Pieces Of Who He Is

moving forward;

[inkmadeoftears]

Boy was I so, so wrong.

[inkmadeoftears]

Looking back now, I have always poured my heart out.

All of it.

Maybe, its my fault. Maybe I just dont deserve it.

A divine retribution for what ever.

Maybe.

I pour and I pour. I guess it was never asked of me.

I just happen to.

[inkmadeoftears]

are you still hung up over an ex though?

you seem very so in your recent confessional posts..

Does it?

No, that is not the case.

[inkmadeoftears]

Are you talking about an ex here?

https://www.tumblr.com/inkmadeoftears/811308288499204096/i-spoke-about-you-so-often-that-people-felt-like?source=share

It seems like you really love her

No, it wasnt. Thats not my piece also. Theres a copyright at the bottom.

Nonetheless, it wasnt an ex thats on my mind when I took it.

[qlae]

sometimes i want to talk to someone about everything going on in my head, the small things, the heavy things, the things that don’t even have clear words yet. i want to be heard, or even just be in conversation where i don’t have to hold everything alone for a while

but right before i reach out, there’s always this quiet hesitation. the feeling that maybe i’ve already said too much before. that maybe i’ll become repetitive, or heavy, or something people have to make space for when they’re already tired of making space

so i don’t send the message. i close the app. i tell myself it’s fine, i’ll handle it, i always do

and i do but not always in the way that feels like relief

it’s strange how wanting connection can sit right next to the fear of being a burden. and how often the fear wins even when all you really needed was a simple “are you okay” from someone who actually stays for the answer

[inkmadeoftears]

Last night, I got to speak with friends about how life weighs me down. how the light from the sun only blinds me. no warmth; hope for a new beginning. how i couldnt find my way through the darkest of my days. and my greatest fear be painting itself so crystal clear. glasses of beer moments of silence, laughters and tears music and singing and in the middle of it all came you. yes, your name once again from my mind and my heart made its way into my lungs and just like the very air that keeps me alive with my voice that i barely hear nowadays it escaped my lips. almost abruptly. almost unintentionally. almost. then i realized i already knew that i only wanted to speak about you. how i wrote about you. To you. For you. everyday. everyone noticed. i can see it in their eyes i could feel it. my voice has changed. it may have raised a pitched or knocked down a notch i dont know. but it changed. and for a moment it felt like im talking about all the things that matter; mattered. till one of them asked me who you were. he said it sounds like you had already left. in my mind i laughed. she never came. but maybe, maybe thats true. maybe you did. Last night, i got to speak with friends. about the things that mattered and how the lives that i want are not mine to live.

[inkmadeoftears]

Mamamatay akong nakangiti Kapag Ikaw ang nasa aking tabi Mabubuhay akong nagsisisi Kapag 'sang araw hindi Kita mapangiti Kalapastangan ang 'di Ka ibigin Kalokohan ang 'di Ka isipin Kung ang mundo ay biglang gugunawin Ikaw ang una kong hahanapin

[inkmadeoftears]

If I find my way through the darkest of days, will I laugh about the things that kept me awake?

[inkmadeoftears]

Heaven knows how bitter I am.

[inkmadeoftears]

Of course. Again

[inkmadeoftears]

Trip down memory lane.

[inkmadeoftears]

I spoke about you so often that people felt like they already knew you. Your name kept appearing in my stories, in small moments, in the way I described what mattered to me. Everyone saw it. Everyone noticed how my voice changed when I mentioned you. And the painful part is— everyone knew how much I loved you. Everyone… except you. - - - - - - - - 03152026

(C) Sir Mikee.

[inkmadeoftears]

And its really sad hearing myself tell my friends about you as if you had already left.

[inkmadeoftears]

No, it wont.

[inkmadeoftears]

I even wrote to you.

Almost everyday. I tell stories as if youre right there beside me. Hell, i wouldve settled with you being on the other end of the line.

I wrote to you, for you and about you.

And I abandoned writing for a long time but what else could I do? I still believe this is the best part of who I am or at least whatever's left of me. But I know, words are fragile. Futile. I know.

So what can I do but keep all these albeit said in these pieces of paper, you will never know nor hear the things I wanted to say.

I dont even need you to listen. I dont even need you to react or respond or anything else in between. I know you dont need these.

After all, it almost feels like a sin. Even thinking of you felt just like that. Yeah, it sucks. I feel relieved and hopeless at the same time. In the end, no matter how far Ive become, it wont work out, will it?

[inkmadeoftears]

In the end, I guess i dont deserve it. Im sure its just me and the other dont even think about the things I think I lack.

But ofcourse, it didnt work out. Why would it.

[inkmadeoftears]

Ofcours, it is used against me, again.