Still Searching @infinitely4k - Tumblr Blog

“It’s hard to let go. Even when what you’re holding onto is full of thorns, it’s hard to let go. Maybe especially then.”

— Stephen King, Joyland

welcomingdeath

night time sucks because you’re always a little 1. horny 2. sad 3. overthinking 4. wanting someone

Congratulation for fucking everything up... again.

#personal #sorry phil #i'm messing things up again #boyfriend

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Instagram:Lexx_grant

asking-the-death

You need a private talk? Just send me an ask!:)

onlinecounsellingcollege

Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and they will come forth, later, in uglier ways.

Sigmund Freud (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

Hello people! I'm kind of back :)

I'm doing great! I still have my boyfriend that I love more than anything, I'm currently in a new program at school in pastry and bakery, my boyfriend is in the same school learning cooking and I have anxiety but I'm working on that! Mm... I'm doing better emotionally speaking and I fell less empty qnd depressive than before!! I just felt like I needed time for myself away from tumblr but here I am!!

#personal #pastry school #boyfriend #anxitey #depression

Throwback 2013-14. Now I'm in a program I love at school and I couldn't be more happy I changed my school life around!

My sister and her friend told me tonight how easy my program is and how it’s for lazy people. My sister also mentionned how it isn’t hard having five days a week of classes and finishing it in two years. She said she never gave a paper work late or didn’t do it. All that got me pretty mad.

First! My program at school isn’t the easiest or for lazy people. It’s true, it’s the more general and open for the students since a lot take this one when they just want a pre-university program or when they don’t know where to go.

Second! It is reall hard for me to study. I hate school. I just want to give up but I don’t. So yes I can’t do this all in two years. It will take me three and a half year but I would have finish it all. Having five days a week of classes would kill me. So yes I only have three days of classes but it’s fine with me. Not giving a project or giving it late did happened. I won’t deny it. But it was when I wans’t feeling right. Do you really want to write a six pages work when you feel like crying all the time? When tou dont even know what you doing in life? When you regret breathing? No.

I wont say I’m the best student ever. I’m not and never will be. But it’s not a reason to tell me in my face how easy classes are when I was rushing and wanted to give up. I’m doing what I can with what I have of motivation. I want to give up but I won’t. Don’t tell me how easy it is for you when it isn’t for me. My sister already had it easy. She’s good at school and find it simple. I’m not like that and she doesn’t understand that. Heck I even felt the tears went up my eyes when I was telling her how she doesn’t understand. I’m not perfect and I never will be. I am already anxious to the point I cant call to take an appointment to the clinic. I feel insecure almost all the time. I feel like shit. But im breathing and I’m trying to take it as a good thing.

#personal #school #family #anxitey #depression

Back in 2014

I talked with a family friend about my troubles and insecurities. I told him I am not well and like my father. My father has depression and he won’t try to get help. He even said he would have commit suicide if it wasn’t for us, his children. Not my mom but the children. I told our family friend I am lile my father. A similar situation, a similar attitude. The difference is I try to get better. My dad doesn’t really try. I told the man I’ve known all my life how I can’t talk to my mom. She has enough with my father. I can’t bring her more pain. I already did enough.

That man I trust like a family member told me something that brings me tears each time I think about it; “a child should never worry about his parents. They can find help anywhere, but a child should always rely on them. You shouldn’t protect your mother. She is able to protect herself and her job is to protect you too. So stop trying to be strong and independant and go talk to her. You love her and she loves you, but you are still just a child. So do not protect her, but yourself.”

#personal #depression #anxitey #family

I wrote this years ago I think and it turns out I really do suffer anxiety… yeah!

I think I’m starting to have anxiety troubles… each time I do something else than working or staying home I get sick. It feels like I’m always about to loose consciousness.

#personal #anxitey #anxiety