welcome to my crib

photos | florals | & dated journal entries, restless iphone notes, and borrowed words

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011526. portland, tanaka bakery, with michael.

I know that rest, quietness, and returning to the Lord is what saves. It has saved me plenty a time (i.e. scrambling to find a place to sleep in Croatia, leaving my job without a plan for another, accepting a manager position at a lost-cause pharmacy). Looking back on 2025, I can recall many moments where I put my trust in “swift steeds,” (i.e. arguments with my mother in Japan and the Philippines, misaligned perspectives with Michael, disappointing and disheartening visits back home, fading friendships, the bittersweet remembrance of my brooklyn-loft-life-dream-come-true dream-turned-nightmare)

Like every mindful person, my desire to live this year with more intention is renewed. Particularly, stewarding my time to cultivate deeper relationships with my family (kuya and his family, my domestic and international family, and michael's family). Steward my resources (money) with wisdom and forethought. And better distinguish and tame my desires for earthly feelings or moments or whatever, and those of God's kingdom. I also desire to spend more time knowing Jesus, that I may fully believe I am his disciple. That my being grows evermore Christ-like so that I, too, may finally tap into the command "go and make disciples". To practice and be formed by the the spiritual disciplines of Sabbath, Prayer, Generosity, and Fellowship....and last but not least...to defeat the looming pressure of creating/defending/maintaining a social media presence and proving something to someone with photography. (if you dont understand what I'm really saying, that's because I don't either. it's just been this dreadful desire that always leaves me less-than: envious, nonexistent, and starved for validation). I think it's high-time I put pmy camera down and leave instagram. like what am i really doing

on the other hand, i'd like to learn two new things: sewing (mending and making) and playing an instrument. I also want to write more. And start each day and each meal with prayer, regardless of who I'm with.

I've been asking God what He wills for me this year. What the theme will be. 2024 was renewal of my faith (finally knowing God's love in the core of my soul, believing I am made in the image of God and that I have been given a calling, and then surrendering to God and fully resting in His will and plans for me). 2025 was living in faith (angry at God that His garden-like work for me was actually to bring order to the chaos of a mad jungle pharmacy , and thanking him for bringing me into the heart of Creation here in the PNW). So what's 2026? I'm rambling.

Still, my point really is that I am reminded that goals, plans, and resolutions are good things, but not ultimate things. I shall not put my hope and happiness in the outcome of my efforts. Again I say, "Lord, help me in my unbelief. Help me want what you want for me. In the end, I want to say 'to Jesus be the glory', not 'to me be the glory'." The never-ending goal is knowing and depending on God deeper and deeper. It is becoming more like Christ, not more like the life I dream of and the person I want to be.

Inspired initially to write all this by Redeemer's Center for Faith and Work January email, the director ends it encouraging us to ask,

"what you’re putting your trust in this year. What horses or swift steeds are you tempted to trust to provide you with security, approval, comfort, or control? In the tension of our cultural moment, we will be more tempted than ever to grasp at what we can see and control, which is why I always return to this verse: 

“In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.”

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11/30 - when nothing was when it was supposed to be

i was supposed to have my car 11/29 and move in 11/30. instead i got my car 11/30 for a 12/1 move in. experiencing the change of an entire day in real time, having to pivot to another day, without the safety and reliability of having a home or friends/family you can lean on for help...literally when everyone i know is living 3 hours ahead of me...is wild.

i thought that the final puzzle piece was getting to oregon. but it's been 5 days here and im realizing its just a different corner of the same, larger puzzle.

every day i've encountered a road black towards my final destination of "home". and i realized today ive not had a real home in over a month- with packing and moving and not having a bed or soft surface that was my own. it's wild to think that ive literally been homeless since i got here. and even when i do move in, there is no true sense of home since im starting from scratch. literally. i have to buy a shower curtain and towels and maybe a cup or glass for wine. and a pot for my ramen. and i suppose a bowl if i really want to live luxuriously. and i suppose a spoon and fork if i don't wanna burn my hands/mouth. soft surfaces, i realized, is a luxury. not a necessity. we prioritize comfort like our life depended on it. it does not. even good food, or warm food does not.

i've slept on the floor and woke up ungrateful, realizing only later it was a miracle that i woke up at all. i've gone an entire day without eating because of the burden of spending money, only to receive the gift of a meal from someone else who was thinking of me.

like everyone else, i too was excited for this move. but unlike everyone else, i suspected i'd run into the boundaries of my own consciousness and be slapped in the face by reality. like yes i moved for a job, but ive not started it.this whole time, since july, ive been bleeding money i do not have.

but at the same time, have been taken care of. miraculously, by people i love and people i don't know. they're not all christian, but i see now how all humans are literally made in the image of God. ive witnessed it in mere kindness.

a cross country move is not for everyone or just anyone. and i'm sitting here in tears, grateful for one more night on a bed (bc i'll be sleeping in a sleeping bag the next 2 weeks until my pod with my bed arrives) wondering why i've been chosen to do it. and hoping i live up to it.

anyway. the people of oregon have been really nice. and i've been told to ease up and slow down on several occasions lol.

it's hard to be sentimental when you're surviving

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10/21

we must learn how to recognize the positive flow and to distinguish it from the negative resistance within ourselves. It can take years, if not a lifetime. If a voice comes from accusation and leads to accusation, it is quite simply the voice of the “Accuser,” which is the literal meaning of the biblical word “Satan.” Shaming, accusing, or blaming is simply not how God talks, but sadly, it is too often how we talk—to ourselves and to one another. God is supremely nonviolent; I’ve learned that from the saints and mystics that I have read and met and heard about. That many holy people cannot be wrong.  [1]

There is a deeper voice of God which we must learn to hear and obey. It will sound like the voice of risk, of trust, of surrender, of soul, of common sense, of destiny, of love, of an intimate stranger, of our deepest self. It will always feel gratuitous, and it is this very freedom that scares us. God never leads by guilt or shame! God leads by loving the soul at ever-deeper levels, not by shaming at superficial levels.

i initially scheduled my oregon law board exam today. but felt that i needed an extra day... perhaps for yesterday's sabbath- in which my mind literally refused to study despite my shaming and guilting and scaring it into fight or flight. but the spirit held fast to the commandment to cease from work, and to delight in our Lord. by the time i resigned to my striving, i was crawling to church. i showed up 30 minutes early for prayer time...but ended up sitting in the auditorium, feeling misplaced and embarrassed for feeling alone and lost in a place of worship. 

the sermon had nothing to do with my circumstances. it was the furthest thing from comforting or convicting. it was on division and politics. and i resigned to it, too. remembering that God's word does not revolve around me, but i around it. i felt it an invitation to put down my paralyzing fear of failure and inadequacy, and learn about the conditions of reality that umbrellas the exclusive, curated "real life" i occupy.

on how christians are to mend the divide, the guest speaker vehemently responded "christians should be known to be the best partiers" and continued "you all need to relax and hang out. literally chill out with each other" ...and i felt the 6 weeks i've been mucking about with friends since my return come to a sort of ...importance. i prayed that i be more vocal and open and unashamed of my love for Jesus- that my deep, imperfect, messy, but determined and steadfast faith be what defines me. what people think of me first. my upbringing, the sound of my mother's voice, determined to make true that time spent socializing is futile and valueless. and here i am at church hearing that as christians commanded to love God AND neighbor, there is in fact a time for both.

and that perhaps the divisions between us is an echo of how we relate to ourselves- divided.

now i want to talk about union in Christ both in self and world. but i have to go to the library now. this was nice

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strength does not make one capable of rule; it makes one capable of service

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the biblical notion of love

not a pleasant disposition, but a covenantal commitment, seeking the goodwill of another while sacrificing one’s own desires

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waiting for the L train, just put this song on. next thing i know, with both hands in my vest pockets, a man taps me on my shoulder and hands me my phone. swiftly and with a smile, as if though it was typical procedure of finding iphones on the floor of a subway.

i had no sense or idea or feeling i dropped my phone.

a moment of affirmation, that truly, God is not against me 🤍

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september 24

im always annoyed with how my posts lag so far behind my life timeline. i rarely, if ever, post in real time. i call myself out- that im scared of being judged or perceived inaccurately or am too much a perfectionist or am just simply trying too hard to prove my existence or talent

holding these self-accusations outside of who God says i am and who im becoming in Him, i dont entirely resonate with the fear or insecurity beneath my self-talk.

i've been praying for a more truthful to my self accusations. God is this true? Please reveal the real reasons behind my hesitations. If it is insecurity or fear, help me find confidence in who you made me to be. or is it because you don't want me to post? that i have no business in taking photos or being on social media in general

and just now, walking to Lalins for an oat milk mocha and a moment to sit and ponder by their window, a creative grace came upon me.

i reckon...what if my relationship with posting is not to update or construct a thread of events and moments. it is not to display my life or show who i am or make a series of statement about who i am...

what if photography, for me, is a means for reflection. that these moments in frame include words and feelings and thoughts, too. that all the time i spend sifting, and choosing selects, editing is really time spent studying and extracting meaning from it.

why did i take this photo? what did i see at the time? what was i feeling or thinking? where was my head and heart?

recently, from my europe photos, im recognizing patterns in what i saw/experienced, in what i want to remember. a lot of it really is capturing what i would say if anyone were with me "omg look at that, do you notice how..." and the photos i take, i think, beckon one's attention to a sensation deeper than composition and color and lighting- those are all components that help draw one towards and then beyond the centrality of the photo. and in my growth process, i need time for reflection to extract words that help me understand that deeper sensation myself.

and that response- that response feels more right for me. perhaps my hesitation is, all this time, appropriate. because i really do need to come to a better understanding, first, of my relationship with social media in light of my relationship with God. and the role God has for me in that space. my reasons behind posting need to be better aligned with God's will for kingdom building.

perhaps this leads me to a kind of sureness in my photos that i won't require words to accompany them. or that i get better with words that they really are meant to accompany a photograph.

thank you Jesus for sitting with me in my wanderings.

[inner-interiors]

my 7th day in london

i'm doing it again. a battery bank and an extra lens to support the activity of my trigger fingers.

im doing it again. stuck on google maps, comparing and contrasting the atmosphere and reviews of a place. instead of sitting with myself long enough to quiet the external desires and hear my own wanting.

i'm doing it again. skipping church for an adventurous photo-pop to appease my guilt of being here and having nothing to show for it. of being here and not making the most of it, the sight seeing and all.

jm doing it again. late night snacking with sweets more than anything. i think im trying to comfort my anxiety.

i'm doing it again. looking for God, looking for jesus. clamoring for words and music and podcasts to tell me how to be or how to think on a given day.

i'm doing it again. spending money i don't have on insignificant, unmemorable things. a lot on transportation, similar to colombia.

i'm doing it again. wanting to get drunk.

i'm doing it again. i really do feel that im not facing my pain. this dull constriction, maybe a thirst, at the back of my throat that wants to cry and wail and scream. what is keeping me from going beyond the edge? the came immediately dor my colombia trip, already sobbing after just boarding the plane.

i'm doing it again. trying to comfort myself with jesus when i think im actually really mad at God. i'm here amost a week. and he hasn't said anything to me, not a thing. i try to make space for him, invite him in my waiting and wonderings, in my meals and walks, but nothing

the urgency to bridge the gap between me and beloved words from english writers has dwindled. i'm not sure anymore if it was God who brought me here or if i've forcibly framed it to be god's purpose for me. because my meeting with J wasn't all that memorable or moving or life/heart altering. she had nothing to offer me, she herself was discontent with the very decisions i hope to be inspired to make.

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it is anika i mourn for

if you're reading this and want to discuss this poem, i've been waiting for you

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my heart posture towards others can be approached two ways: loving wise and kind and beautiful people because i need them, and loving stupid and disagreeable people because they need it.

per CS Lewis, this second kind is the more divine for it is how God loves us: not because i myself am lovable but because He is love, not because He needs something from me but He delights to give. And I'm learning when God does give, it's less TO me than it is through me.

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growing psychologically, one moves toward increasing autonomy and independence

growing spiritually, one increasingly realizes how utterly, and painfully dependent one is on God and on His grace that comes through others, making one also utterly interdependent on people

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faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods. for moods will change, whatever view your reason takes. i know that by experience. now that i am a Christian i do have moods in which the whole thing looks very improbable: but when i was an atheist i had moods in which Christianity looked terribly probable. this rebellion of your moods against your real self is going to come anyway. that is why Faith is such a necessary virtue: unless you teach your moods ‘where they get off’, you can never be either a sound Christian or even a sound atheist or agnostic, but just a creature dithering to and fro, with its beliefs dependent on the weather and the state of its digestion. consequently one must train the habit of Faith. the first step is to recognise the fact that your moods change. the next is to make sure that, if you have once accepted Christianity, then some of its main doctrines shall be deliberately held before your mind for some time every day. that is why daily prayers and religious readings and churchgoing are necessary parts of the Christian life. we have to be continually reminded of what we believe. neither this belief nor any other will automatically remain alive in the mind. it must be fed. and as a matter of fact, if you examined a hundred people who had lost their faith in Christianity, i wonder how many of them would turn out to have been reasoned out of it by honest argument? do not most people simply drift away?

Mere Christianity, CS Lewis (as always!!! ugh this man!!!)

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my deepest, truest desires live dormant as secrets. it reveals itself to others, and even to myself, in the presence of sorrow, failure, and need. only when i abandon myself to the discomfort and solace of complete vulnerability, to feel and experience total safety IN a loving presence. and in my scant experience, always there was a broadening of being on both sides. we each became larger people afterwards

i do not doubt that those who never go there remain small

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an affirmation of erotic desire as a longing for connection and wholeness

Sexuality and the erotic are fundamental urges we have as human beings to move us beyond our solipsistic, preoccupied selves into a world of community and connection. Sexuality is about more than sex in the physical sense—although making love is one of the great sensual gifts we have been created for, and the extraordinary pleasure it brings to our bodies surely points to a God who finds this kind of erotic delight a beautiful thing. The act of lovemaking can be a place of profound ecstasy, of moving beyond your own perceived boundaries into vulnerable and intimate connection with another in the context of deep trust and commitment.

What if our call is to make love to life itself, whether or not we express it in a physically intimate way with another person? What if this sexual desire were about tapping into a source of energy that awakens us to our deepest longing for connection?

Sexuality is what draws us beyond our own boundaries into the service, intimacy, and vulnerability of human relationships. Our deepest desires thrust us into these places of tenderness that come with meaningful human connection. Our deep desires of the heart are about bringing our gifts into the world to make a difference. We are called to move beyond the sphere of self-concern into a dance of mutuality with others where we are invited to believe that our existence makes a difference in the human-animal-nature community.…

When our desire and compulsions are healed and integrated, they become the source for tremendous energy for good in the world and our ability to be a healing presence to others.

Christine Valters Paintner

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we ought to think about progress not forwardly, or even upwardly. like in math, the sooner i admit im not getting to the right answer and so go back to amend my approach, the sooner i can move on. progress is not direction, it's the act of getting nearer to the desired point.

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this is what practicing the sabbath does to you. a re-energizing that doesn't reserve itself, preparing for the world to take from it. but it looks forward to pouring itself out, for you know your source is infinite