This blog is about Jungian type theory, analytical psychology, and personal growth. Most of the Q&As discuss problems related to personality, so I don’t recommend following unless you can handle such content. Note that some people are mistyped, so avoid overgeneralizing from their experience.
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Anon wrote: I’m a 25 year old INFJ and I am trying to rethink my relationship with the digital world in general, and AI in particular. I remember when ChatGPT came out and I had just ended my only intellectually stimulating relationship. Out of loneliness and curiosity, I asked it to debate me on something and it felt so hollow and unsatisfying that I gave up on using it for that.
These days, I mainly use it as a search engine or tutor. I ask it to help me debug my code but I feel like it’s robbing of a learning opportunity. I also ask it for advice sometimes which I feel isn’t good for me to do because it has never lived and doesn’t truly know anything.
I struggle with making up my mind about things. I can go a few days without using it and I’ve even heard from interviewers that I’m a breath of fresh air bc I don’t recite AI generated answers to questions. However, I still feel too reliant on it and want to cut it out entirely.
I’m curious what your opinion or advice is because you know a lot about psychology and learning. I learned about Bloom’s taxonomy from this blog. Btw I’m a nontraditional age college student so I’m especially interested in building my own reasoning ability and see it as a potential differentiator between students who don’t use AI or use it minimally and those who outsource everything to it. Any insight is appreciated. Thanks.
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I have opinions but I'm not sure I have much advice. If you're familiar with Bloom's taxonomy, it holds some valuable clues about which direction to go in.
Judging by the think pieces I've read, there seems to be growing resentment about having AI forced upon people in academic and professional settings. This is on top of the resentment that people, especially younger generations, feel about being trapped by the addictive nature of social media platforms.
Unfortunately, because different people use tech in different ways and for different purposes, there's no one-size-fits-all solution. We each have to define our relationship to the digital world according to our own needs. It's not a black-and-white issue of use or don't use. I suggest developing a nuanced understanding of the best uses and applications and then sticking to them. A tool is only as good as its user.
You're not entirely on your own because there are lots of people grappling just like you. Perhaps you would feel better to surround yourself with more like-minded people on this point. But you are on your own in the sense that you have to take the initiative to protect yourself because no one's going to do it for you. We can't trust tech companies and governments have never been ahead of the curve.
If you studied cognitive psychology a few decades back, you'd be able to guess that something resembling LLMs were coming, and you wouldn't find them as impressive as the tech bros do. Honestly, I'm not a fan of AI in its current form. But I'm also not in a position of being compelled to use it. I certainly understand the pressure that high school and college students feel to use it or else "fall behind". And there are certainly lots of groundbreaking applications of AI in various professions. I can grant these points but still be critical of AI overall.
Crucially, your question isn't about the usefulness of AI but more about the influence that heavy AI use has over people's psychological development and intellectual growth. We're not talking about using AI for mundane busywork but about letting it into the mind.
Personally, this is where I draw a big fat red line. Developing a healthy relationship to anything, whether it is a mentor, a celebrity, or technology, involves setting reasonable boundaries and enforcing them with a set of rules. Boundary setting is generally a very important skill that needs to be learned and practiced throughout life. It's an essential aspect of self-care and, when done properly, boundaries create the right conditions for growth. Boundaries keep bad things in check.
An example from my life, I've used AI sparingly for things like comparison shopping or compiling lists, but I have always refused to use it for writing. This boundary is non-negotiable. For me, writing is inextricably intertwined with thinking. Being a philosophy major taught me just how important it is to think methodically, critically, and independently, so I nurture and protect my mind to a degree that many people would be unfamiliar with.
There is a "place" in my mind, perhaps you can call it the core of my intellectual self, that is absolutely sacred and I don't let anything or anyone in there without good reason. It is where I carefully work through ideas and build up my repository of wisdom. I wouldn't sully this sacred place for all the money in the world. If I hadn't built this sacred place as a teen, I wouldn't be the person I am today.
Do you understand the concept of "sacred"? It's a word people don't use much nowadays. Sacred means recognizing how extra-ordinary something is and treating it with the respect and reverence it deserves. To treat something as sacred is to be willing to sacrifice on its behalf. When nothing is sacred to you, you'll find existence to be quite empty, as you float from one sensation to the next, never really connecting with anything.
People sometimes ask me about their lack of fulfillment in life. One good piece of advice is to stop taking the sacred for granted. There has to be something that you value and cherish and devote yourself to protecting. A good place to start is yourself. If you don't even hold yourself or something about yourself sacred, such as your own mind or your soul or your integrity or your passions etc, your existence will slowly get corrupted by the profane.
How does this relate to AI use? Whenever you put anything, whether it is AI or a possessive lover, in an intimate position to influence important elements of your mind, like your cognition, feelings, beliefs, values, worldview, and outlook, you basically make yourself highly vulnerable to getting hijacked and controlled by an outside force. Your very identity could be at stake, right?
Due to the slow nature of ego development, most people don't have a very solid or strong sense of self. Humans are very malleable and there are many factors in life that influence the formation of identity. Unfortunately, this makes people very easy to manipulate and exploit. There's a reason why most people are followers.
If you want to avoid being manipulated and exploited, then you need to build self-awareness of your vulnerabilities. When you truly understand the importance of being your own person and fully owning all the good and bad of yourself, you will feel compelled to reflect upon all the major influences in your life, from your parents to the media to AI tools. Armed with self-awareness, you can then actively enhance the positive influences and mitigate the negative ones.
Major technological advancements always usher in new skills while making others obsolete. For instance, how many people still know how to use a loom? AI will undoubtedly lead to humans developing in new ways, and that's one direction you could pursue. What your question is concerned with, though, is which abilities are going to get lost, and is the loss acceptable? It's an impossible question to answer if you're not even aware of the potential for great loss.
Outsourcing your ability to think is indeed harmful in many ways and research studies are starting to bear this out. Students who use AI shortcuts in school are losing or failing to develop the ability to parse, dissect, reason, analyze, evaluate, connect, synthesize, create, and learn deeply.
You say you struggle to make your mind up about things. This means your thinking skills aren't fully formed yet (i.e. you haven't gotten to the "analyze" and "evaluate" levels of Bloom's taxonomy). You have a choice to make as to whether they will ever be fully formed. I've talked a lot about the importance of building up intellectual skills like critical thinking, so you can refer to previous posts.
What are we without the ability to think for ourselves? The higher education system has built itself up around paying lip service to the higher order mental capabilities outlined in Bloom's taxonomy. Yet, the system has now become complicit in its own demise by embracing the very tool that causes widespread decline of critical thinking skills.
It used to be that the "elites" in society justified their existence simply by waving their expensive degree parchments. But widespread adoption of AI is forcing a reckoning among the most educated. What does it mean to be "smart" and who among us is truly the smartest? Who among us has actually developed their critical thinking abilities enough to rise above rather than succumb to technology's soul-crushing temptations?
Traditionally, the well-educated have taken pride in the intellect and like to say it separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. That we are aware of ourselves and able to reason about the future are fundamental aspects of "what makes us human". Personally, I would also add our ability to cultivate deep passion for the sacred to the definition of what makes us human.
Are we harming ourselves when we lose or surrender what makes us most human? Should we try to retain our old identity, or should we now start to define ourselves differently? These are tough philosophical questions. While philosophical questions seem abstract, they do have a direct impact.
For example, I take pride in my analytical writing abilities. I've spent a lifetime developing these intellectual strengths. There are certain elements of my thought+writing that AI cannot replicate. But what if one day it could? When my greatest strengths are rendered irrelevant, how will I define myself? If I can't find purpose through expressing my greatest strengths, what's left? These questions are existentially urgent.
Right now, in academic discussions about how to fight back against AI job annihilation, people bring up this idea of "leaning into your human strengths". Basically, what can you offer, as a human being, that AI can't? If you can discover and leverage it, then you'll presumably always be employable... in some capacity.
Sounds bleak. But this connects to the feedback you got from interviews. The interviewers were hungry for a "human" response and you were able to oblige because your mind hasn't been infected and hijacked yet. You can still express your own thoughts, in your own words, using your own unique voice.
Currently, there are lots of things that AI can fake, but it can't fake an authentic human voice that is born from the chaos of hardship and hard-won growth. If you've followed me a while, you know that this is precisely what I promote. I believe my lifelong project of facilitating psychological and spiritual growth is now more important than ever.
Growth, in terms of realizing one's greater potential, is not a given. Growth is not fated. Growth is a choice humans alone possess. That more people don't choose growth makes sense because it is the more difficult path. The first step in becoming your own person is to make a conscious choice to walk the uncertain and unknown path that is uniquely yours, rather than the path of least resistance or the path that has been laid out for you by parents or society... or Silicon Valley.
It is the difficulty, the demand to push our limits, that makes growth feel earned and satisfying. Challenge makes us smarter and more resilient. As a teacher, I've always maintained that it's a bad idea to teach kids to expect learning to always be fun. I believe that learning ought to be a bit painful as you stretch and even break your mental muscles to think in novel and sophisticated ways. (anyone who's read Hegel understands lol)
The pain of learning, of wresting with what you don't know or can't yet do, actually helps encode progress, expand the mind, and build character. AI can mimic us all day long but it doesn't have the capacity or tools to build real character. Character is what allows us to stand out. And character is what we lose out on if we always choose the easy way.
The promise of technological advancement has ostensibly been about freeing up time to live a life, so is that what's happening? We abandon that promise as soon as we choose to dull or homogenize the mind to the point of stalling our own growth. If you don't want the life of an automaton, then don't let a machine take over your life.
As INFJ, reflecting on the bigger picture is what guides you in the right direction. Be mindful when choosing your personal and professional pursuits. Do they ultimately lead to stagnation or growth? Will they eventually allow you to feel that you have lived your life well? Do you understand what a well-lived life is? You won't unless you're willing to struggle hard with the question and eventually come to a conclusion that aligns well with your latent potential.
Anon wrote: 22, infj. (Diagnosed depression, anxiety, panic disorder) i’m trapped in a perspective that i want to change, but i don’t think i’m able to outthink this or change this without outside help. all experiences i have from my past are mainly negative. being ignored, shunned, unnoticed. i feel like these experiences have severely effected me, more than i am admitting. i have felt invisible, and i always felt that pain was the worst i have ever felt because when you are unimportant and ignored as a being, you feel like you’re dead while you’re alive. i have no idea how to address these experiences and successfully move on from that pain.
i want to use my ideas and knowledge to push something forward, to become close to others, to solve problems. i want to be close to others, know others. i have the control now to participate in these things but i feel a huge sense of fear. im held back by what others might think of me, and also by doing things that i “should” be doing. i reply when talked to, im kind when i need to be, i make jokes on the situations i find myself in. but i still feel passive. when i meet with professors, i’m so afraid, that i desperately google how to talk to professors so that they like you and don’t hate you. i don’t feel any passion towards the material or my own ideas because i’m so focused on not seeming pathetic to them. i try to avoid making them angry/annoyed and avoid wasting their time. i’m paranoid to the point of scanning all their words and behaviors towards me. i ruminate on what it could mean.
i think i learned that whenever i advocate for myself, whenever i struggle, whenever i am human, i get punished by the people around me. when i am speaking with a professor, if they get even slightly annoyed with my question i want to crawl into a hole a die. if i perceive any doubt they have about me and my future or my work, it gives me a horrible feeling of dread and i want to die. in every social aspect, I’m wondering “how am I being evaluated? is this right or wrong? is it okay that I did that? do people usually do that? did i just get ignored or was that normal? do they dislike me? was it just an accident? if they say something is difficult, r they saying they think i cant handle it? r they right?” I wish someone could tell me how to exist socially. Do people just do what they want and feel like doing and it gets them places? It feels like everyone is out to get me. I really want to change these thoughts and way of living and thinking.
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You seem to exhibit many signs of social anxiety disorder. Yes, there is A LOT that needs changing with your way of thinking, but I don't have the cure to mental disorders. One response from me isn't going to change a 21-year-old pattern, is it?
It's best to get professional help. If you're unsure what kind, I suggest starting with dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). It is specifically designed to help you understand and manage emotional life and its impacts on interpersonal relationships. Improving your communication and conflict resolution skills should also be helpful.
INFJs often bring up the topic of social anxiety as it relates to auxiliary Fe development as well as common contributing factors like self-worth and shame, so have you read through those posts and put them into practice? There are also related book suggestions on the resources page that you can look into.
One concept that's likely to come up in therapy is attachment style. It's unfortunate that you've experienced so much invalidation and rejection from a young age. It wasn't your fault that the people around you were ill-equipped to care for you. It's perfectly understandable to develop an insecure attachment style from those past experiences.
Each one of us has an inner child that keeps playing out unresolved issues from childhood. An important part of growing up into an adult, psychologically, is being brave to address childhood issues and lay them to bed, one way or another. The first step is to become more aware of how they hold you back and use that awareness to motivate yourself to change.
The inner child is actually not very difficult to understand. Psychologically, the thing children really need is LOVE. Love means being attended to, cared for, respected, and recognized for who one really is.
When a child does not get enough love, their psychological development generally cannot continue smoothly. They get stuck in childhood in a way. As adults, whenever they face moments of insecurity, the wounded inner child comes to the fore and starts seeking for the love never received. Unfortunately, they may seek it in all the wrong ways or in all the wrong places.
For example, your relationship to a professor is a professional relationship, is it not? It is their professional duty to nurture the next generation. They are there to teach you and correct you so that you can become an expert and make positive contributions in the future. However, just because they have higher status than you in the field professionally, does it mean they are also a superior human being and ought to be granted the right to treat you as less than?
While it is important to get their approval for your work, why do you also seek their approval of you as a person? Why do you allow them to define your value or worthiness as a human being? You didn't get enough love as a kid, so now you have to go chasing love from every person you meet? Every person in the world becomes your new parent? The whole world is now sitting in judgment of you, no matter where you go or what you do?
From this childish perspective, what happens is you project your ego issues out into the world and it skews your perception of everything. For example, if someone speaks to you curtly, you immediately assume it is because they don't like you? They can't be busy, distracted, or impatient because of their own business? People with social anxiety have a very small and egocentric view of the world, so they don't consider these other possibilities.
Basically, you think everything that happens is about you or a statement about you. Someone doesn't smile, you take it to mean they don't like you. Someone doesn't respond to your message right away, you take it to mean you don't matter. Someone gives you negative feedback, you take it to mean they've rejected you.
Do you see the contradiction in making everything about you on the inside while, on the outside, making your entire existence about pleasing/placating others? You simultaneously treat yourself as the most important yet also the most worthless person in the world. It's exhausting to live in such extremes.
This is really about YOU and how you go about evaluating yourself. You are deeply afraid of people thinking poorly of you precisely because it confirms what you already fear is true. Their negative judgments wouldn't bother you otherwise. You wouldn't fear being unloved if you didn't already suspect or believe you're unlovable.
Here's the sad truth of people with low self-worth: No matter how much respect or love people show you, deep down, you won't be able to receive it until you truly believe you are deserving of it.
As a child, when people kept telling you, through their words and actions, that you were undeserving of love, you couldn't help but believe it. Children are naive and haven't yet developed the intellectual capacity to counter social conditioning. But now you are an adult, hopefully an adult with a brain, so are you going to keep believing you are undeserving, now and forever?
When you see a child being shunned or mistreated, is your first reaction that they deserve it and even join in? If you have any empathy at all, your first reaction ought to be that children are innocent and deserve protection and love. You didn't get enough love as a child but that doesn't mean you can't give it to yourself now as an adult. Just as you would try to tell an innocent mistreated child that they are deserving of love, can you tell it to yourself?
If you hope to bring peace to your inner child, do you honestly think that continuing to shun them, being your own worst critic, is the answer? No. The best way to heal the wounds of your childhood is to finally give that child what it needed all along: LOVE. You obviously have a great capacity for love, as seen in your strong drive to be a positive force in the world. Why not spare some of it for yourself first?
Can you come to believe you have just as much right to exist as everyone else and, therefore, deserve to have your needs recognized? Until you believe that, you won't be able to assert yourself in relationships. To assert and advocate for yourself, first and foremost, requires YOU to believe that you matter. Self-worth doesn't come from others approving of you; it comes from you knowing you are worthy and acting like it.
People with social anxiety tend to believe that "assertiveness" is about learning how to speak/behave in a way that is most likely to elicit a positive response. That is, they treat assertiveness as an extension of their unhealthy people-pleasing pattern. They continue to bend and twist themselves into a false image of social acceptability.
No. Assertiveness is really about understanding that all people are created equal in terms of being deserving of having their humanity respected and recognized. As long as you keep treating yourself as less than others, you basically invite others to treat you as inferior.
When you believe that you are equal to others, it is no problem for you to stand up and advocate for what you deserve, which are really just the basic things that everyone deserves. Civilized nations in this world have a bill or charter of human rights for a reason. It is meant to empower people to stand up and defend their dignity and integrity.
Advocating for yourself isn't a safe activity. It can create conflict. It can rub self-centered people the wrong way. It can certainly piss off people who were hoping to manipulate or exploit you. Assertiveness creates insecurity in relationships, which can trigger your childhood issues.
The moments in which you get triggered are when you have a momentous choice to make with regard to your personal growth: Are you going to immediately regress to childhood and believe you are unworthy of love? Or are you going to put on your adult pants and obtain the respect, care, and love you need, from the appropriate channels? Keep making the wrong choice and you end up a nobody, getting nowhere, because you've made yourself small, again and again.
Advocating for yourself can be scary. Maybe the anxiety never goes away completely, but you can learn to manage it and proceed to advocate for yourself whenever you believe with all your being that it's the right thing to do. The question is: What is it that you really believe about what you deserve? Are you willing to drop the bad beliefs that have kept you feeling so small?
Until you can expand your view of things beyond your immediate emotional comfort and safety (i.e. get past egocentrism), you won't be able to withstand being an adult. The fact is not everyone is going to like you. That is reality. And it's within everyone's right to like/dislike as they please, isn't it? I'm sure there are people you dislike, right?
If you're going to walk through the world expecting everyone to meet your desires, you're going to keep living in fear, because it is an entirely unrealistic expectation to think you can make everyone like you, or that you can one day behave "perfectly" and be beyond criticism.
Moving past egocentrism requires empathy. Empathy should coincide with auxiliary Fe development. Counterintuitively, proper empathy requires you to understand and accept the reality that other people have their own existence, separate from yours, and it's none of your business until there is a moral imperative for you to get involved.
Even if someone believes they're better than you or that you're not worthy of their time, aren't you adult enough to know better? Are you adult enough to understand that the problem actually lies with them and their icky beliefs? Are you adult enough to leave them to wallow in their own assholery and look for better connection elsewhere?
Once you can set healthy boundaries and psychologically disentangle yourself from others (i.e. establish proper independence), you'll find it's much easier for you to respect yourself and respect others in healthy balance. Have you considered that it is a form of disrespect to reduce everyone around you into a mere source of validation for your ego?
Imagine that you can see yourself and the other person as two different and separate individuals coming together, both equally deserving of respect, care, and love. Meeting on level ground, you can more easily find common ground and encourage each other to express your gifts in positive ways. This is the prerequisite for starting a healthy relationship, in every sphere of life.
Anon wrote: How can I ask a friend of confirmation she likes me or ask her to show me some love or that she cares. I dont have many friend and i am very happy she is my friend. But sometimes it was a long time ago she showed me that, when it is like that I get sad and wonder how she feel about me.
Actually it affect me a lot. I am very sad when I feel far away from her, and i do not need a lot at all. If she hugs me or get happy or we talk and she cares, then I am happy for weeks without needing more, i can live for that for a long time and believe for a long time she is a safe person for me.
If it was a long time ago then I get sad and not very often but sometimes, like once in a half year, if I think she dont care because she has only answered fast on the phone for more than three times and I dont know how to feel closer to her, if i get scared to not have her as a friend, i will get really really sad and hurt myself, but this has only happened like three times.
She has been my friend for about three years. She is enfp and 33 years. I am 23 and Fi type. We met at school but now we have graduated, she was with others at classes so we dont talked much at classes. We studied together when there was no classes, we studied together with two others sometimes. This was first and secound year, many times a week. The third year she found a girlfriend and moved, therefore studied at home instead of campus.
We did things at freetime. She cut my hair two times. When we had internships i called her every two days. Otherwise I call her about two times a month, 15-30 minutes and maybe meet one time a month or a bit less, for me that is enough if I also feel like she appreciate me or care about me etc. That amount is enough and i dont need to meet her more for her to be very important for me. I dont think i am very needy.
Do you have advice? Maybe I have telled to little information, in that case I can write more next time. I get very sad if I think she dont care a lot because she has shown sometimes that she cares, it took one and a half year for me to trust and believe she is my good friend for real. Others would probably say she is friend after half year at most because we met a lot first and secound year and she was very kind and cared.
I think i am a bit slow to trust but she was so kind and I was so happy when I felt she is my good friend, after like 1.5 years. Before that i was also really happy and her companion helped me a lot but i didnt trust she would not stop being my friend, after 1.5 years i counted her like i will trust her to be my friend and i can ask her about things.
I dont know if i am being clear with my problem. Sometimes I want to ask her do you care about me, can you show me some love, but to ask that in those words feel wierd for real.
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What is your exact type? That should be the starting point. Saying "Fi type" is not good enough because there is a world of difference between dominant Fi and inferior Fi. And it's especially unhelpful when you exhibit thinking and behavior that appears to contradict Fi.
This is not some random advice column. This blog is about using the concept of personality type to get deeper insight into oneself for the sake of personal growth. You haven't done the work to determine your exact type and your question doesn't seek for insight or growth, so there's not much I can do for you.
I don't think you've been clear in describing the problem because it doesn't seem you actually understand the problem in the first place. You've spent a lot of words to talk all around the main point, a point that could easily be expressed directly in one sentence. You feel insecure in this relationship? Or, you're having trouble confronting the change or feeling of loss in this relationship? Or, you struggle with an unhealthy attachment style?
I'm guessing that it's difficult for you to label the problem because you don't seem ready to fully admit it. You claim multiple times that you're not "clingy" and "don't need much" from people but then go on to write hundreds of words that put your clinginess and neediness on full display. This kind of unwitting contradiction is often a sign of self-deception, of not being able to fully acknowledge one's own emotional life and express one's emotional needs.
You're approaching this problem from the wrong direction. The first thing you ought to do is reflect on your feelings of sadness and insecurity. These feelings are yours, generated by you, and you must find their true source within, rather than look for an outside object (like your friend) to pin them on. Not taking ownership of feelings and emotional needs is how people get stuck in pointless rumination and miss the point entirely.
Self-reflection as the first step is important because it helps clarify the problem and get at the root of it. At this point, it's very unclear to me what's actually going on. It's unclear whether this problem has only arisen because of circumstance in this specific relationship, or whether it has been or will become an unhealthy relationship pattern.
Given the lack of clarity, I can only go by my previous experience with similar cases, of people who think and behave in a similar way as you. Generally speaking, your approach to relationships raises several troubling red flags that may require more attention than you realize.
On one hand, you are as you say "slow to trust" and keep yourself at a distance, presumably because it takes a lot for you to feel "safe" enough to pursue a relationship. This already raises many questions about your psychology. On the other hand, it is quite obvious that you are hungry for interpersonal connection. What this shows is that you may be sabotaging yourself in the relationship department.
Emphasizing safety too much naturally holds you back from pursuing relationship opportunities, when compared to people who are more open and trusting. If you don't take advantage of and develop enough relationship opportunities, you only make and maintain a very small number of friendships. Is this a problem? Yes.
The result of having too few friendships is you place a great burden on only 1-2 people to meet all of your social/emotional needs. This kind of dependency isn't fair to your friends, and it will eventually be read as clinginess or neediness despite your denials. It's as though you're making your friend into a spouse. The reason it feels weird to ask your friend for reassurance or for more care is because, deep down, you already suspect that what you're asking for may not be reasonable.
You might believe you "don't need much" to feel satisfied in a relationship, but I suspect this is just rationalization. Rationalization obscures the deeper problem of you not doing enough to admit and fulfill your extraverted needs for socializing, connection, and belonging, of you not doing enough to build a full social support network.
I'm not here to be the judge and jury about whether she's a true friend or whether this friendship is real, etc. The only thing I can do is prompt you to be completely honest with yourself about why exactly you discount the plentiful proof of her friendship to the point of needing to ask her the question outright.
Generally, communication should be used to clarify a problem. But "communication" that pins your feelings on others rather than taking ownership only muddies the relationship with ego drama and potentially creates needless misunderstanding and conflict.
On the surface, it sounds like you want to maintain this relationship and are committed to its longevity. No fault to be found there. But it is a very simple matter to request that someone try to contact you more often or spend more time with you, isn't it? Surely you have enough language skill to string together a simple and short sentence like, "Can we spend more time together?" without making a big production out of it. Why would you need my help with that?
But the fact that you phrase the issue as "Do you care about me?" and make a big production of it in overthinking reveals that it goes beyond simple relationship-building and into deeper territory of not knowing how to fulfill your social/emotional needs. If that's the case, then perhaps you must train yourself to be more self-aware and assertive in speaking up about your needs and how you feel. Otherwise, how would anyone know what it means to be a good friend to you?
In a healthy relationship, it should be perfectly okay for people to express themselves openly and authentically and make reasonable requests of each other in an effort to improve the relationship over time. If you don't feel safe to make requests of people, then the relationship is either not as solid as you think it is, or your own insecurity is the real obstacle.
If you have a deeper insecurity problem that prevents you from opening yourself up to develop relationships properly or make more friends in life, then it's not just going to impact this friendship, is it? Deep-seated insecurity will eventually impact every relationship you have, because there will always come a time in the relationship when the other person doesn't behave as you want. You must equip yourself with the right thinking skills and communication tools to handle it.
One final point you're missing is nothing in this world lasts forever. Everything is constantly changing. People change a lot as they build their adult life, move around, start families, take on more responsibilities, etc. Friendships will ebb and flow and start and end, as people naturally come together and grow apart according to circumstance. It seems you are unable to accept this flux and keep wishing for things to stay the same. Are you stuck in the past?
Yes, you should try to keep up your most important friendships. However, you can't stop people when they are called to build a life away or apart from you. You can't fight fate. I mean, you can try, but it's a fool's game. What you can do is arm yourself against fate's worst blows by not putting all your eggs in one basket. If one friend drifts out of your life and you feel like you've got nothing left or you obsess endlessly over it, then you really don't have enough friends and should figure out why that is.
Anon wrote: Hello, mbti notes, hope your having a good day. I'd like to ask for some advice, I'm an ESTP 24F and I have a very serious issue. I can't see beyond right now, I'm constantly doing incredibly irrelevant things or losing time on social media and video games, I don't want to go out because I feel that people will not let me do what I want to do. But there's things that I want to do and places that I really want to reach, and experiences that I really want to experience, but I can't put in the effort right now because I know it'll be hard and I can't put myself through anything that isn't pleasurable.
And then my mind gets plagued with drastic visions of the future where I'm a failure because I never achieved anything. I daydream of what my life could be, but I know that I can't achieve them because I just can't put in the effort, and those visions I want aren't clear or seem too stupid or abstract and it's hard for me to piece together a path to reach them because I can't connect the dots in between. I've felt like I'm stuck for a long time but I don't know what to do unless runaway from this feeling of emptiness and helplessness with pleasurable activities.
I feel like I'm doomed to fade away with the world because I never bothered to be anything more then what I am, I blend in with whatever activity I'm doing and I can't see beyond the moment. Not in a real way anyway, I see what I could be someday, but I don't understand it because it doesn't feel real to me.
When I was younger I was so creative and I would do so many amazing things, that were difficult, but I still did them and I would even challenge myself to make things be even harder so I'd enjoy them more. I would make awesome challenges for myself, my friends and classmates so we could get even more out our tasks, and it was so much fun and everyone loved it. I would talk to the teachers to convince them to add new activities to class, competitions and so on. But now I feel that I lost that grit and willpower, I just see what I could be but that I'm not, and instead of trying to reach my potential I shrink from it out of shame for who I currently am.
Sometimes I'm even ashamed of interacting with people because I feel so ashamed of myself, like I'm the shadow of who I would and want to be, like I'm a farse, incomplete, incompetent, irresponsible, unreliable, careless and dumb, and I'm scared people will see myself the way I do, so when people try to be my friends I just always keep them at surface level so they don't get to know who I really am. I only trust my longtime friends because I know they'll never judge me for anything, and even then I always act like an idiot around them because at least then if they judge me I'll know why.
And the worst part is that I know it's my fault that I am this way, but I have no idea how to fix myself. I never give up on trying to fix things when they go wrong, but these last few years I just gave up so easily on myself. I tried so many things, I even got into spirituality and astrology, but in the end nothing helps because at this point my potential doesn't even feel real. I feel like I lost myself at some point and that was it, I'm upset I am this way, and I say I tried to get better in a lot of ways, but I didn't, I tried something new every week but after not seeing results I just gave up and tried another way.
There were times where I felt like I was back to myself again, but they only lasted for a few months max, then I'd get tired or the hustle and just go back to my unhealthy habits and instant gratification.
How do I get out of this unhealthy and endless circle permanently and actually live up to who I know I can be and also achieve my dreams, and live the life I want instead of being a slave to my whims?
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If you are in fact ESTP, then these thoughts can be interpreted as a bad case of Ni grip. The problem is, there is generally a concrete reason (e.g. a significant stressor) that precipitates inferior grip, yet I don't see what the cause is in your case. Either you haven't provided a full explanation of the causal factors or you could be mistyped.
Check the site index and study guides for detail about how to alleviate inferior grip. Generally speaking, it involves re-activating the dominant function and committing to auxiliary function development.
Beyond type, there seem to be two deeper problems going on. One is related to faulty beliefs. The other is related to unexamined insecurities. These two problems have combined to paralyze you with irrational paranoia.
It seems you hold mistaken beliefs about what it means to be a "worthy" or "successful" person. Your ideas and beliefs on this topic are woefully naive, even extreme. Your way of judging yourself is full of bias and prejudice. You'd probably feel sick to judge others so harshly. It's so easy for human beings to be their own worst critic.
You seem to suffer from toxic shame but it's unclear why. Examine your negative self-talk and determine where it's really coming from. If you're unable to figure it out yourself, cognitive-behavioral therapy would be a good place to start. Maladaptive beliefs hold you back and stall your personal growth because, when you aren't in touch with reality, it is exceedingly difficult to make good judgments and decisions.
It is unusual for ESTPs to be so out of touch, since one of the hallmarks of dominant Se is easy access to concrete reality. When Se doms think too much about the future in the abstract or try too hard to "interpret" what things mean under the surface, i.e. grossly misuse Ni, it is very easy for them to get confused, agitated, or depressed.
What you need to know: When it is the inferior function sending you all these dark "images" or "imaginings" or "visions" about the future, you should always be wary of trusting it. The fact is you don't have a good enough grasp of the inferior function to use it reliably well. However, you can and should heed this troubling Ni activity as a warning that a change in your life is necessary. The longer you put off the change, the louder and scarier Ni becomes.
To combat the bias and nonsense of inferior Ni requires adequate auxiliary Ti development. Auxiliary development should occur during adolescence, but when development doesn't proceed well for whatever reason, it can eventually lead to severe personality dysfunction. Lack of Ti development becomes more problematic over time because it makes you more and more vulnerable to serious bouts of Ni grip that de-stabilize mental health in exactly the way you describe.
What have you done to develop Ti? If nothing, it's time to get started. Without healthy and mature Ti, you will not possess the critical thinking ability to differentiate what is true and what is false. Couple lack of Ti development with Fe loop and basically what you're doing is believing in whatever just because "it feels true".
Feeling that something is true is not objective truth. You can "feel" like you're a bad person, but that doesn't mean it's true. You can "feel" like bad things will happen, but that doesn't mean they will. Have you ever stopped to reflect on what knowing the truth actually entails?
These "feelings" you experience are more appropriately labeled intrusive thoughts stemming from your deepest insecurities (and expressed through inferior Ni). They are entirely subjective and made up by you. They do not reflect reality and they do not tell the future.
To understand reality requires you to, first and foremost, have an excellent grasp of the facts. Healthy Se+Ti should naturally call your attention to the facts, especially when they indicate that your knowledge is incomplete or your thought process is wrong. This gives you opportunity to correct yourself and then correct course.
The fact of the matter is one person cannot know everything. But this doesn't mean they should do nothing. You can know enough to calculate logical probabilities and proceed in life based on well-reasoned analysis. Where is your logic and reason?
The fact of the matter is that no one can tell the distant future, at least not to the degree to which you can be absolutely certain that "doom" is inevitable. To believe that your visions are special in their prophetic powers is delusion piled up inferior Ni delusion.
As Se dominant, you should already be well-aware that reality is always in flux, which means there will always be opportunities for you to change a trajectory you don't like. The problem is you don't recognize your power and are thus not taking advantage of those opportunities. Instead, you are allowing what you fear most to slowly come into being, as you keep talking yourself out of action again and again.
You have the power to change the trajectory of your life at any time you like, simply by deciding to do something different, rather than keep repeating the same vicious cycle of self-flagellation.
Digging deeper into your insecurity, I can sense there is a desire for meaning, which is what Ti+Ni development should ultimately point you toward. It's not a bad thing to want your actions and your life to be meaningful, but you must be very careful about how you go about assigning meaning to things. Your thought process is riddled with harmful extremes and you assign meaning without logic or reason.
If you believe that nothing you do matters unless it can change the entire world, then you need to see a therapist about your megalomania and delusions of grandeur. There's nothing bad or inferior or wrong with being a regular and ordinary person. Ordinary people can still be awesome, do good things to make the world better, and make a lasting difference in the lives of others. I see them doing it every day, and you could too if you bothered to recognize the unsung heroes around you.
To challenge yourself to grow is a good thing (and it represents healthy Ti motivation), so you need to get back to that mindset. The point you're missing is you ought to ask yourself what the purpose behind growth is. It's not just for pleasure. Ultimately, your growth is not only yours. Your growth has an effect on everything around you, and that is where true meaning lies.
There is no "grand" plan necessary. You only need to grant yourself permission to commit to nurturing your gifts and expressing them in productive and helpful ways. This commitment is within everyone's reach. And the fruits of this commitment are what allow each of us to matter in our own unique way. It's not as complicated as you think.
Anon wrote: Hi mbti-notes! Every now and then I check out your blog to read up on Type Theory, because I find it really interesting. I appreciate the hard work you put into the study guides and to answering questions.
I’m struggling with determining whether or not I’m an INFP or an ISFP, and I’d really like your input.
Some context about myself: I’m a 21 year old female, and I’ve struggled with major depressive episodes since I was 16. I’m diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder with mixed features, as I’m genetically prone to manic symptoms (but not enough for Bipolar diagnosis). I also have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder diagnoses. I currently live with my parents and sister. My mom (ENFJ?) is very codependent, and I don’t have the healthiest relationship with her. I don’t have any friends IRL, just online. I’m a creative writer, and I work as a writing tutor for my university.
I’m most definitely Introverted. Engaging with the external world (such as going outside) drains me, and I need to be on my own to recharge and feel like myself again.
I believe I am a Feeling type because I find it hard to separate my personal feelings when making judgements. This quote from the Type Fundamentals Guide, “When Feelers are forced to rely on Thinking judgements for too long, they start to worry that harm could be caused by ignoring feelings and values…” definitely applies to me. I can consider impersonal factors in my judgement, I just find it hard to remove myself from the personal when doing so.
My main struggle is determining whether I am Ne or Ni. I used to type myself as an INFJ (online quizzes). But once I did the study guide, I had to rule out dominant Ni because even though I’m very contemplative and prefer deep conversations to mundane ones, I’m not someone who thinks about purpose or calling, and I don’t really require structure in my life. At my best, I’m very flexible and adaptable, and tend to take my life day-by-day rather than being purely future-oriented. I only really resonated with the unhealthy aspects of Ni. I think I could potentially have Ni as the tertiary function (prone to looping, making me see myself as Ni-dom?). Either way, I don’t think I’m a very healthy example of my type.
I followed the function theory guide as closely as I could. I’ll start with the arguments for dominant Fi and inferior Te, then go into Ne-Si vs. Se-Ni. This turned out to be 5k words, I apologize for the length 😭
Dominant Fi
My feelings strongly inform everything, and honestly, I can’t understand how feelings can’t inform things. I find it very hard to hide how I feel about something, you can easily see it in my face, especially when I’m unhappy or angry. My mom is always criticizing me for this, scolding me for “ruining the mood” and urging me to “pull myself together”. It’s not that I want to be a mood-killer, it’s just very difficult for me to hide how I feel. However, one thing I am good at controlling is crying. When I was younger, I was a huge crier. I’d cry at home, at school, in public. Because of this, I’d get scolded by my parents for making a scene, or I’d get called a crybaby at school. I thought letting anyone see me cry or be sad was a bad thing. In my pre-teen and teenage years, I made it a point to never cry in front of my friends. I even verbally expressed this to them, and I took pride in never having cried in front of them. I still struggle with this, and I try my best to only cry when I’m alone.
To clarify, I don’t really have any issues with negative emotions. I feel as though I often revel in my negative emotions, actually. I just have an unhealthy perspective on the act of crying (something very vulnerable that makes you unlikeable to other people).
My preferences are very personal to me. I don’t really understand how you can figure out what you like and dislike without feelings. I really enjoy writing because I’m able to express my feelings through it, for example. I’d also say that my decisions are informed by my feelings, especially when I was younger. At my lowest, I feel like my emotions rule me, and I always have to follow what my feelings tell me. I’m really sad, and I don’t feel like going to school, so I’ll stay home. My mom really upset me, or said something that went against my beliefs/values, so I’m going to fight back against her and cause a scene. As I’ve grown older, especially with my mom, I’ve had to learn to compose myself and choose my battles.
I find it very important to honor my feelings in the things I do. Something I don’t like compromising is my integrity. I once had a friend in high school whose boyfriend I really hated, and whenever she asked me for my opinion, I’d give it to her, even if it upset her. I couldn’t find it in me to lie just to please her. I have this same mentality at work. Students sometimes abuse our services, and I don’t understand how some of my coworkers just bend over backwards for them at the cost of themselves. Like, recently we had a student that was booking way too many hours, and as a more senior tutor, I advised them to either report them to a supervisor or be up front with them themselves.
The only person I’ve ever felt the need to placate is my mom. My mom is very controlling, and when I was younger I was very limited in the things I was allowed to like, places I was allowed to be at, etc. And whenever I compromised my feelings just to appease her, I always felt awful inside, like I’d betrayed myself. Into my teenage years, I started to become more rebellious, doing things without her permission. I found ways to be sneaky in order to avoid the consequences of disobeying her. This is around the time I became very active on the internet, having secret accounts on Tumblr and Twitter when I was (admittedly) far too young. It wasn’t always healthy, and it sometimes got me into sticky situations, but I felt so good and so free that I didn’t really think about that at the time.
I get very offended in situations that don’t honor each person’s individual experience, especially my own. I always hate it when people say they understand how I feel, because I believe no one can ever understand how someone feels. Feelings are too subjective, and are personal to each individual. This is why when I talk about my feelings with my mom, I always find myself feeling upset and unheard, because she always tells me that I’m “not the only one”, gives me her opinion on what I’m feeling, and tries to tell me what to do to fix it. Thankfully, I have a therapist now, and I’ve felt much better talking about my feelings.
I tend to judge impersonal environments as soulless. Like, I can’t see myself working with things like numbers and science because of how impersonal they are. I prefer things like creative writing, where I can be personal. However, I don’t ever feel the need to disrupt the status-quo. To each their own. I can respect other people’s preferences, even if I don’t understand.
I think I’m very in touch with how I feel, even when I think I’m not. I find that when I’m in therapy, I’m constantly apologizing because I believe my explanation was unclear and all over the place, only to hear that I actually made perfect sense. I think growing up in an environment when I was afraid to articulate my true feelings (re: placating my mom) made me believe that I wasn’t good at it. I really enjoy expressing myself creatively! My main outlets are writing and music. My poetry is literally impossible to pull apart from my personal feelings/life. I write about my struggled with depression, my relationship with my mom, and my desire for romantic love. I sing as a comfort, often singing songs that reflect my emotions/how I’m feeling. I’m also learning guitar to accompany my singing.
For a long time, I struggled to understand my dad (ISTP? definitely ISTx). I thought he “lacked feeling”, because he never outwardly expressed his feelings, and relied on pure, impersonal logic to make his decisions.
At my lowest, I definitely feel alienated. Most of the time, I find myself in a very ‘alien’ mindset. Like I’m some fluke in the system that doesn’t belong with everyone else. This is something that can be very dangerous very fast, as it can spiral into a “I’m a mistake, therefore, I shouldn’t exist”. I’ve attempted suicide twice as a result of this.
I also get very frustrated when I’m misunderstood, and again, I often clarify myself in order to convey my thoughts as accurately as possible. A lot of this is due to my relationship with my mom. My mom can get into a very “black-and-white” way of thinking, and one comment from me can change her entire perspective of me. Sometimes I was the best, and other times, I was the worst. She was very unpredictable, so growing up I was always conscious about saying the right thing, and the things I could and couldn’t say to her, as a means of avoiding verbal abuse. One note, this behavior of myself is another reason I used to think I was an IxFJ (Fe aux). However, through reading the study guide, I realized that I only do this with my mom. I’m not this attentive or hypervigilant, or concerned with appeasing/social harmony, when it comes to other people (my dad, my sister, my online friends and former friends).
I definitely need a lot of alone time to “nurse” my feelings until I’m more stabilized. When I’m very emotional, I tend to self-isolate, coop myself in my room to wallow in my emotions. However, this wallowing wasn’t very healthy at first. It ranged from unhealthy thought patterns (namely catastrophizing, ruminating) to being physically violent with myself, hitting my legs until I bruised or throwing things around my room. I always made sure I was alone with the latter, because the thought of hurting someone as a result of my outbursts terrified me. Therapy has allowed me to channel my emotions via healthier outlets, like the aforementioned guitar learning. I also use Chinese medicine balls and stress balls.
Like I said before, something I value is integrity, so I dislike people who come off as inauthentic to me. I dislike people who follow trends just for trends sake, for example. If you genuinely like it, that’s one thing. But to buy something just because everyone else is buying it, only to then throw it out later for the next best thing? That’s another thing, and I hate it. Just be yourself! I also dislike when people are too intrusive, re: my relationship with my mom. She’s constantly checking up on me and it can get very annoying.
I’ve been called oversensitive in the past. Again, I used to be made fun of for being a crybaby. When I was bullied by my friend group in middle school, I was called over sensitive just for standing up to them and switching friend groups. I also hate being called difficult or hard to reason with. I know can be very opinionated, passionate, argumentative, but I think people who say I’m difficult just don’t take the time to get to know me and understand my perspective.
Inferior Te
The most problematic long-running problems and self-imposed obstacles I can think of (when thinking back to times where I was likely in inferior grip) is accumulating late work, latenesses, and absences from my classes. I’m usually very responsible when it comes to that, and during those times I let those things pile up and impose as obstacles to my academic career because I just didn’t feel like doing them. I was too sad. As for the last one, I wouldn’t say I was “defiantly” messy. I was certainly messy. I skipped school, did things without permission, kept a messy bedroom, etc. etc. I don’t know if I’d use the word defiant, however. I just simply “was”.
I definitely revel in my feelings. I find myself forming an identity around them, being a ‘sad girl’ that no one understands. I had an old Tumblr blog where I’d romanticize my distress, post aesthetic moodboards surrounding depression and suicide, etc. I’d also indulge in some of my desires recklessly, such as talking to older people I shouldn’t be talking to, just because I wanted a space where I felt heard and seen.
I don’t really do things by-the-book if I feel that my way is better. I think this is confusing me because it’s a more abstract idiom that I associate with rule-following in an establishment, and I don’t think this is an "extreme" behavior.
‘I feel as though who I am is a liability’. Re: the section about feeling alienated. I often felt like a burden to my parents because of them having to deal with my mental illness. My mother even once told me if I realized how difficult it was to worry about me and deal with me. This never really motivated me to change, instead I wallowed in negativity, believing I was ‘too weak to get my life together’ and repair my mental health. I’d be unable to see ‘any of my positive qualities’, anything I had that was worth loving and appreciating.
I would get very blunt and aggressive with people, my reactions to minor qualms being overblown. I was always very angry, looking to pick fights about things I found disagreeable. Something my mom and I argued a lot about was my tendency to skip school, which I defended myself with the lie that I knew what I was doing, that the absence or lateness wouldn’t matter. I’d also become uncharacteristically cold, saying very frightening things with little to no emotion. It’s almost like I went from feeling everything to feeling nothing. I definitely agree with the urge to ‘correct’ things, mainly in the way I viewed myself. I saw myself as something that needing fixing/correcting, and often approached therapy in that way. I’d tell them something I dislike about myself, my emotional regulation for example, and I’d ask “how do I fix it?”
I definitely agree with the misguided attempts to “fix my life”. At one point, when I was starting college, I really wanted to get a job. For two reasons (1) my mom didn’t want me to get a job and (2) I thought getting a job and earning my own money would help me fix my life. However, I’d often give up during my job search, not even due to lack of opportunity, but because I was trapped in this mindset that I was somehow going to mess it up, I couldn’t see a future where I wasn’t a total failure. I passed it off as being “realistic”, like I’d say “Let’s be real, I’m probably going to succumb to my depression and mess up at whatever job I get”.
INFP
Auxiliary Ne:
In terms of avoiding Ne, I definitely resonate with missing out on new possibilities for my life and choosing to resign into myself instead. When I’m avoiding something, I become withdrawn, staying in bed all day scrolling on my phone or pursuing interests that don’t require me to venture outside like reading, writing, singing. However, even with this, I can get incredibly frustrated when I can’t generate any good ideas for new creative projects. I feel stuck in a rut, like all of my poetry is terrible because my ideas lack any real substance.
I also resonate with the fear of hoping for something better. Like I said previously, I can be very pessimistic, too quick to shut down optimism in an attempt to be realistic. I’d give up before I even began, because I couldn’t see any possibility of succeeding.
However, I don’t believe I’m blind to new possibilities. I’m able to think of a lot of different things I can do, possibilities for my life, and I have the urge to do them. I just feel like I can’t because my mind is too busy wallowing in my own misery. This is something I’m working on in therapy, she thinks “doing things” will make me happier.
Using fantasy to escape practical concerns is the main reason I’m considering Ne. I’m a maladaptive daydreamer. I listen to music and pace around my room while I do this to satisfy a psychomotor urge to move around (this might be the “mixed features” part of my diagnosis?). These daydreams usually center romantic love, and my ideal future. But it can also be me imagining scenarios between characters in a piece of media I like, especially what I wanted to happen between them when I wasn’t satisfied with the canon LOL. This can be very debilitating, as I lose track of time, and when I was very depressed, I often procrastinated on my assignments because I wanted to do this instead.
The other aspect of overindulging in Ne I found evidence for was wasting time on unproductive ideas and interests. Oftentimes, when I’m supposed to be getting ready to leave for class or doing boring assignments, I find myself turning to something I find more interesting. Sometimes, it’s productive, like working on creative projects for school. But other times they are unproductive, such as looking up interesting topics, writing fanfiction, or maladaptive daydreaming. Like mentioned previously, these distractions have proven to be very disruptive to my everyday life. It’s like I’m too hyped up and want to do other, more interesting things.
In terms of healthy Ne expression, I feel that I’ve learned to be more optimistic when it comes to my future and my ability to succeed. Like, instead of just thinking I’ll fail at something, I think, “yeah, maybe I’ll fail, but maybe I won’t!” I have a more rounded and nuanced perspective on myself. And I’m definitely at my best when I know how to bring my good ideas into fruition. When I get an idea for a poem, for example, I’m able to string together the best words in their best order and produce something really substantial and meaningful.
Something that makes me doubt Ne, however, is that I don’t really connect my improvements to “making the world better” and “encouraging positive change”. It’s not that I don’t care about the world, nor that I don’t want things to change (I’ve always been pretty good at handling unexpected change). But when I think of myself at my best, I’m more so working to improve myself for my own sake, to live a happy and fulfilling life. I guess the closest thing I can think of when it comes to positive change is helping my students at work, but that’s also not something very grand or “mission” like. I don’t really aspire to be an agent for change.
Tertiary Si:
In the Ne section, I discussed my pessimistic attitude (“I’ll fail” “none of this will matter”), pursuit of harmful interests (maladaptive daydreaming), and being unable to see beyond my misery and low confidence in myself. Something I didn’t discuss is my unwillingness to listen to good ideas and advice, mainly because I don’t like being told what to do. I remember I really hated when my therapists or my parents would tell me I needed to make friends or go out and do things, because I didn’t think it would change anything. Even if, deep down, I knew they were right (and sometimes I’d even tell them that I knew), I’d choose to wallow in my own misery, or pursue harmful/unproductive interests, instead because I didn’t see anything else/know anything better.
Something I struggle with is letting things go. Particularly, I tend to ruminate on bad things that have happened as a sort of justification for why I’m allowed to be sad, if that makes sense? I still hold my mom’s past verbal abuse of me over her head, and I often blame her (and our family history of bipolar disorder) for making me turn out the way I did. Years ago, in high school, I was publicly SA’d by a classmate, and everyone laughed because my perpetrator was autistic and they thought that was funny. I also ruminate on that event. I think to myself, I’m allowed to be sad, look at everything I’ve been through.
I’ve also taken great lengths to protect my physical comfort in the past. As a child, I was extremely afraid of feeling physical pain, and to this day, I really hate being touched by anyone that isn’t my family. I’d literally, physically stop people from touching me. I’m only comfortable with my parents touching me.
What doesn’t resonate with me is being uncompromising and citing past experiences to dismiss opportunities. I’ve always been a pretty open-minded person, and even when I was unhealthy, I was always open to debate about values and beliefs, and willing to change my mind. I actually love hearing other perspectives, other people’s unique experiences. What I was mostly uncompromising or sensitive towards was being told what to do (in terms of my life) or being made to feel difficult or stupid. That’s when I’d become really stubborn. I’d use my past experience to justify staying miserable, but I’m not the kind of person to think that just because something happened once, it will happen again. Obviously, if it’s a recurring pattern there’s no denying it. The only time I’ve ever really done this was when I didn’t go to my prom, because my perpetrator had asked me as his date and was going to be there and I was afraid my assault would happen again. But for example, I’ve been rejected so many times by jobs, literary magazines, programs, and that’s never stopped me from applying/submitting my work. If I didn’t want to do something, or tried to talk myself out of doing it, it’s because I didn’t see the value in the opportunity, didn’t think it would do anything to better/change my situation.
ISFP
Auxiliary Se:
In terms of avoiding Se, I relate to dismissing outside influence, and believing that I know what’s best for myself (even when, in hindsight, it’s not always the case). Like I said in the Ne section, I can be very withdrawn, but Se includes an added “passive” and “indifferent”. My response to invitations to go out and do things is ‘no’. For example, my mom wanted to take a trip, and I said I didn’t want to come because I wanted to stay at home instead. She said I’d regret it, and I replied that I wouldn’t, because I didn’t really care. The trip never ended up happening, but looking back I realize I was avoiding going out and doing things. I was just coming out of a depressive episode, and my first instinct was to remain in that bubble of misery, because again, I was in a mindset that it was all I’d ever be.
I’ve definitely put my personal desires first, resulting in self-harm. Like I mentioned previously, I was in a lot of online spaces when I was very young (starting at 13). I had a Tumblr and a Twitter, and I felt so free to do whatever I wanted without my mom telling me I couldn't do it. I got a little carried away with who I interacted with, resulting in inappropriate conversations with adults. I don’t know if I was ever groomed, per say, but I was definitely predated on by adults and I allowed it despite knowing better. I felt like those adults accepted me for who I was, didn’t try to tell me what to do, which felt like all I ever wanted at the time, so nothing else really mattered to me. I’d do this instead of going outside and hanging out with actual friends my age because I thought the internet was the only place where I could be authentically myself.
The only thing that doesn’t fully resonate is narrow interests. I do tend to refuse interests or experiences, even if I’m bored, in favor of my current interests, and I’ll use the fact that I won’t like it/won’t enjoy it as an excuse. They may be narrow in the fact that all my interests are ‘indoors’ interests, and I tend to refuse outdoors interests, but definitely not narrow in subject matter.
I’ve made plenty of bad decisions due to putting ‘myself’ first, but rarely to a destructive degree. I don’t think I’m selfish, but I sometimes found myself not caring about the personal consequences to my actions. I’d skip school to do other things, put myself in unsafe situations online, and I wasn’t concerned about the consequences of doing so because it made me feel less sad, maybe even good, at the time. I hated when my freedom or immediate gratification was thwarted by mom. Like I mentioned in the beginning, my tendency to skip class and later on, when she discovered my secret accounts, was a huge point that we’d argue constantly about. I’d tell my mom that she couldn’t tell me what to do, and that I wasn’t going to listen. I’d make threats (such as physical self harm) to get my way, or at least get her to leave me alone.
When I read sensory stimulation, I thought of my habit of self-harming. I was addicted to the painful feeling of bruising myself or digging my nails into my skin, it made me feel alive.
Though, I don’t think any of this was ever to a degree of ‘destruction’.
Nowadays, I’m more open to doing new things. During my most recent depressive episode, my dad advised me to find little things everyday, and I’ve found that it’s made me happier. I look forward to simple things like making my coffee every morning, pursuing a new interest in guitar and CD & perfume collecting (both of which require me to go outside, to take classes and physically go out and look for things, respectively).
I think I’m an easy going person. Funny enough, my mom doesn’t think I am, and I used to believe I wasn’t, but I think it’s because I’m just anxious in my house because of past verbal abuse. Now, I’ve started to go outside on whims, like I’ll tell myself “Why don’t we go out to the grocery store today?”, or, “Why don’t we go to the bookstore and buy a book?” or “Let’s go to a café to work on our poetry instead of doing it in our room”. It’s not always like this for me, but I’m starting to be more open and easygoing towards present, in the moment, experiences.
I think I’ve been honest about my personal flaws, such as self-harm, self-pity, anger issues, making threats. I’ve always been a pretty self aware person, I think my main problem is that I never wanted to do anything about my issues, or I felt that I couldn’t do anything about them. The only times where I wasn’t very self aware was when I was in a hypomanic state.
Tertiary Ni
Above, I discussed my sullen and withdrawn attitude, my lack of commitment/willingness to do things, and my reckless behavior due to following my feelings.
The strongest of the Ni loop tendencies, I think, is my fatalistic, self-defeating outlook. I touched on this in the previous sections. I could only see negative/meaningless outcomes, and I never cited past experiences to justify it (barring traumatic situations). It was like I just “knew”, and I’d use it as an excuse not to pursue it so that I could do what I wanted instead. When we’re choosing a movie to watch, and my movie doesn’t get picked, I’ll try to say “I won’t like it” “It’s not going to be good”, even though I know I don’t know if that’s actually true. I just want to watch my movie.
I think I’ve described my sensitivity to being told what to do, feeling stifled or controlled, a lot in the previous sections, so repeating that feels redundant. I think the same goes for not moving to change situations due to my desire to stay in the same miserable bubble.
Reading, “drifting through life with no regard for rules and conventions”, I think of, again, my tendency to skip school. I really didn’t care about the consequences, only my feelings.
When I’m unhealthy, I tend to get uncharacteristically “delusional” when it comes to interests or “seeing signs” of something. For example, if I keep seeing a specific person on campus, I might text my online friends and say something like, “omg I think we’re meant to be”. I don’t actually believe that, I think the idea of having a soulmate is nice to think about, but I don't believe in them. I’ve tried to believe in astrology as a means of finding ways to fix my life (re: inferior Te). When I was really unhealthy or depressed, I genuinely believed in horoscopes and other such things, when before I dismissed it as something not real. Then came a point where I told myself that it’s “not actually real”.
I used to dress alternatively, and used it as a way of self expression (I was a lot like the goth kids on South Park LOL), but I feel like my pursuit of secret interests and social media accounts without permission was more immaturely ‘independent’.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and again, I apologize for the length! I tried to provide as much detail as possible, but do let me know if it’s not enough. I really appreciate your input <3
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When doing type assessment, I make every effort to focus mainly on the facts presented. However, there are times when the facts, taken purely at face value, don't add up properly. At that point, I have to start asking some difficult questions as to why.
I'm not sure you're in a period of life of being able to understand everything I'm about to say, but I will try to explain anyway since you've put in some effort to figure it out. Take or leave the following, it's up to you.
I can see you've tried your best to provide detailed examples in response to the questions in the guide, as instructed. The problem with your submission isn't lack of detail but, rather, lack of depth. There is a striking lack of substance despite the number of words written. How can that be? Based on my assessment experience, this usually happens due to low self-awareness.
At 21, it's guaranteed there is A LOT you don't know about yourself. And you're not doing yourself any favors by believing you're more self-aware than you actually are. Being able to describe how you feel or what's wrong with yourself isn't enough to call yourself self-aware. Self-aware people don't struggle so much with mental health.
Self-awareness is a very tricky concept because human beings are gifted at self-deception. Self-deception can manifest in many different ways. One thing I've observed over and over is how difficult it can be for people to tell the difference between what they believe they are (self-image) vs what they actually are (authentic self).
When there is too much distance between self-image and authentic self, the person is basically an unreliable narrator. You cannot trust that they are in possession of the whole truth, which really complicates type assessment. When they describe themselves, they may speak with full conviction and even try to be consistent. But upon closer inspection, they're only telling half-truths, omitting important information, denying inconvenient details, or getting lost in contradictions, without realizing it.
This may seem abstract, so I usually describe the problem in two ways:
(1) You've tried your best to paint a portrait of what you believe an INFP/ISFP looks like. Unfortunately, it doesn't quite match up with the self-portraits that INFP/ISFPs paint. I know this from having read hundreds of submissions from them.
Functions are multifaceted, which means they can manifest in many different ways. When a person only emphasizes certain facets of the function and doesn't realize they're missing other important facets, it's a tell-tale sign that the truth has gotten obscured.
Basically, a person who actually uses a function can naturally (i.e. without much prompting) provide a well-rounded view of the function's internal operations, whereas a person who doesn't use it can only provide a distorted view of what they think the function does. It's like the difference between describing a room while standing inside it versus peering in from the outside through a frosted window.
For example, there are lots of little details scattered throughout your profile that, taken together, strongly suggest you are N. But when you describe Ne, you fail to grasp most of its core facets, which is highly suspect for an auxiliary function. Based on this point alone, neither the INFP nor ISFP functional stack fits properly.
When these kinds of little incongruencies accumulate (and there are many in your case), at a certain point, it becomes obvious that things are not going in the right direction. It's like when AI generates a photorealistic image. As you zoom in to observe the finer details, you start to see many points of weirdness and then you have to question what you're actually seeing.
I'm not saying these two types are impossible. I'm saying that, so far, I'm not convinced. And I wouldn't be so quick to rule out IxFJ. I can confirm that I and F are most likely correct but this was already obvious at the start. Unfortunately, what you've written hasn't clarified the rest, which brings me to the second point.
(2) In the Function Theory Guide, I give a warning at the start to separate "dispositional" from "idiosyncratic" from "environmental" factors. This is an important point because it helps people with low self-awareness dig deeper and get at the truth of themselves.
Overall, the info you've provided is mostly categorized as idiosyncratic or environmental. Until there is more info about disposition directly, assessment results will remain inconclusive.
Put another way, you believe you're telling me about who you are but what you're actually doing is describing a bunch of habits you've learned. "Learned" patterns are different from the "natural" patterns of personality. I'll try to put the difference in simple terms.
Natural expressions of personality generally lead to self-actualization, fairly effortlessly. Attachment issues (e.g. overbearing parents) and mental disorder of the sort you've mentioned are common obstacles to natural personality growth, so it is important to take these things into consideration, which is why I ask people to mention them.
When I do type analysis, mapping out the type development path is an important method of type confirmation. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to have been enough type development in your case. This gap needs to be filled. It may take a few years of getting to know yourself and working on yourself to fill it properly. I acknowledge that you've mentioned several ways in which things have improved for you, but it still isn't enough for completing my analysis.
Learned cognitive-behavioral patterns of the kind you describe are different from natural personality patterns because they are not about actualizing the self but mainly about serving the ego. When too much of a person's mental energy is given over to ego - whether it takes the form of comforting, stabilizing, affirming, boosting, controlling, protecting, or defending the ego - it means there has been a problem with ego development that needs to be examined before accurate assessment is possible.
Ego development problems make type assessment difficult because there hasn't been enough psychological growth to clearly signal which function order should be the ideal path forward. Ego development problems also create a lot of "noise". They make a person too reliant on a false self-image that masks or obscures the authentic self. I can't count the number of people who have sworn up and down to me that "this is who I am" only to come back later (once their ego development had progressed somewhat) and tell me they got it all wrong.
It is an important step in self-awareness to look back at your past honestly and understand how it led to the present. The problem in your case is that it remains very unclear who you really are without all the baggage from the past. This isn't unusual, as many people spend their 20s and even 30s trying to figure out who they really are. You're only at the beginning of the journey.
The question is: Are you willing to work on yourself, specifically, to establish the psychological objectivity and independence that is necessary to see through the veil of self-image and eventually access the authentic self?
In case it needs to be said, adolescent rebellion against authority does not equal adult independence. And stubbornly holding to tertiary loop does not equal authentic integrity. True independence and integrity do not come easily. They both require long-term commitment to self-work.
I don't just type people for fun here. People come to my blog for guidance in personal growth. Yet you don't seem very motivated in that direction, which leads me to wonder why even bother typing yourself?
You've admitted that you have a habit of blaming feelings or the past and using these things as excuses to keep yourself in a "bubble". The tendency to blame (rather than take full personal responsibility) is a self-imposed obstacle that keeps self-awareness low, independence out of reach, and growth indefinitely stalled.
In other words, because you've kept your existence too constricted for a long time, the authentic self hasn't had enough opportunity to appear, let alone flourish. You'll have to make a concerted effort to completely stop using blame as a crutch and also expand your horizons considerably, otherwise, you may not reach the level of self-awareness necessary for being certain about your type. Whatever type I or anyone else assigns to you won't quite resonate as long as the truth of who you are remains too hidden behind ego shenanigans.
Anon wrote: 🌻 Hi! I am the ENFP (27) from this post: 772955569067868160. Your response definitely helped me move forward with more grace, so starting this off with a huge thank you! I have since found love and I’m in my longest relationship ever, 1 year 4 months together. I have no doubt that my partner (ENTP, 29) loves me and sees a future together. Trust, respect, kindness, affection, and shared values are all present.
He likes to be challenged and grow like me, and always takes me seriously and makes effort/progress when I bring things up. Everything that follows I have discussed with him, but I’m seeking feedback because he wants to move in together (!). This is huge because 1.5 years ago I moved to another country with my best friends, we’ve been long-term roommates and have an amazing dynamic. I could happily live with them forever!
I love living with my partner, too, and pretty much spend half my time at his place now. We lived together for 3 months in a city where he travelled for his phd recently and it was a very positive experience. There’s no rush or pressure but he has invited me to live with him and financially this would mean I wouldn’t have to pay rent. I only see one recurring issue, emotional intimacy, that I could use an outside perspective on.
When I need emotional support, he creates a safe space and I always feel better after talking to him. Our communication has always been respectful and productive. Because of all of this, I always assumed that he had a secure attachment style, and I know it’s a spectrum, but I am realizing he leans more avoidant than I originally noticed. (For me, I used to be more fearful avoidant but put in the work to become earned secure).
A few days ago when I brought this up and explained why, he was interested and agreed with what I said. He also explained that he slightly changes the way he acts around different people, like sillier around his more serious friend and more stable and reserved around me because I am more expressive and emotional. This is concerning to me because it sounds exhausting and I want him to feel he can be himself around me. I think this is also a barrier between us.
Often I feel I can’t access his emotional world. He’s open to but doesn’t initiate emotional conversations, and doesn’t really bring his needs to the table or ask for much from me, though he occasionally asks for my opinion on something on his mind. Although we connect intellectually, which is important to both of us, his bids for connection most days feel like small talk (“how was your day” and logistical stuff that stays shallow) or physical intimacy (he’s affectionate which I like).
Despite I know he cares deeply, and he’s so sweet, sometimes I feel like there’s a general lack of engagement in a way that’s hard to define. One example is sometimes I try to start a conversation or just talk when I want to tell him about something and he will just not respond at all. I don’t know what to do when this happens, when I mention it he will acknowledge he heard me but not engage further or explain why he is distracted. In these moments I feel like there’s a wall between us.
I want to further discuss this because I’m worried about it creating distance as time goes on, and it feels time-sensitive because of deciding whether to move in together. I think overall, I would love to, but don’t want to be shortsighted/ignore potential long-term issues. To help, I would love insight on a few things: How might our type differences be contributing to this? I know T vs F bias is probably in play and I don’t want to accidentally over-prioritize or impose my own preferences.
I want him to feel safe to grow emotionally, but I’m worried about pushing for him to be something he’s not. Really, I want to be able to acknowledge and appreciate our differences and use them to support each other! He's helped me a lot to be more practical and resilient and foresighted. I’m also curious: What do you think healthy emotional intimacy looks like? Also open to feedback of any kind. So so grateful for your input and for your work here in general!!!!
🌻ENFP (27) with ENTP (29) partner here! Once again proving that just being direct and talking to the person in question is always the best way to go (apologies if you’ve already put effort into responding to my question!). So, apparently he didn’t know it was so noticeable that he occasionally withdraws in social situations, and describes it as he “likes being with himself.”
For me emotionally I realized it was triggering a stress response more related to my childhood, but anyway we’re going to figure out how to communicate better around this. I also explained about how I feel like his emotional world is inaccessible to me, and turns out he is genuinely okay with working things out on his own and doesn’t mind at all that it’s “unbalanced” with me asking him for support more often.
I explained that still, it would help with intimacy if he also got more comfortable with co-regulation and he said that although it’s not something he grew up with, it sounds interesting and he would like to learn (and asked me to share resources!). Lastly, regarding feeling like we’re small talking a lot, we realized it’s because he works a very intellectually stimulating job, and I have the opposite, so after a workday when we come together, we need different things.
Overall, I realized that I haven’t been accepting how easy it is for him to love me, and there is no other shoe waiting to drop. He’s genuinely okay with everything and happy to make an effort if it helps me. This is totally new to me! Basically, I’m feeling hopeful, so skip my questions if you want. But if you read this far and have a word to share, I’m all ears :) Again, so much gratitude for all the time you put into this! It has been a great source of wisdom for me throughout the years.
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I'm glad to hear you were able to resolve the issue on your own. There are a couple of points I want to emphasize, just to help certain important lessons sink in for everyone reading.
(1) Communication is key. In a healthy romantic relationship, you should be able to bring up anything that's bothering you with your partner and discuss it maturely. Both parties need to be open to hearing and accepting constructive feedback. If you truly care for each other, there should be a lot of willingness on both sides to find common ground or negotiate a compromise that leads to improvement.
Since confrontation can be very uncomfortable and unpredictable, people too often choose avoidance. Perhaps they'll deny the issue, sit on it for too long, or try to minimize and dismiss it. This is how molehills eventually become mountains. A moment's frustration eventually morphs into resentment and then anger and then hate...
People sometimes ask me how to tell if an issue is important enough to risk confrontation. As a general rule, if an issue recurs, for example, it has come up more than 2-3 times, then you've got an unhealthy pattern forming. It's best to break the pattern early and try to get to the bottom of the situation before it gets too (emotionally) complicated.
Sometimes you can confront an issue but still fail to resolve it. At that point, you've got an additional problem to figure out. Generally speaking, failure may happen because one or both parties are lacking in certain relationship-related skills, such as communication skills, emotional awareness, or conflict resolution strategies. Self-work is called for in these cases.
There are rare times when two people simply cannot see eye-to-eye because of drastic differences in personal needs, desires, beliefs, values, aspirations, or life direction. When this happens, both parties need to reflect on the viability of the relationship and make a judgment about whether the differences are ultimately reconcilable. If not, it's best to part ways amicably, without blame.
(2) Be wary of projection. Projection is an unconscious defense mechanism whereby people displace their own ego issues onto others. I mean it when I use the word "unconscious". It takes a lot of self-work throughout life to build awareness of projection. One of the main problems with projection is that it leads you to make faulty assumptions.
T vs F differences tend to illustrate this point well. The way you worried about your partner's emotional life, suspecting that something may be wrong with him, was based on the assumption that he ought to have an emotional life that somewhat resembles yours (Fi) or what you believe should be the standard for everyone (Te). This assumption turned out to be unwarranted.
One way to improve awareness of projection is to examine your (unspoken) expectations of people. A simple example of this is how we take the needs, traits, and strengths of our own personality type and expect them to be present in everyone else.
Using your case, this is illustrated in the Fi vs Fe difference. E.g. You assumed it would be "exhausting" for him to alter his behavior to complement others, since that's how you view it through Fi. Basically, being Fi and projecting Fi ego issues onto others makes you blind to or unable to understand Fe.
What you hadn't understood is that Fe is perfectly designed to make social adaptation not only easier but rewarding. This is not to say Fe types cannot feel exhausted by socializing. The point being made is that healthy Fe types understand the benefits of social adaptation and want to obtain them. Without Fe in your stack, it's hard for you to understand this kind of motivation.
One big reason people learn about personality type is to try to understand these differences better.
(3) This brings me to the third point, which is that Empathy is vital. Empathy means being able to grasp someone else's experience. It's important to remember there are two main components to empathy.
The first is emotional empathy, in being able to feel what someone else feels. ENFPs with healthy Fi usually excel at this. Emotional empathy can be improved by first improving your own emotional intelligence and then by being more observant of people's words and behavior.
The second component is cognitive empathy, which is more difficult. It essentially involves building a theory of mind that accurately represents another person's subjective experience. This is often where projection gets in the way, as illustrated in the Fi vs Fe example.
I cannot emphasize enough that "mindreading" is a terrible relationship habit. Mindreading involves speculating about and/or presuming to know what's in someone's mind or heart without adequate evidence.
For example, your partner did not exhibit any signs of "suffering" a problem yet, due to projection or overactive imagination, you invented suffering on his behalf. Ns will even go so far as to invent future suffering. While it's not a bad thing to be a considerate person, it's not good to invent a false story of people's experience (especially when it's actually a story rooted in your own anxieties or attachment issues).
This circles back to the first point: When in doubt, ask. Communicate. If you're not sure what someone is thinking or feeling or why they behave a certain way, it's best to get the information directly from their mouth. That should remove all doubt quite quickly.
However, there are situations in which people are not very aware of what they are feeling or they are unable to articulate their thought process. At that point, you have to accept the fact that they are not yet ready to share for whatever reason. You can encourage them to share and give them time to figure it out, but pushing them is not going to work if they are simply unprepared.
There are also situations in which asking is a problem because the only reason you're asking is your own insecurity. In this case, it's best for you to go inward and reflect and ask yourself whether it is absolutely necessary for you to know (for the sake of the health of the relationship), or whether you just want to know because your ego is playing out some kind of drama.
Remember that people have a right to their own private thoughts and feelings. It is not always the case that expressing them is necessary for a relationship to thrive. The degree/kind of sharing should be negotiated based on the needs of the individuals involved. If one person needs more sharing than the other, or one person needs a specific kind of sharing that the other is unfamiliar with, try to meet on middle ground. It sounds like you two have come to this conclusion together, which is a good sign.
Anon wrote: Hi, I’m questioning whether I’m ENFP, INFP or INTP. I know these are too different types, but my biggest struggle regarding typology is to match the way I deal with logic and feelings. I’m under investigation for AuDHD, my psychologist is almost sure I have it. I did my best to understand the theory but, by reading your posts, I’m noticing my literal way of interpreting information is impairing my understanding of how it works in practice, so I think I need your help, if possible, please!
I’m 26yoF, I had developmental upbringings regarding childhood depression, bullying, poverty and parental psychological abuse – all at same time maybe till my 15 yo. These conditions led me to develop somewhat needy behavior, lack of confidence on my own reasoning, being risk-averse and some anxiety. Nowadays I’m far better at all of this, so I’m writing this based on my current cognitive functioning. I wrote for you in past but it was inconclusive.
ENFP:
Ne-dom: My mind is flooded with ideas. Everything in the world sparks ideas in me, whether images, concepts, or curiosities. I enjoy being in environments where this diversity of ideas and possibilities is valued—I chose the path of psychotherapy (I am a CBT psychologist). For a long time, I struggled to organize so many ideas, and because I have a very open view of the world, I felt that I had to carefully consider every possibility in order not to miss anything. This caused, and still causes, significant difficulties in decision-making. I used to rely on an unconscious mechanism of avoiding choices, which guaranteed that I would never lose any possibility, until maturity made me realize that this, by itself, prevented me from bringing my good ideas to life. I am like a swimmer: I dive in wanting to see everything beneath the ocean, but I can become so fascinated by everything I find that I lose my way or even drown.
Si-inf: I have a certain discomfort with the negative manifestations of Si. Routine, monotony, and details are things that cause me distress because they make me feel as if life may never change or that I am trapped. Less so nowadays, but in the past, I avoided professional fields that required these kinds of skills. Today, I have learned to tolerate these aspects of tasks in pursuit of greater rewards—the realization of ideas. Regarding perception, I have a particular way of perceiving events, paying attention to details and to how I feel about the experience. Often, this perception remains unconscious and resurfaces at opportune moments, such as nostalgia, regret, or self-pity. Additionally, the worst moments of my life were those in which, after repeatedly trying to find a way out and seeing every attempt fail, I felt increasingly incapable, trapped, and hopeless.
Fi-aux: Fi and Te are the functions I have the most difficulty understanding, and I am not sure I understand them correctly, so forgive me if I become a bit long-winded—I will do my best. One of the major goals of my psychotherapy work to overcome these developmental issues was learning that my voice and my feelings matter. I have always had a deep understanding of my feelings, but I struggled to give them importance—the world always seemed bigger than they were. Throughout therapy, I gradually learned how different things made me feel, and I discovered that my identity was rooted in those feelings. Nowadays, I see my feelings as a compass that signals what is important to me. I have difficulty tolerating injustice, and when I care about something or someone, social feedback does not stop me from doing what I feel is right. This is also how I relate to people. In the past, I would attach myself to anyone who showed me affection. Today, I choose people—friends and romantic partners—based on the strength of the mutual feelings involved. This is also how I choose my professional path: my bosses, my attitude toward the workplace, the rules I choose to follow, and even my own personal rules. I believe this may fit the ENFP stack because Fi was something I lacked for a very long time.
Te: Although I am highly intellectual (as I will explain in the Ti-Fe section), I understand that there is a need to verify the facts that support a causal relationship; otherwise, there is no evidence that it is actually valid. Under stress, or in situations that touch a sensitive nerve, I feel the need to control the causal dynamics of the environment. I can become stubborn, inflexible, and imposing, wanting to force people either to do what is right or to ensure that situations have the most correct outcome possible. During university group projects, I made enemies because, under tight deadlines, I adopted a very rigid and impersonal attitude, refusing to tolerate moments of relaxation or other people's mistakes, since they would delay the completion of the task (similar to an unhealthy Te-dom). At other times, I unconsciously blamed the system for my own failures, which I now recognize was a distortion.
Finally, there is something reasonably chaotic about the way I function. I struggle to systematize information in the external world: I can be excessively rigid or excessively careless. I can be overly demanding regarding the evidence required for a hypothesis, or excessively speculative. I associate all of these negative aspects with a possible loop, although I am not sure whether that interpretation is correct. Regarding healthy Te use, as I mentioned, my values are non-negotiable to me, so I tend to develop systems, contingencies, or personal methods that allow me to live according to them.
Finally, regarding relationship pairings, I greatly admire Te-doms because of their ability to take control of situations and deal with them efficiently. I also admire the way they communicate and assert themselves. However, they often have difficulty seeing me in the same positive light. ISTJs tend to dislike me during first impressions, often expressing that I am too chaotic or disorganized for them. ESTJs also see me as chaotic, and sometimes even look down on me because of the mental disorganization they perceive, but they often end up trying to "educate" me and offer the best of themselves, especially when they notice that I genuinely want to improve and learn. INTJs usually like me, although we occasionally clash, and I have never met an ENTJ.
INTP:
Ti: When I read about the “Ti-Fe conflict,” I identify much more with Fe > Ti. However, in my “normal” mode of functioning, I identify strongly with “pure” Ti and seem to have issues related to neglected Fe. My way of functioning is to reason about the world and develop my own frameworks for dealing with it. When choosing which rules or values to follow, or which decisions to make, I consider multiple cause-and-effect possibilities, looking for a framework that tells me what is most likely to happen, which often makes me slow to make decisions. This is the lens through which I am constantly reasoning about the world and the things that happen in it.
I have a tendency to look for the “core” of things, formulating theories or hypotheses that explain reality and how things work. When I was younger, I also had a tendency to “test” my intellect by trying to solve everything on my own, and I saw this as directly related to my ability to survive in the world. I needed to feel intelligent, independent, and capable of handling things through my own intelligence because that meant I would be able to protect myself from the bad things that happen in life. If I could successfully develop my own frameworks, I would not struggle unnecessarily.
I saw asking for help as a sign of weakness because I would not always have people available to help me throughout life. For example, when I played chess, I refused to read study books because I felt that needing them would mean I could not figure things out on my own and would become dependent on someone else's framework. I also used to try to understand complex concepts entirely by myself, only turning to theoretical books once I had exhausted all my own ideas.
Nowadays, I understand that I can learn today in order to avoid mistakes tomorrow, and that I can learn someone else's framework and adapt it while still developing my own. Even so, I still have a fairly unconscious tendency to look for answers on my own and avoid asking for help because I often feel that “I can handle it.” Sometimes I am wrong, and things go badly.
I also constantly think about and speculate on theories and hypotheses that are not necessarily useful. During my search for a master's thesis topic, this tendency led my supervisor (a Te-dom) to believe I was anxious and distressed about finding a topic, when in reality I was having fun with what I considered the best part: discussing theories and hypotheses and talking about them with someone who had extensive knowledge of the field... so that I could speculate even more.
Finally, several psychologists and other people (including an INFP friend) have told me that I over-rationalize situations and my own feelings. This was something I had never noticed until someone pointed it out, and even today, no matter how hard I try, I cannot fully see it in myself. To me, I am simply being solution-oriented, and I do not necessarily understand where my feelings should fit within a given situation.
Fe: Regarding the “low Fe” I mentioned, I used to be a major people-pleaser. I adapted myself and did whatever others wanted because I had a strong fear of rejection and loneliness. I did everything I could to fit into groups and be the most well-liked person in the room.
After a particularly stressful period, I realized how much energy this was costing me, which was when I entered the possible Si-temptation period that I will mention later.
Nowadays, I socialize largely out of obligation. I have very few friends (one best friend and two close friends, to be exact), whom I care deeply about. I go out with them in search of experiences and because I love them, but sometimes I do it simply to maintain the friendship because I do not have a strong need for in-person social interaction, despite being extremely talkative with them on WhatsApp (some of them complain that I talk too much).
When it comes to people, environments, social rules, or collective values, these things do not naturally appear on my radar unless I actively seek out that information. I am practically blind to social norms (possibly because of autism). I can give emotional speeches, and I can be very good at them if necessary, but I prefer not to and would rather let other people take that role because it consumes a great deal of energy.
As I mentioned, I have a strong need to feel self-sufficient and a hard time accepting help from others. Sometimes I believe I will be judged as incompetent if I do. There have been situations where I solved an entire problem on my own, only to see someone else ask for help, solve it much more easily, and receive recognition rather than criticism.
I also have a great deal of difficulty communicating my ideas in a way that others understand. It is very common for me to present an idea, have people reject it, and then watch someone else present essentially the same idea more clearly, after which it is accepted and considered brilliant.
Finally, I tend to judge overly emotional people negatively when they cannot set their emotions aside in order to solve problems. Ironically, there are moments when I behave the same way without realizing it. I went through a difficult period in college during which I could have sworn I was being as rational as possible, but once it was over, I realized just how emotionally driven all of my decisions had actually been.
Regarding external perception, my friends often point out that I fail to notice whether a topic is of collective interest and that I frequently commit social faux pas. I also do not easily pick up on people's reactions to what I say. I have no problem with criticism and am highly adaptable, which resembles what your blog describes as healthy Ti: if someone presents a counterargument, I am willing to revise and refine my views if I believe their point makes sense.
Ne-aux: This is the main reason why I suspect I might be an INFP or INTP—Ne auxiliary and Si tertiary. Despite everything I said about Ne-dom, I only began to recognize my creativity and make good use of it after the age of twenty. Before that, I was very disconnected from the world and therefore did not actively try to adapt to it.
I did not consider myself creative because I struggled whenever I had to adapt to unpredictable situations. My interests were also relatively narrow, despite being unusual (I have read that this may be related to tertiary Si). Looking back, I can see that I was creative, but my mind did not have even half the richness of ideas that it has today, and I did not necessarily use creativity to adapt to reality.
Around the age of sixteen, I joined my first MBTI community, and people typed me as an ISFJ. I do not identify with that type at all today, but I see it as evidence that I was operating heavily through Si at the time.
Si-tert: Continuing with Si, I believe I went through a period of “tertiary temptation.” After a series of stressful experiences, I entered a phase in which I withdrew into introspection. I became obsessed with discovering the meaning of life while simultaneously talking less to people and becoming afraid of the world.
Whenever good opportunities arose to gain new experiences—or even to free myself from or defend myself against the forms of abuse I mentioned earlier—I felt a strong fear of leaving my comfort zone and surrendering to uncertainty. I began ruminating on past situations as if they determined my future.
I also rejected invitations and potential solutions to the problems I was facing, either because I believed they would not work or because I used physical sensations as excuses (being tired, feeling unwell, etc.—I read in the book that this can be related to tertiary Si). Deep down, I felt a knot in my stomach and a sense of fear whenever these opportunities appeared.
In fact, I remember experiencing a physical discomfort that drained my motivation, but today I see it as a form of self-sabotage rather than depression. The same applied to traumas and past experiences. Realizing this made me feel awful.
Additionally, nowadays I often rely on methods that worked in the past, previous experiences, and similar information. Sometimes I have to be careful not to apply something that is “tried and true” while ignoring important differences in context.
INFP:
Fi-dom: Beyond everything I already said about Fi, I grew up in an environment where my thoughts, feelings, and choices were constantly invalidated, which made me very insecure. I was always a somewhat desperate and directionless person, with a certain degree of emotional instability, until I learned to recognize the value of the Fi-related qualities I described in the ENFP section.
I avoided expressing opinions and making decisions within my family because I feared they would be invalidated. As a result, I was often very naïve and felt extremely threatened whenever someone disagreed with me at home and I could not determine whether they were right or wrong.
I was also afraid that I would not be able to stand my ground under pressure, so I frequently gave in to what others wanted. In life, I tried to think very carefully about my choices and what I expressed in order to avoid unnecessary conflicts. If someone challenged me, I wanted to be prepared with counterarguments, and I always tried as much as possible to accommodate other people's feelings and remain diplomatic.
All of this changed after the age of fifteen, when I went through the Si-temptation-like period I mentioned earlier.
Te: I am not sure I fully understand Te grip, but whenever the consequences of my inability to effectively follow systems, structures, or protocols become apparent, I feel insecure.
I have experienced depressive periods during which I felt that “the world was not made for me.” I could not adapt to its rules and expectations, and therefore I felt fundamentally inadequate.
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- If you have written to me in the past, you should include all of that information or point me to it. Some people send me multiple stand-alone assessment profiles in hopes that I'll change my mind or sidestep bias, but that's not how it works.
My method of assessment requires huge amounts of information for building full context behind who you are. And any info that includes clues about changes/progression of self-image over time is actually the most valuable for my analysis.
I seriously don't care what type you are. I only look at the facts, so the more facts you provide, the better. You're doing yourself a disservice by not including our past correspondence and allowing me to observe your evolution.
- Given the difficulty with systematizing and organizing information (i.e. it doesn't come naturally), dominant Ti is unlikely. The description of inferior Fe also doesn't fit properly. Evidence of Te is stronger than Ti as well. Thus, INTP is ruled out.
- While there are a handful of signs that could be supportive of INFP, I don't think the functional stack gels together as a whole. Fi isn't dominant enough and Te grip is practically non-existent. This makes INFP less likely than ENFP.
- Overall, ENFP is the best fit of the three. The functional stack comes together well. The developmental issues are accounted for and manifest in ways that are very similar to other ENFPs.
But is this enough to rule out every other type? I'm not sure. Your description of Ne isn't full enough, which means I'm not 100% convinced. Maybe only 85% convinced.
Are adverse upbringing and difficult socialization enough to explain stalled Ne development? Possibly. It is indeed very difficult to develop N in an extraverted way when you meet constant invalidation from the social environment.
What sets N-dominants apart, whether it is Ne or Ni, is their strong predilection for abstraction, via mentation, ideation, and imagination. Notice how all of these things occur inside the mind.
As such, the four N-dominant types are the most removed from concrete reality (inferior S). It is only people who are not in touch with reality that need to come up with ways/theories to understand, explain, and get in touch with reality, is it not?
It's also possible that your understanding of Ne has been too distracted by the "e". Yes, ideally, Ne is an extraverted function and helps one adapt in the outside world. However, this shouldn't discount the many ways that Ne operates first within one's mind, before it gets expressed outwardly.
The missing piece of the puzzle here is a detailed description of how Ne manifested in childhood and adolescence. If you can't remember a time when Ne hasn't been active, regardless of whether you used it outwardly to "adapt", then chances are good it's the dominant function. However, if Ne seemed absent during that period, ENFP and NP in general is seriously thrown into doubt.
- Actually, a pattern of over-rationalizing and downplaying feelings is one of the more significant points to take into consideration, so it's somewhat telling that you didn't give this issue the time it deserves.
While anyone can rationalize/intellectualize, the specific way in which you do it AND struggle to be aware of doing it is strongly suggestive of tertiary T (i.e. T loop has hindered auxiliary F development).
Couple this point with good evidence of N and there are only 2 possibilities to consider: ENFP and INFJ. The evidence for Ne seems far stronger than Ni so far, but I can't say for certain without a proper comparison.
Anon wrote: Hello! I am 23 years old esfp. My english is not the best. Also sorry this text is repeating itself. My history is I was lonely in school for many years up to 19 years old. At 20 I started finding friends. But when I was 4-10 years old I actually had a lot lot of friends. When I feel lonely I am prone to worry I am not good enough for people, when I dont feel lonely i dont worry about that as much, maybe only sometimes if i fear getting lonely I will worry about being not enough and want to better myself. As I said, sometimes I worry I am not worth other people and friends. When I feel like that I want to better myself so that I am ”proud” of myself and am fun to myself and others. The problem with that is I can’t think like that. When I think like that I feel worse and self-aware in a bad way. The only thing that work is thinking that others are kind and fun for me and help me. But how can I become more giving to others when I can’t have the mindset of trying to become better socially?
I am sure of being esfp and I write two paragraphs of why to help you understand me: I am the best at, the most calm in and get most help through thinking in concrete ways and doing things concrete. I am bad at visualizing and thinking about future and next lifestep. When changes is about to come I will have a hard time visualizing that and therefore I just think about the present time and what I already know and takes it as it comes. Because of this it is not so fun and meaningful for me to prepare more than necessary. The only thing I ”overthink” is this topic i am wtiting about. When I am happy and confident i do not have abstract thoughts about this topic either, only when i feel disheartened. Thinking a lot can’t help me, not in this topic and not other topics. My main talking subjects is about concrete things. I also like doing things with others.
I am the most happy and carefree when a lot of things happen and when I am around many people for a long time. For example I can be a bit insecure and low when i have been at home for two days, when I come to work (i study now not work, this is example from the past) I can be a bit insequre and sad at the morning as a consequense of the two slower days, but as the day goes by and a lot of things happens (home care work, i met a lot of people) I feel better and by the end of the day after many people and eating lunch with a lot of collueges I am happier, more confident, inspired and recharged, then I really want to walk with collueges to the bus station and I never run out of ”social battery”, I am really the opposit of running out of social battery. I don’t need much alone time at all, i respect (of course), but don’t relate to, those people who need alone time to recharge.
I dont realize what I think until I feel scared and disheartened. I first realize my feelings and my disheartening, after I have realized that, I will try to investigate why and what it is that i worry about, i try to catch what is my thoughts behind my feelings. When I try to investigate what I worry about it is still unclear what i am thinking because if I catch it I will forget it later, i think this happens because it is abstract. My strong convincement is what i am now writing about and how i write now is not any natural or helpful thoughtprocess for me and I am not a mbti type who this is my natural thinking!!! It takes energy to write my thoughts! The complicated ”what if” and thinking in many perspectives, is only present when I worry and feel disheartened and trapped, and also almost only in this topic. The topic is: what if i am not being worth other people and what if i need to change myself in order to not be lonely.
I want to not be lonely. Therefore I sometimes want to better myself socially, (this happens when i am sad, when i am happy I am more kind and respectful to myself and believe in that way of relating to this topic). I think this is not good for me to try to better myself socially. One example of a thought is how others can contribute in ways i can not. And that makes me worry about if I am enough socially. I am not sure I can change myself socially. If I try to be better socially I will get worried and feel more trapped. One example. I was at classmate gathering at a restaurant. Some people I am friends with like to talk to others than me and it is totally fine I want them to do that of course. But I see in what ways others are better than me socially. Then I worry if I am worth that persons friendship. I think they dont need me but I need them and that is ok. But I think I can more easily loose them than other people can because they maybe are more giving. I look up to some people socially and I would like to be like them in some way and to practise. But if I try to practise I don’t feel at ease, I am not sure I can go that way of trying to get better socially… Maybe this is not something an esfp can focus on?
Another confusing thought when I worry about this topic:
I am happy to listen to others and people make me feel more alive, maybe maybe some more than others depending on things. My vague worry is i am not sure i can be anything to others without others. Just by myself I am not sure i can be giving to others without others being giving 🤦♀️ this makes no sense i am sorry. It is a fear I have but I cant understand it and cant explain it… I need others to be ”good socially” in order to interact. I need help by others. I dont know if I can give enough without help… I am more good at listening to others, i feel i am not able to give as much to others as they are doing… i feel i need to better myself.
Questions is, is this thinking bad for esfp and how can I think instead or how to find how to relate to this topic that will help when this worrying emerge. I know that if I am not feeling lonely or I feel loved my problem is solved, i dont think like this, but sometimes i fall back and this worry comes like a surprise, the bad feelings can be present for days and sometimes weeks more or less. It makes me less happy around people and a lot more trapped. I am in this period now and that is why I write to you. I can be totally free from this for pretty long times also! Either this thinking/feeling makes me feel lonely or i think/feel like this when i feel lonely, maybe it is both ways. One way how I get better and how this disappear is by being kind to myself and let others be kind to me and by doing a lot of things and being with people, in other words, not thinking but doing and accepting people are kind, also believing I am like I am and it is enough.
I can be pretty worry-free for months, not thinking like this, and then something makes me fall down (i think something makes me worry about being lonely or i feel lonely) and I feel trapped and am worrying like I just wrote, but as I said my thoughts is very unclear, it is more of a feeling, it takes energy to ”catch” my thoughts. Hopefully this make sense to my type… I wrote one time a long time ago (maybe two years ago) and you thought my thoughts did not make sense to my type… but my only way of functioning easily is like an esfp, the thinking i write is not my natural or helpful way. The majority of the time i do not think like this. I only think like this when i have bad periods and I would like to come out of them more easy or understand them more.
One more thought: maybe when I do not worry about being too bad for others, i actually am too bad for others but I dont know it when I dont worry about it. I want to better myself socially to avoid getting lonely but i can not because i think I as an esfp can’t think like that, or everything just becomes pancakes like we say in my language. How can an esfp handle this? Thank you a lot for reading!
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Generally speaking, when you have recurring thoughts/feelings, it is a good idea to pay attention to them because they signal a deeper psychological issue that needs attention. In your case, it is a recurring feeling of not being good/worthy enough to receive love and acceptance. This is the definition of low self-worth, and you are describing feelings of insecurity and loneliness that manifest from it.
Self-worth issues tend to be deep-seated and long-running, usually stemming from attachment issues in childhood. You've done a good job of describing what it is you're thinking/feeling during these recurrences (in the present), but you haven't mentioned enough about what the source of the low self-worth may be (from the past). There is an important chapter in your life story that needs to be told out loud, and analyzing it should help you understand the issue better.
In the absence of the origin story, I can only discuss some theory about function development. Many unresolved psychological issues (such as low self-worth) swirl around in the unconscious mind, so you're not really thinking about them most of the time, especially if you keep life very busy. But in life's quiet or low moments, you may find them being vocal, through the lower two functions.
Low Te+Ni draws your attention to "lack", to the ways in which you may not "measure up" in the world. Used appropriately, Te+Ni ought to provide you with good insight into avenues for self-improvement. Used inappropriately, however, Te+Ni can lead to problems with toxic shame.
Generally speaking, misusing your lower functions is much more likely to happen when you haven't spent enough time developing your dominant and auxiliary functions properly, especially when the auxiliary function remains underdeveloped in adulthood.
What have you done to develop your dominant and auxiliary functions? It sounds like you have a decent grasp of Se, of engaging fully with the world to keep up your energy, excitement, and enthusiasm for life. What about Fi, though? You have difficulty with reflection. It sounds like reflective moments feel foreign to you, perhaps even scare you. This is an indication that Fi is underdeveloped.
If you feel anxious or even panic when Fi tries to speak to you, Ni grip is being triggered, so it means you're not in the right frame of mind for function development. Lack of Fi development means you don't have enough conscious control over what it does (low self-awareness), so uneasy feelings have lots of opportunity to spiral out of your control into negative and even dark thought patterns.
If you are serious about resolving this issue, then you must get serious about Fi development. Without better Fi development, these recurring thoughts/feelings will continue. Basically, Fi is trying to relay an important message about your personal growth (and the lack thereof), but when you don't listen and respond properly, it must keep repeating the message over and over again until you do. Perhaps it was easy to ignore at first, but you'll find the complaints get louder and louder each time.
When psychological issues are left to fester, they can get worse and start to interfere with your life in concrete ways. For example, feeling lonely despite having good social supports means there's a psychological wall that prevents you from feeling connected. And did you know that insecurity is a common reason EF relationships become pancakes? I say this not to make you panic, but to express how important Fi is to ESFP development.
If you've read the study guides, you should understand that resisting auxiliary development is self-sabotaging. To remedy resistance, you must gradually turn your attitude around and learn to embrace the auxiliary function and appreciate what it does. Development can be a long process but the key is to keep trying to drop that resistance.
Understand that reflective periods, whether they last a few moments or two days or two months, should be seen as opportunities to gather more insight into oneself. For ESFP, self-insight happens through investigating your feelings (Fi) and what they mean for making life better (Ni). Of course, you can discuss your reflections with someone to make better sense of them. In a nutshell, reflective periods should not be viewed as a threat but as helpful to your psychological growth.
You said: "I don’t need much alone time at all, i respect (of course), but don’t relate to, those people who need alone time to recharge." Classic auxiliary resistance. Everyone has introverted functions, therefore, everyone needs alone time. Accepting this fact is the first step of introverted development. Of course, introverts need more alone time on average than extraverts, but this doesn't mean extraverts don't need any at all.
The problem is that, when Fi signals a need for reflection, you dismiss it or try to convince yourself otherwise, e.g.: This is not normal. That's not me. I'm not one of those people. I don't need that... These recurrences you're experiencing indicate that you, in fact, DO need reflection, and denying that need is part of the problem.
It is no coincidence that you suffer from low self-worth and Fi is precisely the function that addresses it. Fi is the path to knowing who you really are, embracing who you are, standing up for who you are, and expressing who you are. The self-acceptance that Fi instills is the remedy to low self-worth. Many people are mistaken in thinking that self-worth comes from outside approval/validation. No, it comes from within, from you learning to like and appreciate yourself.
In essence, Fi is urging you to confront the problem of low self-worth, and when you don't, you allow the darkness from Te+Ni to rise up and take over the conversation.
Yes, you're quite right that it's not good for ESFPs to try to live up to an abstract ideal of what is "better". It's not good because these ideas are imposed from the outside via Te loop and played up into nonsense via Ni grip. What you should be trying to live up to is your own values via Fi.
Healthy Fi+Ni reflection ought to help you figure out the best ways to express every meaningful part of your identity out into the world. It is unhealthy Te loop speaking when you think you have to meet the standards that other people are chasing.
Do you want to be you, or do you want to be someone else? Do you understand that wanting to be someone else is violence to yourself, born from envy and self-loathing?
If you want to be you, then commit and be the best you that you can be. Keep working on bringing out the best of yourself, in terms of building good character and living a life of integrity via Fi, and you'll naturally become a very likeable person. Keep trying to be something you're not, though, and people will look upon you with pity (for being too desperate for validation) or contempt (for being too inauthentic).
To feel "proud" of oneself isn't about Te "achievements" or external markers of higher "status". To feel genuine pride in oneself comes from a lifelong quest of nurturing your gifts, cultivating your virtues, and expressing them out into the world in a way that produces something tangibly positive. If you can commit to lifelong Fi development, I guarantee that you will always be attracting people to you rather than begging them for scraps of love.
One thing people who fear being disliked don't understand is that you can't please everyone. There is no realistic way to make everyone in the world like you. There will inevitably be people who dislike you because of their own hangups, biases, prejudices, and projections. There will inevitably be people who aren't interested in you because they're too self-involved or they're simply incompatible with you. What these people think about you is completely unrelated to the truth of who you are, which means they shouldn't take up any space in your mind, let alone determine your worth as a human being.
It is only when people dislike you for legitimate reasons that you need to pause and reflect, for the sake of becoming the good-est version of yourself. Fi tells you the truth about how good you are, which helps you stand firm when you are in the right. But you need to learn how to hear Fi properly without all that interference from unhealthy Te loop and Ni grip chatter.
Anon wrote: Hi, MBTI Notes. I am a 20-year-old woman. I've been following your blog for years and have learned so much from you. I’ve always struggled to discover my own type because I have a hard time reading myself and I always notice inconsistencies between my behavior and what my type "should" be. I’d really appreciate your perspective to help finalize my research. Thank you for your work.
Important context: I grew up with a very controlling, narcissistic, and emotionally unavailable mother who only valued me as a reflection of herself. She imposed a strict vision of who I was supposed to be, cutting off interests that didn’t fit her perfect image. This caused me to struggle deeply with my identity. From 12 years old I experienced constant suicidal ideation and made attempts because I didn’t know what to do with myself or my place in the world. I just wanted to disappear without a trace, without bothering anybody. Societal pressure as a Russian also played a huge role as I didn’t fit in among my peers so escaped online. Because I learn quickly and I did really well at school, I was pushed into a "perfect student" role I didn’t want, with threats of public humiliation and getting kicked out if I failed.
I’ve since distanced myself from my mother and currently I’ve built an environment where I can discover things on my own, away from society. I’ve found my place and my people. I currently identify as an INFJ but see strong contradictions and reasons for INTP. I feel like I am too socially uncaring and unavailable for INFJ but also too caring and polite for INTP. I’m sorry for the long read and I really thank you in advance.
For INFJ: Dominant Ni: I struggle a lot if I don’t have a purpose or a reason for doing something, and it has to be my reasoning, not someone else’s, maybe I am so obsessed with that because of my upbringing. As a teenager I idealized suicide because the world felt like it had no place for me and didn’t need me, so removing myself from it seemed as the only logical answer. Now, as I am independent from my past and what I “came” from, I just want a stable life path in life, a quiet paradise with my loved ones where nobody bothers us, I don’t hurt anybody, and I can live according to my own vision without being told what’s right by others. I want to belong to a niche and make that niche my whole life, sort of a dream.
I always picture how things will unfold in the future, where I’ll be in 10 years and I try to analyze and focus on things now to get there eventually. Currently I’m striving to build a stable income, live with my husband in our own house, and realize our creative project into a long-term career so we can support ourselves from our passion rather than routine jobs that don’t work for me. I actually have a hard time putting this vision into words because in my head it looks like more images and felt callings than a precise statement of every detail.
I’m very future-oriented. When choosing what to watch, buy, or do, I need to calculate whether it will have meaningful long-term payoff. I hate investing time in things that won’t teach me something, won’t become a shared bond, or affect my identity in an important way. I plan a lot and always have a mental list of what comes next. It’s not an exact schedule, more like a queue for things I will be doing after this one. I focus on the big picture and the outline of my plans first and paint in the details as I go. Things I engage with are usually interconnected in theme. I enjoy media, conversations, and projects that explore deeper meaning beyond superficial sensory content.
When I start something new, I instantly visualize what it will mean over the next months and whether it has the potential to affect me years down the line. If something isn’t likely to permanently shift my perspective or give me a revelation, I may reject it entirely, even casual entertainment because I like to conserve my resources. I sometimes frustrate both myself and others because I’ll act like I already know whether I’ll enjoy something before trying it, comparing it to things I’m already familiar with. In truth, I actually like getting new knowledge and learning random facts if I can afford such a luxury
I think my core beliefs have always stayed on the same side of the spectrum even as I’ve evolved as a person. I’ve never drastically flipped from one worldview to another. If I truly believe something, no amount of external pressure will make me abandon my principles. Since childhood, my beliefs were very different from an average Russian’s and I struggled a lot because I felt I knew the right way to be but had to pretend differently, pretend to agree with things I hate or think them to survive as in Russia thinking different is actually legally punishable. I always knew that once I’m independent, I would finally live as the person I wanted to be.
Auxiliary Fe: I adapt to people’s comfort zones and adjust my behavior to make the vibe convenient for both of us. I read people well (or at least I think I do XD). I easily imagine other people’s perspectives and emotional states, and I care a lot about being fair to them. In conflicts I often play devil’s advocate, I’ll explain how things might work from the other person’s point of view and seek to justify just to analyze the situation even when I’m actually against their actions personally.
I care deeply about whether my actions make me a burden. The idea of taking someone’s time, resources, or emotional energy without repayment makes me very uncomfortable. I think this complex has roots in my upbringing though, as Russian culture is very “transactional” and obsessed with "debt". Gifts and favors must be repaid, children owe their parents loyalty and forever servitude for being raised, marriages can get purely materialistic as people think of spouses just being in debt to each other, and it's not about love and connection but about the duties of each spouse to another and "what is in here for me that would make me stick to this person? If this person doesn't bring me what I want materialistically like sex, money, functions or etc, I am perfectly fine with leaving them". I never believed this myself even as a child and never treated people that way. I do things for others just out of basic kindness and common sense. I just think everyone should strive to be a good person. I dislike people who are selfish and only act for themselves. I’m fine with doing things for others without repayment, except perhaps appreciation and recognition, being listened to when it really matters because I have credit.
But because of that type of upbringing (my mother told me I owe her for anything she does for me and nothing was without a cost to it), I internalized the belief that I, specifically me, owe people for everything, for their love, gifts, any gesture of giving. I used to hate receiving gifts because I felt I had to return something equal and if I didn’t have that equal, I felt horrible. I felt deeply selfish otherwise, even though I did recognize the hypocrisy in treating myself differently from others. I was terrified that someone might actually treat me and my bond with them as a transaction my mother certainly did, and Russian society in general reinforced it. My husband would want to give me gifts and connect with me, do things for me just because he loves me, and I’d struggle to accept those things because I didn’t feel I deserved them if I wasn’t being useful. I’ve mostly grown out of this, but I still appreciate gifts and favors far more intensely than an average person I think. I really deeply treasure what each gift means to me and how they connect me to the person who gave them to me but in a less ¨give-take¨ way, and I don’t ever ask for anything unless I literally physically need it. I love to give gifts and do favors to others myself because… I guess, I just want them to feel like I care about them getting happy in an authentic way, not pretending to get something out of them later.
I also struggle to accept physical help because I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems, and I often feel that other people’s solutions are suboptimal or wrong anyway. I tend to overwork myself trying to handle everything alone. At the same time, I willingly take on duties I probably shouldn’t and immediately offer assistance when I see someone struggling, if I feel I know what I’m talking about.
I have a history of being a "therapist friend." Therapist because tell me about their problems and I’m there to help them solve them, not actually reinforce our connection. Over my life, people have felt very comfortable opening up to me even when I didn’t ask for such a connection from them and didn’t open myself in response. The most you could get out of me is a story of my I’d bring for pure comparison and draw an argument, a pattern from. I’m a good listener, and I know people just want to be heard without someone stealing the spotlight and I always try to give good perspective and advice, try to actively listen. Someone else might feel awkward when others share personal things with them, I treat it more like as “they’re being vulnerable to me and if I reject that, I might deeply hurt them and they won’t open up again.” So I will always tune in, unless I really don´t care about the person, then I will just try to retreat I guess.
The frustrating part isn’t the listening itself, it’s that people often share problems that have obvious, immediate solutions, at least they do to me. If I am asked for advice, I give solutions based on THEIR perspective, not just what I think is right, try to provide solutions I think would work for their exact situation. I’m afraid to admit that my focus is always on fixing the issue, not just comforting. When someone ignores my advice and ends up in the same situation again, I think “I told you this would happen, I gave you the solution and you failed to use it”. If it keeps repeating, I retreat from consoling the person again on the problem because I hate repeating myself, I hate feeling like I’m talking to a wall. Currently I have “perfected” my friend group and try to stay from connecting with others because I have plenty of social interaction coming just from very few people.
Everything I do and decide should be comfortable for the group I belong to, unless it’s something I think is right even despite the resistance or unless it’s something I think doesn’t affect other people. It’s in the sense that I’d rather compromise myself than feel selfish afterwards stepping over someone’s fun. I notice many people struggle to compromise their comfort for others, but for me, prioritizing myself is sometimes the harder thing. However, I will never compromise my core principles, not for anyone. I’ve doorslammed entire friend groups because they crossed my deepest beliefs. To me, it’s just simply deciding, “it seems we are incompatible, let’s not trouble each other further and go our separate ways,” and I leave forever. If someone asks for more chances, which has happened a lot, I shut it down without regret, because in my eyes I already know how the relationship will play out based on all past experience and the entire pattern. I am soft and caring, but only to a point.
Tertiary Ti: I have a very strong drive to deconstruct systems and arguments for logical precision. Unless I’m in an unsafe environment where I must perform to avoid conflict and survive, I speak up in group discussions to point out flaws of someone´s logical analysis, not to antagonize them, but because I think an honest perspective keeps people grounded. I simply can’t agree with or accept things that don’t make sense to me, aren´t consistent, whether it´s material or social. My MBTI obsession and constant looping about my type stems from this as well because if I spot an inconsistency between myself and my type description, I have to dive deeper, read everything again and logically argue with myself, find proofs to myself being right until it’s resolved. I overthink a lot, way more than I should sometimes, even a minor detail of inconsistency between point A to point B is a signal to me on a bigger scale.
I’m direct, and I can come across as cold to other people because I give them no slack when they aren’t making sense. I’m aware my honesty can hurt, but I hate lying to someone’s face just to make them feel good when they’re actually wrong in my eyes. To me a good friend would be honest with you, while a bad friend would enable your mistakes and unsuccess. I do pick my moments and I only speak up when I think my expertise can change something and when I have the right to speak (asked to), otherwise I won’t bother.
I’m stubborn at the moment but genuinely I do appreciate when someone tells me I’m wrong, as long as they make sense and provide me with arguments of my misjudgments. I don’t like being enabled when I’m actually being stupid.
I have deep knowledge in certain areas and always look for opportunities to apply the knowledge to solve actual problems. I like feeling competent and I like when some random info I have turns out useful. When I’m facing something difficult, I’m personally unlikely to take the most obvious solution as I really prefer to create my own approach tailored exactly for me, using information I’ve gathered. For this reason I hate unsolicited advice from people that think they know what they are talking about when they actually aren’t and a lot of the time I wish people would just stay silent unless they have something useful to say. I think it’s unnecessary for anybody, including me, to have an opinion about something if you lack expertise to be correct. What is correct though, can be subjective, to me multiple things can be correct at once as long as they have evidence.
I honestly struggle to tolerate people who never question things and simply follow what the system tells them. For this reason, I could never strictly affiliate with a political party or follow a religion, I’m agnostic because I honestly don’t know the truth, and the arguments lead nowhere and while I have tried to find a place in some “system”, I found myself questioning it so much and them being inconsistent so I couldn’t believe at all. Any “objective” system I examine eventually reveals logical gaps that don’t work for me, even though I understand why they work for others and why others feel the need to belong and be guided by someone else.
If someone teaches me a system incorrectly when I know better, I feel irritated at them. I wouldn’t speak up on something I’m not knowledgeable about myself, so I expect the same from others. But I won’t aggressively correct them unless I’m in a safe debate environment. I enjoy debating actually, but only when it’s impersonal and aimed at finding truth, not humiliating someone. I notice that debates are usually about making someone look stupid and neither side is fine with updating their opinion, to me it’s just silly. If I’m presented with valid evidence of my point being factually wrong, why should I keep believing it? Unless it’s something that doesn’t have a correct answer. I personally think a lot of people will try to teach you things that shouldn’t matter to them, like your private life for example.
Inferior Se: My Se is extremely, extremely low. I have no interest in sports, outdoor recreation, or physical sensory activities. I can only enjoy physical activity in a comfortable sensory environment and when it helps clear my mind or is just healthy to do. I’m perfectly content staying indoors for days on end. I don’t seek sensory novelty or indulgence, I abstain from alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, and similar destructive habits because I know how they end up and see no reason to engage. I have fun without them and know I will never try them either. Besides, they waste resources, time, money, things that could be spent productively. My mother is very addicted to alcohol, always has been, which taught me a great deal about such stuff. I consider myself quite chaste (not in a sense I hate talking about sex as an aspect of life, I actually can speak very openly about it). But to me, sex should only happen between people who love each other and should mean something about their bond. I would never seek one-night stands. I’ve been in a romantic relationship three times, twice as a teenager, and my third ended in a marriage I see myself in forever.
My one “sensory” unhealthy habit was mindless tiktok scrolling though. I eventually quit it despite liking some of the content, because I learned how much it dumbs you down and how much false information it spreads. I think I´m more productive now and less misinformed without it.
When stressed, I can raise my voice and become emotional, normally I’m calm. I hate this about myself and always apologize. It’s a learned response from my mother, who would only listen when I got loud and had crash-outs. She enjoyed my emotional distress because it gave her energy for scandals. Now, when extremely stressed, I sometimes feel like the only way to make someone listen is to get loud and passionate, a sharp contrast to my usual quiet personality.
I rarely feel present in my body or environment and must consciously force myself to attend to physical needs. For example, I was diagnosed with PCOS at 15 and still haven’t gone back to the doctor for treatment, it just doesn’t feel like a major problem right now, and I know PCOS isn’t very treatable, so I ignore it.
I’m clumsy and always have been. I’ll search everywhere for my phone while holding it in my hand. My mother was strict with me because I struggled with obvious physical tasks and would forget what I was told to do moments before. When I was 8, a boy pushed me off the playground stairs (I didn’t notice him behind me) and I broke my tailbone. This permanently makes my back hurt during any physical activity (thankfully no disability). I would then performatively take on physical tasks to prove I was still strong enough and didn’t wanna feel like a liability.
Now for INTP. I’ll try to avoid repeating myself over the functions already mentioned and provide new additional information.
Dominant Ti:
My most natural, effortless state is analyzing, deconstructing, and checking for internal consistency in things, tinkering or creating something new. I enjoy writing and have invented tons of systems for my projects, perfecting them so they “work properly.” Sometimes this rigidifies my creativity as I’ll reject something outright if it doesn’t fit the system. I rarely share what I create unless it’s a project I’ll publish with someone else, I genuinely make things just to exercise my brain. Solving my own ideas is its own reward, even if I never use them. I get genuinely happy when I can apply my theories in real life though.
I approach everything not as a community or identity, but as something I can fix. I constantly gather new data, adjust my vision, and refuse to settle until it works in my head. When I have a real-life problem, I overfocus on it, desperately trying to solve it even when it might resolve on its own. I hate being on the receiving end of things as feeling helpless, unable to act, dependent on something else, that’s just the worst feeling for me. It’s why I prefer working alone, group projects feel burdensome unless my teammates are people I trust and respect. I’d rather do everything myself if I had the choice.
At school, I felt dragged down by classmates who didn’t care about learning. I did tasks faster and spent hours sitting in a classroom with people who put in no effort when I´m already ready for the next thing. I could have been doing literally anything more productive. Teachers liked me because I was quiet, undisruptive, and reliably solved whatever they gave me but that grew into abuse of my reliability. Other students cheated off my work, which I actually didn’t mind as sharing gave me a reputation among them and made them leave me alone, and helping seemed only logical because if I can help, why not?
I don’t take “objective” facts at face value. I always question where information comes from, why it was studied, what the real motivation was behind the study. I hate being told what to think, and equally, I hate telling others what to think too, I think everyone has a right to their own opinion to be independent. I refrain from speaking on topics where I lack enough data, and I’ll readily admit if I´m ignorant. I think that’s more admirable than pretending to know.
I hate lying and have a hard time doing it. Because I had to lie and pretend a lot as a child to stay safe, I learned to conceal the truth well, but I prefer to say nothing rather than outright lie. If asked about something I can’t safely answer, I’ll stay silent. I also dislike when others are indirect or won’t tell me the truth.
I’ve been in situations where someone cried because of me coldly stating the truth, and I just froze. On one hand, I’m being a bad person, a bad friend, and I need to comfort them regardless of who’s right. On the other hand, comforting might require me to be dishonest, to say what isn’t true, and that feels like a betrayal of genuineness and that feels like being a bad friend too.
My thoughts stay consistent unless I’m proven logically wrong. I am not a flakey person, what I believe should make sense and remain consistent. I will always announce if something I deeply believed was wrong and won´t just pretend I was always right. I can be stubborn about changing my mind though, someone better build a very strong case if they wanna convince. I don’t mind if someone thinks completely different things from me as long as we aren’t bothering each other and not interacting in the disagreement areas. Multiple perspectives can exist simultaneously for me. What bothers me isn’t disagreement itself, it’s when disagreeing is seen as deviant.
Auxiliary Ne:
I see all my interests, and I have many, as interconnected. If they aren’t naturally, I try to make them connected. I can waste a lot of time trying to prove a theory even when it’s unproductive. I enjoy considering fantastical concepts and brainstorming, but I may resist implementing them in real life if I don’t think they’ll pay off. I like to leave some ideas as pure concepts because putting things on paper can be hard. Secretly I daydream a lot and imagine myself in situations that are impossible just for fun of fantasizing.
My workflow isn’t stable, it´s not a steady line and more like a spikes of highs and lows. I’ll have random surges of energy and productivity, spending hours hyperfixating on something that doesn’t even matter that much but it matters to me in the moment of the surge. Then at another point I’ll feel lazy and struggle to do anything because I lack inspiration, I take a break. My whole energy goes into those bursts. I don’t “drop” interests, I usually circle back to an old idea after a long break, work on it while inspired again, then shift to something entirely different, develop something else. It all connects to a web in my mind and working on separate things actually progresses me overall, at least I see it as that.
When a task disinterests me or feels too routine, I procrastinate intensely and hit deadlines last second. I once had a project with almost a month to work on, but I cared so little I invented it two days before the deadline. I even made up an excuse to buy extra time, and nobody figured it out. I put in the absolute minimum effort and still got praised because it looked like I’d worked hard. But I am reliable, if I said I’ll do something, I’ll do it at any cost, even if it’s grueling.
I have imaginary lists of plans and possibilities for the future. That’s partly why I reject others’ suggestions, in my head, I’ve already mapped things out. But then I take forever to actually start any of those things, delaying other ideas even further.
I crave intellectual stimulation. I don’t like doing the same thing for long periods if it isn’t exciting and unpredictable. I’d rather take breaks from boring tasks so I can forget the routine and return to it later.
I dislike very detailed, hands-on work because I imagine things in a more open way. Unless it’s something I take pride in knowing deeply, I figure out details of the process as I go. In a crisis, I always have plan B, C, D, and more, not because I actually had those plans ready but because I generate new perspectives on the spot. But even though I’m good at seeing the overall direction, I might still miss a crucial small detail that changes everything, because I’m so focused on the end result. When that happens, I improvise solutions on the fly.
If I’m low on resources or energy, I can become closed-off and act like I dislike new things. It’s not actually about the things themselves, it’s about the gap between imagining an activity and physically doing it… theorizing is much easier for me. I’m also not used to my opportunities being so open right now. As a child, my mother only allowed activities she deemed unintrusive or necessary. “Casual entertainment” or “exploration” wasn’t a thing. Getting something new meant it HAD to be good, otherwise it was a complete waste. And again, I had to work hard to repay for anything I got. It´s not because we were poor, but because of her principle that hobbies are childish unless you become an expert and do them for life. I couldn’t even get toys after age 10. Now, as an adult, I’m just so very picky about activities and I get perfectionistic about things I care about, I externalize my knowledge as much as possible on the thing, have to know absolutely everything about it.
I also don’t answer simple ¨yes or no¨ questions directly. If someone asks ¨do you like sports?”, my mind instantly deconstructs the question. “What do you mean by sports is doing sports or watching sports? I enjoy swimming, but I can’t do it without an opportunity. I can’t do lifting. I like watching figure skating actually, but not enough to watch an entire Olympics. I have fun playing tennis, but…” I need the exact definition they’re looking for before I can answer, otherwise I risk giving false information. It can be obnoxious.
Tertiary Si: I recall past experiences that changed me very clearly and have an almost infinite memory for them. I might forget things in the moment, but I never forget something that’s been a long-running “theme” in my life. My upbringing feels so central to who I am now, the values and systems my parents and Russian society instilled in me were hard to let go of as I internalized, and I feel they’ll always be part of me, even though I’m fully independent. For example, I consider myself a feminist but will be randomly misogynistic to myself, even though I’m a very gender blind person to everybody else and treat an individual absolutely the same regardless of sex. I actually wish so bad everybody was like me and gender didn’t matter at all and we only cared about biological matters.
I use past experiences as examples in arguments, drawing comparisons between how things were and how they are to show logical correlations. I use patterns of what I’ve generally liked to predict whether I’ll like something new, and I resist unstable or unpredictable decisions when they have consequences or consume significant resources.
I have an unhealthy habit of checking up on people (like their social media profiles) or things I no longer care about, just to see how they’ve changed without my input, not out of nostalgia, but to remember and compare. I’m not actually looking to restart them. I revisit old obsessions in random bursts. I listen to the same songs a lot because I’m too lazy to look for new music. I’ve tried rewatching childhood shows (though I often find I don’t enjoy them the same way and can’t stick with them). I wear the same clothes all the time, not because they’re dear to me, but because I’m too lazy to dress differently and feel I have enough clothes. I’m actually not attached to physical objects because of history and I don’t have “hoarding” habits because I let go of things easily to optimize.
I don’t have strong routines or physical habits. I struggle to maintain any self-care routine. Like, I know I should brush my hair daily because it gets very tangled, but I abandon it. I tried to make reading before bed a habit and couldn’t keep up, some nights I just didn’t want to, so I didn’t. My energy comes in bursts as I’ve said - I’ll think “I should exercise 30 minutes every day,” do that for three days, then find excuses and stop. I need time off from an activity before returning, so it becomes a cycle of spikes. I’ve always struggled to follow a strict schedule and hate doing the same thing over and over just because it’s “the routine.” I have a hard time creating traditions for myself.
Interestingly, my mother didn’t enforce routines or traditions either. She didn’t care what time I slept or ate as long as I produced a result by the deadline. That’s actually how I was able to mentally separate from her so early, she didn´t control me THAT much. But I do want to give my future children more stability in this regard, teaching them better time management, something I personally struggle with. Overally, for me, the past is for learning “what not to do” and correcting mistakes, not a thing to repeat.
I’m good at identifying physical sensations in my body, but I’m equally good at ignoring symptoms and withstanding discomfort without complaint. In “survival” situations, I’ve disconnected my mind from my body entirely to block out the discomfort. I definitely avoid activities I know will involve sensory unpleasantness - I won’t enjoy a forest picnic because I immediately imagine bugs crawling on me, cutting myself on grass, getting dirty. I avoid public bathrooms at all costs because I don’t want to put myself in that environment.
Finally, Inferior Fe:I have a very low social battery. Unless it’s my husband (I can spend hours with him and not get tired), I need significant recovery time after socializing because I become slow… slow to answer, slow to pay attention. Large crowds exhaust me. I’ve always kept my social circle very small. As a child I was quiet and didn’t make friends unless someone approached me first.
Unless it’s specifically a group activity, I see little quality difference between doing something alone versus with someone. Often I prefer being alone. I’ll scan my surroundings in public to find routes that avoid acquaintances. I don’t hate people, but I have no genuine interest in making new acquaintances unless there’s a clear reason. To me, I already have my perfect social circle and I wasn´t bothered as a kid about being a loner and a weirdo for that. Before I had my social group perfected, I’d connect with people over games I liked, but I wasn’t actively “looking for friends”. Friends came naturally.
I often wish to be left alone. I dislike when someone who barely knows me digs into personal information that, to me, seems irrelevant to them. Why would a near-stranger ask about my job, my marriage, my plans for kids? I wish we could talk about something they actually care about instead of performing a template conversation they won’t even remember. I couldn’t care less about small talk like “so what did you do last weekend?” I prefer conversations that are informative, direct, and don’t share information the other person doesn’t need.
I talk about myself only when asked, and even then I keep it short because I find it hard to believe anyone truly cares. It bothers me when I do share something and the person forgets it, it signals to me they didn’t bother to remember, which hurts especially since I share so little. My closest friends knew very little about my personal life. They knew my interests and stands on things, but not about my lowest points or suicide attempts. I didn’t want to burden them, and I saw no reason to share struggles when the person likely had no say in the situation anyway.
Even when I was consoled, it didn’t affect me much because it felt like the person didn’t really understand what they were talking about. I’ve noticed others focus on comfort while I focus on fixing the problem. I also have a lingering fear that people might use my vulnerable emotions to manipulate me, so if I’m offended, I rarely express it emotionally. I just state the truth and ask for a fix.
I wear my “social outcast” label comfortably now. I used to feel unbearable because I literally didn’t know what to do with myself and couldn’t fit anywhere and I was told it´s a bad thing. Now I’m comfortable in my own world with only my closest people. I want others to leave me to my own devices, just as I leave them to theirs. All I care about is that my behavior isn’t objectively harmful and that I maintain basic politeness, common kindness matters to me a lot.
What I do care deeply about is authentic connection. I hate lying, pretending, and when others do the same to me. But here’s the dissonance… I expect others to be open and honest with me (and they often are as I’ve said) but I remain avoidant myself. If someone asks why I’m like this, I’ll tell them honestly, but only if they ask. I feel the burden of a deep relationship is too heavy for me unless it’s with my husband. I keep all my friendships relatively shallow. A friend could not talk to me for over a year, and if they messaged me again, I’d act exactly the same and not think it’s a big deal.
Generally I feel very comfortable doing things that are considered weird or cringe because I learnt to accept myself the way I am and learnt that I should only listen to someone I know actually cares to help me.
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None of the INTP functions fit properly. I don't see anything here that contradicts INFJ. The uncertainty is likely linked to underdeveloped Fe, as well as not enough awareness about just how much of your thought process is populated by unhealthy Ti.
I always feel sad to hear about lack of support from family and/or the sociocultural environment. I think you ought to feel proud for having the strength to defy your upbringing and social conditioning. Realistically, though, it does take a long time to cleanse those negative influences from the mind. Don't be disappointed when they pop up from time to time. It's all part of the growth process. If they didn't pop up, you wouldn't know they're still there, and you wouldn't have opportunity to cleanse them properly and become more fully yourself.
Fe development is vital to this process because, through the mirror of relationships, you can more objectively see the negative aspects of yourself that need addressing. I think this is where your type development has stalled. You still have work to do to open yourself up to the world.
Anon wrote: Hi mbti notes! I'm 21 female infp and I don't know what is my problem that distracts me from my studies and goals. For almost 3 years since I was allowed access to social media I realized I was stuck in negative emotion patterns and that I was sensitive to a specific topic that is about relationship dynamics between men and women and the war between them in social media at the beginning the drama would show up in my social media but now I would search for it voluntiraly and give it my attention.
To be honest I think that affects me even though I've never been in a relationship with a man and I don't plan to do so until I finish my long studies but I don't know why I'm too invested in analysing couples and choosing my standarts for my future partner to the point that it affects my daily working life ! I even got to the point that I start imagining scenarios constantly about my future marriage and generally it ends up with drama in my head and end up affecting my mood leading me to procrastinate and scrolling too much on my phone instead of studying.
To be honest I feel kind of jealous of men because of their priviliges especially because I live in a sexist society and this jealousy made me so sentitive to even the small implicit mysoginistic comments or jokes or even to normal biological facts differences between men and women. I would even cry about the fact that I'm not of the opposite sex and feel worthless Sorry if I sound stupid but I just want your advice to focus on what is important in my life and my studies and not think and feel that way
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There are several issues that you need to tackle here, so I'll try to break them down for you. Many of these issues have come up before, so be sure to browse previous posts for more detail.
(1) You've Been Poisoned
You have fallen victim to the attention economy. For the past twenty years, tech companies have been perfecting their methods of harvesting human attention for profit. They have learned to use all manner of underhanded psychological tactics to trigger your most base emotions, invent feelings of privation in you, and offer you fraudulent solutions to your unfulfilled emotional needs.
Their ultimate goal is to keep you hooked on their platforms like a hamster on a wheel, generating a reliable source of revenue. As you can tell by the company names that sit atop the stock market, they've been very successful in building their hamster collection. Just like the tobacco industry, the younger they can hook you on their product, the better, because the harder it is for you to quit. Have you given serious thought as to how much of your life you've already sacrificed to them?
Why do you speak as though you are helpless? Stop allowing yourself to be poisoned. Do you not have full control over your decision-making? Do you not have full control over how you allocate your time, energy, and mental resources? If you know that an activity is unhealthy for you, because you see the negative consequences right in front of your nose, should you not make an attempt to stop doing it or at least get it under better control?
(2) Fix Your Beliefs
Have you ever undertaken any kind of media literacy training? If not, you should. Do you understand how social media is used to feed you misinformation, distort your thought patterns, twist your emotions, and infect your mind with false beliefs about the world? Many people realize this is happening now but they still don't know the true extent and harm of it.
The more time you spend eating up the bait they lay out for you in the virtual world, the more your perception of the world becomes removed from reality. Becoming untethered from reality is one of the most destructive things that can happen to your mental health and well-being. When you are not in touch with reality, it means you are too poorly informed to understand the truth of situations, so it becomes impossible for you to make good judgments and decisions in daily life.
Getting back in touch with reality isn't easy depending on how far gone you are. However, it is the cure for a faulty belief system. If you are unable to detect the flaws in your own thinking, then it is best for you to get outside help. You need someone in your life who has the intellectual ability to constantly challenge you and point out every time you are wrong about things. This person can be a good friend, a trusted family member, a counselor of some kind, or a therapist.
(3) Stuck in Your Head
Without enough outside feedback, critique, and correction, you are always at risk of being trapped in your own made-up reality. Introverts may not get enough contact with the outside world to form a full and accurate view of reality. And then add to that the tendency of Intuitives to only trust in their own ideas/conceptions/imaginings. Thus, being stuck in one's head is a particularly concerning problem for IN types.
When you spend enough time on social media, tech companies essentially know your mind. Based on the things you click on and pay attention to, they know exactly what kind of content engages you. For example, through the interactions you've made repeatedly online, they know to feed you information that makes you anxious, scared, and angry with regard to the "gender wars".
There is no doubt that sexism and misogyny exist in the world. However, the way that social media portrays these problems does not help you gain a deeper understanding of them nor educate you properly on how best to address them. What social media content from the masses does is oversimplify complex issues by focusing only on "pain points", so that the problem gets amplified a thousandfold in your mind. And then you live in a heightened state of fear or anger, perfect for farming revenue with.
You admitted that this is all you can think about now and it even impacts how you make decisions. This obsession has cost you a happy and healthy life. When you live in a constant state of stress, mired in extreme beliefs about the world, your brain doesn't function properly. There is no way you can think clearly and rationally and make good decisions. But, being stuck in your head, you can't see that.
You need to make more investment in a real life in the real world in order to disrupt and change the narrative loops that social media has implanted in your mind.
(4) Improve Your Thinking Skills
Chronically heightened emotional states become especially problematic when you lack critical thinking skills. You seem to just accept whatever you see and hear as long as it lines up with your feelings and emotional triggers, truth be damned.
Social media companies have everything to gain from you blindly accepting and taking part in their version of reality. Their version of reality involves pitting people against each other to create perpetual conflict for grabbing attention. (And when people are too busy fighting each other, they'll never unite to fight the real enemies of society.)
You are already 21, an adult. Yet social media use has kept your intellectual development stunted in adolescence. Being an adult means becoming independent and learning how to think for yourself. Unfortunately, for immature people, all "thinking for yourself" means is that you get to invent your own reality.
No, thinking for yourself means you make a concerted effort to grow your intellectual capabilities, through systematically improving your knowledge, skills, and expertise. There already exist many good ways to educate yourself and improve yourself, so why choose the worst ways in social media?
One of the most important things you can do for yourself, in terms of making better decisions in life, is sharpen your critical thinking skills. Without good critical thinking, you will lack the ability to reason well and process information logically. This means you will always be at risk of being victimized by anyone who knows how to manipulate your emotions, exploit your weaknesses, and appeal to your ego. Do you want to be like a sitting duck your whole life?
To have good critical thinking requires you to engage with the world in a way that connects you to factual reality in its entirety. You must always investigate questionable claims against empirical evidence and proof. You must learn to gather sufficient information, analyze it, and evaluate it in an objective manner.
So far, what I see is that you ignore factual reality of the world at large, selectively gather evidence to suit your beliefs, and twist information to justify your personal feelings. This speaks to dominant Fi operating in extremes, especially extreme subjectivity. When the dominant function is unhealthy, there is no way the other functions can be healthy.
(5) Live or Die by Your Values
You claim to be INFP, therefore, your type development ought to begin with dominant Fi. You should NOT need me or anyone else to tell you what is most important in life because dominant Fi is already uniquely equipped for that task. The problem is precisely that you have allowed this malicious outside entity (social media) to invade your mind and dominate your thought processes. Shut that sh*t down so that you can finally hear your own voice.
It is admirable that you care deeply about gender inequality and injustice. This speaks to you having strong values. However, the ways that you're choosing to express these values is problematic. Instead of working to heal the inequality and divisions between people, you've been inadvertently recruited into making them worse, into being an obedient soldier. Now you see people as crude stereotypes rather than complex and redeemable individuals.
Every person, no matter their gender, is a complicated mix of good and bad qualities, are they not? Yet, instead of approaching people with an open mind, getting to know them as individuals, and seeing where there are openings for progress (Fi+Ne), all you do is pick a team and brace yourself for battle. If that's going to be your first stance, you're never going to have healthy relationships. Put out prejudice and hostility and what should you expect in return?
Healthy Fi tells you the truth about your own hypocrisy and complicity. And most importantly, healthy Fi informs you of the most honorable ways to tackle a problem. Who are you? What do you value? What do you stand for? What do you want to spend your time and effort working to build up? These are the questions you need to reflect on.
The answers to these questions must take a constructive and affirmative form rather than a destructive or negative form. E.g. Saying what you are not isn't the same as what you are. Saying what you stand against isn't the same as what you are for. Saying what you don't want/value isn't the same as what you do want/value.
Devote yourself to the things you love in the real world, not the things you hate in the virtual world. Devote yourself to championing real-life causes, not eating up pointless media rage bait. Devote yourself to the things that most deserve attention in the real world, not the things that least deserve your attention online. The choice is always yours.
It is a choice, to take control of one's life. I value my life, so I'm mindful about how I spend my time. It's very important to me to feel like my actions have meaning, so I reflect on whether I'm wasting my efforts on trivial matters. This is me living my values.
When I first joined social media over a decade ago, I always had online conversations going on with a variety of people. Eventually, I realized I spent more time on inane online chats than caring for the flesh-and-blood humans standing in front of me, whether it was my parent or the cashier at the store. I didn't like being such an absent person and I knew I had to make a big change. Now, 99% of my socializing takes place in person. And I schedule regular digital detoxes to disrupt social media attempts to warp my reality.
Have you noticed how I only post once a week at most? The rest of the week I'm too busy with personal projects, connecting with loved ones of all genders, volunteering, and enjoying the beauty of the world to think about what someone said on social media. My phone only notifies me when my closest family/friends are looking for me directly. When you fill your life with meaningful and edifying activities, you're not going to have much time to sit and stare at a screen, are you?
What widespread social media addiction has revealed is just how many of us live empty lives, devoid of the right values and proper purpose. Subconsciously, people use social media to cope with issues such as aimlessness, boredom, apathy, anxiety, depression, alienation, loneliness, frustration, etc. Healthy and creative Ne could certainly come up with better ways to address these issues, yes?
Anon wrote: Hello, I would appreciate if you would help me discern between two types. I am 21 years old and I have ADHD and depression. I am comparing types ESTP and ISTP. When I take cognitive function assessments, my top results are ISTP and ESTP almost tied. I was also told that I write like an ISTP but have the vibe/aesthetic of an ISFP. All the evidence for both types and their functions are below.
For extra context, I asked my mom if the inferior Ni or Fe seemed more like me when I don’t act like my normal self. She said both had one or two points she didn’t think applied to me at all. Neither one stood out as more prominent to her.
ESTP:
Se
* Do you have high tolerance for excitement and often seek out engaging and stimulating activities? Flip side: Do you easily suffer boredom, restlessness, or fear of missing out when nothing much is happening for you?
I like excitement and stimulating activities. I don’t seek them out all the time and often what’s engaging/stimulating to me are solitary activities. Some things that are stimulating to me are dance, exercise, theatre, singing, drawing, browsing reddit, meeting up with friends, playing games (alone and with friends), having interesting political/intellectual conversations, and learning about political theories. I watch youtube basically any time I have alone time. It’s stimulating to me. It is fairly difficult to motivate myself to do boring things, especially without the pressure of something like school or other important responsibilities. For example, I have been trying to learn a language, but it’s really hard to find the motivation to do it and I often just have to use brute force to get myself to practice. Restlessness? Sometimes. I often keep myself busy so I get more tired than restless, but if I’m doing nothing for a day or so I do start to feel a bit crazy and a strong urge to do something. I can get fomo for sure, especially if i’m in a more depressive state, but if I’m feeling pretty stable I don’t usually get much fomo.
* Is it very important to you to be quick to do, join, participate, or interact without hesitation? Is having fun or experiencing pleasure your main deciding factor? Does life quickly seem empty when you can’t explore or adventure as you please? Is your initial reaction to restrictions on your movements usually knee-jerk rebellion/defiance?
I like to participate if I feel comfortable, but it’s not always without hesitation. If a friend that I like invites me to something though, I’m down to go like 95% of the time. Having fun is a factor, but idk if it’s the main deciding factor. Sometimes I’m too tired, insecure, or busy to go have fun. But honestly if i’m invited to something I see as fun, I really want to go. I’m not sure if life seems empty if I can’t explore; more frustrating maybe. It definitely felt liberating when I learned how to drive and if I don’t have a car, I can get irritated that I can’t do much. But I’m not exploring like all the time or anything. I’m ok with being at home for hours. I don’t think my movements get restricted that much, but I can be quite triggered by being told what to do authoritatively, especially by my parents. I can get quite angry if too much is demanded of me.
* Are you playful, spontaneous, and free-spirited at heart? Are you very open to new situations and naturally say ‘yes’ to invitations? Do you like not knowing what the future holds so that it remains a surprise?
I think I’m fairly playful and spontaneous when I’m comfortable and not tired. I’m open to most new situations unless it seems stressful or awkward. Like if someone invites me to something without plans or last minute, it doesn’t bother me. I say yes to most invitations, but I can take a moment to think about it and weigh the pros and cons briefly before saying yes. Idgaf about the future most of the time, I don’t think it’s about fun surprises though.
* When feeling low, do you find yourself seeking physical distractions, indulging in sensory pleasures, or purposely creating drama/excitement? Do you naturally express yourself through your physicality? Does sitting still too long to look within start to fill you with low-key dread?
When feeling low, I do seek out distractions and indulgence a good amount. I overeat, consume too much media, and seek comfort more. I don’t really create drama, especially if I’m feeling low. I like expressing myself through physicality, not all the time, but it’s calming to me. I’m not really sure what the last question is asking so probably not.
* Do you have a pattern of disliking people who seem: “all talk and no action”, half-baked, pretentious, insinuating, circuitous, overcomplicated, navel-gazing, cowardly, timid, conventional, inhibited, uptight?
A little, but it’s not that bad imo. I do get annoyed when people take too long to say something simple or over explain something I already understand. I have a friend that sometimes annoys me because I’ll ask a simple question and she’ll give me an essay of an answer. I also really don’t enjoy being talked to like i’m dumb or explained to about something I already know.
* Have you gotten recurring feedback about being (and/or feel sensitive to being labeled as): ostentatious, loud, a showboat, vain, impulsive, aimless, slapdash, flippant, glib, superficial, naive, childish, silly, not to be taken seriously?
Well, it does bother me if people don’t take me seriously for sure. But, I don’t think I get that sort of feedback often.
Ni grip
Signs of dominant Se extremes:
* superficial mindset
I sometimes judge people based on what they look like or initially seem like upon first meeting. For example, I saw someone’s instagram before meeting them and thought they seemed really annoying (they aren’t). Otherwise, I’m not very superficial.
* reckless/flippant behavior
I was more flippant when I was a teenager. I would think people took things way too seriously and made some insensitive jokes. Not reckless basically ever.
* no intellectual curiosity
On occasion I’ll have days where I don’t want to think or intellectual topics just bore me, but not very often.
* very low expectations
of what? of myself? not really. Of others? I usually don’t have many expectations other than not being an asshole for others.
* chronic aimlessness
I can get this way yes. Sometimes I will wonder if I will even be able to “make it” in life. I hate when people ask me what my goals are. I usually don’t think about goals, especially when they are in the distant future. My mindset is I’ll go where life takes me and I don’t have a good way of predicting how that will go.
Loss of normal and healthy dominant Se functioning:
* I feel as though life is too serious/tedious, like an uphill battle.
I get this way about school, especially when there’s more work than usual to do. I am a chronic procrastinator and sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth it or if I will be able to do things on time. Life especially felt like an uphill battle when I was depressed. Most things took a lot of brute force to do. I get worse at cleanliness during times like these too.
* I am unable to feel engaged or enjoy the things I usually enjoy.
Felt like this when I was depressed for sure. Even the activities that I usually use to turn my brain off and comfort me annoy me or aren’t as rewarding in these moments. I can drop hobbies that require some effort in these moments too (drawing, learning a language, etc.). It makes it really difficult to pick up the hobby again.
* I recklessly/greedily lap up new experiences in attempts to feel good.
I will do things that I don’t usually do to feel good sometimes, but it’s not very reckless. Like going out of my way to get ice cream or going to a meetup or party that I don’t usually want to go to.
Examples of out of character inferior Ni grip tendencies:
* I am alone, removed, closed, trapped in myself.
This isn’t fully out of character for me, but it doesn’t feel very healthy most of the time. I can have periods where I barely socialize, I isolate myself in a sort of childish defiant way, and I just don’t participate in life as much.
* I can’t help feeling gloomy, small, unassured.
When I was depressed, I would have thoughts about how I was insignificant, nobody cared about me, am I not fun enough, and feeling unable to be myself around others.
* I am more intolerant, doubtful, distrustful about everything.
When I’m in a bad place in general I become less willing to admit that I’m wrong, more argumentative, and definitely distrustful of other’s advice.
* I panic about being doomed in some imagined future scenario.
I had a moment recently like this believing I was going to end up homeless on the streets with no money or job because I don’t have a stable career. Also, I sometimes think I am doomed to be single forever.
* I am paranoid about ulterior motives (e.g. being taken advantage of).
I have had occasional moments where I think most of my friends dislike me but are too polite to say it. This sometimes makes me panic that all this time I was naively believing we were friends while I was more like a charity case to them. Otherwise, not much motive questioning.
* I suddenly feel as though I’m missing something important in life.
I occasionally get really bothered by my lack of romantic experience. I can also become bothered by the idea of having to work my whole life and that i’d be unhappy and unfulfilled.
* I look for (mystical) “signs” to confirm my suspicions/insecurities.
No. Sometimes I read too much into body language or tone of voice, but never “mystical” things.
* I am plagued by vivid disturbing images, even fear going insane.
I don’t think this has ever happened to me.
* I seek higher purpose/meaning, easily sliding into delusions of grandeur.
No.
Auxiliary Ti
* unwilling to slow down and think/plan properly beforehand
On occasion but not often. Sometimes an opportunity will arise and I’ll go for it without proper planning. Like if someone invites me out at 1am, I might just say yes before I think about the fact that I will loose sleep and need to get up early.
* ignores troubling inconsistencies/contradictions in belief system
I can have occasional short periods of this. I can be prone to looking for evidence that reinforces what I already believe when I’m being challenged.
* tries to justify/excuse mistakes instead of correcting course
I tend to make excuses for my mistakes first and then try to correct course. If the mistakes aren’t as important to me or not very harmful, I don’t like to take responsibility or try to find sources outside of myself that contributed to the mistakes.
* unable to recognize own faulty logic and bad decisions
Not really. Sometimes not recognizing faulty logic. Like every so often I’ll make a conclusion based on somewhat surface level information or not let myself consider a possibility because it challenges my beliefs. I don’t make many bad decisions.
* looks down on those who seem slow or contemplative
I can get impatient when people overthink something simple or are talking for a very long time about nothing interesting to me. People who question and challenge most things I say get under my skin. I can be selective of what I think deserves contemplation and what doesn’t.
* very quick to jump to oversimplistic conclusions
Sometimes, especially about people’s beliefs. If I hear one thing I disagree with, I sometimes assume the rest of their political position and shoot down their idea without fully hearing it out.
* overconfident/arrogant about own intelligence
I have been told I sometimes seem like I think I’m smarter than others. This has been consistent feedback I’ve gotten, but I don’t do it all the time. I do somewhat doubt other people’s conclusions on something I’ve studied because I know I put work into learning it and I doubt that they researched it enough.
* emotionally void; criticizes/nitpicks everything out of boredom
I have periods of time where I feel a very small range of emotions. I used to correct people every single time they made a grammar or spelling mistake. It was very annoying. I also used to correct people’s misinformed opinions much more, though I still do this too much. I saw it as “helping” them because they shouldn’t be misinformed. I know now that it’s just not worth it and you will piss people off with unsolicited corrections.
* twists logic to justify self-serving decision-making
I can’t think of an example, but I’m not sure if I do this or not.
* condescends to anyone perceived as “unintelligent”
As I mentioned above, I occasionally come across like I think I’m smarter than everyone. I try to not shame people for not knowing things though because I hate when people do that to me.
* displays good sense when making judgments/decisions
I think most of the time, especially when I’m in a better mood, I can make rational decisions without getting my opinions over-involved. I try to listen to opinions or facts that don’t seem correct to me at first glance because I know I don’t understand it enough to make a strong judgment. I have been told I seem more like a realist than a pessimist or an optimist. Though I still have moments of pessimism and optimism.
* frank and honest about own flaws, mistakes, shortcomings
I am to myself and try to be honest about my mistakes. I take criticism pretty well and try to really consider it. I’m able to admit that I’m too stubborn and argumentative sometimes to friends. I don’t like when I make mistakes, but I don’t let them control me and I use it to grow.
* willing to examine own problematic beliefs/judgments
If I end up with problematic beliefs, it will eventually change because I can’t live ignoring the contradictions in my beliefs for very long. I can get very eager about beliefs that feel right to me, but eventually if the evidence proves otherwise, I am willing to let it go or modify it. I also care about what is best for humanity more than preserving my beliefs. An example is when a big polarizing political event happened, I had previous vaguely positive ideas about the party who was in the wrong. Instead of doubling down, I took the time to research and form my own opinion (my opinion changed drastically). I also took time and effort to change my parents’ beliefs on this subject and it worked.
* works hard to resolve flaws in knowledge/reasoning/judgment
I work somewhat hard to resolve flaws in my knowledge. I question my beliefs a good amount and am open to change. But I’m not working very hard to resolve all flaws. I’m more likely to just say I don’t know than try to resolve the flaws in everything.
* uses skills and intelligence in positive ways (to solve problems)
I love to help people when they want to be helped. I don’t force correction anymore, but if someone wants feedback I love to be there for that. I am willing to be the person who makes sure we make the most ethical choice and I can do the research and listen to multiple perspectives to be sure about my conclusion.
Fe loop
* can’t admit that own poor judgment caused bad outcomes
Occasionally this happens. Every so often I fear being seen as a bad person more than owning up to my mistakes.
* difficulty being resolute without some external help/validation
I experience this mostly when I need to respond to people. I will need to write an important email or text and I usually ask my mom to look it over or help me find the right wording. I’m also not very good at confronting people about serious matters by myself.
* uses charm or humor to deflect attention from shortcomings
Idk if it’s because I want to deflect attention from my shortcomings, but I do use humor as my main way of getting people to like me. I tend to find myself in friendships where most of the jokes are made by me. I can feel somewhat insecure if I’m in a group where someone else is funny one.
* fishes for praise, agreement, or affirmation to deflect criticism
Occasionally. One time I did poorly on a presentation with another student and I went to my friends to seek their validation that it was more his fault than mine. When people see me as really good at something, I feel like I can’t ever make a mistake in that area. I also get this way about my looks when I’m insecure, like “be honest, am I unattractive?” but hoping for validation.
* wants to be taken seriously but won’t be serious when it matters
I do want to be taken seriously, but I think I am able to be serious when it matters. I know well enough to not make jokes at insensitive times.
* cites “expert” facts/opinions for convenience rather than truth
If I think someone won’t believe me unless I cite an expert, I do this. I try to use people who the person I’m trying to convince looks up to in order to strengthen my position.
* makes unfair/condescending social comparisons to feel superior
Very rarely. If I’m in a really bad mood I might think or say something to the effect of “well they’re a bad person, so they aren’t better than me at [insert skill].”
* provokes or manipulates people’s emotions for self-centered gain
No, at least not that I’ve noticed.
ISTP:
Ti
* Do you have a naturally technical mind, quick to draw up the mechanics/mechanisms of how things work, easily troubleshooting problems with skill, precision, and accuracy? Flip side: Do you easily get confused by situations that defy simple technical explanations or formulaic solutions?
Sort of? Like on a surface level, yes, but I don’t usually go into too much depth on how machines and the like work. I do like to understand how societal and political structures work. I think I’m a pretty good problem solver, but not always the most precise. I can get somewhat confused by things that aren’t straightforward, but not that much. I can deal with a certain amount of complexity well.
* Is it very important to you to handle life and life’s problems on your own? Do you have a knack for keeping everything clear and simple (to your mind)? Is your initial reaction to “complications” usually confusion or curiosity?
Very important? no. Fairly important? yeah. I like to handle things on my own if I can but I’m not ashamed to ask for help or consult others. I think I’m good at keeping things clear and simple, but I also acknowledge the complexities and grey areas of life as much if not more. I’m not sure what is meant by “complications.” I’d say probably curiosity and some stress.
* Are you a straightforward person who speaks in plain facts, needs time for private interests, and stays out of situations that don’t involve you? Do you have difficulty understanding why people get worked up about things that seem inconsequential to you?
I think I tend towards straightforward fact speaking, but not fully. I do need some time for private interests for sure. I kinda stay out of situations that don’t involve me drama wise, but I like learning about situations other than my own. It can be somewhat difficult for me to understand why people get worked up about things that I don’t, but I usually try to understand or at least not dismiss them just because I don’t understand.
* When feeling low, do you find yourself stuck on a very particular problem or feeling bored due to lack of stimulating activity? Do you find that mastering a new skill (to solve the problem) and/or setting a personal challenge to skillfully overcome easily reinvigorates you?
When I feel low I can get stuck on a specific issue in my life, but I don’t think being bored is me “feeling low.” New skills or challenges can reinvigorate me -if- I’m into them. Some skills are just tedious though.
* Do you have a pattern of disliking people who seem: hasty, indiscreet, meddlesome, pushy, dogmatic, ideological, overemotional, irrational, indirect/manipulative, unwilling to face up to mistakes or admit errors?
Somewhat. Meddlesome, pushy, manipulative, and unwilling to admit mistakes are things I dislike in people, but I don’t need or want everyone to be unemotional or rational.
* Have you gotten recurring feedback about being (and/or feel sensitive to being labeled as): lazy, indifferent, oblivious, asocial, uncaring, inexpressive, emotionally void/distant/unavailable, inappropriate, obnoxious, awkward, arrogant, inconsiderate?
I have gotten uncaring, emotionally distant, inconsiderate, and sometimes inexpressive. Not extremely, but those issues can pop up sometimes. I get people upset about being argumentative more than anything else though.
inferior Fe
Signs of dominant Ti extremes:
* emotionally unavailable
like 85% of the time I feel very neutral or numb. I have been told I seem like I have no emotions. I’m also really awkward when people are emotional around me. I’d like to help, but I really don’t know what to do most of the time with other’s emotions.
* critical or antagonistic
If something goes against my values or closely held knowledge, I can be very critical of it. Also, if I think people are being inefficient I can get kinda controlling, although I’ve learned to let it go in the past few years. For example, until around 3 years ago, I would become so irritated when in escape rooms with people. I would start criticizing their “wasting time” and basically try to control everyone (even though I didn’t really know how to solve it). Recently, I get this way mostly about movies because it bothers me when a movie I think is crap is seen as “deep” by a lot of people.
* very shallow relationships
I don’t think so? Some relationships I have are shallow, but I think everyone has those. If I don’t have a close friend or two who I share deep things with for a few months or more, I get pretty depressed.
* doesn’t recognize social obligations
I usually get upset at social norms and some obligations, but I usually end up following them (mostly) anyways. If this is about maintaining relationships, I’m not always the best at it, especially if we don’t see each other regularly. I definitely could put more effort into relationships in general though.
Loss of normal and healthy dominant Ti functioning:
* I feel strangely confused or can’t think straight.
I get this sometimes. It usually happens as a brain fog that sort of obstructs my ability to be alert and thoughtful. Also, I have difficulty grasping certain concepts without examples that make sense to me.
* I am unable to make sense of the problem(s) facing me.
um, I’m not really sure how you “make sense” of problems. I’ve never been very confused about a problem that I faced. I usually understand where it came from and why.
* I don’t know why I am doing the negative/obnoxious things I do.
I do tend to catch myself being overly negative sometimes, especially to family. Sometimes I react strongly to something and I don’t fully understand where it came from. I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, but it’s a lot of work to seem nice all the time.
Examples of out of character inferior Fe grip tendencies:
* I am uncool, awkward, unconfident, “not myself”.
Yeah, especially when I feel insecure or inadequate in my relationships. I can be overly aware of how I’m coming across or how I should interact that I start to be awkward or unnatural. I also feel this way most of the time when making new friends.
* I can’t help feeling strangely guilty, ashamed, unsure, inadequate.
I had a moment like this recently where I messed something up on mother’s day and I felt awful. In my head I was thinking about how I seem like I don’t appreciate my mother and how I ruined this day for her. I was nearly about to cry and she wasn’t even feeling that bad. In those moments I start to become very meek, apologetic, and wary.
* I am more inclined to seek affirmation, approval, agreement.
Approval for sure. When I’m insecure, I’m less authentic because I don’t want to be cast aside and I want people to like me. I’ll try to adopt more “feminine” caring traits, even though it feels and comes across weirdly.
* I can’t brush off things that I usually don’t think/care about.
Yeah. When I’m secure in friendships, I have no problem being myself and have very few anxieties. But, when I was depressed I was constantly walking on eggshells around others and felt like a burden. I also can start overthinking about my future and like what if I make no money and die sorts of things.
* I am saddened/startled by how inept I am at caring for others.
100% This has been bothering me recently. Sometimes I will see others comfort each other so easily and plainly and it just does not come naturally to me. I do want to be a good friend, but I find myself mainly able to provide practical solutions or “it’s not that bad” type of advice. But I try to hold back on that too cause sometimes that’s not what people need or want, but idk what they need and it frustrates me.
* I am suddenly very bothered about feeling alienated.
I think this has been reflected in my previous answers, but yes when I get stressed/depressed I become very aware of being disconnected from friends. It feels like nobody cares about me and I brought this upon myself by being so unable to express my emotions/needs.
* I go out of my way to provoke/get attention from a particular person.
eh. Not really, I’m more likely to stew in my own head and withdraw.
* I suddenly escalate arguments or get caught up in drama.
Not usually caught up in drama, but I can get veeery argumentative and explosively angry during those arguments when I’m unstable. I often end up yelling and probably crying afterwards during those intense arguments.
* I irrationally suspect/accuse people of trying to manipulate/control me.
I don’t do this.
Auxiliary Se
* distant, passive, indifferent, apathetic
I don’t have opinions on most everyday things. In the past, I have tended towards nihilistic worldviews on occasion. I can seem uninterested in most things at times with short, unenthusiastic reactions.
* unadventurous, never initiates, declines to participate
I get a bit too much fomo for this, but I get more of this if i’m tired or depressed. I am pretty bad at initiating. Most of the time I don’t have ideas of what to do and if I do, planning can be a drag. I’ve really only declined to participate when depressed because I feel unwanted or like a burden or I just don’t like the event (like a shitty frat party or something).
* narrow interests but refuses new ones (despite being bored)
If I’m bored with an interest, I usually drop it unless it’s important for some other reason. My interests can be very specific and unrelatable to most people. I don’t talk about most of my favorite interests with people I know.
* puts personal desires first even when it produces harm/self-harm
sometimes? I sometimes refuse to do something for fear of rejection or my energy being drained and saying no to something I may enjoy does hurt.
* self-contained; absent of worldly drive and ambition
Yeah, I have a lot of drive, but also none at all sometimes. I can get very comfortable doing little and not progressing in life, although there’s usually a part of myself that gets shit moving again. This aspect is more prominent when I don’t have a busy schedule to keep me moving.
* selfish and impulsive, does whatever one wants
Kinda, but like 95% of the time I think before I act or at least control my impulsions. But I do have moments of impulsivity. I’m usually too scared to make it a big thing though.
* easily addicted to physical/sensory stimulation
Yeah. I tend to overeat, especially when bored. I am also very addicted to the internet and youtube. I can be on my phone for 10 hours a day sometimes.
* tries anything just to feel “alive” and “high”
Not really? I try some things but not anything. Like, I don’t want to do drugs or impulsive sex or anything that reckless. I like feeling alive and have that itch sometimes, but I haven’t really “done anything” to get it.
* evades consequences; leaves a trail of destruction
Maybe in the moment I won’t take responsibility, but like 99% of the time I end up taking responsibility fairly soon after something happens. Like if I hurt a friend’s feelings, I might take a bit, but I will reach out and try to reconcile and learn what I did wrong.
* wants immediate gratification; angry when thwarted
Sometimes I get angry when my parents disturb me, but otherwise not that often. I do get somewhat irritated by not getting quick or sufficient answers to a problem. I’m also generally not super patient; not good at waiting without getting irritated.
* easygoing and carefree yet grounded and pragmatic
Yep, I think this is how most people would describe me. Especially recently, I can calm down and go with the flow whilst being practical.
* fun-loving attitude but doesn’t seek pleasure merely out of boredom
I do seek pleasure out of boredom, but I think I have fun for other reasons as well. Like even if I’m busy, I can usually make time to hang out with a friend if they want to.
* keeps productive by committing to hands on, skill building activities
Kinda. My interests are like 50/50 physical and not. I like to dance, sing, act, and draw which are physical skills types of hobbies. I also like learning about typology, political theories, and psychology which aren’t “hands on.” I suppose the hands on activities do usually keep me more productive than the thinky ones.
* faces facts; addresses flaws/weaknesses/mistakes very honestly
Yeah most of the time. I usually have a hard time admitting I am wrong in the moment, but I almost always end up admitting fault or that I was wrong if I truly was. I think I have to admit my weaknesses in order to get any better.
* observant of consequences of healthy/unhealthy gratification
Kinda. This one isn’t as much of a noticeable problem in my life, but I don’t necessarily put much thought into healthy or unhealthy gratification. I have been eating a bit better, but I still eat deserts fairly consistently.
Ni loop
* can’t see that lack of will and commitment causes restlessness
I think I notice when I start to get restless, but sometimes I don’t do anything about it and it builds up as tension in my body and emotions.
* disengaged; never acts to change problematic situations
If I feel overwhelmed, sometimes I stay in my room by myself and try to distract myself from my life’s issues with consuming media.
* drifts through life with no regard for/awareness of rules and conventions
It took me a while to be able to say “please” and “thank you.” I still have a difficult time saying “I love you” back to a friend who says it first. I have learned more social politeness but it was a struggle to get there.
* irrationally paranoid about being trapped/confined/controlled
Not really. I sometimes react negatively to people giving me orders because I don’t like to be controlled, but I don’t get irrational paranoia.
* uses “alternative” lifestyle to immaturely express independence/individuality
Especially during the pandemic, I dyed my hair bright colors, wore “emo” clothing, and did some crazy makeup. I don’t like to stand out too much though.
* believes in nonsense “mystical” signs/intuitions about how to live life
No.
* self-defeating; unable/unwilling to have faith in anything or anyone
I have looked into philosophy and I was initially drawn to nihilism, but I never got very into it. I do have trust issues though and present myself as unavailable emotionally so as to not get hurt by others.
* derisive, fatalistic, only envisions (and believes in) negative/empty outcomes
Again, I was briefly considering nihilism. I do notice myself contemplating whether the world is unsalvageable sometimes, but I usually don’t believe it for very long.
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Based on the dominant function alone, I'm comfortable ruling out ESTP. There is very little in this profile that leads me to believe you are extraverted, especially when ESTPs are generally the most extraverted of the extraverts. Thus, if I had to choose between these two types, I'd say ISTP is much more likely. However, I can't say that I'm able to rule out every other type, which means I can't say that ISTP is certain.
There are concerning holes in the profile. You've brought up some red-flag issues such as "insecurity", "depression", "fear of rejection", "scared", etc. You're going to have to provide much more detailed descriptions, timelines, and explanations regarding potential causes/sources of these issues. I need to figure out the degree to which these issues are/aren't related to function development.
If you're simply hesitant to speak about private mental health struggles, that's fine, as it's entirely your choice how much to divulge. But if you lack the self-awareness to explain why you struggle, then you'll have to dig deeper. Whatever the case may be, I do require somewhat deeper self-insight from you in order to complete my analysis.
Hello, follower for the last 10 years, enfp, around 4th level of ego development, my field (medicine) requires alot of attention to detail in studying, this becomes deeply stressful for me, I understand this is because of my Ne desire and I have been going to therapy for my avoidance/escapism(unhealthy Ne which has is better no and also to develop my self awarness and Fi, right now, I have 2 ways to accept the stress and keep moving forward, breathing exercises and acknowledgement, any advice ?
Yes, accept that this is what you signed up for. To become a medical professional isn't easy. The workloads are heavy and there's a lot of information to memorize. Every detail is important to reaching your final goal, so you need to view each detail positively, as an essential step for "progress", rather than as a "nuisance" to get done with. In other words, be fully present to immerse yourself in the journey and witness yourself grow with each step.
The more extensive the mental library you build now, the smarter you'll get and the better equipped you'll be to make the most beneficial judgments and decisions in your future job. It's not a burden but an investment in your future capability to contribute to your field. Remember that a positive outlook and a strong sense of purpose count for a lot in transforming mundane tasks into meaningful work.
Another thing you can do is always have a good system for tackling every task/project/job. This is related to Te+Si development. Constantly tweak your work habits so that you follow the most effective learning procedures and adopt the most efficient study methods. A teacher or tutor should be able to give you some tips about this.
Anon wrote: Hi mbtinotes, First and foremost, I want to wish you a peaceful, healthy, and happy life. I’ve been browsing the internet for years and have known about MBTI for quite some time, but it wasn't until I found your blog that I was convinced it’s actually a well-grounded theory built on logical foundations. From that moment on, finding my personality type felt truly meaningful and worth researching. Thank you.
Through extensive research, seeking out feedback, and looking for tangible evidence—just as you outline in your guide—I’ve concluded that my personality type is INTJ. I am 22 years old. However, there are a few questions weighing on my mind that I wanted to consult you about.
1) Ever since childhood, I’ve struggled with what is known as Maladaptive Daydreaming (MD). I don't even remember or know when it started. All of my siblings share this tendency as well; I'm not sure how much scientific research supports this, but it honestly feels genetic. That being said, I don't want to make an ignorant assumption—it's just my own observation.
On your blog, MD is naturally often linked to the Ne function, though I’m not entirely sure if we are using the term in the exact same sense. In my experience, it's triggered by music, and involves walking around or making various facial expressions while immersing myself in scenarios where I am cool, successful, or admired. I can’t believe I’m actually admitting this to someone. As a child, I hated this about myself out of fear that people would think I was losing my mind, so I kept it strictly under wraps. Even now, I don’t share it with anyone outside my family. Yet, at the end of the day, I always find myself right back there—lost in a daydream where I am incredibly successful and deeply admired.
Do you think this is normal or common for an INTJ? Could I be mistyped because of this? Other than this specific behavior, I have virtually no tangible evidence of using Ne, nor do I suspect I have it in any other way. In fact, I generally find high Ne users a bit flighty and overwhelming.
2) Right now, I am not in a financial position to afford therapy or professional support. How do you suggest I cope with this? I suspect that developing my Te and engaging more with the real world might help alleviate it, but it has become such a deeply ingrained habit, and I’ve had it for so long, that a part of me is actually afraid to let it go. I have never known a life without MD, and I honestly don’t know if I can ever find the intense rush of achievement in the real world that I get from these imaginary rewards. This is compounded by the fact that I also struggle with loneliness and lack the kind of friends I truly wish to have.
To be fair, I've always been a high achiever and have consistently received academic praise, so I wouldn’t say my life is a failure. Yet, this is something else entirely. On one hand, I feel terrible, viewing myself as a loser, a coward, or an addict. On the other hand, I just can't seem to give up the fake dopamine hits I get from these artificial scenarios. I think what scares me most is that I can't clearly see the long-term damage this might be causing me.
Thank you in advance. Take good care of yourself.
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With regard to mistyping, I can't really comment on that unless you submit a proper type assessment. What I can say is that maladaptive daydreaming (MD) does not preclude Ni/INTJ. MD is not Ne-related nor causally linked specifically to Ne. MD is its own issue and the Intuitive function, whether Ne or Ni, is merely a vehicle through which it gets expressed. In other words, MD isn't really about N but about some deeper psychological issue at play.
It is very likely that two people talking about MD aren't talking about the exact same thing because MD is not an official psychological diagnosis. As far as I know, there is no general consensus about its etiology, distinguishing characteristics, or best treatment practices. Although most psychologists would agree that MD can be a real problem, it isn't well-understood or well-researched on its own.
I'd say that, in many cases, MD is merely a symptom, so targeting MD alone isn't likely to work as long as you're not grasping what the root causes are. There's some promising research that explores MD not as fantasy-based but as a compulsion, perhaps linked to disorders such as anxiety, OCD, or addiction. The way you've described how you're unable to quit MD is actually supportive of the notion that it could be a kind of addictive behavioral pattern.
The longer an addiction is left to fester, the more it starts to distort the mind and interfere with rational thought. Addiction makes people more short-sighted, more focused on immediate gratification at the expense of long-term goals. As a result, they become worse and worse at weighing pros/cons, benefits/costs, or rewards/punishments.
Essentially, it becomes easier and easier to convince oneself that the fake reward is all that matters and that real negative consequences don't matter. Is this the path you're on? You'll have to do some honest self-reflection. A stronger and stronger preference for fantasy will eventually make you unable to be fully present in reality, won't it? Can you envision how this problem could escalate into something serious?
The point you raised at the end is important because you're talking about the fine line between "normal" vs "abnormal" behavior. At what point does daydreaming go from harmless to harmful? Generally speaking, psychologists tend to measure disordered behavior based on how disruptive it is to a person's daily functioning. If a behavior doesn't interfere with your life in any practical way, then perhaps it's not a "pathology" that you need to worry about.
However, keep in mind that people can often be in deep denial about how harmful addictive behavior is, or maintain a state of willful ignorance about negative consequences. You haven't provided enough information to determine whether your case has reached the level of a disorder that requires intervention. But the fact that it bothers you should be enough reason for closer examination.
Taking my psych major hat off and speaking from the cases I've encountered, I'd describe MD as a coping mechanism. Coping mechanisms are mental strategies people use for managing stress. Of course, some coping strategies are healthier than others. A good coping strategy acknowledges and addresses the problem properly.
If I'm right about MD as a coping mechanism, the key question for self-reflection would be something like: "What is MD helping me cope with?" The answer will differ by individual. There could be a variety of stressors that contribute to the formation of chronic MD, for example:
unresolved trauma
recurring negative emotions
low self-esteem/self-worth
general unhappiness
boredom, restlessness, or ennui
lack of fulfilling activity
lack of connection
lack of community
experiencing prejudice/discrimination
dealing with adverse life conditions
lack of opportunity
multiple failures
thwarted goals
chronic fatigue or burnout
As you can see, the way to address MD would look very different depending on what the underlying issue is. Someone with low self-esteem would have to work on their self-confidence. Someone with poor work-life balance would have to take a long hard look at their priorities. Someone who is existentially unfulfilled would have to look for more meaningful ways to spend their time.
You mentioned loneliness, which is significant because it is a plague of modern times. Loneliness is a universal emotion that results from not having enough social connection and belonging. There is really only one proper way to resolve the problem of loneliness, right? Get out into the world and build the meaningful human connections you need.
Is this related to type development? Are you being faced with a choice between Ni dysfunction (+ Fi loop self-indulgence) vs Te corrective measures? This could be about underdeveloped Te insofar as Te should be quick to identify a problem as well as quick to implement the most rational solution to it.
For example, if the underlying problem is loneliness, is MD the best solution? I don't think so. In fact, it is self-sabotaging because your relationships won't get far if you can't be fully present in them.
Anon wrote: Hiii mbti notes, I hope you're doing well! Could you maybe help me type Alysa Liu?
Alysa Lius is a 20 year old American figure skater and olympic golf medalist. She has clear Fi and Te. Although I cannot tell if she is an ExFP, or IxFP type, or which one exactly. Mainly people think she's an ENFP or ESFP.
I was debating her type with my friend and she also thinks she's an ENFP, but I can't help to think that she's an xSFP, but neither of us is 100% sure either.
I do agree with the fact that her takes and her longer talks are usually not as based on the concrete and real, but she bases her takes more on her values and the subjective realizations they led her to, rather then hope or fascination of possibilities she found in the environment. I'd say she's an ISFP with very healthy tertiary Ni and a great work ethic, mainly due to how she clarifies that she's very passionate about figure skating.
[I think you're too quick to reject the counter-evidence here. Things like "not based on the concrete and real" and a tendency to generate or value "realizations" or epiphanies strongly imply N.]
But what makes me doubt if she’s an ISFP is because she has previously stated how she spent a lot of her life doing what others expected her to. And that's not a usual place where a dominant Fi user would find themselves in, especially how she says "most of her life" so it wasn't a short term situation.
[Correct. This is more true/common of ENFP than ISFP.]
I still can't quite place exactly why she felt a need to do so, but I think it might stem from a tertiary or inferior Te function. Where she sought external validation when she was younger, maybe because she wasn't as capable or as confident in her own Fi expression. Whereas now we see her expressing herself, at least it's what it seems as we cant really ever know for certain.
[This starts to sound like you're twisting things to try to make the type fit, which is usually a sign of being on the wrong track.]
I cannot quite place the source of her happiness, whether it is achieved primarily through Se experiencing of powerful sensations or Fi expression through her sport of choice and style and honesty to her values.
[In healthy individuals, the source of happiness ought to come from both the dominant and auxiliary combined. It is only unhealthy individuals that believe it has to be either/or.]
But I am quite certain of her use of Fi, Se, Ni and a previously unhealthy use of Te.
But I don't think the issue she had with Te was tertiary, from what she said of spending most of her life doing what others expected her to, and the way she expresses how important it is to express herself and follow her values it does seem like someone who was, like you stated in the section of loss of normal and healthy dominant Fi functioning:
I feel as though who I am is a liability.
I am unable to see any of my positive qualities.
I am too weak/negative to get my life together.
And then, today, through this she learned the importance of Fi expression, and how that was her guide in a way. Through reconnecting with her Fi, she found a new appreciation for figure skating as an expression of it through Se. In this she found a healthy use of Ni, which we can hear in her takes on life.
[I would say this actually points more to auxiliary Fi and tertiary Te. It sounds like she "discovered" the true power of Fi (through development) rather than "reconnected" with it. You have not provided sufficient evidence that Fi was very present at the beginning of life and was then "lost" via inferior grip. To lose the dominant function for many years would be extremely abnormal and require proper explanation. It would also tend to manifest in very severe mental health issues that should be readily apparent.]
Previously, at 16 she no longer loved figure skating, and announced her retirement. I think this was the point she refers to when she says that she previously did what others expected of her. And that left her with a tainted Te view of what figure skating meant to her, perhaps through negative memories and feelings. [indicative of Te loop]
She then tried other things, but states how nothing felt as challenging as figure skating. So at 19, she went back to figure skating but through her Fi, and not Te. [indicative of breaking Te loop]
Some quotes from her are:
" Listen to your heart and your soul. You know what's best. And trust yourself."
This seems like a healthy use Fi and Ni. She seems like an extraverted perceiving dominant, but her Ni just seems far too present and positive in her life contrary to the possibility of tertiary Te.
[Fi yes. Not seeing Ni, though. Counter-point: I wouldn't say that platitudes akin to "listen to your heart" are necessarily Fi-related. Do you know which type I've heard this platitude from the most? ESFJ! The importance of being true to oneself is a common realization people come to as they grow into adulthood, i.e., it's a sign of becoming more independent. On its own, this is weak evidence of FP.]
"Everyone has to take their own path. But I will say taking a break and stepping back, getting a new perspective really helped me as a person. And helped me understand myself. I got to explore new areas, new hobbies, and interests, and that’s what life is all about. Trying new things and learning. And I think that everything, even my last skating career and the time I spent away from the sport and coming back to the sport…just, everything has led to that performance.”
This quote though, it makes it seem like an Ne perspective, and my friend used it to explain why she's an Ne dom.
[I agree with your friend. It's not just Ne but also Si, in building a coherent narrative of one's life from the past until today. Again, too quick to dismiss counter-evidence.]
But it took her a long time to realize that she could find a new perspective, it was something that didn't come naturally to her, she didn't feel challenged, realized that figure skating gave her that sensation, and then she realized that she could do it differently this time.
[Ne doesn't necessarily mean it's easy for someone to change their perspective; it only makes them more open to entertaining ideas. People can stubbornly hold to one perspective for all kinds of reasons, some unrelated to personality. Also, don't forget that Ne is only one function in the stack. Si can play an important role in limiting one's perspective depending on the person's ego issues and/or life circumstances. E.g. A person can't really expand their perspective even with Ne if they've been made to live in a bubble. Oftentimes, athletes who start their career very young essentially live in a bubble.]
“I love struggling, actually. It makes me feel alive.”
She very often states how struggling makes her feel alive, the intensity of it. This need for an intense sensation, so often expressed by her, it seems more like an Se-Fi expression.
[I would interpret this as healthy Te, not Se, and unlikely to be inferior position. It would be more supportive of Se+Te in ESFP than ISFP.]
“It was more than just work. It was experience. The last time I was skating, it was so rough. I genuinely cannot even begin to start on it. It took a lot to get to this point. And yes psychology and school really did help.”
She doesn't really seem like someone who experiences the world through possibilities, or finds happiness in a sense of hope. But more through active experience and true sensation, from her Se and Fi interacting together in a sort of beautiful symphony I think. I think her insights come from an Se-Fi experience that led her to find a deeper truth in her life through healthy Ni, a guiding light in a new way to lead her action, a purpose and deep truth.
[I think you may be reading too much into this quote and perhaps attaching your own interpretation. Objectively, the quote is very vague. Being short on detail (which in itself may indicate N > S), I'm not seeing hard evidence of Se and Ni. When she uses the word "experience", it's also possible she means learning from accumulation of experience, as well as grounding oneself in experience, which would be Si, not Se.]
“Being grounded is really what keeps me. And I love exploring other hobbies. Doing side quests and what not. It keeps me curious.”
Again, this really seems like someone who loves the simple joys in life and human experience. It reminds me of the scene from the movie Soul where 22 was trying to learn what life was about and then finally realized that they were experiencing the joy of life in the simplest things.
[Again, too quick to dismiss evidence that suggests N. "Curious" is not generally used to characterize Sensors. This is not to say Sensors can't be curious, only that it's not a defining characteristic or something that helps them with type development to any great degree. It's possible that she learned how to use Ne in a more healthy and mature way, as opposed to an overly ambitious or perfectionistic way.]
I might be wrong of course, but I think she is an xSFP. Please correct me if I'm wrong and if you have time I'd love to hear your thought process on her actual type.
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Everything I know about her is what you've just told me, so I'm not sure how much help I can be. My comments above have pointed out some potential issues with your reasoning.
You've tried your best to bring up great evidence but, unfortunately, I don't think it's sufficient to reach certainty. There just isn't enough detail about early dominant use and inferior grip (during her lowest points). These type development gaps in the timeline must be filled.
Most strikingly, there is scant evidence of Ni, especially when put in contrast with the evidence that suggests Ne. Ni should be more apparent for ISFP. Since the evidence also suggests that Te is unlikely to be inferior, I'm comfortable ruling out ISFP.
If I had to choose between ENFP and ESFP, I'd go with ENFP because the evidence for Ne is stronger than Se. However, given the gaps I mentioned, I wouldn't draw this conclusion with confidence. With the uncertainty about N and S functions, it's also still possible there's another type that fits even better than ENFP.
Anon wrote: Hello mbtinotes, I hope you’re doing well. I’d like to get some advice regarding my relationship with my INTJ girlfriend. This might get a bit long, so thank you in advance for your time and patience.
I’m a 28 year old ENTJ male. My sister, who is an INFJ, practically forced me to learn about MBTI and look at people through a different lens. After a while, I actually got into it myself and started reading your blog as a hobby. I don't check it all that often, but it has definitely found a place in my life. Plus, it finally helped us find some common ground regarding my emotional insensitivity, which she has been complaining about since our childhood.
Based on both the tests she took and the almost-uncomfortably thorough questioning my sister and I put her through, we typed my girlfriend of 8 months as an INTJ. That's what we’ve settled on, though it’s so hard to read her that I can't even be sure. Still, I love my girlfriend very much, and this is the longest relationship I’ve ever had, but something just feels off.
The first major issue I'm experiencing with her is that no matter how hard I try, I just cannot seem to get inside her head. What I mean by this is, whenever I ask her a question, she stares off into space and spends a long time thinking, only for very brief, simple, and dismissive answers to come out of her mouth. I just can't understand what the issue is with her being honest and open with me. Even though I’ve confronted her about this multiple times, she just looks away and says, "What can I even say?" Usually, when she’s sure she's right about something, she defends herself fiercely, but that doesn't apply to this situation. She acts strange. We met at work, and I originally noticed her because of her brilliant, original, and deeply logical ideas. On top of that, you should see how she speculates and has fun when she’s watching a movie with her own sister (I was in the back room and she thought I was asleep) she actually takes the time to talk and analyze things with her. When she watches something with me, she only rarely says, “It’s going to end like this.” or “He is the killer.” She's right, but that's not the point. Why is this communication not happening with me? When she acts like this, it makes me feel worthless and unwanted, which are feelings I’m really not used to. Usually, when she’s upset about something, she tells me. I honestly cannot figure out the reason behind this.
Another issue is that she is incredibly spiteful, stubborn, and self-absorbed. This might sound like the same problem, but for instance, when we were alone recently, she said of a colleague, "I really dislike that woman." When I asked why, she said, "She’s fake, everything she says sounds like a lie." When I pushed further and asked how she came to that conclusion, she dismissed me again, saying she either just felt it or just knew it. This is not enough for me. Also, she accused me of not trusting her. I have no intention of putting my mind and judgment in anyone’s hands, and what does that have to do with trust? So, I asked, "Do you actually have any concrete proof?" At that point, she got aggressive and said, "What kind of proof do you expect for something like this? Should I cut her open and show you her heart? There's something off about her, and if you don't mind, I’d like to keep thinking that way.”
These examples could go on and on. They might be small things, but they really bother me. The most frustrating part is how she avoids explaining things and isn't as confrontational or open as I'd like. Telling her directly about my discomfort doesn't work, are there other ways I can communicate this to her? Interestingly, she is actually more polite and harmonious with other people, like my sibling and her own sibling.
Thank you.
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You seem to be describing emotional unavailability. It's a serious red flag in relationships. If a person recognizes the problem and is motivated to improve, then there may be a chance for you to participate in that growth, as part of building intimacy in the relationship. However, there's not much you can do to open someone up when they are determined to remained closed up.
What you need to understand is that emotional unavailability is not about you or what you have/haven't done. It's not a reflection of your value, worth, or quality as a partner. It sounds like you have done what you should've in raising the issue and expressing yourself. But you can't force someone to confront an issue that they simply don't want to confront.
Assuming that the types assigned are correct, what your interactions seem to suggest in a nutshell is that your Te tends to bother her because hers is underdeveloped. If she is also prone to Fi loop, it makes her doubly resistant to developing Te and that much more irritated with being constantly reminded of the problem. In case it needs to be said, her development issues are not your problem to solve.
Generally speaking, when the auxiliary function remains underdeveloped in adulthood, it coincides with being stuck at lower levels of ego development as well. People at lower levels of ego development have fragile egos and don't like the feeling of being challenged. Challenges are perceived as a threat to ego stability, and ego stability is necessary for stable mental health.
Such individuals tend to only open up to those they perceive as non-threatening or "inferior" to themselves because it allows them to feel completely in control of the relationship. This means they will tend to be closed off to people they perceive as being "challenging" or "better" than them (at the things they take pride in). If you get branded as "challenging" by them, it means you are "unsafe" to open up to.
For instance, Ni doms tend to take pride in being "insightful" through making Ni-related connections and predictions. When you step up with your Te and ask for empirical evidence of their intuitions but no such evidence exists (because they don't value Te as much as you do), immature Ni doms will unconsciously take this as a challenge to their identity.
As you have experienced, being put in a position of vulnerability against your will, of having to question your own value or worth, isn't something anyone enjoys. Threats to the ego are painful. This is not to say you are the one inflicting pain, though. Again, you are not responsible for other people's development issues.
The qualities you were initially drawn to in her are fine qualities indeed. However, you might've been blind to the fact that those qualities are not particularly relevant to building a successful romantic relationship. People need to learn specific knowledge and skills to make a romantic relationship run smoothly. She doesn't sound very relationship-ready.
To address a problem effectively, the first step is to face facts. After pressing her, it's become obvious she's not willing to change. If that's the case, you'll have to do some self-reflection and determine whether this is a status quo you can live with. If it is, make peace with who she is and accept her as is. If not, this suffering is likely to recur until such time you decide you want better for yourself.
To @lifescrewsmeoversoletsrelate, I don't know why you deactivated your account before I had a chance to reply to your message. I hope things are still going well for you. And if they aren't, I hope you are more knowledgeable now and can get yourself back on a good track more quickly than before.
You said you were struggling with procrastination and was wondering whether focusing on Ni development would help. You also said you weren't sure about the root cause, which unfortunately makes it difficult for me to suggest the best solution.
Being disciplined isn't easy, even for the most disciplined people. What does it mean to be "disciplined"? Oftentimes, it means doing what needs to be done for the sake of a greater goal, as opposed to doing what you want to do in the moment. In this sense, Ni development may help as it makes you more future-oriented. However, the fact is nobody can go against their wants/desires continuously and not struggle with inner tension and conflict. You're not a robot.
Yes, there are people who are good at ignoring inner conflict, as you mentioned with your ESTJ friend. But you are not one of those people. You aren't Te dom and never will be. This is something you must accept so that you don't judge yourself unfairly by Te dom standards. Don't forget that ESTJs bring a whole other set of problems upon themselves by working themselves to the bone.
For Fs, the key to being disciplined often lies in finding a personalized work-life balance. I understand your fear about being too lax, since it means you might not realize your aspirations. However, the same is true about being too stringent. Being too strict with oneself is a common way Fs sabotage their own success, with perfectionism being one possible manifestation.
Remember that the more you try to deny or bottle up your wants and desires, the more they will eventually rise up to control you (via Se grip). Having healthy and mature Ni means understanding that everyone has their own path and they must travel it at their own pace.
This relates to emotional intelligence insofar as you have some lessons to learn about self-compassion. Self-compassion isn't about being lax or indulgent but about:
accepting your humanity
being forgiving of human error
listening to feelings that indicate you've made poor decisions
understanding your strengths and weaknesses
respecting your limits and limitations
Being human, you can only work for so long before you need to rest and recuperate and recharge your energy. When your schedule doesn't allow enough time for rest and play, it becomes harder and harder to stay on track with work.
Taking time to care for your mental health is essential for being at your best. Being in an optimal state of mind to work doesn't just happen magically. It is a state of mind that must be nurtured and cultivated by delicately balancing ALL the important things in life that need attending to. Procrastination often means you're neglecting something important, so take it as a warning to pay better attention to it.
