āI remember when all of this started. I couldnāt have predicted you if Iād tried. I was so focused on myself that it took me a while to even admit I was interested in you. You were the one I didnāt see coming, and then before long, you were the one I couldnāt imagine leaving. Iāll be honest. I lied to myself and to everyone else for a long time. āWe arenāt anything serious,ā Iād say. āIām just having fun.ā How stupid was I to think that I could resist getting caught up in you? Those months that we spent together were some of the best of my life. I didnāt think it was possible for a someone to make me laugh like you did, to make me feel the way you did. You brought out a side of me I had never seen before, and even though that scared me, I didnāt want it stop. You had me so fooled. One day, just like that, you were gone, and before I knew it I couldnāt even recognize myself anymore. I couldnāt imagine how someone I had given so much to could just leave like that and not even look back. The months after that was a string of waking up and losing you all over again, telling my friends I was fine one second and crying to them the next. And the second I started thinking I was okay, I saw you again. We talked, I cried, I yelled, you cried, you yelled, and for a couple weeks I pretended that everything would be okay, and you really meant it this time and we would make it. But just like before, it wasnāt real. Realizing that took me longer than Iād like to admit, but this is what I need you to know: Iām moving on. Finally, after months of dialing your number just to talk myself out of it, I can say that Iām moving on. I wonāt listen to sad songs anymore. I wonāt look at our pictures and re-live the days we spent together. Iām erasing every trace of you. Iām smiling brighter, Iām laughing louder, and if itās the last thing I do, I swear Iāll find something thatās better than what we had. Thatās not to say that your memory wonāt knock the breath out of me on a Tuesday afternoon when our song comes through my headphones. Thatās not to say that I wonāt remember the promises you made me and want to scream at myself for ever believing you. But the difference is that Iāll recognize the pain in those memories, and then Iāll set them down and walk away. Because Iām done carrying them with me and Iām done giving you that power over me. So donāt call me up someday when Iāve finally forgotten your laugh; donāt think about me at all if you can help it. You lost that right when you made the choices you did. This isnāt some stupid love story weāll tell later down the road about how we beat the odds and came through stronger on the other side. This is done, do you understand? Iām finally done. Years from now Iāll look back on the adventures we had and laugh at how crazy we were. Iāll remember the fierce happiness I felt while we were running wild together and Iāll be grateful for this because it has molded me in ways I canāt begin to explain. Someday Iāll tell my daughter about you and pray that she learns from my mistakes, and when that day comes Iāll wonder where you are and genuinely wish you the kind of happiness that I will have found. I know youāll never read this. But Iāll read this, on those nights when it feels like everything is starting to fall apart. Again and again and again, Iāll read this and remind myself of the promise Iām making at this very moment, to look forward and stop letting your memory dictate my happiness. Someone wise once said, āSuddenly youāll just know, that itās time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.ā Well Iām trusting that this was just one short chapter of my book, and this is me turning the page. Onto the next.ā
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