This is the INFP with low self-esteem again. Thank for you last response; it was helpful. I have another problem, this time with my older brother. He is socially awkward, antisocial, detail-oriented, present- or past-oriented, focused on organizing his external environment, controlling, and cares about facts related to things, not people, so I type him as ISTJ or IxTP. I see Si and Te more, but what looks like Te may be a Fe grip. His functions are probably unhealthy. (End part 1).
[con’t: He is hard to type because I don’t know much about him, but those are my best interpretations. He also has some type of mental issue, preventing him from feeling empathy. My problem with him is he copes with people-related problems by viciously trying to tear others down. He does this to me and other family members. If something doesn’t make sense to him in a logical way or matter to him, he sees no use for it and tries to dictate to others that they need to stop. For example, I took up a new aesthetic hobby. He forcefully stated that I shouldn’t have this hobby. This is despite the fact that he has no association with it, aside from living under the same roof. I’m mindful enough to make sure my hobby doesn’t cause problems for anyone, but he takes an all-or-nothing approach to me even having it, which isn’t reasonable. I don’t care that he holds this opinion, but I do care when he dictates with such force that he expects me to bend to his demands.When that happens, I tend to slip back into a Te-grip. I struggle with people like this in general, especially when I defend my healthy boundaries and they insist on steamrolling them down in return. It gets scary when the “this issue isn’t up for debate, I’m walking away now” approach doesn’t end the problem permanently. If that’s supposed to be effective, maybe I’m just not doing it right..? I hate internalizing this and want to learn to deal with this behavior in healthy ways.]
Sounds like he’s bullying you? Do you know why bullies bully? Bullies operate at the lowest levels of ego development, completely unable to see past their own experience, so other people are just objects to them. They are insecure people who are emotionally driven by the pleasure-pain principle. They can only understand the world through a reductionistic model that measures human worth according to a hierarchy of “power to inflict pain” (Te and Fe can both learn this model, though they may choose different tactics). In their mind, the higher the position you can secure in the hierarchy, the better you can avoid pain. This means that bullies have no substance within, they can only derive self-esteem through feeling superior to others and, on the flip side, it means that their biggest fear is feeling inferior to others. They do not respond to diplomacy because they mistake kindness for weakness. Kindness involves opening yourself up to feeling for others and being affected by them, and they believe that being affected by others is a vulnerability that can be exploited, essentially granting the other person power over oneself. They are incapable of kindness for the simple fact that they deeply fear the vulnerability of openness and, instead of confronting that deficiency honestly (i.e. by understanding that confronting your deepest fear actually means being courageous not weak), they project their fear and perceived weakness onto you. They will exploit you in the manner that they fear being exploited, hoping that if they do it to you first, they will rob you of the power to do it to them, thus “neutralizing” you in order to maintain their “superior” position in the hierarchy. Any time their bullying behaviors keep you in an inferior position, any time they can affect you and get a rise from you and feel power over you, it is a reward for them, an encouragement to keep doing it. It can even become like an addiction as they learn to sniff out people who are “weak” and exploit them for personal pleasure and self-esteem.
You must deal with people in the language that they understand best in order to get the result you want. The only language bullies understand is power. It is a difficult situation for you because inferior Te means that you do not speak this language very well but, Te is there, and you can use it when you need it. It is an issue of NEED, not an issue of WANT. Your Te is like the pepper spray in your pocket: you shouldn’t run around spraying everyone just because you are unhappy with them, rather, you should only use it when you absolutely need it for preserving your own safety and well-being. However, Fi-Te often fears becoming the thing that one hates, to lower oneself and become the bully in the process of defending oneself. This is why it is important that Fi and Te always counterbalance each other. Fi tells you that you need to protect yourself and Te gives you the means for doing it. As Te carries out the plan, Fi keeps you honest by telling you when you’re going too far, i.e., when it is no longer about protection and more about revenge or deriving pleasure from inflicting pain. Fi tells you when to stop, as long as you can remain in touch with it.
Understand that his behavior has absolutely nothing to do with you and that his words/actions should never define anything about you, then you won’t internalize. For the pathetic and non physically violent bullies, it is often enough to either ignore them with indifference (i.e. don’t satisfy their competitive impulses or buy into their “hierarchical” thinking) or coldly shout them down to shut them up (i.e. teach them not to mistake your kindness for weakness). For physically violent bullies, it is usually better to avoid engaging unless you are capable of physically overpowering them (but physical safety should always be a priority). Detach yourself emotionally from them but don’t run from them or else you show your “weak” position. Make it clear in words and action that they are nothing to you, then they may no longer get pleasure from bullying and move on. If you can overpower a bully and put them in their place, then do so and walk away, don’t start a drama with them. If you can’t, then at least don’t feed into their pleasure - show a brave face and stand your ground as necessary. If you can enlist the help of a person who is higher up and has the power to control the bully, then consider how to use that to your advantage.


















