[innerhalcyon]

11/28/2024

Hi ! I haven't written in a hot minute, but I was looking back at this blog and just seeings all my older posts, and how far I've come

I am an NP now ! Still a noob, but yeah I graduated NP school and passed my exam a few months after. I whisked away to Spain and Portugal for a much needed solo trip, and it was amazing. Got into studying and passed my AANP on my first try. I've been practicing for about a year, but it hasn't been full-time. I was working at a clinic 3 days a week for about a year, and now I transitioned to another clinic where I"m working 4 days/wk

I don't think I could handle five days of primary care, honestly it's a lot. Even adding on this extra day has been a transition, and yeah I'm about 4 wks into this job. Honestly I've been finding it challenging, and just mentally draining. It's hard to start over, but this permanent position came up (w/ benefits and a good pension), and it was hard not to pass it up. So yeah, there has def been challenges + a lot more anxiety tbh because the pt population is more complex. I guess even though the transition has been difficult, I know it's a great opportunity for learning. I need to give it a fair chance because it could just take time before I feel more adjusted in the role

I met someone in the summer, someone very special to me. Yea after being single for I think around 4 years, I guess I am finally off the market. More importantly, I met someone who feels like home. I can't fully describe it, but after our first date I kept thinking to myself this feels different. It's a gut feeling. And yes, the relationship is still relatively new, but the love definitely keeps growing. No one can predict the future, but I really hope this man is the one I eventually end up building a life with.

[innerhalcyon]

5/30/23

- I haven’t written an update in a long time. The truth is I”m struggling so much. I’m tired all the time from school, I think I’m getting sick honestly from the lack of sleep and constant stress. I’m in the last leg of this program. Only 8 more weeks left, but I’m not sure why it seems so far away. Juggling more than full-time clinical hours, assignments, and trying to study for exams is so exhausting. I’m usually the type of person who puts so much time and effort into studying, but I honestly just don’t have the time to put in for this upcoming midterm. I just pray I pass. I guess I’ll know in a couple weeks where I’m at with the course. I am starting to have doubts about whether this NP path is really the right for me. A part of me just wishes I wasn’t in this program, and working as an RN making good money where I also get to have work life balance. I’m struggling so much, honestly I just want to get by. But why does that even seem so hard? I need a break desperately, but I just can’t get one

- I’ve been seeing this guy consistently for two months now. I guess we haven’t fully committed to each other yet because there is no label. But honestly we act like gf and bf. We call each other baby, we are only seeing each other. I guess things are relatively good between us right now, but honestly we’ve had so many problems over the time we’ve been seeing each other. Things have ended between us more than a few times, but I don’t know I guess we found a way back to each other. I don’t really know where things are gonna go with us tbh. But I am definitely emotionally attached at this point. I”m honestly not sure if I 100% see long-term potential future with him. Sometimes I feel like he can be a serious partner, and other times I don’t. I guess I don’t have a crystal ball though. I really like the emotional support and comfort he’s giving me during this time. And maybe that’s enough right now 

[innerhalcyon]

22/11/22

 Wow, I can’t believe that a close friendship I had crumbled away so easily. I really tried my best to salvage it, but I have to remind myself that I don’t have control over other people’s decisions. I just wish she would tell me directly that she doesn’t want to be friends anymore, rather than leaving it open-ended. Honestly though, I am the one responsible for giving myself closure. I can’t lie though, it’s been a difficult process. One filled with sadness, tears, confusion, and hurt. But honestly I am becoming a stronger person because of it. I’m realizing that people just come and go in your life, and each one is teaching you something. I’ve survived a lot up until this point, and I will find a way to get through this. Time always helps, it gives you perspective. The last thing I wanna do is say something out of impulse or emotion. I have to respect myself enough to just let it be

I’m going to be done the semester in 3 weeks. I have a final research proposal that I need to present next week, and then a final exam on December 12th. The exam is what I am worried about the most, considering it’s worth 40% and there is a TON of short-answer questions. Just going to try to prepare myself the best I can, and try not to stress so much about it

Dating life? I don’t know. I think I’ve gotten so used to being single at this point that it would be weird to even think about being in an exclusive relationship with someone. I still believe my person is out there, but it’s just hard to give dating a lot of effort/time right now. I guess everyone wants to feel loved. I can’t lie, I miss the physical affection. I crave it a lot sometimes, but I also find it hard to trust people. It takes a lot for me to let my guard down. 

I do crave sex sometimes. But then I think about having it with someone where things are undefined, and it just becomes so unappealing. I really want to have sex with some I feel intimately safe with.

[innerhalcyon]

12/10/2022

Okay so I just came back to New York, and really had such an amazing time. I swear every time I go travelling, I tell myself I need to keep doing this because it makes me feel alive. It also makes me feel just less lonely tbh. Maybe it’s because I’m able to escape my reality for a bit. God damn, New York is expensive though ! I prob won’t be too happy with the way my bank account looks after I account for my expenses. Honesty I can make it back easily. It’s just challenging because I need to also juggle school commitments, and I can’t work as much sometimes. I have a midterm coming up on Monday, and I just can’t work. I just need to commit to studying, especially knowing I need to get a 70% on every evaluated component of the course. So stressful ugh. I’m so tired of being graded tbh, I want it to end. But it’s okay, I will tick off each exam and assignment at a time. I can do this. I can do this

[innerhalcyon]

I feel so empty inside. I am honestly having to push myself through the motions. I think the fear of failure in school is what is propelling me forward. But honestly, I have no drive for school. I’m thinking to just casually date because I honestly don’t know if I have the time or energy to invest in trying to find a serious long-term partner. I”m so exhausted from these “almost relationships”. I miss having someone who genuinely cares for me and loves me. I miss knowing someone always has my back. I miss having someone that I can consistently rely on. 

[remanence-of-love]

[perfectquote]

Never forget how far you’ve come. Everything you have gotten through. All the times you have pushed on even when you felt you couldn’t. All the mornings you got out of bed no matter how hard it was. All the times you wanted to give up but you got through another day. Never forget how much strength you have learned and developed along the way.

Unknown (via perfectquote)

[perfectquote]

The ‘what ifs’ and ‘should haves’ will eat your brain.

John O Callaghan (via perfectquote)

[perfectquote]

If you want to succeed in your life, remember this phrase. The past does not equal the future. Because you failed yesterday; or all day today, or a moment ago, or for the last six months; the last 16 years, or the last fifty years of life doesn’t mean anything…all that matters is what are you going to do, right now.

Anthony Robbins (via perfectquote)

[perfectquote]

Enjoy it. Because it’s happening.

Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower (via perfectquote)

[quotemadness]

Cutting people out of my life doesn’t mean I hate them, it simply means I respect me.

Unknown (via quotemadness)

[innerhalcyon]

Fack, where my husband out though? Cuz the truth is I am so tired of dating

[innerhalcyon]

I feel so down. I am trying to just give this exam the last bit of reserve I have left, but the truth is I just want to do well enough to get by. I am so past the point of exhaustion right now. In three more days, the stress of this exam will finally be over. But then, I need to focus my attention on finishing the last couple of papers I have. I think I am just so tired of getting evaluated, and the anxiety that comes along with that.

I will pass this AHAD course.

I will make it through this semester.

I have been at this place before, where I didn’t think I could keep going. But I have always proved myself wrong and pushed past my limits

[innerhalcyon]

I feel like the guy I was seeing gaslighted me so bad, and the worst bad is I let him do it to me because he made me feel like I really did do something wrong. The reality is I didn’t do anything wrong, and it just took me a bit of time for my gut instincts to kick in. Even though we had no discussions about establishing exclusivity, he made me feel like such shit for going on a date with another guy. And after he gave me hell for it, I actually agreed to be exclusive with him without any kind of official label or commitment. He actually made it very clear that we weren’t in a relationship, and he wanted no title. Boy if you are that scared of commitment, you can’t be asking me for exclusivity. Why can’t I date others, outside of our situationship? Anyways I told him up front how I felt and said if he didn’t like me it, we could stop talking. And he ended things with me. Boy bye. It’s not a loss, but I got used to talking to him everyday tbh. It’s okay, this feeling will eventually dissipate. 

[officialaudreykitching-deactiva]

‪Honest, raw, real communication changes everything. Get it out. Unburden yourself. Say what you feel.‬

[goldcoasthoney]

[thewildetyme]

“i read the book you recommended” is a love language.