Ink Stained Wrists

An outlet for an amateur writer in her late twenties living in the south.

[inkstainedwrists]

Illustration by Yaoyao Ma Van As

first of the year

our cellphones on the nightstand

pulsate against the surface

the hum of well wishes and jamboree

frigid sounds of social living

in a contemporary world

i am awake,

finally awake

stepping out to greet the morning

the brisk san francisco cold

chilling the warmth our love left on my skin

under the moon from the night past

a theft i resent

thoughtful stroll

full of passersby

unfamiliar neighbors with familiar dogs that greet mine

closing in on the distance their handlers create

a hint of our big city life

leisure steps making mental plans

shedding last year’s regrets

like old skin

metamorphosis

[inkstainedwrists]

February 29, 2020

Today, I received a beautiful unexpected message from J with a picture of the Atlantic Ocean. He is in the North East this week. This is what it said:

“It was the first time I had ever seen the Atlantic Ocean with my own eyes. It was really beautiful and it made me think of you. I started thinking of how I feel when I look into your eyes. Then I began to feel grateful, knowing that soon we can share these experiences together. I cannot wait for you to be here. I hold you in my heart and think of you often.”

[inkstainedwrists]

February 16, 2020

We woke up early and tried a new place in town called The Breakfast Place. It was J’s idea. He really took initiative picking it out and dragging me out of the house. J and I can both get into this comfortable routine, where we end up going to the same places and doing the same activities over and over again. He’s a creature of habit, so I don’t think he minds it too much. Me, on the other hand, I get a little bored of the same pattern after a while. Before he came home, I told him I want to start exploring new restaurants and hobbies; I asked him if he wanted to do that with me. He said yes, yet somehow I am a little taken aback by much he has really been following through with that. I don’t give him enough credit for how hard he tries for me. I should really tell him more often how much I appreciate him.

I was supposed to clean today because the house is a disaster (courtesy of Hurricane Jonathan). However, it’s so hard to waste time cleaning when I have only 24 hours left before J goes back on the road. It’s like that feeling you get on Sunday when you can feel the impending end of the weekend looming over you. I am already sad and he’s not even gone yet. I just want to give him whatever he wants today. He said he wanted to cuddle and watch movies. So we did. We watched Ford vs. Ferrarri and Black and Blue. They were both so freaking good! We ordered Tex Mex from Gringos, which is one of our favorites. It was actually a really relaxing night in and we both needed it after a busy weekend of hustle and bustle. I told J we don’t need to do so much when he’s home and that we can just hang out, but he said not a chance. He doesn’t like missing a month’s worth of date nights with me, so he tries to squeeze them all in during our little weekends. I love him for that. 

[inkstainedwrists]

February 15, 2020

This morning J took shopping and out for breakfast at Cracker Barrel (my favorite). I am not even mad at how much money we spent at the store because we got him those Retro Wrangler jeans that make his ass look great. Haha. He also got me a cute little outfit. I think he's trying to turn me into his little country girl. Haha. The only downside of today was those dang withdrawals he's been having. He was so irritable with strangers and on the road. I was really starting to lose my patience with him. Eventually we both caved on the whole quitting tobacco thing. Not too proud about that, but the impact packing a lip had on his mood was unbelievable. He was a dream for the rest of the day. I am not super innocent either. I honestly missed vaping. It's not even the vaping itself, it's just the habit of doing something with my hands. Maybe we will have better luck quitting next time or maybe we will just have to live with our vices.

Tonight we had a group date night with my friends from college. We went to adult Laser Tag down in Houston at a place called Battlefront. My friend Bryan picked it out. He is an engineer at Chevron and he says they do a lot of team building events there. I can see why. It was a really fun night, although I am definitely starting to feel 30 creeping up on me because my knee hurts and I was having a hard time with some of the climbing. It's been giving me trouble for about a month now and I think I may have to go get it checked out. After Laser tag, we played some arcade games. That wasn't part of the plan but some kind stranger came up to us with a bag full of tokens and told us we could have it because he had to leave early. I forgot how much fun the arcade can be. It should come as no surprise, though, that I pretty much suck at all games. I lost at fooseball, hockey, and basketball. I'm lame. Haha. It's okay though, because it makes me happy seeing other people have fun.

We also tried a new place for dinner. The experience was not great though because the service was terrible. Luckily we had great company to distract from that fact. It was Cajun bar/restuarant. I ate crawfish and alligator. The latter was a first for me and I am happy to report it was pretty good. It kind of tastes like fatty chicken. I know everyone always says that but it really does! Anyway, today was one of the highs of my weekend. J always makes me feel really special when he’s home and when we are out together. He always holds my hand, and opens doors and pulls out chairs. He's always sneaking kisses and whispering sweet things to me. I feel like after all this time we are still in our honeymoon phase. I wonder when it will fade but I hope that it doesn't. I think that's just how we are together. As the years go by, I realize how lucky I am to have him. He so unique in the way he loves me and pours into me. I have never felt so cherished or cared for in a relationship. He makes me happy. https://www.instagram.com/p/B8uBZweD9m_/?igshid=z7df7dju7wzs

[inkstainedwrists]

February 14, 2020

Happy Valentine's Day!

J and I went out for sushi at the Sapporo’s down the street from the apartment. We actually did not eat alone, though. My good friend Jesus was a little depressed about some personal stuff, so we invited him out to dinner with us. It was a nice dinner, great food and great company. However, Valentine's Day was a little blah overall.

I spent most of the day studying and then taking a test. After that, the day was almost over so we decided it would be as good a time as any to get my nose pierced. In the evening (after dinner) J was a little irritable because he was suffering from tobacco withdrawals. He's been a little touch and go since he got home, and I am trying to be patient because I know it's temporary. However, it's hard for me to understand because the withdrawals aren't hitting me nearly as hard as they are him.

I also think part of why today felt like such a let down was because we were both bummed out about our plans falling through. J had a whole day planned out to go fishing in Lake Conroe but that didn't work out because I had a test for class. It's okay though because Valentine's Day is overrated anyway. Besides, it's hard to dwell on the negatives for too long with how wonderfuland attentive J has been towards me all weekend. https://www.instagram.com/p/B8riG8ojva5/?igshid=4lkaf3hrno2u

[inkstainedwrists]

A Caffeinated Writer

Artwork by YAOYAO MA VAN AS

A whistle sounds off from the stovetop,  and the aroma of coffee overwhelms me as I pour myself another espresso.  Caffeine is worth gold in my home,  so my clumsy hands are careful not to spill. spill like the stories trickling down from my fingers, late at night when I am overflowing,  covering white spaces with ink, a sweet release from the pressure they build up within me. 

I take a sip from my coffee  and trace my finger around a chestnut ring  it left behind on the parchment of my journal, courtesy of the crack on my favorite porcelain mug  that I am too apathetic to throw away.  So what if it drips sometimes? We have that in common.  Words seep out of my cracks,  dripping life unto blank pages,  over and over again adding to my collection. 

I amass words  the way some amass treasures.  They are my prized possessions. Stowed away like valuables in a safe  or money under the mattress.  Occasionally sharing their wealth with the ones I hold dear.  They aren’t worth much to most,  but they are priceless  to a sentimental fool like me who prefers the richness of  a good cup of coffee and the tales of a life well-lived. 

[inkstainedwrists]

the love he proposes

Artwork by Pascal Campion

Who am I to question my heart and soul? At times we may ask if our love is based on logic or emotion, we humans like to reason our way in and out of everything. But love is beyond reason, love does the impossible and forgives the worst of treasons, it celebrates in the simplest of triumphs, and it rejoices in the simple presence of the ones you adore. Love is what we crave, and it is my gift to you. An unconditional, no strings attached, all-I-am-is-yours, kind of love.

[inkstainedwrists]

writings from him

Artwork by Pascal Campion

I want to write you stories, and I want to sing you songs, to show you how full my heart is with you.  My woes and fears wash away  in the presence of you, my wife.  I drift away into another world  when you rest my head on your lap, running your fingers so lovingly through my hair.  I live and breathe for  the simple moments I spend with you, gasping for air when I am away. Living with you out of reach for any period of time feels like death is nigh,  but the moment we return to each other,  I feel the love we share  lift me into a place of happiness  anew each time like it never was before. Before I met you all I knew was loss,  all I knew was doubt, distrust, lying, cheating, and pain. But with the wave in your hair, the sweet taste of your lips, the power of your words, and the beauty in your eyes You, you washed away all the evil from my world, you gave me faith, you gave me the will to trust, you gave me something no object or person could ever replace. Your heart. No mountain is too high, no canyon too dangerous, no desert too hot, no blizzard too cold to keep my heart from beating for you. Your love is blood that flows through my veins, the way you laugh brings joy to my soul, and the way you cry tears down my walls. I have never felt this way before, but when I met you the pain washed away. I love you my angel, you have rescued me.

[inkstainedwrists]

a love letter from him

Artwork by Pascal Campion

It’s been a long road for me, I follow it daily hoping that at the end of it you will be there to greet me with your warm smile and ocean blue eyes. 

My job always takes me so far from home, but it is not the apartment I miss,  nor is it the comfort of our bed but the embrace of your lips against mine.

My arms feel like a barren fruit tree without you in them, my hands have lost purpose without having your fingers intertwined with mine. I like to think back to those days at the lake, when we’d relax in the warm sun with each other, whispering I love you softly into each other’s ears. The sun never kissed me as tender and sweet as you did.

I am blessed, not only in love but in friendship. I married a beautiful woman I love, but I also married my best friend, someone to laugh and cry with, someone I share my dreams and most intimate secrets with. I miss the way you look at me when I brush the hair away from your eyes. For better or worse I have loved you, in sickness and in health you have cherished me. I love you more than life itself, for what use is life to me if you are not in it. I swear to you on all I am, I will always try to be a better man. I say this from the bottom of my heart, I will never let my desire for you fade away. I am yours, and you are mine, that’s how it will stay, until the end of time.

[inkstainedwrists]

The Way He Loves Me

Artwork by Pascal Campion

“Do you know how much I love you? More than you can ever begin to fathom. I love you like the sunrise after a long dark night. I love you like the warmth of the sun kissing your skin to wash away the icy morning. I love you more than the feeling of a comfortable bed on a rainy day. ...I adore you.”

Words written to me by my husband on 02/02/2020. 

[inkstainedwrists]

Night Owl

Artwork by Yaoyao Ma Van As Half past five. I have never been known to be good at goodbye, perhaps that is why every day I struggle to part ways with the night. Some might say I am too comfortable in the embrace of the dark. I stay up to share secrets with the moon and stars. They have been intimate friends of mine for such a long time, Always I can count on their daily companionship.

[inkstainedwrists]

Origin Story

Artwork by Pascal Campion somewhere on an island in the middle of the Caribbean sea you will find three graves that tell the story of a broken family torn and devastated by civil war like the country they called home 

they were called “gusanos” “worms” is what it means the name for known rebels persecuted by men in uniform for not sharing their ideology uprooted like a palm tree  from the home and the farm they had built over decades  taken from them without pay repurposed by their adversaries for what they called  “a worthy cause”

commanded to assimilate or in chains face their fate but they chose neither instead managing to flee only able to take the clothes on their back  and what their hands could carry planting and replanting themselves over and over again until they finally found soil more free fifty years have come and gone now they live the American dream that family is my family my life is a product of their strife their experiences are my heritage their history is the beginning of my origin story

[inkstainedwrists]

I am up to my ears in unwritten words.

J.D. Salinger

[inkstainedwrists]

Natural Habitat

Artwork by Pascal Campion 

“You really do belong here” he said to me crooked grin on his face hazel eyes fixed on mine cheeks flushed from the sun glow on his skin from its light “it’s like your natural habitat” he continued where he left off his hands on my waist his forehead against mine my arms wrapped around his neck quietly treading water soaking in the moment the happiest we had felt in a while the first sunny day following a cloudy season seconds earlier  we were submerged underwater his lips on mine our fingers intertwined a moment of film like romance we rose up to the surface in laughter turns out it is harder than it seems kissing under the ocean the waves pull and push you the air in your lungs rise you back up but what a joy it is anyway to try it over and over again his realization interrupted our glee for a brief moment I felt seen in the way that only he  had ever seen me before after years of togetherness still I am surprised  by how much there is left  for us to discover of the world and of each other he had never before been out to the ocean with me he had never seen first hand the way that it made me be yet when he moved us across the country he found us a place that wasn't too far from the sea he knew just how much it would mean to me from childhood stories I told  of a girl who grew up by the water now all I wanted was to make new memories with the sweet boy holding me so I finally said back to him “I can’t wait to share it with you.”

[inkstainedwrists]

Memories

Artwork by Pascal Campion

You are the lead character in all my favorite memories. I keep our stories boxed away on the top shelf of my brain, in safe keep, just out of sight from all the clutter of the day to day. But not so far out of reach,  so that I might still always have their comfort on the occasional rainy day.

I can pull them out, blow the dust off of them, and just hit play. And for a while it still feels like it did before you went away. You are so ingrained into the pieces of my life I love the most. You see, I have never ever really been too good at goodbyes.  So I am still holding on to you but I don’t really know why. My grip around us tightens a little harder when I feel my memory of you slipping away. Perhaps I am terrified that if I let you fade into the past that my favorite parts of me will follow too because I found all of them with you.

[inkstainedwrists]

Poison

Artwork by Pascal Campion

I still remember that night and the way that you made me feel. The words that were said  cannot be unspoken. You broke something within me when their sound hit my ears, and their sting reached my heart.

Now they are a toxin inside of me, making me sick as I succumb to it. My body writhes in resistance trying to force it back out. Like a venom flowing its way up my esophagus, but it’s stuck in the back of my throat and I choke on it as I try to pry open my mouth. I fight to spit the words out like the poison they are to me. But I cannot seem to get it all out. and with each second that ticks by, it soaks in my insides a little longer pumping into my bloodstream, slowly intoxicating me.  Robbing me of myself as their delirium consumes me. 

The death that they bring, it won’t come quick. It will linger. It will hallow me out.  It will shrink and shrivel me.  It will destroy me quietly. But I think I always knew you were the kind of toxic that could kill me. 

[inkstainedwrists]

Between Love and Hate

Artwork by Pascal Campion

It is only a thin line or so they say that separates  love from hate.

You and I tread it lightly. Often crossing it over then back again. At times, we linger on it a little too long because the truth is, some days we are neither here nor there.