maybe it’s no longer a question when I am googling ‘signs of a toxic relationship’, ‘signs of emotional abuse’, ‘how to heal from toxic shame’, ‘how to fix codependency’ - every week.
i think that’s a sure enough sign that I need to do more work on myself to be happy and healthier, and live a more positive life.
it is difficult to try to live a positive, happy life when you are constantly around someone who always has something negative to say. it really dampens your mood. even if it’s minor irritation from something like driving. because now you know if you get in a car with this person to go somewhere, they’re going to affect your mood by being impatient, irritated, and get angry with ‘road rage’, or whatever you want to call it. and then they don’t seem to even try to change it, either, which is exhausting in itself.
or when they blow up from minor, inconsequential things with a force of rage that seems maniacal. why is this force that shows itself always so destructive? i see glimpses of bursts of energy from this person where they have a great new idea, or something excites them, but this fades out so quickly. comparing this to the destructive energy exerted - it’s imbalanced, frightful even. it makes me sad.
something i’ve read about codependency, is that there’s this idea that can nurture codependency that ‘i can help you be a better person’, or ‘i need to be happy’, which then in turn can foster this unhealthy, co-dependent relationship. i feel a little guilty when this person suddenly abrupts with rage or anger, thinking that ‘shouldn’t i be able to help make this person better? by helping them with their emotions?’ but i think that level of personal responsibility i sometimes feel is a problem in itself. it’s not my place to change anyone, even a partner in marriage. i believe people can be there for each other, and give each other support, but it’s not ultimately up to each to ‘fix’ someone.Â
and then sometimes i feel like i’m playing the victim, blaming how i react or feel from my experience being around this negative energy. what am i doing to change it? i have complete autonomy, so why am i just complaining that this effects me so much, when i could do things to change it? i could just leave.
this is exactly what happened in my last relationship. it started out okay, but eventually turned unhealthy, and very destructive. i generally come to a time where i get really exhausted feeling so shitty, so i try to better myself/ my situation by reading stuff that helps/ calms me down, and gives me a wider, broader perspective on things. buddhism, healing chakras, psychology, zen teachings, cosmology, nature, or even just reading things about people doing stuff they’re passionate about. but then the person i’m in a relationship with isn’t doing anything to help themselves become a happier person. they’re trapped in feeling shitty all the time, or just don’t have the motivation or desire to want to change. and it’s not my place to change someone.
so it’s a tough decision to make when you have to choose between staying with this person, and youre not sure if they will ever change - and getting the courage to say that you’re not going to sit around and wait for that to happen.
I know what I want and deserve, and too often I’m being treated with far less respect and decency than I would have ever thought I’d just endure. One of the hardest things for me is having this vision and expectation in my mind of what I want in a close relationship, and coming to terms with the fact that reality does not meet my expectations at all. No one deserves being called names,
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