&

I write every now and then. If u know me personally and entered this blog either we're really close or you shouldn't be here

[inkstainsonanapkin]

I am filing a complaint

To the Arshentinian lands.

I am upset. And I think I am upset because being upset is always so much easier than being sad.

And I am tired of being sad. And you said that if you could have one wish, it would be for me to love you less. "just a little less", you said. Just so I wouldn't, maybe, look at the sky and now start to notice how the clouds move, and feel amazed by that. The way you described it sounded like it all made you feel imprisoned. Why do I have to think of you, or want to share with you all the beauty I see? "that doesn't happen to me," you said. "It hasn't happened, maybe, since I was -con mi mujer-". And you play me "like a violin", says that famous Rihanna song. And all I want is this majestic, harmonious chorus coming together, but I keep auditioning for these bands and orchestras and jazz collectives and metal-rejected musicians and blues melancholicals, and none of them want to take me. And then I talked until midnight one time with Stephon Alexander, because as an unfit in his own little bubble, and resembling this metaphor, it felt like he would get me... but once again, there was no understanding. Because he is not queer, he is not living in London, he didn't fall for an arshentinian, he didn't have the best "culeo" with the sonoran after the cantina near La Roma, he didn't love Ana, he didn't cry on his birthday lying down at some random hostel in Rio, he just doesn't get it.

Eyes wide open.

I then remember those fucking annoying (but so truthful) songs... "quiero sentirlo todo" "I won't wun from it", and lastly, and yes, most important:

"

Jugaste con fuego y ahora tienes una cicatriz Pero guarden bien tus manos el cariño Pero guarden bien tus manos la ilusión Porque siempre hay que pararse Desnudo frente a alguien y esperar Que todo caiga en su lugar

"

I fucking hate feeling. But I would not change it. So now I just have to be a fucking boring adult, make mature decisions, like keeping silly, shitty, stupid distance, and spend my birthday with the cohort. They're alright, I say to myself. It is fine. I got me, and that's pretty awesome, so after the boat party it will be cool to go back home with myself. There's this other poem that comes to mind, and comforts me; it goes:

"

Angélica Freitas Eu durmo comigo eu durmo comigo/ deitada de bruços eu durmo comigo/ virada pra direita eu durmo comigo/ eu durmo comigo abraçada comigo/ não há noite tão longa em que não durma comigo/como um trovador agarrado ao alaúde eu durmo comigo/ eu durmo comigo debaixo da noite estrelada/ eu durmo comigo enquanto os outros fazem aniversário/ eu durmo comigo às vezes de óculos/ e mesmo no escuro sei que estou dormindo comigo/ e quem quiser dormir comigo vai ter que dormir do lado.

"

This is it, hands busy holding my ice cream bar, made by a chicano living in LDN.

I'm done writing for today.

[inkstainsonanapkin]

“Her brain was so fractal, so combinatorial in the most beautiful enchanting way”

[inkstainsonanapkin]

eturn

Decidir conlleva partirse en pedacitos.

Uno parte de aquello que podría bien haber sido, de lo que le pudo haber sucedido. Y además, uno se parte en pedacitos fractales de nuevas — y constantemente regeneradas — versiones de si mismo y de su vida. Por eso nos aprisiona un laberinto cuando volvemos a un lugar que guarda versiones de uno que no son más de nuestro agrado. Ya no simpatizamos con los fantasmas que se quedaron vivos en la leyenda de aquel lugar que alguna vez habitamos. Y si uno voltea a mirarlos, el pasado le mira de regreso.

Y quieren nuestras madres que vistamos las ropas que alguna vez nos abrigaron. Y exigen nuestras tías que bebamos todo el té de canela que ellas saben — escúchalo bien, ellas saben — que nosotros bebemos y disfrutamos. A uno le da pena admitir que cambió el té por el café, o que Sudamérica trajo un nuevo gusto adquirido por el cimarrón. Casi sin pensarlo nuestros instintos primitivos nos colocan de nuevo como engranajes en su lugar.

Me aterraba volver exactamente por eso.

Alguna vez leí una historia de terror en dos líneas: “You might get out of the maze, but the maze doesn't get out of you.” And it haunted me.

Aquella línea de horror era solo una historia incompleta. Ahora pienso que es exactamente por eso que cuando sentimos que tenemos que volver a algún lugar, hay que hacerlo. A veces, volver ayuda a traer más artefactos a ser estudiados. No conformes con poder visitar el recuerdo, uno entiende que hay lugares a los que se puede volver, e intervenir, y hacer de ello algo más.

[inkstainsonanapkin]

subversive

[inkstainsonanapkin]

My life has been changed with this silky and aromatic spicy aïoli made with free wrench eggs

Never underestimate a rich garlic sauce, mixed with Nora peppers and red jalapeño chilies

Buaah

[inkstainsonanapkin]

I like those bicycles with the side bag

The baggy loose pants

The colorful socks

The beanie

The big coat

The waterproof gears

[inkstainsonanapkin]

I’m having my first date over here

Just like that :)

[inkstainsonanapkin]

Just like that

Her silence

Is not even about silence

But about how little she cares

[microgeneration]

Special Rooms (1980)

[vintagehomecollection]

Yves Taralon integrated the solemnity of his ‘very Napoleon III’ building with the expansiveness of pure space in this Japanese-inspired smoking room. The brass moldings are more emphatic versions of the strips that frame floral panels of rare Andean blue granite.

Rooms by Design, 1989

[danger]

Bodie, California 2016  by Brendon Burton

[cancerianmusings]

Nina Simone on stage at the Fillmore East, New York City, 1969. Photographed by Amalie R. Rothschild.

source

[inkstainsonanapkin]

Profe de luchas

Me agarró un día y me dice, que el entrenamiento empieza desde casa. Desde que descansas, y comes bien pensando lo que va a necesitar tu cuerpo, y llegas con actitud, y le pones el empeño y tomas los descansos. Respiras, buscas dar lo mas de ti y regular las zonas de esfuerzo, las zonas de fatiga. Pero das lo más de ti. Tiempo todo. Dentro y fuera

[inkstainsonanapkin]

I took the elixir

It was poisoned

Freed myself from the most precious thing I’ve ever loved

Lost myself to that war

And still can’t hell but be so full of myself when I write about it

[inkstainsonanapkin]

Soy una berraca para colombia

Una dura para venezuela

Cumplidos cumplidos con los que sí me alineo

[inkstainsonanapkin]

Tensão

Sempre boa

As duas sonhamos uma com a outra. E confessamos isso nas nossas conversas. As duas sabemos o que acontece nesses sonhos.

As veces é bom manter assim. Tensão

Um clima

Mas deixar como isso só

[inkstainsonanapkin]

Kindness

It will always be kindness what saves us.

In the end, kindness is available love, its the love that’s unconditional at a healthy level.

Today. Claudia’s kindness saved me a little

I’m not dying. But it saved me