hate each other? Would that person be my potential best friend? You never know what kind of relationship you’re going to have with a person until you actually meet and get to know them. I like to think about these things. It’s fun. 

[individuel]

Every single day I wonder I why I can’t be like everybody else? What’s wrong with me? I just want to be happy.

[uzurose]

[individuel]

Misconception.

A lot of people have been telling me lately how much they’ve always envied me because I seem like I always have my shit together. Apparently I seem like I always know what I want to do and what I need to do to get it, and I just seem like a happy go lucky person. 

Little do they know. 

[kpopfucksmylife]

[individuel]

I'm done. This vine has killed me.