I remember when we were younger,
We used to watch horrible things; videos of people killing themselves
And that one film with the main character ending it all and leaving his best friend wondering why she wasn’t enough to stop him.
And you didn’t understand why people could ever want to end their lives.
But I wanted to die
And I thought those people were beautiful.
I thought the woman putting the gun to her head was beautiful,
And the boy drowning himself in pharmaceuticals was beautiful.
I was a typical literature student, a typical poet,
I had to romanticise everything, and I found a way to make everything beautiful.
And you didn’t understand why people could ever want to end their lives, no matter how glamorous or attractive I made it appear.
And here we are now, more than a few years down the line,
Though we don’t talk, you’ve begun to understand, and honestly I’m more suicidal than I’ve ever been.
To me it isn’t a pretty concept anymore,not now you understand, and not now that I’m past the point of a simple love affair with death.
This is a toxic relationship that has devoured me, and is taking you with it as it’s next paramour.
I am too far gone to find any of those images beautiful anymore.
Death isn’t peaceful, or pretty, and he’s taught me he certainly isn’t the romantic type.
And now he’s just gripped you and I know you’d want to rewatch those films and those videos and read those stories, now that you understand.
But I need hope, I need something more than that.
I need to watch happiness in all it’s glory,
I need to watch lovers embracing like it’s their first, last and only chance
I need to watch people laugh, and enjoy being alive,
I need to see all of these truly beautiful things that life could once have offered me.
I want to see beauty in this world one last time, because I know I might not have much time left with it.
I need to witness the most amazing parts of life, things that keep people like you alive, before you end up like I am now bound to:
A story,
A film,
A video,
That people like us will watch
Because they think
I am beautiful