Beard is the key.

Mulch Diggums, at yer service. ((Independent RP/ask blog for Artemis Fowl series. Pre-Atlantis Complex for now.))

[infamousbumflap]

((Hello, sorry, I was away for a bit there, but I am back and will reply to things soon-ish c: ))

[kiiimbe]

I bet Minerva snapchats Artemis

[pipeshidden-deactivated20180628]

Starter for infamousbumflap

"What are you doing here? Because I have work to do, and I don’t have time to babysit you to prevent you from stealing things." 

[infamousbumflap]

"Pha, ya think I'd just stride in like that if I wanted to steal from you? I have a professional etiquette, ya know."

"Some idiot down at the LEP decided I couldn't just walk away scot-free, apparently. Been sent here to do the, er, what'd he call it, 'community service'," he grimaced. "Don't tell me, not my first choice either."

[infamousbumflap]

"Pha! Such interest in the Mud boy’s lovey dovey. I wonder why no one ever asks this charming dwarf fer love advice."

[capt-holly-short]

"Thinking about either of you in a romantic relationship is truly nauseating. Although, I am curious as to what kind of love advice you would give Mulch." 

[infamousbumflap]

"Hey, now! I'm wounded, Holly - I'll have ya know I have quite the effect on the ladies. Not my fault ya can't handle all my talents."

[pipeshidden-deactivated20180628]

I’m sleepy. ((tbh Mulch is probably robbing her dklfj HELLO I hope you don't mind me popping by randomly like this))

"What the hell are you doing?" Opal asked after waking up to find Mulch Diggums in her room. 

[pipeshidden-deactivated20180628]

"How did you even get in my house?" Opal asked, calling after Mulch. 

[infamousbumflap]

"Oh, now she wants to talk," Mulch grumbled in response, peeking back from behind the corner. 

"Can’t tell ya that, I’m afraid. Professional secrets and all that," he winked mischievously at the pixie. "Why the sudden interest? Thought ya wanted out, didn’t ya?"

[capt-holly-short]

Holly clasped Mulch’s shoulder good-naturedly. She had missed the smelly dwarf and their adventures together. She almost missed the time where she had left the LEP to start her own private detective business with Mulch. Almost. 

"Oh Mulch, must there always be something in it for you?" Holly tried to sound exasperated, but couldn’t hide her smile. "I convinced the LEP to pay you a consultant’s fee for your help. We need a thief and you’re the best one I know." 

[infamousbumflap]

Mulch's mouth suddenly stretched into a wide grin, showcasing two rows of abnormally large dwarven teeth.

"Now yer talkin', Short," he winked at the elf. Sure, his occasional employment with the LEP usually brought him nothing but trouble, but, even though he'd probably never admit it out loud, it also left him with some of the fondest memories. Probably.

"So, what's the job then, eh? Sneakin' into Mudmen homes? Snatchin' fancy equipment from under fairy noses? Naggin' pompous centaurs?"

[leigh-mccoy]

"You know what I hate? The outdoors." ((Hello! Hope you don't mind me popping by like this~ ))

((HI HI NOPE FEEL FREE TO POP IN WHENEVER YOU’D LIKE :D))

"Eh, for me, I’m kind of in between. If it’s warm and sunny outside, then the outdoors is disgusting. But if it’s a foggy morning in the forest or a snow day, then getting me to stay inside will be difficult feat."

[infamousbumflap]

"Fair enough. Can't say I much like the sun either, sensitive skin and all that. Give me cloudy or, uh, undergroundy any day."

"So, uh, yer the big tough guy's lady then, eh? He's sure done well for himself."

[infamousbumflap]

dearhollyshort said: Because people want to be able to eat again, Mulch ;) H x

"Now that's just rude! There's nothin' distasteful about surprising yer lady with a nice bug out of yer beard."

[infamousbumflap]

"Pha! Such interest in the Mud boy's lovey dovey. I wonder why no one ever asks this charming dwarf fer love advice."

[infamousbumflap]

Mulch! My furry friend! How are you?

"Will ya look who it is! Well, I, uh, busy is all I can say. And not the good kind neither. Got half the Hollywood on my tail for the ol’ Oscars business. Mud men and their trophies, eh? Should be water under the bridge by now, I say. All this stress is makin’ me gassy.

And how’s the bodyguard business, then?”

[centureys-blog]

should i actually read Artemis Fowl 

[kiiimbe]

Nah, you’ll love reading D. Butler instead.

[infamousbumflap]

"I’d say try readin’ Mulch Diggums, but I never get that kind of credit around here.”

[kiiimbe]

"I pay you in hot dogs, I believe that’s enough credit."

[infamousbumflap]

"Whatever helps ya sleep at night, my tall friend."

[pipeshidden-deactivated20180628]

I’m sleepy. ((tbh Mulch is probably robbing her dklfj HELLO I hope you don't mind me popping by randomly like this))

"What the hell are you doing?" Opal asked after waking up to find Mulch Diggums in her room. 

[infamousbumflap]

"Yes, yes, I’m going, I’m going," Mulch sighed wearily, heading towards the room exit with his hands lifted in a sign of surrender. 

Just before heading through the door, however, he turned back to face the female. “I don’t s’ppose I could, uh, at least borrow it? And, err… some things?” he suggested, instinctively covering his face in case the other’s temperament suddenly willed her to throw things at him. 

[pipeshidden-deactivated20180628]

"I wouldn’t push your luck," Opal said "Get out of my house before I decide to hurt you."

[infamousbumflap]

"Alright, alright. Don't need to be told twice," he finally turned around the corner. "I mean, well, sometimes I do." And he scoured away. 

[pipeshidden-deactivated20180628]

I’m sleepy. ((tbh Mulch is probably robbing her dklfj HELLO I hope you don't mind me popping by randomly like this))

"What the hell are you doing?" Opal asked after waking up to find Mulch Diggums in her room. 

[infamousbumflap]

  "W-whatever do you mean, Miss Koboi?" Mulch cackled nervously, but then paled slightly at the mention of "consequences", whatever that meant. He was not entirely sure whether he wanted to find out, though.

"Alright, alright, no need to get yer, uh, nightgown in a twist." He set down the candlestick with a loud sigh, re-adjusting it into its exact previous position as he offered the other his brightest smile. "I was just in a bit of a financial situation is all. Won’t happen again. I think."

[pipeshidden-deactivated20180628]

"I don’t care about your financial situation, I care about you stealing from me," Opal said "I want it put back, and I want you out of my house." 

[infamousbumflap]

"Yes, yes, I'm going, I'm going," Mulch sighed wearily, heading towards the room exit with his hands lifted in a sign of surrender. 

Just before heading through the door, however, he turned back to face the female. "I don't s'ppose I could, uh, at least borrow it? And, err... some things?" he suggested, instinctively covering his face in case the other's temperament suddenly willed her to throw things at him. 

[capt-holly-short]

"Do I need a reason for visiting a friend? It’s good to see you too Mulch!" 

"Not as often, which means I’m back on some of the bigger cases. I was wondering if my old partner might be up for a case for old times’ sake." 

[infamousbumflap]

"Well, I s'ppose not," Mulch grumbled and cleared his throat to cover up any sign of getting emotional. He had his fine reputation to uphold, after all. "Though ya still have one, don't you?"

"Ol' times' sake, eh? What's in it for me, then?" he teased, clearly not really fishing for a reward. At least not, you know, a big one. He couldn't really claim he'd turn down a coin or two - for the greater good, of course.

[infamousbumflap]

capt-holly-short started following you

"The famous Holly Short. Yer a sight for sore dwarven eyes. What brings ya here?"

"Not still gettin' recognized at every corner, I hope?"

[beatricejayishere]

BJ’s eyebrows went up, staring at the person in front of her. “BJ..” She said, cautiously, crossing her arms over her chest slightly.  Her eyes narrowed slightly, then.

"Eh.. no. I’m.. Just a Mud girl…"

[infamousbumflap]

The dwarf's brows furrowed, not entirely convinced. "BJ, eh? That's a curious name if I ever heard one."

"Last time we dealt with 'just a Mud person' we ended up in all sorts of trouble, I tell ya," Mulch then cackled. "Pardon my dwarven curiosity, but ye don't seem too surprised over the situation. I take it yer not a newbie on the whole, uh, us thing then?"

[pipeshidden-deactivated20180628]

I’m sleepy. ((tbh Mulch is probably robbing her dklfj HELLO I hope you don't mind me popping by randomly like this))

"What the hell are you doing?" Opal asked after waking up to find Mulch Diggums in her room. 

[infamousbumflap]

"Errr… nothing, nothing at all," Mulch stammered, hiding the golden candlestick he had just snatched off her bedside table behind his back and quickly resorted to lying through his ginormous teeth. "Just, uh, ya know, admiring your unspeakable beauty and all that."

[pipeshidden-deactivated20180628]

"You are a terrible liar," Opal said "Please put back whatever it is you just stole. And don’t try to lie again, or there will be consequences" 

[infamousbumflap]

"W-whatever do you mean, Miss Koboi?" Mulch cackled nervously, but then paled slightly at the mention of "consequences", whatever that meant. He was not entirely sure whether he wanted to find out, though.

"Alright, alright, no need to get yer, uh, nightgown in a twist." He set down the candlestick with a loud sigh, re-adjusting it into its exact previous position as he offered the other his brightest smile. "I was just in a bit of a financial situation is all. Won’t happen again. I think."