hiyas

She was brave and strong and broken all at once.

[inkandcigars]

So hi, hello. Paano ko ba sisimulan to? Ang tagal ko na rin hindi nagsulat dito pero takbuhan ko naman talaga to pag ang gulo na ng isip ko. Kamusta ba ko? Recently, i've been trying real hard to continue and function on a day to day basis. Pero legit pala talaga pag pagod kana sa life no? Nag fufunction ka pero at the end of the day, wala kang maramdaman. Gusto mo nalang tumulala sa kawalan. Na para bang pagod na pagod pero hindi na kayang sulusyunan ng kahit na anong pahinga.

Recenly, nag start na ako mag undergo ng psychological counselling and therapy. Since being diagnosed with MDD, feeling ko, na repress lang talaga yung mga nararamdaman ko. Pinilit kong wag intindihin hanggang sa kusa na nila akong nilamon. Alam niyo, kung wala siguro akong anak, nagpakalayo layo na ko. Iiwan ko na lahat, dun sa walang nakakakilala sakin, yung hindi ko kailangan mag function. Na wala akong obligasyon. Ang saya sana? Empty. Pero at least, hindi ko kailangan mag panggap na okay pa ako.

Na okay pa ako sa mundo na puro sakit nalang ata yung naramdaman ko. Always wearing my heart on my sleeves, always genuinely caring for others without expecting the same back. Is it really a blessing? Kasi kahit puro sakit yung naramdaman ko, alam ko, andami damiiiii kong pagmamahal na kaya kong ibigay kahit wala na akong matanggap pabalik. Blessing nga ba? Cause it feels more like a curse.

Gusto ko nalang din matutunan na kahit na ganon yung mundo, na kahit na ganon yung ibang tao, hindi sana yon maging dahilan para magbago yung puso ko. Eh ano kung masaktan ako? Eh ano kung hindi ko man matanggap pabalik yung pagmamahal na hinahanap ko. At least naiparamdam ko kung gaano kabuti yung puso ko. Hindi ba? Pero hindi naman talaga ganon kadali lahat. Mauubos at mauubos at mauubos nalang hanggang sa wala ka nang maibigay.

Minsan napapatanong nalang ako, mahirap ba talaga kong tao? Mahirap ba talagang mahalin ang kagaya ko? Kasi bakit sinasabi nilang oo pero andali dali kong bitawan? Kahit anong laban, pagiintindi, at pagtitiis, bakit ang dali dali kong iwan? Bakit ang daling hindi nalang ako ipaglaban?

Siguro nga, I am not meant to be hold. Baka masyado na akong damaged to fill other people. Maybe I should stop hoping and looking for a place in other's lives. Maybe I am just really meant to be alone.

[inkandcigars]

Knowing all my fears and still decided to hurt me anyway. I'm never opening up myself to someone like that again, ever.

[inkandcigars]

I'm married, you guys 🥰

[inkandcigars]

Akala ko okay na ko. Akala ko hindi na ko nasasaktan. Akala ko wala na kong pakielam. Akala ko, sapat na ang gumising araw-araw at patuloy na lumaban. Kahit sukang suka na sa mundo. Sukang suka na sa mga paghihirap na hindi ko naman ginusto. Hirap na hirap hanapin angs sarili sa mundo. Pero mali. Mali pala ako. Isang salita, isang haplos, isang panibagong pakikitungo, bumabalik at bumabalik ako sa simula.

Sa simula na takot makipag-usap sa iba. Sa simula na kada salitang binibigkas, humihikbi, nasasaktan, na para bang pagod na pagod kahit hindi umiimik. Na bigat na bigat sa lahat ng dalahing hindi na kaya pang buhatin na kahit anong pilit, bumabalik sa mg araw na ang tanging nagagawa na lamang ay humiga. Humiling na sana matapos na lahat. Umiyak.

Akala ko okay na ko. Akala ko kaya ko na. Akala ko kaya ko na harapin ang mundo na may ngiti, na kaya ko nang harapin ang lahat na alam ang halaga ko at hindi na magpapaapi pa sa mundong ang tanging dala lamang ang sakit. Akala ko okay na ako. Pero bumabalik ako sa panahong, ni oras ay hindi alam. Ni mga kaibigan ay hindi alam ang nararamdaman. Na kahit pamilya ay hindi malapitan.

Akala ko okay na ko. Akala ko lang pala lahat.

[inkandcigars]

The moment I feel na hindi na ako likable, or when I noticed that even the slightest change of how they treat me, talk to me and what not, there's no second thinking from me and will automatically dissociate myself from them to avoid getting hurt.

I mean, with my series of removing friends from facebook to removing people entirely from my life, ano bang mali sakin bat takot na takot ako maiwan at masaktan? It's like I'd rather be alone than work things out. I'd rather lose people than try to even ask what is happening or what is wrong. Basta lang the moment na na-feel kong I am not needed anymore, I'm done. Like yes, kesa masaktan pa ako na hindi na ako kailangan. Kesa masaktan pa ako na mafeel na ayaw na nila sakin. Kesa masaktan pa akong hindi na ako treated like they used to, aalis na lang ako without saying anything. Like yes, goodbye you.

[inkandcigars]

TW// depression and anxiety

For someone dealing with a mental illness for so long, being lonely most of the time isn't really a shocking news anymore.

So hi. These past few days, I have been trying real hard to get back on track but still, nothing seems to be going my way. I guess, this is really what happens when you keep trying to stay lively, keep on fighting all the shit out of you but loneliness is creeping back in, asking you to come back, like it's your home. And it sucks. It is a disease and can sometimes be addicting. Cause sometimes, it feels better feeling lonely than none. And it hurts that these are the only options left so could know that I am still alive.

All those nights I can't sleep thinking why I wasn't enough. All those thoughts why I feel like I am stuck in the same place at the same time. All those memories I couldn't ever bring back like they're just gone. All those friends I have decided to just cut ties. All those plans I want that I could never have in my life. All those disappointments why I couldn't just live and forget.

The sleepless nights. The hand and feet twitching. The hair pulling. The nonstop and even anywhere or anytime crying. The heart that keeps aching it fucking breaks, don't just tell me it is that easy. Cause I think it will never be. But I am still not done trying. I guess? Or am I really close to my limit?

[inkandcigars]

Weekend.

[inkandcigars]

Yung hindi mo na alam saan ka pupunta, and you've got nowhere else to go. Yung hindi mo na mahanap yung dahilan to continue.

Di ko alam where or when it started pero alam niyo, along the way, I just started to lose myself. And every day na lumilipas, I keep losing her more.

I am just this soul. Drained. Hungry for emotions. Desperately searching for happiness. But no matter what I do, I just feel so, so, empty inside. Bursting it all out doesn't even help now.

[inkandcigars]

Always wanted to do a photoshoot for my birthday so, I did it this year.

Di na ako makapag wait for June 5 so i posted it here na 🤣

[inkandcigars]

Thoughts on "To love is to endure pain"

I don’t think that loving kasi should cause pain neither should you endure it. if you are beating yourself up physically, emotionally and mentally, that is not love and also, you will not benefit something from it. Only pain. (and life lessons, btw) Cause love is supposed to be hard (not painful), heck it will not always be easy. It will require a lot of patience, and courage, and strength to get through the end game but still, it is easy going in a way that even it is rocky, the shore will always be at peace. Cause you know it is worth it. :)

[inkandcigars]

Hilu

[inkandcigars]

Siz got some free time today, so.

[inkandcigars]

Naligaw ako sa blog mo. Hihi. Gusto ko lang malaman mo, na naiintindihan ko lahat ng mga pinagdadaanan mo. Stay strong girl! And always pray. Salamat at dahil sa blog mo, alam kung di ako nag iisa na nakakaramdam neto.

The sentiments of those under the twenties category hehehe kaya natin yan. :)

[inkandcigars]

2019, i was diagnosed with depression. Turns out, it was chronic. Started waaaay earlier.

2020, had my lapses. Prescribed with antidepressants for months.

2021, even if life still seems to be unbearable at times, i will not let my monsters win this time.

[inkandcigars]

Hello! I really like your blog. I can relate to some.

Hi there, thank you so much 🙂

[inkandcigars]

Taiwan in snaps. 
One thing I like being in Taiwan? Aside from the cold weather when we came (January siya day), nakapag OOTD ako lols. I just really have a thing for coats but since PH doesn’t do winter things, I enjoyed every moment while in Taiwan. 
So we arrived in Taiwan airport at 1AM and since cabs were not available at the time + our trip will start at 6AM, my friends decided to just wait at the airport. I remembered waking up tho not knowing nakatulog na pala ako while waiting lol. Just imagine a group of people sitting at the side (kasi sa totoo lang ang konti ng chairs available haha) sleeping… Pero we noticed naman that a lot of tourists do that also kaya di na nakakahiya haha. 
Anyway, it was raining on our first day + cold weather pa that when we got out of the airport, sobrang lamig to the point na napaworry ako if kakayanin ng mga dala kong damit yung lamig. Kasi even with wearing long sleeves and pants + the coat, malamig pa rin. Thankfully on our 2nd day up to last, it wasn’t raining anymore so it somehow helped. But still, when we were at the famous Jiufen Old Street, we bought gloves and leggings to wear inside our pants dahil sa lamig HAHAH. 
I enjoyed the tour naman but what I like most is when we explored the city at night like we went to several night markets para dun kumain and just look around. We noticed lang na parang late mag simula ang araw in Taiwan since on our last day, 11AM na kami nakalabas pero most shops were still closed. Naalala ko pa how we searched every convenience store for rice kasi wala talagang kanin sa fast food chains HAHAHAHA. Anyway, sobrang nakakahappy lang going to a different country and experience living there even just for a while. Marerealize mo talaga that there is more to see and it makes me excited. Kaya this is really one of the reasons why I like to pursue higher. Gusto ko talagang mag travel pa. It’s like medicine to my damaged soul. lol. Okibay

[inkandcigars]

Masyado pa akong maraming gustong puntahang lugar para sabihing pagod na akong mabuhay. Masyado pa akong gustong maranasan at maabot, para sabihing pagod na akong umasa sa magandang kinabukasan. Masyado pa akong maraming plano para sabihing ayoko na. Kasi kaya ko pa.

At kahit ang hirap hirap paminsan bumangon sa umaga, kakayanin ko pa. Kakayanin ko ng paulit-ulit. Hanggang lungkot na ang kusang magsawa sakin.