Type Theory

Please read the pinned post "Note to New Readers" before contacting me

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*Note to New Readers

This blog is about Jungian type theory, analytical psychology, and personal growth. Most of the Q&As discuss problems related to personality, so I don’t recommend following unless you can handle such content. Note that some people are mistyped, so avoid overgeneralizing from their experience. 

Knowledge of cognitive function theory is often required for following the discussions and I have provided introductory guides for newbies on my blog. Use the site index (mbti-notes.tumblr.com/masterposts) to access information about: type descriptions; cognitive functions; type development; relationship issues; emotional well-being; learning issues.

Anyone wanting to submit a message/question must follow the guidelines on the contact page at mbti-notes.tumblr.com/contact. I get more messages than I have time to respond to, so I omit any that are repetitive, irrelevant, or easily searchable. It may be faster for you to search the blog yourself than to wait on my reply. To request my help with type assessment, follow the submission instructions on the contact page to write up a detailed profile for me to analyze. I won’t respond to assessment inquiries unless the instructions are followed.  

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Anon wrote: Hi mbtinotes, First and foremost, I want to wish you a peaceful, healthy, and happy life. I’ve been browsing the internet for years and have known about MBTI for quite some time, but it wasn't until I found your blog that I was convinced it’s actually a well-grounded theory built on logical foundations. From that moment on, finding my personality type felt truly meaningful and worth researching. Thank you.

Through extensive research, seeking out feedback, and looking for tangible evidence—just as you outline in your guide—I’ve concluded that my personality type is INTJ. I am 22 years old. However, there are a few questions weighing on my mind that I wanted to consult you about.

1) Ever since childhood, I’ve struggled with what is known as Maladaptive Daydreaming (MD). I don't even remember or know when it started. All of my siblings share this tendency as well; I'm not sure how much scientific research supports this, but it honestly feels genetic. That being said, I don't want to make an ignorant assumption—it's just my own observation.

On your blog, MD is naturally often linked to the Ne function, though I’m not entirely sure if we are using the term in the exact same sense. In my experience, it's triggered by music, and involves walking around or making various facial expressions while immersing myself in scenarios where I am cool, successful, or admired. I can’t believe I’m actually admitting this to someone. As a child, I hated this about myself out of fear that people would think I was losing my mind, so I kept it strictly under wraps. Even now, I don’t share it with anyone outside my family. Yet, at the end of the day, I always find myself right back there—lost in a daydream where I am incredibly successful and deeply admired.

Do you think this is normal or common for an INTJ? Could I be mistyped because of this? Other than this specific behavior, I have virtually no tangible evidence of using Ne, nor do I suspect I have it in any other way. In fact, I generally find high Ne users a bit flighty and overwhelming.

2) Right now, I am not in a financial position to afford therapy or professional support. How do you suggest I cope with this? I suspect that developing my Te and engaging more with the real world might help alleviate it, but it has become such a deeply ingrained habit, and I’ve had it for so long, that a part of me is actually afraid to let it go. I have never known a life without MD, and I honestly don’t know if I can ever find the intense rush of achievement in the real world that I get from these imaginary rewards. This is compounded by the fact that I also struggle with loneliness and lack the kind of friends I truly wish to have.

To be fair, I've always been a high achiever and have consistently received academic praise, so I wouldn’t say my life is a failure. Yet, this is something else entirely. On one hand, I feel terrible, viewing myself as a loser, a coward, or an addict. On the other hand, I just can't seem to give up the fake dopamine hits I get from these artificial scenarios. I think what scares me most is that I can't clearly see the long-term damage this might be causing me.

Thank you in advance. Take good care of yourself.

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With regard to mistyping, I can't really comment on that unless you submit a proper type assessment. What I can say is that maladaptive daydreaming (MD) does not preclude Ni/INTJ. MD is not Ne-related nor causally linked specifically to Ne. MD is its own issue and the Intuitive function, whether Ne or Ni, is merely a vehicle through which it gets expressed. In other words, MD isn't really about N but about some deeper psychological issue at play.

It is very likely that two people talking about MD aren't talking about the exact same thing because MD is not an official psychological diagnosis. As far as I know, there is no general consensus about its etiology, distinguishing characteristics, or best treatment practices. Although most psychologists would agree that MD can be a real problem, it isn't well-understood or well-researched on its own.

I'd say that, in many cases, MD is merely a symptom, so targeting MD alone isn't likely to work as long as you're not grasping what the root causes are. There's some promising research that explores MD not as fantasy-based but as a compulsion, perhaps linked to disorders such as anxiety, OCD, or addiction. The way you've described how you're unable to quit MD is actually supportive of the notion that it could be a kind of addictive behavioral pattern.

The longer an addiction is left to fester, the more it starts to distort the mind and interfere with rational thought. Addiction makes people more short-sighted, more focused on immediate gratification at the expense of long-term goals. As a result, they become worse and worse at weighing pros/cons, benefits/costs, or rewards/punishments.

Essentially, it becomes easier and easier to convince oneself that the fake reward is all that matters and that real negative consequences don't matter. Is this the path you're on? You'll have to do some honest self-reflection. A stronger and stronger preference for fantasy will eventually make you unable to be fully present in reality, won't it? Can you envision how this problem could escalate into something serious?

The point you raised at the end is important because you're talking about the fine line between "normal" vs "abnormal" behavior. At what point does daydreaming go from harmless to harmful? Generally speaking, psychologists tend to measure disordered behavior based on how disruptive it is to a person's daily functioning. If a behavior doesn't interfere with your life in any practical way, then perhaps it's not a "pathology" that you need to worry about.

However, keep in mind that people can often be in deep denial about how harmful addictive behavior is, or maintain a state of willful ignorance about negative consequences. You haven't provided enough information to determine whether your case has reached the level of a disorder that requires intervention. But the fact that it bothers you should be enough reason for closer examination.

Taking my psych major hat off and speaking from the cases I've encountered, I'd describe MD as a coping mechanism. Coping mechanisms are mental strategies people use for managing stress. Of course, some coping strategies are healthier than others. A good coping strategy acknowledges and addresses the problem properly.

If I'm right about MD as a coping mechanism, the key question for self-reflection would be something like: "What is MD helping me cope with?" The answer will differ by individual. There could be a variety of stressors that contribute to the formation of chronic MD, for example:

unresolved trauma

recurring negative emotions

low self-esteem/self-worth

general unhappiness

boredom, restlessness, or ennui

lack of fulfilling activity

lack of connection

lack of community

experiencing prejudice/discrimination

dealing with adverse life conditions

lack of opportunity

multiple failures

thwarted goals

chronic fatigue or burnout

As you can see, the way to address MD would look very different depending on what the underlying issue is. Someone with low self-esteem would have to work on their self-confidence. Someone with poor work-life balance would have to take a long hard look at their priorities. Someone who is existentially unfulfilled would have to look for more meaningful ways to spend their time.

You mentioned loneliness, which is significant because it is a plague of modern times. Loneliness is a universal emotion that results from not having enough social connection and belonging. There is really only one proper way to resolve the problem of loneliness, right? Get out into the world and build the meaningful human connections you need.

Is this related to type development? Are you being faced with a choice between Ni dysfunction (+ Fi loop self-indulgence) vs Te corrective measures? This could be about underdeveloped Te insofar as Te should be quick to identify a problem as well as quick to implement the most rational solution to it.

For example, if the underlying problem is loneliness, is MD the best solution? I don't think so. In fact, it is self-sabotaging because your relationships won't get far if you can't be fully present in them.

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Anon wrote: Hiii mbti notes, I hope you're doing well! Could you maybe help me type Alysa Liu?

Alysa Lius is a 20 year old American figure skater and olympic golf medalist. She has clear Fi and Te. Although I cannot tell if she is an ExFP, or IxFP type, or which one exactly. Mainly people think she's an ENFP or ESFP.

I was debating her type with my friend and she also thinks she's an ENFP, but I can't help to think that she's an xSFP, but neither of us is 100% sure either.

I do agree with the fact that her takes and her longer talks are usually not as based on the concrete and real, but she bases her takes more on her values and the subjective realizations they led her to, rather then hope or fascination of possibilities she found in the environment. I'd say she's an ISFP with very healthy tertiary Ni and a great work ethic, mainly due to how she clarifies that she's very passionate about figure skating.

[I think you're too quick to reject the counter-evidence here. Things like "not based on the concrete and real" and a tendency to generate or value "realizations" or epiphanies strongly imply N.]

But what makes me doubt if she’s an ISFP is because she has previously stated how she spent a lot of her life doing what others expected her to. And that's not a usual place where a dominant Fi user would find themselves in, especially how she says "most of her life" so it wasn't a short term situation.

[Correct. This is more true/common of ENFP than ISFP.]

I still can't quite place exactly why she felt a need to do so, but I think it might stem from a tertiary or inferior Te function. Where she sought external validation when she was younger, maybe because she wasn't as capable or as confident in her own Fi expression. Whereas now we see her expressing herself, at least it's what it seems as we cant really ever know for certain.

[This starts to sound like you're twisting things to try to make the type fit, which is usually a sign of being on the wrong track.]

I cannot quite place the source of her happiness, whether it is achieved primarily through Se experiencing of powerful sensations or Fi expression through her sport of choice and style and honesty to her values.

[In healthy individuals, the source of happiness ought to come from both the dominant and auxiliary combined. It is only unhealthy individuals that believe it has to be either/or.]

But I am quite certain of her use of Fi, Se, Ni and a previously unhealthy use of Te.

But I don't think the issue she had with Te was tertiary, from what she said of spending most of her life doing what others expected her to, and the way she expresses how important it is to express herself and follow her values it does seem like someone who was, like you stated in the section of loss of normal and healthy dominant Fi functioning:

I feel as though who I am is a liability.

I am unable to see any of my positive qualities.

I am too weak/negative to get my life together.

And then, today, through this she learned the importance of Fi expression, and how that was her guide in a way. Through reconnecting with her Fi, she found a new appreciation for figure skating as an expression of it through Se. In this she found a healthy use of Ni, which we can hear in her takes on life.

[I would say this actually points more to auxiliary Fi and tertiary Te. It sounds like she "discovered" the true power of Fi (through development) rather than "reconnected" with it. You have not provided sufficient evidence that Fi was very present at the beginning of life and was then "lost" via inferior grip. To lose the dominant function for many years would be extremely abnormal and require proper explanation. It would also tend to manifest in very severe mental health issues that should be readily apparent.]

Previously, at 16 she no longer loved figure skating, and announced her retirement. I think this was the point she refers to when she says that she previously did what others expected of her. And that left her with a tainted Te view of what figure skating meant to her, perhaps through negative memories and feelings. [indicative of Te loop]

She then tried other things, but states how nothing felt as challenging as figure skating. So at 19, she went back to figure skating but through her Fi, and not Te. [indicative of breaking Te loop]

Some quotes from her are:

" Listen to your heart and your soul. You know what's best. And trust yourself."

This seems like a healthy use Fi and Ni. She seems like an extraverted perceiving dominant, but her Ni just seems far too present and positive in her life contrary to the possibility of tertiary Te.

[Fi yes. Not seeing Ni, though. Counter-point: I wouldn't say that platitudes akin to "listen to your heart" are necessarily Fi-related. Do you know which type I've heard this platitude from the most? ESFJ! The importance of being true to oneself is a common realization people come to as they grow into adulthood, i.e., it's a sign of becoming more independent. On its own, this is weak evidence of FP.]

"Everyone has to take their own path. But I will say taking a break and stepping back, getting a new perspective really helped me as a person. And helped me understand myself. I got to explore new areas, new hobbies, and interests, and that’s what life is all about. Trying new things and learning. And I think that everything, even my last skating career and the time I spent away from the sport and coming back to the sport…just, everything has led to that performance.”

This quote though, it makes it seem like an Ne perspective, and my friend used it to explain why she's an Ne dom.

[I agree with your friend. It's not just Ne but also Si, in building a coherent narrative of one's life from the past until today. Again, too quick to dismiss counter-evidence.]

But it took her a long time to realize that she could find a new perspective, it was something that didn't come naturally to her, she didn't feel challenged, realized that figure skating gave her that sensation, and then she realized that she could do it differently this time.

[Ne doesn't necessarily mean it's easy for someone to change their perspective; it only makes them more open to entertaining ideas. People can stubbornly hold to one perspective for all kinds of reasons, some unrelated to personality. Also, don't forget that Ne is only one function in the stack. Si can play an important role in limiting one's perspective depending on the person's ego issues and/or life circumstances. E.g. A person can't really expand their perspective even with Ne if they've been made to live in a bubble. Oftentimes, athletes who start their career very young essentially live in a bubble.]

“I love struggling, actually. It makes me feel alive.”

She very often states how struggling makes her feel alive, the intensity of it. This need for an intense sensation, so often expressed by her, it seems more like an Se-Fi expression.

[I would interpret this as healthy Te, not Se, and unlikely to be inferior position. It would be more supportive of Se+Te in ESFP than ISFP.]

“It was more than just work. It was experience. The last time I was skating, it was so rough. I genuinely cannot even begin to start on it. It took a lot to get to this point. And yes psychology and school really did help.”

She doesn't really seem like someone who experiences the world through possibilities, or finds happiness in a sense of hope. But more through active experience and true sensation, from her Se and Fi interacting together in a sort of beautiful symphony I think. I think her insights come from an Se-Fi experience that led her to find a deeper truth in her life through healthy Ni, a guiding light in a new way to lead her action, a purpose and deep truth.

[I think you may be reading too much into this quote and perhaps attaching your own interpretation. Objectively, the quote is very vague. Being short on detail (which in itself may indicate N > S), I'm not seeing hard evidence of Se and Ni. When she uses the word "experience", it's also possible she means learning from accumulation of experience, as well as grounding oneself in experience, which would be Si, not Se.]

“Being grounded is really what keeps me. And I love exploring other hobbies. Doing side quests and what not. It keeps me curious.”

Again, this really seems like someone who loves the simple joys in life and human experience. It reminds me of the scene from the movie Soul where 22 was trying to learn what life was about and then finally realized that they were experiencing the joy of life in the simplest things.

[Again, too quick to dismiss evidence that suggests N. "Curious" is not generally used to characterize Sensors. This is not to say Sensors can't be curious, only that it's not a defining characteristic or something that helps them with type development to any great degree. It's possible that she learned how to use Ne in a more healthy and mature way, as opposed to an overly ambitious or perfectionistic way.]

I might be wrong of course, but I think she is an xSFP. Please correct me if I'm wrong and if you have time I'd love to hear your thought process on her actual type.

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Everything I know about her is what you've just told me, so I'm not sure how much help I can be. My comments above have pointed out some potential issues with your reasoning.

You've tried your best to bring up great evidence but, unfortunately, I don't think it's sufficient to reach certainty. There just isn't enough detail about early dominant use and inferior grip (during her lowest points). These type development gaps in the timeline must be filled.

Most strikingly, there is scant evidence of Ni, especially when put in contrast with the evidence that suggests Ne. Ni should be more apparent for ISFP. Since the evidence also suggests that Te is unlikely to be inferior, I'm comfortable ruling out ISFP.

If I had to choose between ENFP and ESFP, I'd go with ENFP because the evidence for Ne is stronger than Se. However, given the gaps I mentioned, I wouldn't draw this conclusion with confidence. With the uncertainty about N and S functions, it's also still possible there's another type that fits even better than ENFP.

Sorry I can't be of more help

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Anon wrote: Hello mbtinotes, I hope you’re doing well. I’d like to get some advice regarding my relationship with my INTJ girlfriend. This might get a bit long, so thank you in advance for your time and patience.

I’m a 28 year old ENTJ male. My sister, who is an INFJ, practically forced me to learn about MBTI and look at people through a different lens. After a while, I actually got into it myself and started reading your blog as a hobby. I don't check it all that often, but it has definitely found a place in my life. Plus, it finally helped us find some common ground regarding my emotional insensitivity, which she has been complaining about since our childhood.

Based on both the tests she took and the almost-uncomfortably thorough questioning my sister and I put her through, we typed my girlfriend of 8 months as an INTJ. That's what we’ve settled on, though it’s so hard to read her that I can't even be sure. Still, I love my girlfriend very much, and this is the longest relationship I’ve ever had, but something just feels off.

The first major issue I'm experiencing with her is that no matter how hard I try, I just cannot seem to get inside her head. What I mean by this is, whenever I ask her a question, she stares off into space and spends a long time thinking, only for very brief, simple, and dismissive answers to come out of her mouth. I just can't understand what the issue is with her being honest and open with me. Even though I’ve confronted her about this multiple times, she just looks away and says, "What can I even say?" Usually, when she’s sure she's right about something, she defends herself fiercely, but that doesn't apply to this situation. She acts strange. We met at work, and I originally noticed her because of her brilliant, original, and deeply logical ideas. On top of that, you should see how she speculates and has fun when she’s watching a movie with her own sister (I was in the back room and she thought I was asleep) she actually takes the time to talk and analyze things with her. When she watches something with me, she only rarely says, “It’s going to end like this.” or “He is the killer.” She's right, but that's not the point. Why is this communication not happening with me? When she acts like this, it makes me feel worthless and unwanted, which are feelings I’m really not used to. Usually, when she’s upset about something, she tells me. I honestly cannot figure out the reason behind this.

Another issue is that she is incredibly spiteful, stubborn, and self-absorbed. This might sound like the same problem, but for instance, when we were alone recently, she said of a colleague, "I really dislike that woman." When I asked why, she said, "She’s fake, everything she says sounds like a lie." When I pushed further and asked how she came to that conclusion, she dismissed me again, saying she either just felt it or just knew it. This is not enough for me. Also, she accused me of not trusting her. I have no intention of putting my mind and judgment in anyone’s hands, and what does that have to do with trust? So, I asked, "Do you actually have any concrete proof?" At that point, she got aggressive and said, "What kind of proof do you expect for something like this? Should I cut her open and show you her heart? There's something off about her, and if you don't mind, I’d like to keep thinking that way.”

These examples could go on and on. They might be small things, but they really bother me. The most frustrating part is how she avoids explaining things and isn't as confrontational or open as I'd like. Telling her directly about my discomfort doesn't work, are there other ways I can communicate this to her? Interestingly, she is actually more polite and harmonious with other people, like my sibling and her own sibling.

Thank you.

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You seem to be describing emotional unavailability. It's a serious red flag in relationships. If a person recognizes the problem and is motivated to improve, then there may be a chance for you to participate in that growth, as part of building intimacy in the relationship. However, there's not much you can do to open someone up when they are determined to remained closed up.

What you need to understand is that emotional unavailability is not about you or what you have/haven't done. It's not a reflection of your value, worth, or quality as a partner. It sounds like you have done what you should've in raising the issue and expressing yourself. But you can't force someone to confront an issue that they simply don't want to confront.

Assuming that the types assigned are correct, what your interactions seem to suggest in a nutshell is that your Te tends to bother her because hers is underdeveloped. If she is also prone to Fi loop, it makes her doubly resistant to developing Te and that much more irritated with being constantly reminded of the problem. In case it needs to be said, her development issues are not your problem to solve.

Generally speaking, when the auxiliary function remains underdeveloped in adulthood, it coincides with being stuck at lower levels of ego development as well. People at lower levels of ego development have fragile egos and don't like the feeling of being challenged. Challenges are perceived as a threat to ego stability, and ego stability is necessary for stable mental health.

Such individuals tend to only open up to those they perceive as non-threatening or "inferior" to themselves because it allows them to feel completely in control of the relationship. This means they will tend to be closed off to people they perceive as being "challenging" or "better" than them (at the things they take pride in). If you get branded as "challenging" by them, it means you are "unsafe" to open up to.

For instance, Ni doms tend to take pride in being "insightful" through making Ni-related connections and predictions. When you step up with your Te and ask for empirical evidence of their intuitions but no such evidence exists (because they don't value Te as much as you do), immature Ni doms will unconsciously take this as a challenge to their identity.

As you have experienced, being put in a position of vulnerability against your will, of having to question your own value or worth, isn't something anyone enjoys. Threats to the ego are painful. This is not to say you are the one inflicting pain, though. Again, you are not responsible for other people's development issues.

The qualities you were initially drawn to in her are fine qualities indeed. However, you might've been blind to the fact that those qualities are not particularly relevant to building a successful romantic relationship. People need to learn specific knowledge and skills to make a romantic relationship run smoothly. She doesn't sound very relationship-ready.

To address a problem effectively, the first step is to face facts. After pressing her, it's become obvious she's not willing to change. If that's the case, you'll have to do some self-reflection and determine whether this is a status quo you can live with. If it is, make peace with who she is and accept her as is. If not, this suffering is likely to recur until such time you decide you want better for yourself.

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To @lifescrewsmeoversoletsrelate, I don't know why you deactivated your account before I had a chance to reply to your message. I hope things are still going well for you. And if they aren't, I hope you are more knowledgeable now and can get yourself back on a good track more quickly than before.

You said you were struggling with procrastination and was wondering whether focusing on Ni development would help. You also said you weren't sure about the root cause, which unfortunately makes it difficult for me to suggest the best solution.

Being disciplined isn't easy, even for the most disciplined people. What does it mean to be "disciplined"? Oftentimes, it means doing what needs to be done for the sake of a greater goal, as opposed to doing what you want to do in the moment. In this sense, Ni development may help as it makes you more future-oriented. However, the fact is nobody can go against their wants/desires continuously and not struggle with inner tension and conflict. You're not a robot.

Yes, there are people who are good at ignoring inner conflict, as you mentioned with your ESTJ friend. But you are not one of those people. You aren't Te dom and never will be. This is something you must accept so that you don't judge yourself unfairly by Te dom standards. Don't forget that ESTJs bring a whole other set of problems upon themselves by working themselves to the bone.

For Fs, the key to being disciplined often lies in finding a personalized work-life balance. I understand your fear about being too lax, since it means you might not realize your aspirations. However, the same is true about being too stringent. Being too strict with oneself is a common way Fs sabotage their own success, with perfectionism being one possible manifestation.

Remember that the more you try to deny or bottle up your wants and desires, the more they will eventually rise up to control you (via Se grip). Having healthy and mature Ni means understanding that everyone has their own path and they must travel it at their own pace.

This relates to emotional intelligence insofar as you have some lessons to learn about self-compassion. Self-compassion isn't about being lax or indulgent but about:

accepting your humanity

being forgiving of human error

listening to feelings that indicate you've made poor decisions

understanding your strengths and weaknesses

respecting your limits and limitations

Being human, you can only work for so long before you need to rest and recuperate and recharge your energy. When your schedule doesn't allow enough time for rest and play, it becomes harder and harder to stay on track with work.

Taking time to care for your mental health is essential for being at your best. Being in an optimal state of mind to work doesn't just happen magically. It is a state of mind that must be nurtured and cultivated by delicately balancing ALL the important things in life that need attending to. Procrastination often means you're neglecting something important, so take it as a warning to pay better attention to it.

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Anon wrote: Hi. I'm the INTJ from this question post 816080019448299520. I hope you can open the link. Well, It's only been a short time since I asked. But you've made great points with your answer. Thanks to you about that. When I read what you wrote, I realized that a part of me had been thinking the same things, and I wasn't very surprised but i can be mistyped. To be honest over the 8 months, i've been searching about my type and i followed the guide and i ended up at INTJ. Yet, i can be wrong as well. But the problem is i already searched carefully and i don't think i go further on my own. If I were to explain my reasons for typing myself in this way, could you give me some insight into which functions I might be misunderstanding and which types I might be wrongly dismissing?

INTJ

Ni - Unlike my sister, as a child I had a great interest and admiration for religion and theology. I found myself spending most of my time thinking, researching, and reading many books on the philosophy of religion, the foundations of logic, the existence of the universe, the purpose of our lives, and the purpose of our creation. When I was 8 years old, I was searching for evidence that God really existed, because I didn't want to have a belief that had no foundation, since I knew I would build my whole life on it. I loved imagining my adult life. When I asked my religious teachers simple, fundamental questions that could easily be answered with logic and philosophy today, they would say, "Why are you so skeptical? Be a little more devout." I didn't care at all. There wasn't a single day I didn't think about and research these topics. I had a notebook where I was making up logical equations, like "this cause must lead to this result," and when I showed them to my family, they said I was exaggerating a bit, that I was overdoing it. Even though my access to the internet was limited at that time, the most important and valuable resource for me was the people online because I wasn't convinced without logic. But I observed that most people and resources online were just like my immediate environment. Still, after much research, I found a few reliable sources and was very satisfied. I was constantly thinking about the logical answers I received to my questions.This situation was reflected in my education and academic performance. I was already considered an intelligent and well-behaved student, but I excelled in philosophy, logic, and mathematics classes, earning great praise. It's very difficult for me to see things as they are. I used to think that objects, people, and events were merely false images, concealing their true nature and what they will become in the future. I still hold that opinion, although I now understand that it's not that simple, and sometimes an object can be just a simple, meaningless, and potentially worthless thing. It depends on what you're aiming with them. And the present state of an object is actually the future of a past. So the present is also a future. So, the high potential I used to automatically see in everything is no longer there, and I carefully examine and select everything. When I hear new information, I need to examine it for a long time before accepting it, which is why, according to my sister, I'm a stubborn person whose opinions are very difficult to change. Sometimes I spend hours analyzing and philosophizing about a single event in my head. I always have visuals in my head. Maybe that's why I never feel like I can fully express myself. At some point when I was a child, I completely gave up on doing that and found ways to ignore people. Frankly, once I was convinced, I didn't care about convincing others or explaining things when they didn't understand. My friends hate watching TV shows or movies with me. I can quickly guess the ending, and it's usually right.

Te - From my childhood, I was labeled as disrespectful and rude. I was simply honest, and I remember that 'the truth' was always the most important thing to me. I still agree with that. As long as people are honest with me, I don't care if they do it politely or not. But I cannot tolerate lies and insincerity. On the other hand, when I hear something, I need to immediately connect it to an example in the real world. When you give a formula, it's important to me who discovered it, what purpose they intended to use it for, whether it's accepted, whether it's been approved. It's also important to me what reasoning techniques you're using. Sometimes I see posts about the law of attraction on Instagram, and I get really angry at how people present this law, which is unprovable, as if it were a proven science. I get along very badly with uncertainty. When someone suddenly says, "Let's go somewhere," I get stressed and slightly irritated. Also, unfortunately, I have a tendency, including myself, to believe that people who don't work or have the necessary resources deserve a bad life. While this isn't always the case, I believe everyone reaps what they sow. Yet, time and again, I've seen people who sow valuable things reap nothing, and I've started to find this idea stale and shallow. I have always been responsible and very careful. I have fulfilled the tasks assigned to me completely, but lately I've been going through difficult times and neglecting things a bit. The loss of meaning I've experienced in a religious sense in the last year has completely undermined my desire to work, turning the ground beneath my feet. Also I have agoraphobia because I'm afraid of fainting outside and also because of men as i mentioned earlier. My therapist finds this too controlling and says you can't control the outside world.

Fi- I've never made decisions based on my feelings. Even in high school, a friend kept emphasizing how important it was to listen to my heart, while I said I was happy listening to my head. During that time, I forced myself to act on my emotions—for example, suddenly hugging my indifferent mother or telling her I loved her. I found this very difficult, and when I did, I often got little reaction, only to embarrass myself. I didn't pursue this further. Nevertheless, I love and care deeply for the people I care about. For some reason, I find certain ethical rules much more important than others, and I try to live by them, even though I don't always follow them and feel a sense of guilt and a strange feeling in my stomach. My therapist said, "You're not living in accordance with your values." According to her, I suppress my emotions severely, and this is harming my health and causing stomach problems. I don't even want to cry during therapy; my urge to suppress my feelings is very strong.

Se - Well, Even things like excessive heat or noise are enough to stress me out and make me feel exhausted. As a child, I used to read books during most physical education classes to avoid sweating. Later, I was told that I didn't have that option anymore and had to do some physical activity, even if only for 45 minutes a week, and it wasn't as difficult or bad as I thought. I'm not a very sporty or fit person, and I get tired easily. I prefer to drive even for short distances. Still, sometimes I feel that walking in nature clears my mind and makes me feel good.

I'm not entirely sure if asking this question this way is in accordance with the rules. I apologize for that. Knowing my personality type is very important to me because, even though I've been experiencing a sense of loss and turmoil lately, I believe self-awareness is crucial for finding direction and moving on with my life. When I wrote to you, some intense emotions hadn't yet subsided, but I realize that the reason I didn't do certain things wasn't because I was told not to, but rather a natural consequence of my existing religious beliefs. Now, moving in a different direction is daunting, but I don't intend to delay life any further.

Take care of yourselves and thank you very much. With love.

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I don't see anything that makes me immediately doubt your type. The feedback you've gotten from the therapist is helpful (I agree with all of it) because I think it reveals that you exhibit the weaknesses of the type.

A major problem that Ni doms tend to suffer from is unrealistic thinking. You may not think this applies to you because you say you're dedicated to truth. While I believe in your dedication, what you haven't realized yet is that unrealistic thinking can take many different forms. Just look at the way you idealized your father or your prof.

The word "unrealistic" generally means "not based in reality". The trick of this definition lies in what exactly you mean by "reality". A lot of people like to see themselves as "realistic" while being completely unaware of the many ways in which they are not in touch with reality.

The most obvious form of unrealistic thinking is believing in things without evidence/proof, perhaps to the point of living in illusion/fantasy. You've already pointed out some good examples. Because of your heavy emphasis on logical thinking, you are vigilant about this, which is good.

However, there is another major way in which human beings are unrealistic that often goes undetected. To be out of touch with reality doesn't just happen because of holding distorted or false beliefs. It can also happen because of holding too small and narrow a view of the world. In essence, if your perception and/or experience of the world is too limited, you are only grasping one small portion of reality.

Can you call yourself a "realistic" person when you only see, let's say, 5% of what others are capable of seeing of reality (as generally happens whenever Ni and Se are too far out of balance)? I believe this is what the feedback is getting at with regard to being "stubborn". Rigidity (being uncharitable or unyielding) and inflexibility (can't easily adapt to changing realities) are also major contributing factors to unrealistic thinking.

When N suffers from extreme tunnel vision AND T reflexively controls/dismisses everything in the world one cannot make "logical" sense of, what ends up happening is that your view of the world gradually narrows to a small point. It's like you look at the world through a tiny pinhole in the wall rather than getting a full two-eyed panoramic view.

Due to arrogance (overconfidence in one's own judgment), many Ts never become aware of this problem and thus never come to realize just how much of life they're actually missing out on. Some people may argue that you can't miss what you don't know. I have no interest in debating people who are highly motivated to ignore their ignorance.

Suffice it to say that we all have lower functions for a reason. They are there to alert us to what we're missing out on. Listen to them, develop them, or not... it's your choice. As a humanist, I believe, as a general rule, that it's deeply wasteful when people deny their greater potential and then live a less meaningful life as a result.

When you opt for the easily controlled life (because you're afraid of difficulty or getting hurt), it makes you less likely to venture out of comfort zones. When you never leave your comfort zone, you rob yourself of opportunities to learn new things and grow into a better version of yourself.

When you don't grow, life stagnates. It's like confining yourself to a psychological coffin long before you've physically died. Se would ask: What's the point of living, then?

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello again, I’m the anon who wrote the post: 816080260023173120. I’m back because although I did understand your analysis on why that text shows I’m an ESTP , and from what I shared it makes sense but it doesn’t feel right, not on your part obviously but on mine. I reread my post and I wasn’t 100% honest partially because I was ashamed and another part because I really wanted to not have the issues that I have or acknowledge them even. So I’m going to dive in again and share why I think I’m and ESFP and try and be as honest as I can without caring for shame because that never really helps, sorry again for the length and thank you so much for your time!

Info: 22F, only maybe ADHD and OCD.

I won’t dive into details about dominant Se because that part is already settled, I’ll focus on the auxiliary functions and then skim through what I think is a current unhealthy inferior Ni use.

Auxiliary Fi: So to give background here, I’ve always been ashamed of myself, for many reasons. One of them us because I always knew I was, well, a woman who loves other women, but my family, most people and especially the very traditional country I grew up, they didn’t like that. I told my mom I liked women when I was around 14 I think, she cried a lot, and I mean a lot, and then she said the “it’s temporary, you’ll change”, and then we never talked about it again. She brings it up once in a while but only to remind me that one day I’ll love a man. So I guess that’s why when I was younger I was with so many guys, we never did more then kissing because I hated even that. And throughout the website you always say that we need to ask WHY, and my why is because I was ashamed of myself, I thought I was broken and evil, and all that bad stuff. So I purposefully started hiding that part of me, and I felt how ashamed my mother was of me too. I also always really wanted to play soccer but she never allowed me to because it was a “man’s sport and the only women that play it are lesbians”.

Another thing about the environment I grew up in was that my brother and I, we could never like or enjoy something that our parents didn’t, we could never do something that they wouldn’t do. I always loved all animals, I grew up next to my grandparents farm and I loved all of the animals they had, but I shouldn’t like the pigs because “They smell bad”, I shouldn’t like cows because “they are too loud”. Even my friends, my parents always make fun of them and their parents, they’re like “oh the fat one”, “the one with the ugly blue hair”, “the one that didn’t say hi to me that one time 6 years ago”, “the one with the mother that has a rbf”. And even when we’re walking down the street my parents are literally pointing at people and saying how they’re this or that and it’s so awful.

I used to draw a lot, sculpt, write, I made such beautiful paintings and I loved it so much, but now I can’t like it anymore because every time I pick up something, anything that I like, I instantly fear and think about all the things my mother would judge me on. So I just don’t do anything or don’t tell anyone what I love doing because I’m scared of what they’ll say, I feel and I sincerely believe that everything I like, appreciate, or am passionate about is literal trash. I am literal trash.

My mother always had a certain way we should look, how we should behave, what we should say, what we need to be, who we should be, what we should want. Of course we made mistakes as kids, but they never thought us anything the proper way, they just shamed us or hurt us into being the was they thought we should be. I was literally locked in the basement with the lights off for 24 hours because I yelled at my dad when he beat my brother with a hose. So my mind is basically “If I don’t say or do the correct thing then I’m gonna get hurt”. My brother literally started doing drugs when he was 12 because it was just so hard to handle living with constantly trying to avoid stepping on eggshells. My brother and I basically went non verbal at home throughout our teens because we knew we weren’t the people we should be and we didn’t want to, so to avoid any problems we just decided it was best to not be anyone at all.

And I’m still scared of people because of that, just yesterday at school a classmate was trying to make conversation with me and I was so terrified he would think I was weird or broken that I basically didn’t say anything. And this happens so much now, I keep just drifting away from new friendships because I’m ashamed and scared they’ll hurt me or find that I’m wrong and trash.

I hide everything I do, I’m terrified of leaving any word I’ve written or drawing I’ve made out in the open because I’m scared, I just think of these crazy scenarios where someone sees a poem I wrote and thinks I’m some impure evil corrupted gremlin or something. I wrote such a beautiful poem about the sea, and I could never look at it again because all I heard was my mother’s voice telling me how “it’s stupid and a waste of time”.

And ever since I was little, I was never really allowed to feel anything too strongly, because my parents didn’t like how we got excited or loud. Like most kids, I cried when my dog died, and my parents yelled, because me being sad was disturbing them. It was all the time, every time I said something, anything, that I was excited about to someone, and my mother didn’t approve of it, word always got back to her and she’d tell me how I was stupid and I should think before I talked. She had a job where she worked with basically everyone and literally had acquaintances in every school we ever went to, any activity we did, any job we had, any shop we went to, restaurant or coffee shop, and literally anything we did, it always got back to her. I always felt watched and judged anywhere I went. I basically grew up with the idea that I was flawed, broken and stupid, that if I did anything wrong and my mother found out I’d get punished, and she was everywhere, all the time. Like Big Brother from 1984. And if we’re on our phone near them they’re always trying to see what we’re doing, asking who we’re talking to, why are we smiling, etc. And that just fed my inferior Ni in having this weird paranoia that people are always judging me with evil ulterior motives or something.

And we had to be there for them. When something happened, we had to be there to make them feel better while not letting them see that we were sad too. Our grandma fell a few weeks ago and she got hurt pretty badly, we were devastated, the first thing our father did was come right to us and tell us that we needed to be strong for our mother. When my brother tried to unsubscribe from life, they said that I needed to guide them through this. And if I ever showed any feelings about it, they’d say that I could never be as sad as they are the parents and I’m just the sister.

So anytime I try to connect with myself, and express myself, when my mother sees it she always brings me down, saying how I still am immature, and this won’t change anything because it’s not who she thinks I am. To her, we are, everyone is, who she says they are. It’s like she’s the director of the play and we’re all just actors and if we step out of the role we’re locked in a dark basement.

But sometimes I know who I am, sometimes I can really connect with and accept myself, and everything is just so perfect. But it never lasts, I always just bring myself out of it due to all that happened, because it’s what I know, it’s a defence mechanism I guess, hiding away my heart to avoid getting hurt.

Tertiary Te: And I was reading about Fi and I honestly wanted to cry, how can I ever feel integrity and nurture honourable character within me when EVERY SINGLE TIME I do something, all I think about is the standards that my mother always set for me. I’m so deeply ashamed of who I am and afraid of being myself that the only way I feel that I am allowed to exist in the world is by doing things that are considered successful. Every time I try and just connect with myself, open a page, write more of a story, my thoughts immediately go to how it can make me successful or how others can see the value in me. And that stops me from writing what I really want or feel, because I’m trapped in a loop of “Oh I love this phrase! But I have to change this because that way it’ll be more successful”.

I do think I’m in a constant tertiary loop, anytime I feel that I like something that won’t add more prestige or success to me, I instantly think I shouldn’t like it. That it’s wrong to like something just to like it. That there should be a master plan or goal to justify it. When I meet someone new, the first thing I do is share the things I did that are considered “great” so that I impress them. But I can’t move past that, I can’t share myself with someone else on a deeper level because I’m scared of getting hurt. And I make up these crazy reasons that they could be planning on using me or hurting me so that I don’t have to feel guilt for betraying myself.

But it’s only me who’s betraying myself, not the world. It’s my belief that I am not enough, that I’m flawed and dirty that betrays me. I keep hiding myself with glitter, with doing things that are impressive so that I don’t have to connect or express myself. Most of the times when I do something that doesn’t make sense, it’s because I know that if I tell someone that instead of going to class I went across the country to go to a master’s info session that I didn’t care about, I know they’ll be impressed or astonished.

Whenever I’m in a conversation I don’t even try to express myself because I feel like I’m not good enough, I just try to impress the other person, the first thing I always say is that I was a lifeguard this summer, how is that even relevant, omg!? And nowadays, I’ve started to realize that that’s not helping, but still instead of working on the root of the problem, to work on finding the courage to stop being afraid of being locked in a now imaginary basement and finally express myself, I just sit there and basically go non verbal, because I still have the idea from childhood that “it’s better to not be anyone then be someone that will get me hurt”.

I’ve been working with my therapist on this, on stop comparing myself to the standard my mother holds me to. And most of the time when I say the things that I feel I need to do or be, she just asks “and who said you need to do that?”, and it’s never me. It’s never something that I want to do or like, it’s that I’m again, so ashamed of who I am, what I want and like, that I can’t even connect with myself anymore, I immediately run to Te, literally fleeing from Fi. It sometimes get so crazy to the point that I was finally having a breakthrough and allowing myself to pursue something I like, but as soon as I told my therapist that I wanted to study biology, as soon as I said it out loud I immediately toned it down and for some reason started thinking that I wanted to join the military because they’re respected and glorified, it was a crazy. I even went to talk to them to see how to join, which is crazy because I DO NOT want to join the military. But whenever I feel threatened or scared I just run away into the quickest way to earn back validation because of what I went through as a child. I really want to study biology but I’m still ashamed of it, I feel like there’s something wrong with that choice, that it’s not the right one or that I’m making a massive mistake, but I’m not, maybe I am idk, but not for the reason I think I am.

And this is what has been happening for as long as I remember, I wanted to join the soccer team but my mother wouldn’t let me so I pursued everything but that, but it never felt the same. Of course it didn’t because it wasn’t what I wanted. But felt like I couldn’t pursue soccer because it was wrong, how can a sport be wrong? I still haven’t ever learned to properly play it because in my mind it’s still wrong, I’m a literal adult, I saved three lives in horrendous sea conditions and I’m scared of a soccer ball!? And I feel like this behaviour of fleeing what I want to do and replace it with something that is considered successful is Te loop. I’ve been fleeing from myself my whole life because I thought I was flawed.

I used to be a massive bully to my friends, really domineering and making awful jokes at their expense because I just couldn’t bare the emptiness I had inside that they didn’t seem to have. It’s like they were people and I wasn’t, and I felt alone so I had this awful need to bring them down to the place I was in. I was basically just doing to others what my mother did to me. When I realized that, again, instead of fixing the root of the problem, to apologise to them and admit that I was mean and hurt them, I just went non verbal and stopped engaging with them. I went a whole summer locked at home because I was absolutely disgusted with myself, and I felt even worse when I saw that they were texting me and asking how I was, I felt like I didn’t deserve care from them, and at the time I didn’t.

And the thing is that, sometimes I get so lost that I sincerely believe that whatever gives me external validation, is what I want.

Inferior Ni: So, with all of this, I really haven’t felt like myself lately. I keep switching from being happy and content to just feeling like I’m not enough or good. I’m trapped is this negative self talk all the time, in anything I do or anywhere I go I’m judging myself for being me and that I shouldn’t be me and I should behave like that or say that other thing. I’m just really not self confident lately. I love the summer because it’s the only time where I actually get to do things I want and be myself without fearing my parents judging me because I’m never around them basically. And during the rest of the year since I’m already so upset about being in a degree I don’t like, I always think about my parents and what they would say even when they’re not there. So I just avoid everything because I feel like nothing is right. Because I feel that every decision that comes from me, that reflects or expresses who I am is a bad decision, and I don’t want to keep doing things that hurt me and just give me external validation, so I don’t do anything.

And I do feel like I’m lacking something, but I am really, and it’s my fault. I’m too scared to just be me, I’m terrified that something bad will happen because of it. I know that to get better I need to get past this intense fear of being hurt or not loved because of being myself. I need to get more comfortable with showing things I’m passionate about. I mean just the other day in class I showed some prototypes to a teacher and he accidently saw a drawing I made of a peacock and he was so excited and loved it so much that he kept asking me questions about it and showed it to the other teacher, I was genuinely terrified, I felt like I had just committed a horrendous crime. I could see that they were happy, but it still felt wrong.

So: I think my problem is that I have been repressing Fi really intensely. I still hold what I learned to do as I kid really close to my heart, that I can’t be sensitive or I’ll get hurt. That I shouldn’t follow my heart because it’s rotten, literal words I heard from my mother. And I really to get over that fear, to stop running to tertiary Te to find reasons that prove I am allowed to exist. Or stop myself from locking myself away because I’m ashamed of who I am and fear that all I do and say is awful and will cause some horrible problem.

I thought I was and wanted to be an ESTP, and I tried to do the things that help develop auxiliary Ti, but it didn’t help me, it didn’t feel right. I just felt really robotic, it felt wrong. So I briefly tried to develop Fi, all I could do was watch Kung Fu Panda, Soul and play Avatar Frontiers of Pandora, basically just media about people finally finding and accepting themselves. Because the thing is that, if I immediately jump in and express myself to myself I get scared honestly, because I feel all that shame and fear that I did when I was little, but if I use like an intermediary thing that I can see myself in without having to directly acknowledge myself it makes it easier. If I dive in immediately I go to tertiary Te basically and bully myself out of it and convince myself that I should do something that is impressive instead.

And when rereading your response to my case there was this line that said in my case “all of the judging function descriptions are quite weak, so I’m basically forced to determine which pair is the weakest of the weak.” and after being honest with myself, I think the reasons for that are what I shared above. I didn’t share much about the issues my unhealthy use of tertiary Te is doing to me because I don’t want to admit it to myself, I don’t want to admit that my own fears are exactly what is causing me harm, so I prefer to do things I fear that have no meaning to me. That’s also why none of my relationships worked, because I never loved any of those women, because I purposefully choose the ones that I don’t want because I’m scared that the ones that I actually like will hurt me or not like me or see that I’m rotten or something. And I wanted those relationships just because I didn’t want to feel like I was falling behind compared to others my age, so I chose the easy and inauthentic path because it was easier to just charm whoever then it is to confront my own inner world.

And you also said “Fi points ESFPs in very particular, personally significant directions. This makes them naturally loyal to their personal preferences and values, which easily translates into commitment.” So, I grew up in an environment that made me honestly made me absolutely believe that I was some kind of monster, that I wasn’t who I should be, that I had to be a certain way to be allowed to be loved or even exist, that if I didn’t follow certain standards that I would get punished for it. I think all of that really made me absolutely terrified of being loyal to myself. It’s like that Pavlov’s Dogs experiment in some way, anytime as a kid that I expressed myself (action), if my parents didn’t like it I’d get punished for it (reaction). So basically I associate self expression with punishment which is crazy. I downplay or push down or completely attempt to erase any strong feeling I have because I’m terrified of them. I don’t even wear clothes I actually like because I feel like I shouldn’t and I fear I’ll be judged for it.

Hi, sorry it’s me again, I also just dived deeper into my childhood trauma in a post I sent yesterday. Thank you so much for answering my first post and I’m really sorry for keeping cutting important information and sending it in a different post. In this post and with the two previous ones (Which I’m really so sorry about, and of course you don’t have to reply if you don’t want to) I would of course love if you could help me in finding my type so I can better improve my functions and avoid what I think is inferior Te loop and inferior Ni grip, but also if you could give me some advice like you did in some other posts (again, only if you want to) and help me be here for myself instead of running away and denying all bad things that ever happened to me and the impact that they still have on me.

Maybe also give some advice or a wake up call to help me actually find the will and strength to provide for myself, I’d appreciate that. I know it’s a lot to ask, and again I’m really sorry for bothering you so much, but I’ve been in therapy for about four years now, and it has helped, but I haven’t moved forward in life at all, therapy for me has more like been extinguishing fires mainly because I only make appointments when I can’t hold it in or run from it anymore, but also even then, it really only helps me for a bit until it all catches up to me again. I have been in the same exact level of life, for seven or six years now, so well, since tenth grade. So yeah please if you have time, I’d really appreciate some honest advice. Thank you so much in a advance for everything and for your website which has been a really good wake up call in itself.

So regarding my previous posts, what I discussed previously isn’t past trauma yet in a way. I talked a lot about my mother and her abusive behaviour, but I didn’t talk about my father at all. I didn’t want to, it quite literally makes me want to throw up when I think about it. I won’t go too much into details, but I feel like I should warn that it’s not good.

But I read post nr 164872858637, and it made me want to share more. Because I should I guess, I’m working on it in therapy but if I keep just refusing to address it outside of it and pretend that it doesn’t affect me at all then It’ll just keep coming back, I was about to say a few weeks ago because it still feels pretty recent, but it was literally three months ago all the negative feelings regarding it came back. And it’s like you say in most posts about the causes of distress, I have to address it, I can’t just keep running away from it, throwing myself at literally anything in a constant race trying to outrun it.

All that happened to me in the past It all came back to me for no reason three months ago, I’m still living with both my parents, but there was no reason for it to come back like that, I panicked so badly for a full week, I literally felt like I was in immediate danger and that I had to flee, I contacted people to help me get money through student financing programmes and such or find a job and a cohousing situation because I just had to get away, but nothing worked and no jobs were accepting me because I didn’t speak the native language of this country and hadn’t finished my degree yet. So I panicked even more. I was literally going insane, I never felt so trapped and doomed in my entire life.

But then a few weeks later I randomly received a good amount of money that would let me go live alone for at least three or four months and I’d probably be able to get a job in that time. But instead of doing that I put it in my savings because I didn’t feel ready. I didn’t feel ready to be alone. My parents never thought me anything about being independent, instead whenever we tried anything like that they’d tell us that we’d get hurt or taken advantage of or abused. The first time I told my father I was planning on getting a job and moving out he got angry and told me my mother would be in so much pain and told me I was going to get killed and started saying all these awful things. And I just I can’t do it.

They’re just so controlling, a few months ago I told them I wanted to change my full name in the future, I’m not comfortable with having their names in my name, I told them it was for other not so bad reasons. But anyways, a few months later I needed to buy a new laptop and I had my savings in an account with my mother and needed her permission to take money from it, and to get my money, she made me absolutely promise that I would never ever change my name, I said that I wouldn’t but I will of course. But that’s how controlling they are, everything has to be their way and every interaction is conditional, there’s always an ONLY IF to everything. So I always felt like everything in life is an exchange or only temporary because some unknown thing would randomly appear and just take everything away. I guess maybe that feeling contributed to me never wanting to commit because I feel like everything will just disappear someday, even my own passions, I’ve always loved nature, with such a burning passion, and it never goes away, but I still believe that one day it’ll get taken from me. It’s the same with relationships, I just feel like why should I pursue someone I love if that woman will someday just disappear or something. I just feel like anything in life can just evaporate out of thin air.

And with my brother’s attempt to not be here anymore, it really contributed to that, I love him so much, but after that I just distanced myself from him, just absolutely keeping him so far from me emotionally, cause I’m scared that one day I’ll wake up and learn that he’s not here anymore. I had pets as a kid, I had a rabbit, my dad put him in the garage one night and he passed away from gas poisoning. I had a dog, my dad ran over him in his car. I had another dog, my dad put her with my uncle’s hunting dogs who had attacked her previously, and then my parents left and locked the door, and I was home alone, and saw paralysed from inside as the other dogs just literally tore my dog in half, I just sat there for hours until my parents came back, crying on the floor while looking at all the red in the wall. I felt so useless. I still cry about it today, I feel like it was my fault, I could’ve thought of opening the window but I was so shocked that I just stayed paralyzed on the floor. I was a kid and that feeling of being useless and helpless it’s still with me. I still feel like I can’t help or save anyone or myself. I became a lifeguard because I wanted to help people, and I did, I saved three lives but I still feel like I wasn’t good enough, there was one person who passed away that year, it was my day off, I was about to head inside the cinema when my colleague called, I wasn’t there and I still feel like it was partially my fault.

I really feel like I can’t take care of myself, I can’t commit to anything, I can’t. But I started working when I was about 14, of course it was short commitment jobs, max 4 or so months each followed by another and then another and so on. But I can’t even imagine myself staying at a random job for more then than a few months, of course being a wildlife biologist or ecologist for the rest of my life would be a dream, but I can’t commit to anything that isn’t below that which is just ridiculous. I can’t even commit to regularly studying to pursue that so I can have my dream job, that’s so ridiculous. I need to find the strength in me to be able to provide for myself and pursue my passions without giving up. I can’t keep relying on others to take care of me, I can’t keep convincing myself that I’m okay with it when I’m not. I need to take care of myself.

But sorry, I was again, trying to not talk about what I came here to talk about. So the thing about my father is that he sexually abused me continuously when I was a child. Thankfully it never got to the r word, but because as kids whenever anyone thought us that others could hurt us it was always the r word, never other things. So for a long time I felt horrible and so uncomfortable but I felt like I couldn’t say anything because first of all he got so angry when I showed discomfort and second of all it wasn’t the r word so I thought it wasn’t bad and I was the one who was bad because I felt uncomfortable.

I only told my mother years later, I always told myself that I didn’t tell her earlier because I didn’t want to hurt her, but the truth is that I knew she wouldn’t care. I knew that whatever he could do, beat up my brother or abuse me, I knew that she would always love him. And that’s what happened. She always blamed us for what he did to us or any problems at all. When my brother tried to unsubscribe from life, they came to the “conclusion” that it was because they always gave us gifts. But any gift they gave it was after either they felt guilty about something or they wanted us to do something for them and if we didn’t they’d take it away. And they always pitted me against my brother, they’d tell me I was smarter than him, better, more independent, and my dad always told me how my mother cared more about him then she did about me, and my mother would tell my brother that my father was kinder to me then to him, and there was this whole just weird game for them. It’s like we are entertainment or accessories to them. They even keep sending us AI videos and images of the “perfect” haircuts or outfits or partners that we should have, that’s just so weird. And they always resend us every month these same old pictures of us that they know we hate.

There was this one time we were in the car and my father was yelling at my brother about something. and I was yelling back at him because my brother was crying, then the car stopped and they told us to get out and find our way home.

When I told my mother about what my father did, we talked for a bit, she didn’t say anything about it for a few days. Then she went to apparently get our families past lives read somewhere, when she came back she told me I was evil and rotten and took me to a tongue doctor so that he could analyse how evil I was. I don’t remember much of what happened but he gave me some cinnamon and told me to make a banana smoothie. Then my father came back from his overseas job and even though I had told my mother not to speak to him, she did. So when he went to get me from practice and in the car he asked what he did to me, and I reminded him, and he yelled so much, so much, that I got terrified of ever talking to him about it again.

I’ve been working on myself lately, really trying to get over my mother’s judgment in my head, but I kept ignoring what my father did to me, it still really hurts. And a few days ago agreed to do some weird reiki table reading or something because my mother said it would help me with life, but today she said that I had to ask the woman if my father’s intentions were actually bad, and it hurt. It hurts that she actually believes that I’m lying. It hurts that after all these years, after three therapists spoke to her about the things he did to me, after my brother literally trying to end his life because of all we went through with our parents, it hurts so much that she still wants to believe that I am the evil behind everything that they did. And when I feel sad or when I panicked that week 3 months ago, I really believed I was evil, that I made it all up in my head, I told my therapist that I probably made it up, I mean I was a kid, and memories are forgettable maybe I really did imagine it maybe I was bad and it was all in my head. Like I really believed that was it. But she explained to me that that wasn’t the case and I was able to come back down to reality.

And after she asked me to ask the reiki lady about it, I said no to her repeatedly, after a while she stopped asking. I was so heartbroken and upset after that, and still am. And then she told me that she wanted me to make her a chocolate cake, literally immediately after. And she really is just still smiling and happily talking on the phone after she asked me that and saw how hurt I am. How can someone do that? How is she okay and happy with this? I don’t understand.

And now I just, I’m just sad that I keep trying to have a relationship with my parents, I want to have a mom I can call and tell about my day and a dad. I want to have a family. But every time I give them another chance they just hurt me again. When I was a kid I used to pretend Gandalf was my dad, I made a drawing of him and put him in my wall, and when I was happy or sad, I’d tell him about it, and it made me fell less alone. I also talked to my dog a lot, I’d get home and run to her, and she’d sit next to me for hours in the garden while I told her everything I did that day, I miss her a lot.

Regarding my parents, something that made me understand that it really wasn’t me who was the problem was a few weeks ago where I was taking a walk with my mother and she randomly started telling me about her grandfather, and how her cousins told her that when they went to his coffeeshop he would tell them that if they kissed him he’d give them ice cream, and she laughed and said “but it’s probably not true, I never saw that and he never did that to me, he was nice to me”, so the thing about my mother is that she sees everything and everyone in the world specifically applied to her, everyone is who she says they are and if they say otherwise then the other person is a liar. Looking back she has never seen me for who I am, she seems me through what she perceives me to be, same for my father, if I tell her the truth she doesn’t believe me because to her I am evil and he is good.

In my parent’s mind, they are perfect parents, I grew up hearing them tell me how amazing and wonderful of a father my father is. She would say that so much. And how my brother and I were so lucky because they have a house we can live in, because they fed us and gave us gifts. The amount of times we heard how lucky we were because they gave us food as we grew up was insane. I get that some parents don’t provide for their children and I can’t even imagine how awful that might be, but it’s not right to tell someone they’re lucky when what you’re doing is providing for a human being you willingly and mindfully brought into this world with the plan of raising and caring for said human.

So, yeah, I’m sorry for the length again, I just I gotta write it all down and idk tell a kind of trusted adult I guess. Mainly because although I talked about with my friends I just can’t really talk to them more about it, they’re supportive and helpful but Idk I feel like I’m annoying them or bothering them with it because honestly it’s just such weird stuff that even I feel paranoid when I say what my parents did to us out loud, and also, it’s my problem and I should be the one dealing with my problems I guess. But also I don’t want my friend to feel like they need to deal with their problems alone, because they shouldn’t and I love helping them when I can, so maybe they feel the same way I think. And also, I’m ashamed and talking about it and talking about it with people in my life make it even more real and like I’m bringing a past problem into the present. But I’m slowly realizing that it’s still a present problem that I need to address. And same thing with my therapist, I can only talk about it when I’m absolutely devastated, in any other day, even if I’m hurting, I just completely lie about it, and unfortunately I am so good at really making it seem like I’m okay, there’s this meme drawing of a dog sitting in a chair just sitting there while the house burns around him, and that’s me basically. But I do know that internally I’m on fire, but I am also really good at distracting myself or molding my own emotions, I can’t erase the one I’m hiding but with music or shows I can pretend to myself that I’m happy and okay, and yeah, I wish I couldn’t do that because then I’d be forced to address my pain.

I know that my parents won’t change, at least not for me. They don’t want to even think that my brother and I aren’t purposefully causing our own pain, they want us to be the bad ones. And I have to understand, just like my brother did when he moved back to our home country, that there is no happiness or family bond that we can find in our parents. I need to step up for myself, running away all the time from everything, it never gave me true happiness and it never will. I guess I got to be my own parent and teach myself how to be independent and go after and commit to what I want and stay loyal to myself. I keep telling myself that for months now, but I keep pursuing instant gratification, for some reason even just doom scrolling feels better and easier then actually working on my own happiness and pursuing my passions. And when I open tiktok, I know, I’m hurting myself, but I still do it, and that’s really awful.

I’m sorry for writing so much, again, you don’t have to reply and send advice, but if you do, thank you and if you don’t also thank you. And idk, I hope maybe someway, somehow, this will help someone else too. But yeah I am fully done on diving into my whys, now I just gotta do my dos but I would appreciate if you could help me with the how. Have a wonderful day, and week, and month, and year, and decade and century!

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I'm sorry you had to go through that. There is no doubt your parents are toxic and abusive. I don't tell people what decisions to make, though. What I can say is that the human mind can only withstand so much negativity and toxicity before breaking down, similar to how your body can only withstand a certain amount of junk food before becoming sick. If you want to take care of your psychological health and well-being, you need to find some way to remove negativity and toxicity from your life in a timely manner.

Telling me what happened may seem easier because I'm just a random stranger on the internet, but it's not going to do much good other than provide temporary relief. I'm not a therapist. You have a therapist but, as per your pattern, you're not genuinely committed to therapy and the healing process. No one can help you if you're unwilling to help yourself. If you can't be honest with your therapist, then aren't you just wasting your time and money?

You ought to be actively solving problems in therapy rather than just venting (which is how Ti could help you). Perhaps you have not been ready to confront your problems, which is understandable when the problems are very painful. All I can say is that, the sooner you confront a problem, the sooner you can start to put it behind you. Denial hurts yourself most in the end.

With regard to type assessment, I'm not here to argue or convince anyone of anything. I couldn't care less what your type is. Just so you know, I don't usually explain my reasoning to people due to time constraints. I did it for you last time as a courtesy, because you were operating under too many misconceptions.

The problem with this new installment of information is that you are clearly mixing up mental health issues (stemming from abuse) with function expression, and then getting very confused as a result. Generally speaking, when you have to do this much twisting and turning to try to make a type fit, it's a sign of being on the wrong track.

I don't know what else to tell you. This new information has only succeeded in reinforcing my belief that you're not ESFP. Your argument/evidence doesn't prove what you think it proves. Everything I said in my previous response still holds true.

For the sake of argument, even if you are correct that ESTP is not the best fit, that doesn't mean ESFP is correct merely by default. This leaves two possible scenarios to consider:

(1) You are indeed ESTP, but very deep in Fe loop and in denial of Ti, unable to fully confront the extent to which you have lived your life as a total sham in order to fool yourself and everyone around you.

(2) You are an as yet unidentified type that was prematurely dismissed during the assessment process due to very low self-awareness and identity confusion. Given the problems you've described, I'm not confident that the information you've provided can adequately rule out all the other extraverted types.

It's possible that your mental health issues are too serious and require more healing before accurate type assessment is possible. I'd much more easily believe you are ESTP (since the evidence aligns) or even ENFP/ENTP before ESFP. I'm confident ESFP is incorrect. That's my judgment. Take it or leave it, it's up to you.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi! I'm a female 26yo AuDHD (recently diagnosed). I'm not exactly sure of my type, +5 years ago I wrote for you via chat and you suggested I was INFJ, nowadays I wrote again and you guessed (less certain) ENFP. I'm more trustworthy about INFJ typing because I was convinced I was NeSi, not NiSe so I didn't considered INFJ in the last type assessment request. I also think the struggles I'm handling past and today are likely INFJ typing related, so I think I laid down my type and it'll be helpful if you respond based on this typing.

I think I'm handling a somewhat Ni-dom depression (I'm under psychotherapy, I'm here for some insight if possible). I had a traumatic event in life which harmed (destroyed) my self-efficacy sense (at 14yo). I'm writing for you wondering if you have any insight, as I can't see an "alternative way" for the whirlwind of my thoughts. Me and my therapist were guessing it was all mainly about autism/ADHD conditions (cognitive burnout) and family, but now I'm concluding it's related to a past trauma that I already analyzed and overanalyzed, believing it wasn't affecting me today. Yet, there's no single day I'm okay back then, however I masked it all (even from me) with a fake optimism.

Before this trauma, I was optimistic, I used to help people through advice and insight, I thought I was reasonably smart and "powerful", and could handle whatever happened to me. Until I met a narcissist/psychopath that tackled it all down. I made all the effort I could to protect myself and significant others, but all my efforts were dashed. I ended up hopeless, discredited by everyone (even my family), all my energy was drained and I had to keep faith that the future could be different to be able to thrive and live day by day (the situation was so horrible that 2 friends tried suicide, I was at center of the situation so I unconsciously felt like it was my fault by being incompetent at preventing or protecting them). I was so traumatized that I created a fantastic world and history in my mind to be able to move on (I pretended I was a character of a fantasy history and I had to run from people trying to harm me).

Anyway, once the situation ended, I handled a great Ni-Ti loop, I got obsessed about the meaning of life for some 2 or 3 years after, and eventual Se-grips. I studied biology, physics and many sciences believing there was a "fundamental formula" that could explain anything in the world, to the universe's creation to its end. I started searching for correlations between a cell birth and dying process to the birth and death of the universe, for example (I don't know a more NiTi relate than that). At the end, I came to the conclusion that finding an ultimate truth about existing was impossible - I would have to study for the expense of my life, and I concluded there was no other meaning to life than "living", then taking my life for this pursuit was pointless. I was confident it was the end of this "traumatic stress response", but nowadays I realize this trauma is still here, I'm going through a similar period (loop), yet not so intense.

I finished a degree in Psychology, I'm joining a master degree in Neuroscience, I did all the things I wished. Yet, I'm never "ok", I'm always tired, many times depressed or anxious, always waiting for "the green pastures" to come true, yet, day by day I've got drained, to the point there's no future that's able to engage me into happily motion as before. I feel like I had to effort too much to all of this, and this pursuit ended up somewhat fruitless. I feel exhausted of trying too much to get so little. I have a extremely poor time-space notion, so I don't have a grasp about "how many time" is yesterday or tomorrow, so I taken too long thinking "it was just a bad day" and moving optimistic to future, until I've noticed that most of my days for years had been bad days, since this trauma.

Who made me notice it was my ISFJ bf, not because he clashed with me, but because he was able to move mountains for me, but I couldn't assure him I was going to be able to meet him next weekend. Due to this plus his personal struggles, he decided to break up, then I noticed how poorly I dealt with my struggles. The main contributor to this breakup was my family. My family is the reason why I'm under psychotherapy. I suffered with symbolic violence during all my life. My opinions were never right if they differed from my mother's (ISFJ) or sister (ENFP), same as life choices. I was crazy if I wished to hang out with friends my mother disapproved, or to places she was too fearful about (she struggles a lot with inf Ne so wants to keep us under control). It has happened since I was just a child so I was blind to it for too long, and when I noticed it, it was extremely difficult to break the pattern. I unconsciously learnt to hide myself the most I could from them, so they could never reach me and attack my dreams/friends/desires.

Yet, in adulthood, it doesn't works. So, at 26yo I'd never lived my life fully. Now I'm struggling with anxiety crisis before hanging out with friends or with my (now ex) bf, it was worse after this relationship because I tried hard to leave this passive dependency (as my psychotherapist says) for him, what likely severed this anxiety, to the point that: before it was just an anxious reaction, but today I'm incapable of leaving home. When someone calls me out, I turn blind to time, then, when it's just the time to leave home, I get panicked about my family's possible reaction and can't think functionally or put my feet outside home. This situation repeated so many times that it started bringing me to cognitive overcharge and almost to burnout. I know I can't blame them much because it would be it: a blame. They can't do anything too harmful to me than screaming, trying to make me doubt myself, micromanage me (what I could ignore), at worst they could slap me or put me out home, yet I still could find a way out of it.

So, as I know all of this, at the end of the day, it's like "I'm choosing to be inside the cage when the door is open". After this break up, I realized the gravity of this situation. And, the reason why I just can't "leave the cage" is the scariest to me (I did a whole point to get here lol): I feel like the past and future are pointless, I feel like a singularity point in the universe, it doesn't matter if I go backwards or forward. I feel like the past and future, success and failure, are all in-between: I was successful at being admitted for a Neuroscience degree, my biggest dream; I achieved my professor's love and attention, someone I care about utmost; I had a boyfriend that could do whatever I needed; I've made numerous and true friends along the way that are here for me now. My family doesn't support none of this, so keep all of this would be costing, however what's the biggest issue if all of it fall apart? I feel no energy to take charge for all of this. And it's like all my life is inside a singularity point so "nothing matters".

What all of these situations are requesting from me is: live your life. It would cost my family, but my family is not concerned about my life, but with their fears. If I keep "choosing' them, I will waste my entire life. At the same time, a question keeps remarking in my mind: what's the point in all of it? It's like my mind goes blank.

Anyway, I don't know what to do with all these thoughts, nor how to have my energy back to take charge of everything that's happening. I just don't have the will or volition to take the control of my life and get it back on the track, and I don't know why or how to solve it! I guess you'll tell me to go through Fe. If you do, could you give suggestions, please? Because of understanding things too literally, I often struggle a bit to understand how Fe or Se could take me out of this. I also have a feeling this trauma is what's draining me, yet I can't grasp why exactly. This is just a guess, but I feel like "hearing" to Fe means being "influenced" (by whoever), and being influenced is what triggers me a rebel reaction, as my family tries to influence me and believe I'm sheepish, so it could be sending me to Ti loop.

Even though I know this perception of theirs is not out of proof as, as I said, I tried my best to "hide" from them and convince them that I was being a "good girl" (listening to them so I avoid aggression and could do what I wished). They know very little about my dreams, tastes, friends, they didn't even know the name of my bf, so on, because I was afraid of the harm they could do to me if they knew. My mother somewhat accepted him because he's a doctor, but my sister reacted violently and bullied me by doing this choice, because I was choosing someone with a past she "disapproves" (he was married and has a son). All they knew is that I was meeting him sometimes. I think I'm trapped in childhood period in this sense, because it's like I'm vulnerable, voiceless and powerless when they react this way. Yet, nothing I do works. I think this ask ended too much longer than I expected, so I'm thankful for you reading until here (it's ok if you need to cut it). I know you're a person out there reading it so I respect a lot the time you spend for doing it, and I admire a lot your initiative. Thank you <3

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My blog is mainly aimed at people who are ready and willing to commit to personal growth. This is by design because I'm just one person with limited time and energy, so I don't want to waste my resources trying to convince people to care when they just don't. I even quit classroom teaching because I believe it's better to spend my effort only on those people who are in the best position to benefit from it.

If you have no motivation to improve yourself or your life, what is it that you think I can do for you? I can't magically convince you to care, can I? I'm not here to give pep talks and motivational speeches. If that's what you want, then you ought to learn to give them to yourself by observing those who are good at it. This world is not short of motivational speakers and influencers.

It sounds like you have consistently tried to downplay your mental health issues. Mental health problems are just as serious as physical health problems. If you had a terrible pain in your body, you'd get it examined as soon as possible, wouldn't you? You'd have to because the pain would be difficult to ignore. It is pure survival instinct.

Yet, people often try to ignore and deny their emotional pain, allowing mental health problems to fester. Where is the survival instinct? How much emotional pain does it take for you to finally get serious about healing? Do you need the pain to literally knock you down to the ground before you'll act for your own survival? When you suffer from a mental illness such as depression, it can be just as deadly as a physical illness, can't it? Losing the will to live is part of the definition of "deadly".

The first rule of type development is that you ought to develop your functions in the order of the correct functional stack. Therefore, I wouldn't simply say "develop Fe" while it's still unclear whether the dominant function has reached the requisite state of development. If you have been trying to develop the auxiliary function without paying enough attention to dominant development first, all I can say is I can't help you if you're unwilling to follow instructions.

If you are INFJ, then you seem to exhibit Fe overindulgence. It sounds like everything you do is either for the sake of or in reaction to someone else. And when you don't get the results you want, you try to numb the pain via Ti loop "reasoning". This is a kind of self-abandonment. Where does this path lead? It leads to a sense of meaninglessness because you do not have your own identity from which to motivate behavior that properly attends to your own well-being.

For INFJs to live a full and fulfilling life, dominant Ni must come first. It is through Ni that a strong sense of self must be nurtured and affirmed. It is through Ni that one creates meaning for oneself in every intention, thought, feeling, and action. It is through Ni that one cultivates intrinsic motivation and personal purpose, as opposed to always waiting for an external stimulus to goad one into action.

When Ni is unhealthy, though, what ends up happening is your perception of the world is very narrow and distorted, i.e., unrealistic thinking. You only pay attention to the things that trigger you, and you only see "evidence" that confirms what you want to believe and/or whatever you're feeling in the moment.

In a depression, all you see is the negative, e.g.: how things are lacking; how nothing is what you want it to be; how your actions seem pointless because you don't feel what you should; how people are bad; or how the world is irredeemable; etc. Depression means you feel bad and you look for things to affirm your bad feelings.

If your perception was broader and more objective, your view of the world would be very different, wouldn't it? You would be able to recognize the positive just as well as the negative, e.g.: how there is always some good in life; how the challenges in life spur growth; how your actions have had a positive effect; how numerous unsung heroes work behind-the-scenes to make the world better; how the world is full of joy and beauty; etc.

Depression is partly found in neurological connections, in how your experiences have inadvertently led you to form negative thought patterns and replay them on a loop. But neurological patterns can be disrupted, as long as you make an effort to break your loops and replace them with a wider worldview that extends beyond the negative sensations and feelings of the moment. The joy of being human is the ability to learn new things, to have the power to change oneself.

The problem with trauma is that it can enable entrenchment of negative loops in the brain. Trauma narrows your attention to a tiny point where only your pain exists. There's much more to existence than pain, if you're willing to look further out and experience it.

Thus, it's important to address trauma as part of breaking negative loops. The story of your trauma is very vague. It is difficult for me to determine exactly what happened and whether you have interpreted it correctly. Regardless, if you believe past trauma is still having a very negative effect on you today, to the point where you can't function as well as you hope to day-to-day, then the best place for you to address it is in therapy.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, I’d like to start by thanking you for all your work, even though I’m not 100% sure of my type this website has already helped me quite a lot. The reason I’m asking for this type assessment is so I can step out of my hedonistic lifestyle, it is enjoyable but it’s not fulfilling anymore, there’s things that I really want to do in my life and I know they will take time and patience but I’ve always only been able to do enjoyable things, and that really has to change.

When it comes to the types I’m confused about, it’s between ESTP and ESFP. At the start I was considering ExxP types, but I ruled out Ne, because I never really drove any enjoyability from abstract things or possibilities, I really care about sensation and yeah, to directly experience the world around me.

I’m 22 and my therapist and study counsellor at university are both almost sure I have ADHD, but I do not have an official diagnosis so I might not have it. A previous therapist suggested I could have OCD, but again, only “maybes” as I never followed up because the diagnosis are quite expensive. But what I am sure about is that my auxiliary function is underdeveloped. Actually, I think all my functions are immature.

And I’m really sorry for the length, I just wanted to make sure that I got everything and maybe with your answer it’ll help someone else too I hope.

Dominant Se: For Se as my dominant function, all my life I’ve been driven by this need to experience the world, to see it, to try everything basically. Throughout my life I have done an incredibly amount of things, a jack of all trades but a master of none basically. It kind of drove my mother insane and I understand, I mean one year your taking your kid to gymnastics, the next it’s ballet, then karate, horse-riding, ice-skating, salsa, convinced a history teacher to start an extracurricular club about global folklore, guitar lessons, the local orchestra, Brazilian jiu-jitsu, scouts.

The thing about that is that I really just want to experience things, I’d hear about something and suddenly I’d be there trying it out, only to quit because I got bored and found something that piqued my interest even more.

And in some ways I’m still like that, especially in relationships. I’ve always been like this, I’d find someone I liked, we’d date, then “Oh, who’s that??” and there I went. Which I hate honestly, I know that everything in my life is only temporary, whenever I like something or someone, I know that it’s only a matter of time until I lose interest and get something else.

And I do feel a serious need to participate in everything, just this week we had a presentation and I’m always the presenter because I love and I’m pretty good and quick on my feet to respond to any unexpected questions by the teachers or jury. But this time, a classmate wanted to try it out and I let him, and I did not thing that I would get as worked up as I did. Not in jealousy or anything but because I NEEDED to do something, I was literally shaking in my seat and twitching like a rabid dog or something. I was just so full of energy to participate and it was so hard to sit still, so hard. And when the questions came, omg, I almost stood up, my friend had to literally put his hand on my shoulder and put pressure to stop me from standing up. It’s not like I mean or think to stand up, my body just does it. The amount of times I’ve done things without thinking, just jumping into anything. I even volunteered to be the first to present a project to investors because my arm shot up after the teacher finished asking the class. I have almost no impulse control. Even when crossing the road, I look both sides and see a car and my body just goes ahead either way, I know there’s time, but still omg.

I also agree to things really easily, just yesterday I agreed to do a reiki table reading magical thingy or something I guess even though I don’t really care about any of that but it sounded interesting.

And with everything I wrote under, it’s kinda easy to understand that It’s like I go any way the wind blows in that current moment, no matter any thoughts or decisions I had made beforehand. I feel like all my life I’m like a goblin just picking up any shiny object and then immediately spotting a shinier one and going “Oh! ANOTHER ONE!”, in an endless cycle. But, then sometimes, I can get away from the current moment, and catch myself, but I’m just immediately pulled in again. I never catch myself for long enough for it to stay with me and help me change my behaviour.

Inferior Ni: An event that really stuck with me was when I was finishing Highschool, I was suddenly hit so hard with the fact that I would have to pick something that would last me three years to complete. I went crazy, I felt like I was actually doomed. Mainly because after a whole life of jumping around everything, I never stayed anywhere long enough to know if I liked it or not, I never really developed my inner world. I still struggle with that. I feel empty sometimes, like a hollow person I guess, I was really down at that time, it’s like I was nothing. And it hurt even more because my memories and past experiences don’t really mean almost anything to me, like they don’t exist anymore, I’m only who I am now, and because my attention is grabbed so easily, I couldn’t even predict what I would like. I can’t even tell you what I will do in 10 minutes, even if I have a very important appointment, there is a 50% chance that I’ll be doing literally anything else. Two days ago I had an important prototype showing at school, but when the time it was starting I was already half way across the country to attend a Master’s Degree info session about a program I wasn’t even interested in anymore.

Auxiliary Ti: And how I got into the degree I currently am in? Well, after finishing Highschool I took a gap year and became a lifeguard, which I loved, but hated how most beachgoers are really dense. What I did love was the world around me, the sand, the sea, the sun, I loved every second of it, especially at the end of the summer when the wind was horrible and the sand was getting dragged so fast it literally scratched your skin.

But the other thing I loved most about being a lifeguard was training to be one. The late hours practicing in the pool, the difficult scores we had to reach. It was beautiful, I felt so alive. And when I got my diploma, I was sad. I was so sad, because the training was over, there was no reason to keep pushing myself so hard, it really hurt.

And I’ve always been like this. Even now with exams, I always wait until I’m as close to the deadline as possible to start working just so I can feel some adrenaline. I love being stressed, and sometimes I even create situations just to get my blood pumping. And then I study so hard, and when I receive my good grades, I’m sad. I’m supposed to be celebrating being stress free and having gotten good grades, but those moments are so horrible.

I hate achieving things. I like training for them, practicing, working on my skills, my stroke, my butterfly technique, getting my self to do just a few more meters under water each time. It’s the part where I’m pushing myself that I like, but when I finally do one more pool underwater, it feels empty, and then I immediately start thinking on how I can push myself even further, get better. One thing that I regret, is that I never stuck with a sport long enough to actually compete in the Olympics, I know it sounds dumb, but I know I could push myself that hard, but I also know that I wouldn’t be interested long enough to push myself hard in the same sport.

Even my parents garage, it’s full with a sea of tools from hobbies and skills that I get so interested in and do amazing things with, but never stay on the same skill for more then a year. I always loved tinkering with tools and making stuff, I even made myself parallel bars and a pull up bar when I was younger with some soldering tools my uncle had.

Tertiary Fe: When my gap year finished and it was time to pick my degree, I still had no idea, but the day before the final day of enrolment I met up with a few friends and one of them was telling me about how their going to study cinema and it piqued my interest and then I enrolled in that as well even though I really had never thought about that option and I wasn’t really interested ever but I did want to try it for some reason. And then I quit because it was so boring.

The situation where, I got interested in studying cinema wasn’t only because it piqued my interest but also because my friend really got to me in a way. And after I quit that one, I had to pick another one, my family really wants me to have a degree because they had difficult lives as farmers and they wanted me to have a better life then they did, and they always told me to pick something that I loved so much that it would feel like I never had to work a day in my life, so I felt a lot of pressure to pick the “perfect” degree. And that on top of my already very momentary interest in experiencing things really put a lot of pressure on me. My parents had moved to another country while I was doing my first major and when I quit they wanted me to pick a major in that country so I could join them. I didn’t want to live my home but I did, mostly because, hey it’s a whole new country to explore. When picking the new major I decided on something, but at the very last minute I was with my friends and they brought up how I was really creative and such so I picked a whole different major then I had planned to because again, they really got to me. And since my inner world is almost non-existent, I picked the one they suggested me to.

And also, I have a very unhealthy tendency of using people, for example, the first thing I did when I got to this new country was to date someone so I had someone to explore this new place with and new friendships don’t come with the same level of companionship as a relationship does. And something that makes me feel like I might not have Fi or that it’s underdeveloped is that, I really have no self respect in a way, or I don’t really care about it. I will argue fervently about how other nationalities see my nationality as a “toy” and then I proceeded to use the characteristics of said toy to attract a woman with a car and a very comfortable wallet. And looking back at my previous relationships, I never really liked anyone, it was always because I wanted something. I dated a guy just because I argued with a friend and I knew she liked him. I dated a girl because she was smart and gave me summaries to study for exams and did my homework. And the thing is that I don’t want to do those things but I also don’t bother to get what I want in another way because other people are just so much easier for me to convince to do something then it is to actually convince myself to do something that isn’t immediately gratifying or pleasurable to do.

Se+Ti+Fe: And I don’t know if this is maybe a part of Se+Ti+Fe, but I’ve always been very competitive. My interest has always been momentary, and I know that, which also made me aware that I never stuck with anything long enough to master it. Which probably triggers a sense of inadequacy in me and a need to show others that I have something I know I don’t instead of actually fixing the part of me that is creating my insecurity. So, anytime someone even suggests they are better than me at something, or that I can’t do something, or that I SHOULD do something, I get so annoyed that I will run over my life just to prove them wrong. When I finished middle school, everyone was saying how I should be an engineer, and pick science as my main program in high school, and I was so annoyed that other people thought they knew what was best for me, that I pick the arts program. I don’t regret it, because I learned a lot of interesting things. But it was still a very bad way to decide something.

Auxiliary Fi: The reason I think I have auxiliary Fi is because now that me and my dominant Se keep turning my life upside down, for no logical reason, I started looking within. Like why am I doing this? Or why can’t I stick with anything or anyone for more then a few months? And, I have never been with anyone I actually really liked, it feels wrong and weird to like someone. It feels weird to like something. It’s like I need a reason, an external reason to want something. Almost like I need an ulterior motive to pursue anything. Because again, I don’t have anything in me that is strong enough to get me to pursue something. Like, I’ve had a crush on a friend since I was in highschool, which is why I have literally always avoided her in any possible way. When we go camping, I will cross a river if I have to just to know she’s as far as possible. It actually irks me to feel my feelings. One time, I actually decided to sleep out in the open because I forgot my tent and the only other one with space left was hers, and then lucky me, she wanted to fall asleep stargazing, and suddenly I wasn’t tired at all and decided to go for a walk to count bats.

It’s like I purposefully avoid things that mean a lot to me or that I could actually feel something towards. And also, ever since I was little I really wanted to be a wildlife biologist or ecologist, I loved national geographic, Jane Goodall, David Attenborough, Tarzan, the Jungle Book. I love being outside and seeing nature, learning about it, documenting it. I even kept an animal encyclopaedia where I wrote down all the animals I saw in my farm and the forest around it or the beach near my house, I was always exploring it. But as I grew it started feeling wrong to like things. Because I saw how I’d experience them and then I’d stop liking them. So deep down I actually believe, that when I like something or someone, and I pursue it, that I’ll stop liking it.

But now, I’m in the second year of my current bachelor, and even though I hate it, I’m gonna finish it. And with the year and a half I have left, I’m studying biology, geology and math on the side so I can go and finally take the bachelor’s I’ve always wanted. But sometimes, before I start studying, I fear that I shouldn’t because if I love biology then it means that I WILL stop loving it. But a part of me knows that I’ve always loved and been in nature. Especially now that I moved to a “concrete”/modern country, it really accentuates how much I miss nature, and how important it is to me. Even though logic and past and current events show that this is what I want, part of me still thinks I’m somehow lost and doomed because I’ll feel empty again soon.

But nature means the world to me. The sea has always been my special place, whenever I’m in it, especially when the waves are really tough, I feel at peace. Same with nature. Like when I see a giant tree, maybe it’s everyone idk, but it actually feels like I’m levitating. And I’m also that weirdo that needs to touch the trees, there’s this actually need to do it, like if you were starving and suddenly there was a tasty roast right in front of you. Like I HAVE to connect with that tree or something. The same thing with all the activities I keep doing, I HAVE to experience it. Maybe that’s more dominant Se then auxiliary Fi though.

And I also love writing. I work on about 5 different stories at different times. But they all have the sort of same thing going on. It feels like a way where I can connect with my feelings without actually having to acknowledge them.

Tertiary Te: A lot of times, when I feel incompetent, or like I’m lacking something, I cling to external achievements or expectations. For example at the start of this year in university when I started realizing that I really didn’t like this degree, it was moving into some capitalist things that I really hate, I know marketing and such have their purpose but it’s literally brainwashing people into losing themselves enough to buy things to do things that will not help them in any way. But instead of looking for other options, I immediately thought how I couldn’t just quit from a second degree. What would people think of me? (Maybe that’s tertiary Fe…) So, instead of seeing other options, I clung harder to this one, I became this weird but satisfying accomplishment machine, I worked so hard for like 3 months. I even started going to the gym at 6am before class even though I didn’t have to which was weird.

But yeah, after those three months a little voice in me woke me up, asking why I was investing so much of me into something that meant nothing to me. Something that I was really against. And I was scared, because if I didn’t have what I had in that moment, then what did I have? There was nothing shinning anywhere, so what was I to do? And I certainly couldn’t look within. I am so terrified of my inner world most of the time, that when I’m not fully entranced into what I’m doing I put on my earphones in max volume just so I don’t even have to hear my own thoughts or get in touch with myself.

I even started looking into the whole “ego death” thing because it feels much easier to me to just erase any inner feelings or dreams or hearing what my heart wants, then it is to connect with my inner world. Because I do know that there’s almost nothing there, and whatever is there now, will change really soon. My wants are so fleeting, it feels like that scene from harry potter where he’s trying to catch a letter but when he’s almost grabbing one, another one takes its place. And in a way I guess all my “letters” say the same thing but in different ways, I’m just so unskilled in deciphering my own “language” that I can’t understand them.

Auxiliary Fi + Tertiary Te (Or auxiliary Ti?): I value freedom and I think everyone is different. So it’s always been really hard for me to grasp society. Not society, but capitalism I guess, in most countries it’s like capitalism is the current culture of most countries, globalization and such. I even twisted the final papers for two of my classes just so I could dive deeper into this subject, because it’s so weird for me to wrap my head around it. I just can’t understand why most people accept it, in a way I am a part of said system, and when I lack confidence in my inner world I follow the achievements of the system to guide me. But maybe this is auxiliary Ti? I’m really unsure about my auxiliary function. The thing is that, before, I really had this need to get people on board with the way that I though or viewed things or make them have the same opinions as I did. Then I grew a bit and tried to understand people’s point of view, but I couldn’t and I still judged them. So now with the help of my therapist I’m starting to understand that I don’t have to understand, there is no definitive answer to most things, and it’s not my job to find it either nor will it actually bring me any fulfilment if I find it either. And it's also not my job to get people to think the way I do, because I don't know either, I used to kind of think that I knew better then others and that my way was "the way" but it's not, there is no right way there's just ways. So, yk, it is what it is.

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Assessment-wise, this is a very clear-cut case because all signs point to ESTP. The evidence for Fi and Te is virtually non-existent.

Is it possible for someone with high Fi to lack depth of inner experience to the extent that you describe? Possible but not plausible. There would have to be a third mitigating factor operating behind-the-scenes that has seriously and severely disrupted the type development process. However, there is no obvious sign that such a mitigating factor exists.

Could the factor be an undiagnosed disorder such as ADHD, OCD, or even a personality disorder? Again, possible but not plausible. If you suffered from a psychological disorder to the extent that it severely disrupted auxiliary development, you would exhibit far more crippling dysfunction in daily life.

Development-wise, the main problem you describe is existence without essence, which is attributable to a troubling imbalance between Se and Ni (that afflicts all immature Se doms, so it's not abnormal). Through investigating the functions, you've come to have a good understanding of Se and its unhealthy extremes, which is great. But it's not enough.

Although you've been gradually raising self-awareness, you still haven't gotten a good grasp of the auxiliary function, which is why you aren't able to populate the auxiliary and tertiary parts of your profile with enough info to decide between T and F. Reading through your profile, all of the judging function descriptions are quite weak, so I'm basically forced to determine which pair is the weakest of the weak.

One thing you may not realize is that ESFPs are not random. Whether healthy or not, Fi points ESFPs in very particular, personally significant directions. This makes them naturally loyal to their personal preferences and values, which easily translates into commitment.

Of course, ESFPs do also have the potential to suffer commitment issues because of Se adventurousness. However, they will always choose things that speak to and reflect a coherent sense of self that lies at the foundation of Fi. Since Fi acts as a personal touchstone from which inner identity manifests into observable behavior, ESFP decisions are rarely random.

Contrast this with you: you have no such touchstone, do you? You've said that you are empty inside, which is why you go wherever the wind blows. You have no strong values from which to stay loyal to yourself, right? If you had Fi, you'd understand that this kind of self-betrayal is unacceptable.

There is a world of difference between underdeveloped Fi and the complete absence of Fi. You describe the latter. An underdeveloped function should still be readily observable, misdirected as it may be. Your understanding of Fi is so poor and there is so little evidence of it that I don't think ESFP should even be under consideration.

In your case, the evidence suggests that dominant Se has been allowed to wreak havoc because you keep ignoring Ti development. You are capable of impartial self-evaluation and even realize when you make decisions for nonsensical "reasons". But you proceed anyway. Why? If you're like other unhealthy ESTPs, it's partly because stopping for reflection is (unconsciously) viewed as a hindrance to Se-Fe loop.

You obviously care about some important things, such as nature and the dangers of capitalism. But rather than nurture and cultivate these seeds within, you purposely try to reduce how much you care, because... glob forbid you'd have to commit? The consequence of this self-sabotage is that life is lived far too carelessly, without any meaningful direction or purpose.

Can you really be shocked that you are empty when you have done everything in your power to keep the most meaningful things in life at arm's length? The problem isn't that you are too easily carried away by whatever you value most (Fi); the problem is that you aren't. You basically talk yourself out of the best path at every turn.

It is dysfunctional Ti that so easily detaches from and rationalizes away self-betrayal. It is dysfunctional Fe that keeps trying to merge with the world at the expense of one's own individual growth.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, Im an INFJ who's studying pharmacy. I'm usually very good with reading texts & can handle thick books in a long period of time. Its easier for me to focus that way. But simultaneously, Its strangely hard for me to focus in verbal lectures: like if I dont have the script of the lecture, sometimes my head just went blank, & usually at the parts I havent understood yet before the lecture:*]]]

Like when I have to endure the lectures long enough, my brain starts to stop absorbing what the professor is trying to tell us, & I start being unable to hear anything at all, like im being deaf.

If there's anything newer than the script, I have to record the part, get back home, listen to that over & over again while my friends are already moving on with another new topic. If i want to cut the time, I even need to upload on a script maker extension to ease my troubles. But this bad habit wastes my time & would make me fall behind my peers If i dont fix it.

I want to at least tolerate verbal lectures better than I am now, so in case I cant find pre-written scripts of lectures, I can still note down important details that is only taught in the hall with more productivity. I feel weirded out that my friends are all better at immersing lectures when there is a voice reaching their ears even when sometimes professors dont say anything different from that script at all. Thank you for reading & have a nice day.

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This topic is already covered in the learning and study section of the site index, please read. It sounds like you lack the ability to mentally organize information, which is an important facet of critical thinking skills (the lack of which generally indicates underdeveloped Ti in INFJ).

You ought to review material before lectures so that you have a basic structure to work with. You ought to take appropriate notes during a lecture to extract and build more structure. You ought to organize your notes after the lectures in order to solidify the structure.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello, dear mbtinotes. We are two sisters who learn a great deal from your writings and truly enjoy reading them. I am an INTJ and three years older, while my younger sister is an INTP. I would like to begin by thanking you for your insights and apologizing for any possible mistakes in my writing, as English is not my native language.

There are many things I would like to ask you about my INFJ father. However, I want to do so without blaming him and without holding on to the anger, hurt, and disappointment I feel toward him—although I honestly do not know how to let go of those feelings. I want to understand him and perhaps see things, even a little, from his perspective. Neither of us has been able to do that, and as a third-party observer, I am sure you can see things more clearly than we can.

As far as I can remember, things were not the way they are now when I was a child. Because my mother was rather neglectful and critical, I loved my father deeply and almost saw him as a god. I knew I could run to him with any problem and trust him completely. But my sister never felt the same way. Even though she loved him and was always sweeter and more accommodating toward him than I was, we both knew she was pretending and that her feelings of love and respect for him were not entirely genuine. Back then, I could never understand my sister. There was always a wall between her and our father. She could probably see the cage we were living in even as a child, while I could not.

I am now 25 years old and studying at university from home, while my sister studies in another city. We still do not have financial freedom or independence, so I cannot simply leave either.

While writing this, I realized that I still have not even reached the main point. My father has always been someone who sees the worst and most disturbing possibilities in everything, constantly implying them and teaching us to see the world that way as well—especially when it came to men. Without even realizing it, I spent the last ten years fearing men and avoiding them, and even now I still struggle to become close to them.

My father is extremely religious and sees his beliefs as the only truth. Because he feared both the dangers of the outside world and the untrustworthiness of men—and because relationships between girls and boys were already considered sinful in his view—he always believed his behavior was justified. He taught us that the outside world was terrible and that the safest thing was to return home before it even got dark.

My sister was not affected by these things in the same way I was, so perhaps she managed to protect her mental health better than I did. As for me, I developed agoraphobia and became unable to leave the house alone, which eventually led me to therapy. My panic attacks were severe. I cannot even say that I have made much progress. There was a period when I even put my studies on hold because simply going to school felt terrifying. But back then, unlike now, I could not yet see how much responsibility my father had in all of this.

Because I was the naive one, I did not simply wake up one morning and suddenly realize what was unhealthy or wrong. The first time I was truly shocked by my father, I was ten years old. There was a woman wearing a short dress on a television program, and out of nowhere my father said, “If she were my daughter, I would kill her.” (Sorry for if it’s not allowed to mention or disturbing) I thought he must be right—that it was a sin, after all. I was ten years old. Years later, when I brought it up to him, he said, “I was never serious, and I’m sorry for frightening you so much,” but that did not fix anything.

The second incident happened during a very difficult period in our lives. My mother had fallen into such a deep depression that she could barely leave her bed, my father’s shop had completely failed—we were never financially well-off to begin with—and we had moved to a village I found unbearable. I had important exams at the time, and no one except my sister seemed able to adapt. I was 17. One morning, while my father was driving me to school, I kept repeating that we needed to go back, and in frustration he said, “I have no other choice. What am I supposed to do, kill myself?”

That morning, something truly changed for me, and not in a good way. I realized that I did not have the strong, solution-oriented father who would never give up—the father I wanted and believed I had. It felt as though I had lost him that morning. And that was when my anxiety began.

Over the years, there were no other major incidents that stood out in the same way. My sister and I both started university, although even for my sister we arranged things so that she could stay with our grandmother in another city. My mother was satisfied with how things were. She was also extremely anxious and overprotective.

While all of this was happening, we were getting older, and my father would constantly give us contradictory messages. On one hand, he would say, “You are grown up now, you need to stand on your own feet,” but on the other hand, when I was twenty-two and wanted to go on a simple one-day trip to another city with five female friends, he said, “Let’s not take the risk, it could be dangerous.”

And despite all of this, up until just the past month, I was not even angry with him. Can you believe that?

A few years ago, influenced by the cases of girls running away from home that he watched on a low-quality morning TV show, he said, “You can have a boyfriend, I allow it, as long as you don’t run away.” As if this were not something we were inherently entitled to.

And I, foolish as I was, was even happy about it. I already had no men in my life anyway, partly because of my fear of men. I may be blaming him more than I should for this situation. My lack of a boyfriend might also be related to the fact that I chose a field of study that is mostly female-dominated and not very socially active. I am sure that even if I had liked someone, I would have kept my distance anyway.

His “permission,” which I previously thought of as insincere, also feels somewhat contradictory. In a strange way, I am not even afraid of him, and recently we have even managed to assert dominance as two sisters and eventually get him to accept what we want. For example, I stopped participating in a religious ritual that we had always performed, even though I did not want to do it anymore. Despite his two-week-long sulking, emotional arguments, and even crying, he eventually accepted it, even though he kept saying things like, “If you were in my place, what would you do? I am sure this is the right path, and I want to protect my loved ones from God’s wrath.” Still, he accepted it.

My sister had a major influence on my decision. She seems very unhappy with her life and appears depressed, similar to my mother. I knew she hated this ritual but would never say it out loud—both because she was afraid and because she felt hopeless. I am a strange person in that, despite not wanting it at all, I had also adapted to it and had stopped feeling discomfort about it since childhood. But her unhappiness triggered something in me.

My sister once said, only once in her life, “If I didn’t have you, I would have no one.” She is also my best friend and perhaps the reason I am able to cope with life at all. So when it comes to her, I no longer feel any fear.

Last night, I told my father about all of this as honestly and unfiltered as I could. He said he understood and agreed with me, but he also seemed angry—like he was trying to suppress his anger. When I asked, “Are you sure?”, he said, “Men are very trustworthy. Don’t you see what’s happening around you?” and then brought up disturbing things that even a religious figure had recently said. I realized then that changing him would be impossible.

I guess I should learn to deal with it until I leave home.

Another problem is that he is a somewhat obsessive person. Even if he does not cause harm, he fixates on people. Because of this, me leaving home would not have solved anything. Last year, he used to take my aunt’s daughter to school in the mornings as well, along with me. He has seen her as his daughter since her childhood, or at least he says so, and he was extremely overprotective. The girl was an orphan, and in our religion it is considered a great virtue to take care of orphans like a father, so I believe his sincerity. In the end, the girl became overwhelmed by his behavior and said she did not want to stay in contact with him anymore. He did not accept this for a long time, kept messaging her, saying “let’s resolve whatever the problem is, you are like my daughter.” I told him, “If she doesn’t want it, she doesn’t want it. Let her go. Everyone has their own life,” and after a while I managed to shift his focus away from her. Even this process says a lot about him. In general, he has a tendency to fixate on people. I cannot even imagine, even in my wildest nightmares , as his first child, I do not want to see him anymore. On the other hand, I am in a state of deep guilt, anguish, and pain because everything has come to where it is now. I am angry. I just want to live.

I also believe in the same God he believes in, but for completely different reasons. However, whenever he tries to exert pressure, I feel disgusted when he talks about religion.I have started grieving for the father I wished I had.

At university, I have a professor, a respected and well-known academic. One of the best in his field in the country. From many details he has shared about himself, I am almost certain he is an ENTJ. He suddenly came to our university last year, and this had an unexpected effect on me. He showed me great interest and appreciation. He liked my intelligence and the way I think; when he would start a topic with “let me tell you something interesting,” both his eyes and mine would light up. I had suddenly become his favorite. Being valued by someone I admire and respect so much made me feel valuable. Although this feeling is completely unfamiliar to me, it made me feel good in an unhealthy way. That man became the father I had imagined. For the first time, I was encountering someone like this. My fear of men aside, I felt a strong sense of trust, being understood, and closeness toward this man. Maybe for the first time, I thought, “men can sometimes be wonderful as well.” My fears at school would disappear when he was there; on the days he was at the university, I felt safe. But this time there was the fear of being percieved as an idiot or a failure. He cares the exam scores too much. As you can see, my life has become tangled and everything is mixed up; this is not a healthy relationship either. I need every perspective, every solution, every approach you can offer.

With love, take very good care of yourself.

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I'm glad you and your sister like my blog, thanks for saying so.

Generally speaking, long-running issues with feeling "tangled up" in relationships could be due to a variety of factors, some of which may be interrelated, including: 1) lack of independence, 2) lack of healthy boundaries, 3) self-esteem or self-worth issues, 4) lack of social skills. These topics have been covered a lot, search the tags.

You are in university, which means you are an adult, yes? You do not think or act like one, though. As an adult, do you not have every right to make your own decisions based on what you believe is in your best interests? Independence, psychologically, means you do not allow yourself to be unduly influenced by extraneous or irrelevant forces.

What your mom and dad choose to do with themselves is none of your business. While your loved ones know you and may offer good help and advice, at the end of the day, you are the one who is responsible for your actions and must bear the impact they have on your well-being and personal growth. At the end of your life, you are the one who cares most about whether you lived it well.

It seems you have not given enough thought as to exactly who you are and what you want out of life, so you look to others for guidance, but it means ceding control to them. Do you want your well-being to always lie in the hands of others?

People don't get stuck for no reason. What is it you hope to gain from your entanglements? It sounds a lot like you want approval. Well, the cost of seeking approval is being reliant on the praise of others to boost your self-esteem and self-worth.

The antidote to low self-worth is self-acceptance. Examine the ways in which you judge yourself and why you need others to approve of you. Why can't you see your own potential and develop it? Envisioning personal potential and pursing it should come easily to Ni doms.

Generally speaking, INTJs are not approval-seeking creatures. Ni+Te tends to produce a strong sense of independence. Either you are mistyped or something has gone awry with your development. I don't have enough info to comment on either case.

It's not your fault if your father sheltered you or prevented you from growing up properly. As a small child, you don't have control over such matters. However, it is your fault if you allow it to keep happening as an adult. As an adult, the onus is on you to think for yourself and draw boundaries to protect yourself from harmful influences.

Healthy boundaries are derived from a foundation of self-respect. You must understand your worth, know your rights, and advocate for your needs. If you won't, who will? This is an especially important lesson for young women to learn because they are generally socialized into being too agreeable and accommodating.

As long as you are desperate for approval, you always leave your door wide open for bad actors to exploit your insecurities. Bad people do not segregate themselves by gender or religion. Bad people can be found in every demographic. You will never be safe from them as long as you are too easily manipulated by a few words of praise and encouragement.

Speaking of bad people, it's good you've realized that your father's view of the world is naive. This is generally a consequence of limiting one's learning to religious doctrine. Oversimplified thinking is a common symptom of poor critical thinking skills, and this can unfortunately be passed down to children through parental influence.

A lot of people prefer the world to be simple and easy to understand. That way, they don't have to expend a lot of effort to learn and they don't have to confront all the scary unknowns of the world. In other words, a lot of people prefer to live in a bubble.

However, the consequence of living in a bubble is being unrealistic. Your view of things is woefully narrow, and this will certainly make it difficult to make good judgments and decisions as you go through life. This is your father's legacy, but you don't have to accept it, do you?

Being unrealistic can have a terrible impact on relationships. Your father tends to "fixate" on people? And now you're doing the same thing with your prof. It's also difficult to avoid bad people when you don't see people realistically.

Your parents did not model healthy relationship behavior, which may have led you to adopt an insecure attachment style. I suggest you learn more about relationships so that you at least have a theoretical understanding of what a healthy relationship ought to look like. You may not be able to avoid every bad person every time, but you should at least arm yourself with the intellectual tools to spot them sooner rather than later, before you get in too deep.

You exhibit a tendency to idealize people, only to be blindsided by the truth later on. This problem can afflict anyone but is exacerbated by unhealthy N use. Your father did not model the right way for you to use N, so this is something you must work on, if you hope to avoid falling prey to the bad side of your N function. Consult the study guides.

University is a unique time of life. It ought to be a time of self-determination, self-exploration, self-cultivation, and self-insight. It ought to be a time of expanding your horizons, growing your social network, and exploring all the possibilities available, both professionally in terms of career and personally in terms of relationships.

One of the big disadvantages of living at home during university is that you may not be able to escape home influence enough to freely learn and grow and mature. Being aware of this constraint, it means you ought to make every effort to learn as much as you can about yourself during this time, away from the judging eyes of your father.

I'm not talking about living a secret life of debauchery. I'm talking about creating enough space to get the life experience you need for popping your bubble and reconstructing a more realistic worldview.

[mbti-notes]

Im typing a character & considering whether she is IFP or IFJ(Im ISTJ). I lean on unhealthy INFJ for her arc of being betrayed: she got petty & plotted revenge. Fe users resent others that did them wrong more than Fi, right? But I was refuted Its easier for FPs to be vindictive. Chara aside, can you tell me what type gets vindictive for being wronged more easily: Fe bc they value mutual agreement & being socially approved, or Fi bc their boundaries & precious feelings violated? Thanks a lot.

Acting upon vindictiveness generally tends to be a complicated multifactorial decision, thus, it cannot be reduced to a single function.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello,I’m writing to ask for some perspective on a situation in my family. I understand this isnt sth a child should get involved in, so I’m trying to approach this carefully and respectfully.I’m an INFJ teenager, and I’ve recently noticed some changes in my mom(ENFP)’s behavior after a new neighbor moved in nearby. She’s been putting more effort into her appearance, wearing perfume more often, and at times seems unusually light or distracted. It’s subtle, but enough that it stood out to me.

I mentioned it to my older brother(ISTP), but he doesn’t see anything unusual. He has a temperament very similar to my dad—both are calm, reserved, and not very expressive—so I think he may simply not pick up on these kinds of emotional shifts.

For context, my dad (INTJ) is a very steady and responsible person. He provides well for our family and is consistently present. At the same time, he is also quite hard to read emotionally and tends to keep his thoughts to himself. I can see the strengths in that—he’s composed, reliable, and doesn’t bring outside stress into the home—but I sometimes wonder if it creates distance. At the same time, he’s not inattentive & I think hes pretty caring in his way. He’s perceptive, which makes me unsure whether he truly hasn’t noticed anything, or if he has and is choosing to wait.

I did something I’m not so proud of—I followed my mom once when she went out, because I wanted to understand whether my concerns were just in my head. It seemed to confirm that she was intentionally trying to see this neighbor, although nothing inappropriate happened.

I later spoke to her privately. She didn’t deny it, and instead explained that she has been feeling emotionally unfulfilled for a long time, and that this situation brought those feelings to the surface. She made it clear she does not want to harm our family, but she feels conflicted.

My mom has always been someone who seeks newness and intensity. She gets very interested in new ideas, hobbies, or projects, but often moves on once the initial excitement fades. She values individuality and new experiences, and she described this situation as wanting to rediscover a “fresh” feeling in herself. This is NeSi imbalance, right? She dreads with "dull, repetitive" stuffs & we help her with manual, paper stuffs as she gets easily paralyzed with details. I think she struggles with Si pretty bad. My dad often goes along with her interests and supports her, which I see as an expression of care.

If someone who tends to seek novelty feels drawn to a new person, is that feeling likely to last? Or could it follow the same cycle as other short-lived interests? Is this Greener Pasture syndrome? Is this a fair or complete way to look at it?

I haven’t told my dad, and I don’t plan to, because I feel that’s not my role. At the same time, I do wish there were more open communication in our family in general.

I would really appreciate your thoughts on a few things:

Is it common for long-term marriages to reach a point where one partner seeks a sense of newness or emotional intensity like this?

How can someone tell the difference between a temporary emotional phase and something more serious?

In situations like this, is direct communication between spouses usually helpful, or can it sometimes make things more unstable?

As their child, how do I maintain appropriate boundaries while still being supportive in a healthy way?

More generally, how can a reserved person be gently encouraged to express themselves more within a family? Is this something that can be encouraged gently, without creating pressure?

I’m not trying to solve this myself, but I would like to better understand what a reasonable and healthy response looks like from my position.

Thank you for your time.

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You say you're trying to "better understand what a reasonable and healthy response looks like" from your position, but I don't believe that's entirely true based on the questions you've asked. Re-read your questions from a more objective vantage point and you may discover that they are not the right questions to ask.

"Is it common for long-term marriages to reach a point where one partner seeks a sense of newness or emotional intensity like this?"

If I say 'yes', then what? If I say 'no", then what? How does asking a general or hypothetical question help with this particular case? Whether it's generally common or not doesn't matter because the fact of the matter is it has already happened.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like what you're actually asking is whether your mom is "normal" or "abnormal"? I'm not going to make that judgment because: 1) I have no interest in judging people, 2) I believe people are entitled to their feelings, and 3) I believe feelings have important messages to convey about personal growth.

If you don't understand these three points, you're likely to have a problem with setting healthy boundaries. Looking for ways to invalidate people's feelings isn't going to turn out well.

"How can someone tell the difference between a temporary emotional phase and something more serious?"

In this question, you're basically asking me to predict the future. I don't possess that superpower. And even if I did, I wouldn't use it, because I believe everything that happens to people can be turned into a meaningful experience, no matter the outcome.

Whether it's temporary or something more serious can only be determined through discovery, by allowing things to unfold as they need to. If you don't understand this point, you likely have control issues. It's better to learn this lesson young: Attempting to know the unknowable or control the uncontrollable often leads to suffering.

"In situations like this, is direct communication between spouses usually helpful, or can it sometimes make things more unstable?"

Once again, a general/hypothetical question isn't going to help with handling this particular case. Why? Because general trends won't tell you whether these two specific people possess the necessary psychological tools to work through this issue constructively.

In order to answer this question, you would have to perform an objective analysis and assessment of things like their: level of emotional maturity, level of communication skill, level of conflict resolution skill, level of motivation to resolve the problem, etc. If you really wanted to do this assessment, couples therapy would be the best place.

"As their child, how do I maintain appropriate boundaries while still being supportive in a healthy way?"

Being a teenager, you haven't had enough life experience to achieve a deep understanding of the concept of boundaries. There is a lot for everyone to learn on this front. You may not understand everything I'm about to say but, with more experience, you will eventually get it.

Drawing appropriate boundaries means, first and foremost, understanding what is and isn't your business. Is their marriage your business? No. It's between the two of them. While the status of their marriage may have practical or financial impacts upon you, this does not grant you any say over how they make decisions about their personal life. You don't get to control such things.

I would argue that the main concern with regard to boundaries is that you are not acknowledging your feelings. Not acknowledging feelings properly is what allows them to spin out of control and subsequently violate boundaries in relationships. This is a common problem that is related to low emotional intelligence.

When you have difficulty acknowledging and validating your own negative feelings, it's not just a personal problem, because it will inevitably impact how you approach others. Just look at how difficult it is for you to accept your mom's feelings. I can see that you're making a valiant effort to be understanding of her, but it's obvious that you view her feelings as unacceptable. Can you admit your judgmentalness? Can you face up to this darkness in yourself?

I don't think you can yet because the questions you've asked exhibit signs of intellectualization, which is an unhealthy defense mechanism that people use to hide from their own darkness. Your questions are unconscious attempts to predict and control the situation, which reveals a lack of healthy boundaries. You're very emotionally involved, otherwise, you wouldn't try to do something. Are you able to admit it?

There are many reasons why people can't admit their true feelings. In this case, it is likely because you want to see yourself as handling the situation "maturely", "objectively", "supportively", or something along those lines. The point being made is that you won't handle the situation maturely if you can't even be mature enough to acknowledge what's really happening inside yourself.

No matter how old someone is, whether 4 or 40, it is normal for children to want their parents to stay together, is it not? In fact, it would be quite abnormal for a child to be unaffected. Most children react with anxiety, worry, sadness, or anger. If you don't want to violate boundaries, the first step is to admit your feelings, admit what it is you want, and admit that you are heavily invested in the outcome, rather than pretending otherwise.

Pretending means you are far away from truth. Without truth on your side, can you be confident in your steps? Truthful self-awareness means that you understand your motivations, i.e., you are transparent to yourself. Self-awareness helps people make wiser judgments and decisions because they can be completely honest about their biases and expectations and account for them properly.

Many people don't understand that lack of self-awareness means behavior is motivated by forces that remain hidden. This has wide-ranging implications. E.g. It's why we can't shake bad habits. It's why we play out the same destructive relationship patterns over and over.

Do you really want your family to communicate more openly and honestly? Well, it should start with you, shouldn't it? Why do you expect it of others but not yourself? Be the one to break the pattern. Or is there some reason you can't, some reason you won't acknowledge?

"More generally, how can a reserved person be gently encouraged to express themselves more within a family? Is this something that can be encouraged gently, without creating pressure?"

Yet another general/hypothetical question. There is no way to predict and control and guarantee the outcome you want. If you hope to eventually have good social skills and healthy relationships, you have to accept that human beings are changeable and conflicted and therefore unpredictable, and it's not a bad thing.

Have you considered the possibility that what's occurring with your mom isn't actually a "problem" but rather something that needs to happen? It doesn't sound like you have, probably because your view of the situation is that of a child, too small and narrow. For example, you're only thinking about "pain" and not considering "potential". Many couples get divorced and end up living better lives because they got out of a situation that was no longer working for them, right?

If your mom's feelings are legitimate, they will get expressed because it is necessary for her growth. If your dad's lack of expressiveness is a developmental issue, it will continue to cause problems for him in every relationship until he addresses it honestly. No amount of subtle manipulation behind the scenes on your part is going to change the long-term outcome of their long-running psychological issues. Do you understand this?

If they're meant to stay together, they will. If they're not meant to, they won't. Only the two of them get to say what the outcome will be. The most you can do in a situation that is none of your business is refrain from making things worse or more complicated than they have to be.

Of course, you can try your best to encourage positive movement toward a resolution, but don't expect that you can change the inevitable. If you've ever read any ancient Greek myths, you will find many examples of people trying to meddle with a "prophecy" only for them to accidentally make it come true.

I'm not saying there's nothing you can do (powerlessness) or that you shouldn't care (indifference). The point I'm making is that you have a lot to learn with respect to: 1) doing deeper reflection on what exactly is motivating you to get involved, and 2) doing deeper reflection on the implications of your actions and whether they will indeed lead to the best outcome in the grand scheme of things. Both of these points fall comfortably within the scope of Ni+Fe development.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi! INFJ here. My question is about mentors. When choosing a job an important aspect for me was to resonate with my superior, them to see and believe in my potential. So I ended up having an ENFJ boss. It's interesting and I feel streched and pushed out of my comfort zone: she is spontaneous, social but when she needs me to find a solution I can see what she is talking about. I was wondering what are the advantages and disadvantages of this colaboration from a mbti point of view.

I see changes in myself. I became more action-oriented in good ways but I also feel restless and I have trouble sleeping. We already have 8 months of working together and she told me that she is satisfied with my work and that she likes me. On one hand I admire her, on another hand I feel a bit exhausted. What can I do?

--------------------

I've already devoted many pages to relationship pair analysis, please read them. You're not ENFJ and never will be. While there are things you can learn about how to bring out the potential of certain functions, you shouldn't try to be something you're not. And you certainly shouldn't allow outside forces to change you into something unrecognizable, that is, if you hope to maintain a healthy sense of self.

As for your feelings, are you placing achievement over well-being? If so, others will follow your lead. People won't respect your needs when you aren't aware of them, devalue them, or don't attend to them. In any relationship, be it professional or personal, if you believe your needs matter, stand up and speak up for them as necessary. It sounds like you could use some lessons in assertive communication.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Isfj audhd. All the guides say dom Si has strong attention to detail but I can't seem to make my brain capture details tho I try. I easily rmb details that pertain to ppl /rmb without trying, but technical, 'dead' details not about ppl just slip from my grasp like water. I'm quitting my current job coz it requires meticulousness and tho I really try, taking notes, triple check, wait a bit before checking work with fresh eyes, I inevitably will miss out sth.

In my prev job this was not a problem as my boss was not particular but my current boss, istj, has a steel trap mind. Margin for error is v low & she gets very frustrated and v v critical. Sometimes I also just interpret things completely differently than her and do it another way which I don't realize until she notices and starts to question me (ASD). She has grown more frustrated w me over time and so more critical and harsh.

I understand her pov bc I probably come off sloppy and like I didn't think things through despite repeated reminders; she is extremely extremely meticulous and particular about things done a certain way. It is so so so stressful. I can see that I'm not fitting in, not able to produce work to the standards required, but I feel like I have no control nor does communication help as she only wants to see results/ output which is understandable.

Holding on till I leave but how to put this into perspective? I'm leaving aft only 3 mths. Ppl are understandably shocked, try to counsel me. Bc I feel like I've failed, their well meaning qns/advice adds to self doubt. I usually try to wait before drastic decisions (like quitting) but I really couldn't see how this situation will improve and my mental health has gotten worse and worse. So I almost impulsively quit (thought about it over 3 days)

I think it's the right decision bc even tho I have an out, my mental health is still v bad. So I keep trying to 'fix' this in my head. What could I have done differently? Is it me? I'm ashamed that her harshness triggers my anxiety & panic issues, I feel v sensitive. Do I just need to somehow toughen up? Or is it just as simple as, a bad fit? And I'm anxious how I'm sposed to handle this in future if it repeats. I feel like a failure basically. Advice?

--------------------

You claim to be ISFJ and, since you are of working age, presumably an adult. Before I respond to your question, describe to me what have you done so far to develop the functions of your stack?

As far as I can tell, you don't have a good grasp of Si, which leads me to believe that you haven't done much in terms of development. Why is that? My blog is meant for people who are serious about type development. This is not a place to randomly ask for advice whenever you feel bad about yourself. Is it worthwhile for me to answer your question if you're not going to work on your functions?

First of all, your conception of Si is flawed, which is concerning considering it's the dominant function. You're talking about processing "technical" information, which wouldn't be Si but Ti. Since Ti is a lower function, it would be understandable to struggle with it. However, assuming that type development has gone accordingly, you should already have a certain level of proficiency with the tertiary function in adulthood.

If you don't understand how to use Ti at all, that is a problem, because it means something has gone awry with your type development process. Unfortunately, I can't speak on it because you haven't provided any information as to why this might be the case, since your focus is on your feelings rather than development.

Secondly, the way you react to criticism in such a self-dramatizing way is a symptom of unhealthy Fe. Do you understand the difference between being a failure and failing?

To "be a failure" is to attach the concept of failing to your personal identity. To approach failure as identity is to believe it is a reflection of who you fundamentally are, specifically, it is treated as proof of your moral unworthiness, which then compels you to punish yourself with pointless guilt, shame, and self-loathing. The result? Damage to self-esteem and getting stuck in self-pity.

To "fail" is a factual event. To approach failing as a purely factual event is to impartially analyze and understand the causal factors that led to the event. Only then would you understand how and why it happened. From there, it is possible to generate good ideas about preventing it from happening again. The result? Significant increase in knowledge, skill, and competency.

Treating failure as identity is an indication of unhealthy Fe. Being unable to treat failure as a factual event and systematically learn from it is an indication of underdeveloped Ti. Sitting around ruminating on failure in circles, with no tangible benefit and only feeling worse about yourself, is likely to be Ti loop.

Finally, it seems you haven't understood that type development problems always begin at the top of the stack. Targeting Fe or Ti isn't going to work as long as dominant Si remains immature, so I must revisit the question from above: What have you done to develop Si?

For example, why are you surprised that you failed? If you were a realistic person, as Si doms ought to be, you would understand that it's perfectly logical to fail when you are bad at something.

Imagine that I had never played football before or never exercised a day in my life and you threw me into a game with professional football players, would you not expect me to trip all over myself and fall flat on my face? Furthermore, would it make sense to call me a failure, to take failing as my identity based on this? It would be terribly unfair to hold me to the same standards as a professional player, would it not?

For some reason, your expectations of yourself are unrealistic. Why is that? Where is your Si in being able to apprehend and accept the plain facts of the situation? Where is your Si in understanding that it is not realistically possible for a person to be naturally talented at everything? Every person has their strengths and weaknesses, do they not?

Generally speaking, when you happen upon a weakness, through discovering you're not good at something, you have many options:

accept it and work with it -> healthy Si

leave it as an unresolved thorn in your side -> unhealthy Si

embrace and accommodate it -> healthy Fe

tell yourself you're worthless -> unhealthy Fe

systematic learning and improvement -> healthy Ti

criticize yourself on an endless loop -> unhealthy Ti

experiment with practical solutions -> healthy Ne

blow the situation out of proportion -> unhealthy Ne

I don't tell people what to choose. I only tell them they have a choice.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello mbti notes!! I hope you're doing well, first of all i just wanted to say this blog is amazing for the amount of effort it was put in it and it has been very helpful to me.

I'm 23 years old, INFJ (I think), and especially between last year and this one I've been struggling a lot with myself, I'll also give a bit of context if needed but I'll try to keep it digestible.

My main issues currently are

1 - Identity crisis and negative future predictions

2 - Doubting my own abilities and the way I think/perceive the world

3 - Struggling with relationships and sense of belonging

I'll try to elaborate a bit on each of them, I've been thinking about it a lot, over and over again, and while I can see there's a commonality between all of them and there definitely could be something going on with the way I'm approaching things/thinking, like an imbalance, it's so hard for me to tackle it alone even if I'm trying my best to get educated and improve. I think it's relevant to say that I can't afford therapy anymore but before I had to leave my therapist was suspecting depression and GAD, and Im pretty sure I've had depression for at least a decade now so that could be influencing the way I think.

Identity crisis & Negative future predictions

Because of mental health struggles and a very unhealthy breakup of a relationship lasted 6 years, living together for 4 of them (I was trying to escape from my household, abusive), I failed out of University (Im from Europe, it's cheaper here), my anxiety spiked so much that I couldn't get myself to talk in front of professors or even go outside. Because of this and the ending of my relationship, I had to move back to my parents' house and they have a habit of putting me down, they also are extremely ignorant regarding mental health, definitely unhelpful as I started to show very clear signs that something was wrong and they used it to ramp up their verbal attacks against me, which in turn fed the loop of my health getting worse. I have issues sleeping, waking up, getting up, doing anything, focusing, I dissociate a lot, and I can't eat properly, and i don't have access to resources that could help because I live in a very small village and my family doesn't have much money.

I am very ambitious, I love to study and learn more about pretty much anything but especially my fields of interest, but my parents probably don't recognise it because they just think I'm a good for nothing and should just settle down with a wealthy husband and a "stable job" instead.

Of course I try not to think about it, but as time goes on and they refuse to help with any of my attempts at improving my future by withholding money even for basic necessities or medical visits, I can't shake the feeling that this is headed in a very bad place and that I will never get what I want out of life, and in my head this isn't me being negative but just realistic. I've tried to think about it logically, but it just seems like no matter how I put it there's no way to get out of this, and for a year(s) every day has been a miserable loop of unhelpful thoughts and regrets about the past, to a point where I feel like I completely turned into someone else (identity crisis).

I know a lot of this must be because of my untreated mental health/insufficient treatment of my underlying conditions, but there are no jobs available here for me to take that into my hands and fix it so I'm trying to focus on what I can control, so supposedly the way I think about it. I am taking steps to hopefully get out of here and rely on community as I escape once again from this household in a bigger city and cut my parents off (either entirely or to a degree where I can live peacefully), but that will take time and until then I want to be functional enough and improve wherever I can. I was angry at them, or at my ex for basically treating me like them, but I've let that go and realised that at least regarding my ex it was me who let his behaviour continue without consequences, and I understand why I felt like i couldn't break it off back then, but I've thought about my role in it and I just see it as a lesson to never let that happen again. I try to have some sort of philosophy or meaning to get me through very hard things, but what I'm living now is so unnecessarily complex that I cant possibly think of anything to contextualise it in a more positive/neutral light, if only I had more support I would be much better, but I have to accept this is my situation and this is what I should work with. Easier said than done, I cant stand it.

Doubting my own abilities and the way I think/perceive the world

I see people around me be way more accomplished and functional, but as I said I find it very difficult to focus because of dissociation and whatever emotional turmoil I have going on or whatever "daily crisis" I have to deal with because of my unstable chaotic household. It's all very stupid honestly. I used to be an avid reader before, studying always energised me and I did do freelance in the art field for a bit, I also started setting up a group for green activism, so I'd say at my best maybe I have something to offer, but I cant really believe it now. Since I can't focus everything I've built for myself is eroding, ever since I came back here it feels as though all of the momentum I had crashed to the ground. Last time I was here I was convinced that moving away for university would be the turnaround point where I leave the household and I can finally achieve my goals, so I was working hard every day, but now that I know what could happen and that the future timeline is negative I'm basically paralysed and usually spending my days doing very impulsive things or bedrotting. Feels like im on my deathbed. I don't like it, I want to improve.

Struggling with relationships and sense of belonging

In my village there are 300 people total, I'm one of the few young ones, and even in that demographic I really don't relate to the ones that live here. They are contempt, usually share the same closed mindset that can be typical of village people, which in a way is good for them because they live here and can feel happy but to me this just accentuates the divide between myself and others and the world around me. If I were to open up about my struggles, people around me wouldn't understand. I have online friends, but even they usually don't get why I push myself so hard. I cant let myself rest, it's been more than 5 years since I've watched a movie alone or did anything for entertainment unless a friend doesn't want to do It with me, at which point I do just to make them happy, and I enjoy it a lot, I think good media (books, movies etc) sparks something in me, since the field I'd like to work on is also a creative one (visual development), but I can't focus and calmly sit down to read or watch something - not even for pleasure.

Im trying very hard to change this but it's a big block in my mind, my parents used to be very strict when i was a child, so now I can't help but feel a lot of guilt when I'm not doing anything "productive", and their definition of productive is extremely limited, but then again now they put me in the "failure" category, so I'm not expected to study or do productive things either, which leaves me in a state of nothingness. They just ignore me and I lock myself in my room all day. In a way, I can finally take agency over my life and work on my career, but some part of me is very drained and doesn't have much energy to dispense anymore. I am slightly ashamed to admit it but it'd be nice to have more support. I have some supportive friends but they're very far and can't be of any concrete help since I've learnt that venting doesn't actually solve much, but at least I've found a few people that understand and pushed me to take more decisive action (as soon as I get out im going to the hospital and looking for local resources that can help me).

Mbti related

Because of a lot of what I've said, I've also been starting to doubt my type. I do relate a lot and I've read about functions, it might be because I currently don't feel like I have any strengths.

I've started to doubt Ni a lot, because I've been getting lost into details and overwhelmed by them and I can never seem to syntesize them effectively, even when it comes to the future I think everything is just turning negative, I don't think I'm good enough at Ni, but I'm not good with Si either, plus I dont relate with Si at all.

I'm not easily contempt with the little things, tho I'd surely enjoy to have a baseline stability in my everyday life and I do try to be appreciative and practice gratitude for the little things, it is definitely not enough. I despise the idea of living in a small comfortable bubble and that kind of stagnation and monotonous life feels like hot sludge, I've tried to get used to it, but it makes me suffer a lot as I see it as a meaningless existence (it only applies to me, I kind of appreciate people who are contempt like that and I think I can learn a lot from them, tho sometimes I do get negative feelings towards them if I feel like they are trying to make me fully adopt their mentality).

Regarding Ni I believe it's probably the best fit for me. I'd say im very contemplative especially when I'm calm and not dissociated, from the outside I look like im zoning out or unaware most of the time, I definitely feel like an introverted perceiving function is my dominant and I've made a very brief case for why I don't think it's Si. I tend to also be more vague and conceptual and disregard rigid structures and processes, I don't have much respect for authority or whatever societal construct is put in place if I feel it's harming people or just unnecessarily convoluted (hence why activism), but on the other side I doubt my reality, myself, my abilities and my perception a lot so I might be completely off. (Identity & Reality crisis again).

Even before finding out about mbti, my identity always felt a bit unstable, I think I overly relied on people and tried to emulate them to make up for the fact I feel very different from everyone, not in the sense that im special but more like "i barely feel human and I don't relate". Also, if I am Ni dom and infj I dont have a good grasp on myself because I try to be like others. I have a friend that is very good at getting things done, he is very functional and positive and I'd like to be more like him but i just can't get myself to, and I fail to see any worth in myself and what I do especially because it seems as if im losing control over my mind and my future is disappearing, while at the same time I'm constantly reminded of my past failures by my parents. It's a bad spot to be in, i usually dont concern myself much with whatever happened but my mind is very easy to twist and I can start to loop and overanalyze every little thing and the implications of doing x thing instead of the other. Exhausting, that's why i spend my day sleeping or doing nothing.

Anyway hopefully this wasn't too much/too long/too loaded or vague. I understand if it's something you don't feel like is useful to answer as I don't know if I did the best job at explaining myself, but I wish you a good day! Take care and thank you again

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I'm glad you find my blog helpful, thank you for saying so.

I understand why you would doubt your type. I can't comment in detail unless you do a type assessment, but suffice it to say that it is always best to assess type when mentally healthy. At low points in life, one's subjective view of oneself can get very distorted because of often behaving in ways that aren't consistent with who one really is (due to tertiary loop and inferior grip). For what it's worth, you haven't said anything that would make me seriously doubt INFJ, so I feel fine leaving this topic aside for now.

The main topic I'd like to discuss is human growth and flourishing. I believe you really want to improve yourself and your life, and it's unfortunate you've met so many obstacles. Is there a flaw in your thinking that, if corrected, would help you get life in better order? As far as I can tell, the point you're not quite understanding is that there is a process one must follow in order for growth to happen, and not following the process often ends up sabotaging growth.

A common example of self-sabotage is not making use of resources. This can manifest as: talking yourself out of action, saying 'no' to good opportunities, not taking good advice, not reaching out for support as needed. Something that many successful people can't or don't like to admit is that they didn't do it all on their own. Society tends to glorify the results, without understanding what went into obtaining them.

Actors need a crew to film a movie. Singers need musicians and producers. Writers need a way to publish. CEOs can't get rich without keeping employee wages low. You get the point. People exist in a web of interdependence. In the real world, lots of jobs are gotten through friends and acquaintances. If you've bought into the myth that the best kind of person is a "self-made" person, then I'm afraid to tell you that you may not get very far in life.

Just look at how ashamed you feel to reach out and ask for help. It's not a healthy mindset to be an island. People need people. I know it's not always easy for introverts to socialize but you have to treat socializing as you would food and drink - it's a fundamental need that requires fulfillment. Can you live without social support? You can survive physically but you won't be in great shape psychologically.

One of the best things you can do for yourself is connect with people more often. Studies have shown again and again that having good relationships is a key, if not the key ingredient for living a full and meaningful life. For many people, their social network shrinks dramatically as soon as they leave school.

You have to understand how important it is to develop a habit of meeting new people on a regular basis. People don't only offer support and companionship but also opportunity. Thus, the fewer people you know, the fewer opportunities you'll encounter in life.

I'm not saying you need to have a million friends. The point being made is that, if you care about continually broadening your horizons, then it's a good idea to keep meeting new people who can inspire you, encourage you, and teach you new things.

Another common example of self-sabotage is social comparison or wishing to be like someone else. It's a mental shortcut that leads to self-harm. In essence, you're imposing someone else's story on yourself, perhaps out of envy, but this means your story will never have a chance to get told. How can you become the person you're meant to be if you never allow yourself the freedom to discover who you are?

When you get criticized by parents or feel pressured by societal forces, how do you react? You react by comparing yourself against their standards (unhealthy Fe) and then feel bad about yourself. This means you still have a lot to learn about independence. A lot of people think independence is about going it alone. No, independence means growing up and being able to think for yourself and make judgments and decisions without being unduly influenced by irrelevant factors.

If it's a bad idea for you to impose other people's stories on yourself, then it's also a bad idea for you to allow others to impose their standards upon you. You are not under any obligation to meet anyone's expectations. Your obligation is to well-being, to set up the conditions that are needed for growth, such that you become a productive and contributing member of society.

There are many ways to be productive and contribute and feel that you matter, so don't let other people's small-mindedness make you small. Give yourself space to imagine and create a life that suits you, otherwise you'll never find true fulfillment. Ni seriously needs work if you can't imagine possibilities.

Beware that Ns sabotage their own growth sometimes out of ignorance (of the importance of following the rules), sometimes out of arrogance (in thinking the rules don't apply to them), by wanting too much too soon (unrealistic), or by trying to skip ahead to the more complex before having the basics taken care of (unreasonable).

One of the downsides of being too "big picture" is that it can cause you to continually flub the details, and then the big picture never really comes to pass. It's all well and good to strive for an ideal of who you want to be, but the ideal will always remain an empty image until you are able to implement a realistic step-by-step plan to get there. In other words, ideals don't pay the bills.

To help you understand the growth process better, you can refer to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Human needs start from basic and then gradually move to the more complex. For example, if you don't even have your basic physical needs taken care of, such as food, clothing, and shelter, then you won't have the right frame of mind to take care of more complex needs, such as social belonging or self-actualization.

This is similar to the concept of "paying your dues". It means you have to start from the bottom and gradually work your way up to the top. Being at the "bottom" sucks, but it's the best way to ensure that you have truly earned your success all along the way. And only then can you feel genuinely proud of your achievements.

Yes, life isn't fair, because not everyone is forced to start at the very bottom. Some people take shortcuts because they have more privilege and resources handed to them through family or geography, but know that this has invisible effects on growth. However, that's their story, and their story is ultimately irrelevant to yours. Comparing yourself to others is just an exercise in self-violence.

To write a good story for yourself, you have to start with the facts of your situation and move forward from there. You have to focus on what you need, what resources are available to you, and what you are able to accomplish with the opportunities that do appear.

In order for Ni to remain focused and determined, you must learn the difference between what can and cannot be controlled. The things you don't have the power to change, such as an unfair society, are just noise. If you can't tune out the noise, you'll never have the discipline to pursue sustained progress.

It's a lot easier to focus when you have a feasible plan in place. Right now, your thinking is messy. You're busy with feeling bad about yourself and also want too many things all at once. You have to think smaller, focus on the first steps, and then build up from there. Attending to the basics means that you always have something to work on, even when you don't have a final destination settled.

No matter who you are or which path you end up choosing in life, whether it is simple or ambitious, it must always begin with having a healthy body. A healthy body is a prerequisite for a healthy mind. Even when you are lost in life or have no idea what to do, the basic act of taking care of your body is the best starting point. Being physically healthy, you'll have more mental energy and emotional capacity for taking on life's challenges.

I cannot emphasize physical health enough. Studies have been done on young students and they've found that simply eating a good breakfast or eating more vegetables increases their ability to concentrate, learn, and retain information. Studies have been done on people of all ages that show how important sleep and exercise are to cognition. Recent studies have shown that diet and gut have a significant influence over symptoms of depression and anxiety. People really underestimate how much physical health affects mental health.

Yes, it takes some money to be healthy, to afford good food, sleep regularly, and have enough leisure time to exercise. Financial independence should be a priority, and it is a process of starting small and working your way up to better conditions. There's a reason young people flee small villages and towns. There are indeed fewer job opportunities in rural areas. But making it in the big city can be hard. It requires commitment, determination, and resilience. You may have to make sacrifices for awhile, such as living in cramped quarters, working long hours, or confronting urban blight.

The question is how hard are you willing to work for your future. Are you willing to nurture patience for starting at the bottom and working your way up? What's the alternative? Learning to be content with simple village life. Like you said, there's nothing wrong with village life per se, but is it the life for you? If you genuinely believe it isn't, then you know what you need to do. Listen to Ni when it tells you that there's more to life. It's not about getting greedy or ambitious but about knowing that you have greater potential to fulfill and then taking action.

Be careful about saying things like "poor mental health causes me to fail". Mental health is rarely so simple. It could be the case that failure caused poor mental health as well. To improve mental health is also a process of starting at the bottom, with the basics. Break it down into smaller steps. Start with taking control over the smaller things in life, such as removing little obstacles/distractions and setting short-term goals, and then work your way up to bigger things, slowly building up self-confidence along the way. Self-confidence is very important for maintaining an upbeat attitude and it is best accrued through incremental steps.

If you didn't make it through school the first time, it doesn't mean you will never make it or that there are no other options. Past performance doesn't have to dictate future outcomes. Your success depends on whether you learn from your mistakes.

If you struggle with Ni-Ti loop, then chances are you have a bad habit of blowing mistakes out of proportion. Serious question: What good does it do to beat yourself up? Blame is pointless, not to mention exhausting. Not every failure is a moral failure that requires guilt, shame, and punishment. Learn to be less dramatic and face up to mistakes and problems more pragmatically.

When it comes to failure, it is to be accepted as a fact of life. Think of it this way: You have to be bad at something in order to eventually become good at it. This is a biological fact. It takes time and corrective practice to form a new neuronal connection in the brain and develop it into a rich network of knowledge and wisdom. There's no escaping failure because it is necessary for learning how to do better. Expecting perfection means you're out of sync with reality. Perfectionism is really just ego and ego is just another distraction.

Learning is an ongoing process, with many blocks and breakthroughs. Growth is an ongoing process, with many setbacks and successes. Humbly respect the process and keep chugging along.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi! ISFP writer here! I'm here to bug you about two of my fictional characters.

One is the ISFP protagonist of a story I've written, and the other is an ESFJ English professor who takes advantage of him in that story. The ISFP's name is Gabriel Hemingway and the ESFJ's name is Professor Denver "Devo" Colorado.

(Please note that, despite my protagonist being a self-insert, it was not an English professor who took advantage of me. This isn't meant to be a direct 1 to 1 fictionalization of my own life.)

Gabriel is autistic and has a fear of abandonment from past familial emotional abuse which often clashes with his very high moral value dominant Fi. Gabriel very much has this sense of moral obligation to do good, this overwhelming need for justice, and he's very particular with how he lives his life, which causes him to think he has Si-Te as his dominant and auxiliary functions, which he doesn't. Someone also told Gabriel that he was an ISTJ, and he just ran with it, because he is deeply insecure about how logical he appears to the world. He is very gravely mistaken in that regard. I think Te grip shows up in this way, his desire to destroy himself and become someone "better" in his eyes. Having auxiliary Se, he often spoke his mind a lot and dominated conversations with personal information up until Devo took advantage of him, which Devo uses to his own benefit by creating an emotional bond with this unhealthy power imbalance, very much toxic manipulative Fe from Devo. The reason I went Fe-Si for Devo, rather than my initial assumption of Fe-Ni for Devo, is because he has this sense of moral superiority over Gabriel and this unique Machiavellian sense of entitlement over him, this sense of "my way or no way" that reads to me as Fe-Si, more than Fe-Ni.

Just look at this monologue from Devo. I think it's pure toxic Fe-Si.

"I know you. I've been you. I can save you. I can help you. I know it. I was like you. An angry, sexual mess. Truth is, there is hope. Hope for a better life, a better world, one where you don't have to suffer so much, but we both know that you can't achieve that without me. You need me. I know you need me even more than I needed you. I've got 20 years on you, kid. We are student and mentor, master and slave, god and worshipper, lover and lover. I know you need me for everything. I've given you my help. Now you pay the price for it. Your devotion. Your love, for me, only me. Who fucking needs Ruby?! Who fucking cares about Ruby? Who gives a shit about the old girl? She doesn't care about you. She doesn't love you. I do. I love you. That's the cost of healing, your soul. This is what healing requires, sacrifice. I can fix you. I can make you better. Or, I can punish you. Make you worse than you ever were. You are a puppet in my hands. So… Dance, puppet boy, or pay the price."

Feel free to type both of them, but I am more curious about Devo (who I currently have typed as an ESFJ) than I am about Gabriel. Devo's not directly based on anyone I know in real life, so I'm less confident about how I have him typed.

Thank you for your time! I hope I'm not bothering you with this ask.

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Please read the study guides and follow the instructions on the contact page before submitting. You haven't addressed all the functions and the functions you did describe lack specificity, so there isn't enough information to perform a proper type assessment.

There is nothing in the ISFP character description that would make me doubt ISFP. However, there also isn't enough information for me to definitively rule out every other type. For example, this kind of self-destructive character arc isn't uncommon for INFPs as well.

As for the other character, you have to explain exactly why you think it is "pure toxic Fe-Si" because I don't see a strong case being made for either auxiliary Si or Ni. I could just as easily argue that the grandiosity of the statements are more indicative of Ni's inflated sense of self-importance. I've actually heard real-life ENFJs make such statements before (not toward me personally, but awful to hear nonetheless).

If this is the best you can describe the characters, then your characterizations may lack depth and detail.